Chapter Text
Ohhhh, Mr. Stark was going to kill him.
Patrol started off really normal…even though, well, people being endangered by various nefarious situations around the city should not be considered normal, per say (because imagine telling that to their therapists)- but he’s managed to save each and every victim, and no crime was particularly crazy.
Like, you know, CRAZY crazy.
Like, as in frickin’ aliens coming down to abduct all of Queens’ cows crazy.
Soooo, Peter thinks he deserves a pass on diluting his day saving a bunch of people to just normal. Although, dilut-ing is the key word here, you see, because after nightfall it wasn’t. Normal.
No no no, out of all the things to ever happen to him this was definitely the most un-normalest, most egregiously crazy, most ridiculously INSANE thing ever, like, to have ever evered…ever??? And yes Peter’s counting the spider-bite: it’s because at least there was only one person down the long chain of that particular spider’s existence to experience its crazy- him. Peter’s not sure if this guy’s screws are on right, so he counts that down as two people to be affected by this instance of crazy, ergo, surpassing the spider-bite incident. So there.
The thing about this guy was that he kept on talking as if there’s some fourth wall to break- and also that he’s wearing some over-the-top, really goofy wizard’s outfit. Let Peter just say that he really does not have the beard, actually.
He had approached calmly, dropping into the alleyway, and held his hands up, confident that Karen would adjust his mask’s lenses accordingly to be as friendly of a Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man as the name suggests.
“Hello, sir!” Peter’d chirped, because, well, sue him for interacting when nothing was clearly wrong, but that guy’d looked inebriated in some manner.
Immediately when he’d noticed his arrival, the not graying, not wizened not old man groaned loudly, loud like the groan of a building collapsing right on top of someone.
Well. Not really.
Well.
Maybe.
(...Don’t. Ask how Peter knows that.)
“Are you serious right now!?”
Wow. What’s got his knickers in a twist?
“Why can’t you main character dummies ever leave me BE! I don’t want to be a pawn anymore- I thought I had finally gotten away!” The man’s face had curled into a hateful sneer, but since Peter also had eyes, he could see hurt as well.
The hero was confused, because he just wasn’t really sure what this guy’s deal was or why he was… sad. Peter blinked and tilted his head, brows furrowing, inadvertently encouraging elaboration.
That elaboration had first come with a hefty side of blaming. “Aurgh! You!!! This is all your fault, you know! YOU’RE the one who came into this damn alleyway. You… you….” His wizard hat fell with an ill-timed plop . Maybe that was the last straw. The guy must have been having this weigh down on him for a long, long time because he’d then just started choking up!
“No…no it wasn’t your fault.” The sniffling man scoffed. Peter still hadn’t even said- hadn’t even done anything yet, mind you.
Malice crept into the wizard’s(?) tone, “It’s the damn stupid plot’s.” He then finally seemed inclined to address Peter. “Spider-Man, get out. Or else…” he’d looked side to side and then had whispered conspiratorially, “something ridiculous will happen to you.”
Peter, who had been trying to piece together what could be affecting that man behind the meanings of his obvious delusions, blinked. He then had looked to his right, leveling a deadpan stare at the wall, imagining it to be a camera, like in The Office.
(He was three inches off to the left.)
“Uh-huh…sooo, is that likeeee…a threat? Or, uh! Actually- I mean- you seem like a nice guy so like I’m not saying that to be, like, rude or anything haha, but…do you mind saying what you mean by that?”
But the second the frazzled man had opened his mouth, Peter had then just thought of a much better idea, and very quickly rushed out, “ACTUALLY!!! Why don’t I just walk you home? Can you tell me where you live? Promise I won't use it to kidnap you or something haha. Wait, how would that work? You’re the one leading me.” That last part was muttered to himself.
He started walking towards the man, who then shrank back, shrieking, “No! NO! DON’T COME NEAR ME!!!” Seemingly halfway through a fit, he’d rummaged hurriedly through his pockets before taking out a gun. A water-gun-looking-gun, but it was filled with a sinister green liquid that reminded Peter of jello.
Yeah, he was gonna need to take that…
“Woah, woah, woah! I’m not gonna hurt you!” To prove a point, Peter raised his hands with caution. “Can I come near you?”
The wizard (and now apparently) gun-man didn’t respond, but when he had started slowly shuffling towards him, his spider-sense didn’t start acting up, and when he was close enough, the man still hadn’t really looked like he was gonna hurt him. Just confused…or conflicted.
“Now, if you don’t mind,” Peter glanced at the gun, close enough that he had to point it upwards just to not be forced back, “Can I take that? Or…just, can you put it away…?”
“Oh…uh, alright….” The man had really seemed like he was going to, but then two things happened at the same time:
One, a pigeon, cocky and proud after living on New York streets for so long, had dived into the alleyway, talons clutching onto Peter’s mask, managing to’ve pulled it all the way up to his mouth before Peter regained his bearings and made his face sticky- which he wouldn’t have to regain if his stupid spider sense hadn’t activated at the very last second!!
And two, the gun shot out its mysterious liquid right into Peter’s exposed mouth! Again, these two things happened at the same time, and his spider-sense was almost late to both! What the heck, spider-sense! With him at point blank to the gun, he couldn’t dodge, and with a pigeon stuck to his head, he couldn’t move out of the way- especially when he had to shriek: (honestly, Peter couldn’t believe his AI,) “NO KAREN, DON’T LASER-EYE THE PIGEON!!!” He’d even swallowed some of the gunk because of that. Yuck!
In the meanwhile that Spider-Man was struggling, Wizard Man (yes, that was his real name- he was made by the plot, after all) took a step backwards, maneuvering so that his backwards was the exit of the alleyway.
He genuinely hadn’t meant to do that! It was an accident! Most likely not even his fault!
Whyuuuughghhhhhh? Why then!?
Because you see, Wizard Man had gotten a hand cramp.
Specifically on the finger holding the trigger. Because that’s definitely how cramps work! Ill-timed, and fated to look ill-intentious. A complete and utter accident.
Not that Peter knew that.
In his panic, (a few steps from him, Karen had just shocked the pigeon enough to make it let go,) Wizard Man tore through the alleyway and into the street. Until he accidentally fell into a very plot-convenient manhole. Not to imply that it was plot-convenient. But you could describe it that way.
Not that Peter knew any of that, though.
At the bottom of the hole, now in the sewers, Wizard Man laid on the floor, unconscious, but otherwise fine and alive.
But not that Peter knew that.
In a pile of jumbled up spider-suit that had perplexingly dropped all the way to the floor, nothing moved.
Towards the dumpster lined up with the curb’s opening corner trotted a tiny little kitten, mewling.