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Being an Emergency room doctor, she’d seen everything. The worst firework accidents, heart attacks, fingers chopped off or slice opened, treated those who just came in with severe nausea. It was normal, all apart of the day.
No matter who came in either, you treated them. Your own personal views didn't matter, your duty is to treat anyone. If it was a criminal on the run from the police who shot him down, you make sure he doesn't die from that wound. If they have six arms or no arms it doesn't matter if they need help.
She felt immune to everything, there was always some sympathy for the patients, after all they were hurting. Not once did one affect her so badly until that day.
Death was a normal thing at the hospital, you did the best you could but there was nothing to be done. It was always a hard thing to deal with. She’d been able to think logically after all situations where she loses a patient.
This time was different. She couldn't focus properly. It was a domestic abuse case, unfortunately she’d seen those types of cases often. This time was more severe than others, her face had a bruise, she was losing blood fast from a stab wound in the side.
What really struck her was how strikingly similar the patient was to her own sister. At first glance she thought it was her sister Anjali. She got a chill thinking about it. Anjali was five years younger than her, she was her best friend. Six years ago Anjali met her husband, things started out fine, however months later it was normal for her to spend nights crying, and bruises would appear on her arms.
Priyanka spent time trying to get her sister to leave him, but she wouldn't budge, she would try and cover things up pretend everything is fine. All her help was just brushed away. They’d been together for around six years, Priyanka still didn't trust him very much, despite Anjali’s explanation that things were okay and good again.
Suddenly her mind snapped back into the present and what was happening.
Everyone was moving around her, she felt frozen. Then suddenly the patient coughed, and her eyes slowly fluttered open. She'd moved her hand up and grabbed Priyanka's wrist. "I-I'm sorry,” she mumbled.
There was a ringing in her ears bad everyone shuffled around her. Eyes were on her, waiting for her next direction. She couldn't think properly. Her head felt like it was spinning. It was up to her to do something, but she couldn't do anything. Couldn't move. She froze.
Eventually she found the words, and shouted orders. Even those few moments she lost, could’ve been life or death moments. She felt her mind slipping and forgetting things as she looked down at the dying girl. She looked at the girl, but could only see her sister’s face.
Everything was going in a blur. Guilt fell upon her shoulders. She should've been more assertive, more forceful, gave better advice so her sister didn't have to end up spending the rest of her life with someone who acted like they didn't care about her.
Her eyes were watering, she couldn't see properly. She didn't know what to do anymore. Looking back on that night, she’d wanted to be able to say she did everything she could to try and save her, but in her haze she was sure she messed up along the time, which prevented her from being able to save her.
She was thankful that it happened at the end of her shift, she wasn't sure she could've gone through the day any longer. She fumbled trying to get the key into the ignition, her hands shook so much. If she had just acted faster, there still was a chance that she could've survived. She’d survived for two hours after the wound, and it was Priyanka’s fault she didn't last longer.
Getting home she did the first thing that seemed natural to her, to clean the dishes. She dunked her hands in the warm soapy water and pulled a knife out. She scrubbed the blade, holding back any tears she felt were going to fall. She stared at it trying to figure out what would drive someone to be able to drive it through a loved one.
The story was that there was yelling, physical fighting, until finally he stabbed her in the side. She wanted to know the details of the dispute, but at the same time she didn't want to think about it at all. She put the knife aside and shook her head.
When she closed her eyes the only thing she could see was her sister in the position the girl she failed to help tonight was in. She slumped against the cabinets, sitting on the ground and began to cry. Minutes later the door opened, her husband was home. It was with a blink of an eye that he got on the floor next to her making sure she was okay.
After assuring him she wasn’t hurt, she flung her arms around him in a hug, becoming silent again. She cried on his shoulder for a few more minutes before settling down enough to tell him about her day. “It’s my fault… I didn't act fast enough, I froze, I was stupid. Now I've left parents without a child or siblings without a sister now and it's my fault.”
Doug kissed the side of her head, “It’s not your fault, you did the best you could… You did a lot. Pri, you can't be hard on yourself for this, it's not your fault you were doing your job, you’re not the one who stabbed her.”
Priyanka sighed and pulled back to look at him, “It feels like I did… It feels like I saw it coming and decided not to do anything about it. She looked just like Anjali, Durja…” she confessed to him, wiping at her eyes. “I-I just… It felt like it was her. You know how her husband gets when he drinks. I've tried to do things about it, but nothing works. If she meets the same fate, I’d never be able to get over myself for not doing more for her.”
“Listen to me. He’s been sober for three years now, Anjali is 26, she can take care of herself. You need to have faith in her that she’ll make the right choices. How you feel about him doesn't matter, he’s a shitty guy but you can't blame yourself for that. You can't control everything that happens in everyone’s life. People have to learn to make decisions for themselves.”
He kissed her forehead before speaking again, “None of this is ever your fault, you do the best you can. You’re brave and strong for being able to go into the hospital everyday and face what you face. You can't let this one thing slip you up. I-I’m sorry that you feel this way, I’m sorry that she resembled Anjali, if I could make sure you wouldn't suffer any pain from this I’d do it in a heartbeat. I just can’t have you dragging on about this. Would it be better to talk to her? We can call her if you’d like?”
Priyanka shook her head, “Not right now at least… I just-” she sighed and wrapped her arms around his torso. “I just want to stay like this for awhile.”
Doug nodded and pulled her close to him, “Alright…” He trailed his fingers lightly up and down her back. “Everything’s going to be fine…” He whispered to her.
“Thank you,” she said sniffling again, burying her face into his neck. “I love you.”
“I love you too…” he said and kissed her cheek.