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I can't stop thinking about how lucky I am to be with you, Mari.
Not just to be with you at all, but to be with you right now, too, in this moment. You're lying next to me. I'm not sure if you're about to roll over and try to sleep, or whether your brain is off whirring about something else now. I can't help having all these thoughts flow through my head, like a river that's strong and wide, sweeping little sticks off the banks as it goes. I have a lot of thoughts going on right now, haha.
I remember being 13 and being so in love with you that I felt like I was going to burst. I felt like I couldn't handle it, honestly. I'd never felt anything like that before, for anyone, so I panicked. It took me a few days after I first noticed my feelings to understand them, and when I realised what they were I thought I could never tell anyone. I didn't want to tell my parents - I wasn't sure how they'd react. I don't know if I thought they wouldn't like it or if they would like it too much, and tease me. Honestly it wasn't a very rational reaction, but I guess that's what it's like to be 13. I didn't want to tell Kel, because I was worried he'd tell someone else. Like my parents, or maybe Sunny, or one or more of our other friends. I didn't think he'd tell you, but I was worried it would get back to you eventually. And I didn't need any involvement from anyone else, as much as I love them all.
By the time I'd finally worked up the courage to say anything to you, it was the February before your 14th birthday. I tried so hard to get it right. Maybe too hard. I don't know whether that's the kind of confession you'd dreamed of before that. But it worked, didn't it?
Oh Mari, it really worked. There are lots of parts of that day, and the run-up to it, that are a blur, but some parts of it are so clear, Mari, and one of them is your face when I said it. First you were surprised; then a little flushed; but then you smiled, and even though you were a little embarrassed you looked so, so happy. I'll never forget that, not ever ever not ever.
Now I'm with you all the time. That was one of the things I wanted back then and now it's basically true. Even the times we aren't together, I feel like we are. There's a part of my soul that's always reserved for you wherever I am. And a part of my heart and a part of my mind, too. It's such a magical feeling. I wish I could truly convey it in words. But I think you just have to know it when you know it. It's not my place to put thoughts in my head, but I feel like you know what I mean. It makes me so happy, knowing that you feel anything remotely like this about me. I get to lie in bed next to you and just be, and it's the most comfortable I could ever feel.
I think having you is my biggest achievement.
Hero, when I look over at you I can see the look in your eyes that you get whenever you're thinking really deeply about stuff. You look like your eyes aren't focusing on anything at all, but in a way you look so peaceful. It's... I don't have the right word. I could call it beautiful, or sweet, or handsome, or whatever, but I can't really put it into words, what that look makes me feel. I guess captivating? I guess it shows me just how much I love you.
I'm lying next to you in bed right now. I could (and probably should) roll over and get some sleep, but I'm not ready. I think I'm in a thinking mood too, Hero.
I'm very lucky to have you, you know. If I were saying this out loud you'd probably say that you're very lucky to have me, too, but as far as I know you can't read my thoughts, so you can't deflect the compliment this time!
But I am, you know? I'm so lucky that you're in my life. I feel almost proud of myself that I've got you in this with me, which feels likd-of weird because it's not like it was some act of incredible cunning that got you here with me. You chose to be with me. Maybe I'm proud that that's what you chose, then. Maybe I'm proud to be who you chose. You could have picked anyone and you picked me. What kind of magic is that?
And I wanna be by your side forever, or at least as long as I can. We have so much to look forward to, Hero. Occasionally I find myself daydreaming of you proposing to me. Isn't that silly? I have other things to focus on, I don't need to be so mushy. But I can't help it, the way I suppose you can't help it when you get all mushy yourself. Sometimes I'm just imagining what it might be like, all the different ways it could go and how perfect they'd all be in their own way and I think, God, isn't this going to be amazing? I'm so excited for when it happens. In the meantime, I'll daydream.
I have so much to look forward to with you in my life. The proposal, the wedding, but not just that. Just... married life. Settling down, as they call it. Having kids. Making our own little family.
I wonder if that's anything like what you're thinking about. How much you think about that stuff, about our lives, the future. But however much you think about it, it's fine with me. I have a lot I'm looking forward to, but I'm glad I can be with you now.
I really love loving you, Hero. Every day is better knowing that I get to do it with you.