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He knew there was no chance that Hirano would ever fall for him.
From the moment Hirano had rejected him and the continuous rejections after that, Kagiura eventually lost hope that the love of his life would ever wish to be more than his senpai roommate. It took him a while to accept – but eventually he did.
He stopped talking about his feelings to Hirano, stopped touching him 10 seconds a day like a lover, stopped talking to Niibashi about anything Hirano related. This was his way of trying to move on, trying to remove his long unrequited feelings from his heart.
After a fight they had, it finally hit Kagiura that he can’t make the feelings of his senpai change. Hirano had said something that got his hopes up too quickly, and Kagiura ended up kissing him. As Kagiura had realised what he had done, he moved away, but as he was about to apologise, Hirano had blown up already.
He couldn’t dare look at the face of the one he loved with such sharp words being thrown at him and ended up running out of their dorm room past curfew.
It was Hanzawa that found him outside at a nearby park sobbing, and the matter was kept under wraps for them.
Dorm life hadn’t been the same after that for the two boys. Kagiura would get up on his own for morning practice, though continuing with a smile on his face as though nothing had happened. Neither of them dared to bring up what happened that night, afraid of things between them getting worse.
However, neither of them forgot what had happened that night, and surprisingly, it was Hirano struggling the most.
Hanzawa hadn’t stopped bugging Hirano about the details of that night since it happened, him being the only one who knew it happened due to Hirano having asked him for help looking for Kagiura. Hirano had begun having strange dreams about that night too, dreams that focused exclusively on the moment Hirano’s lips had met his roommate’s.
Hirano’s troubled thoughts and feelings lay visible on his face as he groggily entered class everyday, eventually catching the attention of his friend Sasaki.
Lunch break had arrived, and Hirano was at a vending machine buying a drink when his friend poked his head into his business. “You look like you’ve been waking up from a nightmare all week.” Sasaki commented, walking to the vending machine next to Hirano’s to get a drink.
“Sure.” Hirano replied coldly. It was obvious something was up.
“If it’s got to do with that roommate of yours, you might as well spill since you’ve given me advice about Mya-chan before. I don’t mind returning the favour. I noticed you haven’t been with him at all this week, or uh… more so Mya-chan noticed… but...” Sasaki began to trail, “Man, this is kinda awkward.”
Hirano looked over at the drink Sasaki had bought, noticing it was a more bitter drink than Sasaki could tolerate. He was probably giving that to Miyano. He wanted things to get better between them, he really did, but first he had to sort out his feelings. Something he wasn’t really good at.
“Come here.” Hirano grabbed Sasaki’s arm, dragging him into an empty room nearby. Sasaki seemed a bit surprised that Hirano had actually taken him up on his offer. Hirano never liked talking about his personal business to anyone. This had to have been important.
Closing the door securely, Hirano’s face looked even more troubled than before. “You don’t whisper a word of this to anyone, you understand me? Especially Miyano.” Hirano hissed, Sasaki nodding.
Hirano found a seat and sat down, heaving a heavy sigh as he cupped his face in his hand. “Me and Kagi-kun… we had a fight recently.”
Sasaki found another seat to sit on. “What was it about?”
Hirano groaned, lightly hitting his forehead with his fists in frustration. “Well… it was… uh… he…”
“He kissed me.”
Sasaki’s face went blank. Hirano’s roommate had kissed him? So they fought?
Hirano began to groan louder, and upon removing his hands from his face, Sasaki saw a sight he never thought he’d ever see.
Hirano was blushing. Heavily.
“Why did that cause a fight? By your reaction, you seemed to have liked it.” Sasaki crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow at his friend.
“Liked-?? No I didn’t- I don’t- I don’t know.” Hirano began to stutter, a frustrated look of confusion washing over his expression. “I didn’t… hate it… but I don’t know. I got mad and yelled at him and told him I’d never like him but I just keep dreaming about just the kiss and I don’t know what’s going on with me.”
“Now Kagi-kun is acting really different, he’s stopped doing a lot of things he used to do in the past and it feels like we're growing apart and I hate it. I know he’s probably trying to get over his feelings for me but I don’t know why I hate the idea of that. I feel like a part of what makes me fond of him is his feelings for me, and I don’t want that to change.”
Sasaki couldn’t help but laugh, watching as his friend continued to talk about his feelings while oblivious of how romantically inclined he sounded. “Hirano, you’re really slow on the uptake.”
“Oi. I didn’t tell you all this just to be made fun of.”
Sasaki heaved a sigh. “I’m not trying to make fun of you. Hirano, would you want to kiss him again?”
Hirano seemed taken aback by Sasaki’s question, his face flushing at the idea. “What does that have to do with anything??”
“Well if you like the idea of kissing him, then to me it sounds like what you feel for him isn’t just a senpai-kohai type of thing. That’s what I think at least.”
Hirano’s mind flashed through all their moments together, the day Kagiura confessed, when Kagiura got jealous on Valentine’s day, when they hugged in the nurse’s office, when Hirano had noticed he wished for Kagiura’s presence even while he wasn’t there.
Did Hirano want to kiss Kagiura?
Yes, he did.
But he was afraid of his feelings for another guy. He was afraid of not knowing how he felt.
Kagiura had visited a café with Niibashi that weekend, and it was then that Niibashi had brought up what he had noticed.
“Something happened between you and Hirano-senpai didn’t it.” Niibashi narrowed his eyes at Kagiura as he took a bite from his macaroon.
Kagiura signed lightly. “Hah… how did you notice?”
“Well you haven’t talked about him all week, so… it was pretty obvious.” Niibashi took a sip of his drink, raising his eyebrows for an explanation.
Kagiura looked blankly at the table, then suddenly tears began to well up in his eyes. This caught Niibashi off guard as he frantically picked Kagiura up and brought him outside to sit on a bench in a park.
“Hey hey, it’s okay. You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Niibashi tried to ease his tears.
Kagiura shook his head. This was the first time Niibashi had seem Kagiura cry because of Hirano. “It was all my fault… I got too excited, I shouldn’t have. I never should have. I kissed him and he got mad. He told me he’ll never like me.”
Niibashi began to gently pat Kagiura’s back as he cried. “Though I think it’s fair he got mad at you for that, he’s not worth your time Kagiura. I think it’s time to move on.”
Kagiura made his way back to the dorms, going back around an hour before curfew. His eyes were a bit red, and he just hoped no one would notice.
Kagiura had entered the dorm, greeting Hirano with his face turned. Hirano wasn’t sure what to tell him, but he thought maybe if he told Kagiura what he told Sasaki, whatever he was feeling would come through to him.
“Kagi-kun, I need to talk to you.” Hirano stated. Kagiura flinched a bit, worried about his tear-stained face being exposed.
“Maybe we can talk later, Hirano-san.” Kagiura murmured.
“Kagi-kun, I really need to tell you this now, if you could please just hear me out-“ Hirano had grabbed Kagiura’s wrist, only for Kagiura to pull away. Hirano looked up to see Kagiura’s eyes tearing up, his eyes red from having already cried. “Kagi-kun-“
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” Kagiura ran out of the dorm, but this time Hirano ran after him.
“Kagi-kun, wait!” Kagiura had run out of the dorm and down the street, but Hirano wouldn’t stop chasing after him. Eventually, they both stopped, Hirano more visibly out of breath.
“You basketball kids… so much stamina…” Hirano tried to catch his breath before grabbing onto Kagiura’s shirt to stop him from running off. “You’re not going… anywhere…”
Kagiura just stood there, tears pouring down his face. “Why did you chase after me? Why do you keep giving me hope when you said you’d never like me like I like you?? Hirano-san… you keep making me excited, but you don’t realise how much it hurts me.”
Kagiura dropped to his knees, sobbing between his arms. Hirano looked down at him, his heart aching at the sight of Kagiura sobbing, his Kagiura in so much pain because of him.
“Kagi-kun, I don’t think it was just false hope.” Hirano said, looking away. Kagiura froze for a moment.
“What do you mean..?”
Hirano began to scratch his head, his face heating up. “Look, I don’t really… know how to say this. I don’t even know what went through my mind. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you and said those things, but I’ve never been good with feelings and I’ve never really… understood it either. I had to talk to someone else to understand mine.”
Hirano walked around and stood in front of Kagiura. “Look… I didn’t… hate it. I didn’t hate it when you kissed me. But I got scared. I got scared of how it made me feel towards you. But I kept dreaming about it over and over and when I thought about kissing you again it wasn’t… bad either. Damn it, I’m not good at this.”
Kagiura stood up, his heart racing as he listened to what Hirano had to say. “Part of the reason I was so fond of you was because you liked me, and the thought of losing that… I hate it. I don’t want you to stop liking me. I never understood why, but maybe now I might understand it a bit more.”
Kagiura slowly grabbed Hirano’s shoulders gently, pulling him closer. “Hirano-san, do you want to try kissing me again?”
Kagiura’s eyes were glistening with hope that what Hirano was saying was exactly what it sounded like. Hirano couldn’t ignore that. His face was flushed, and he looked away in embarrassment. “I… guess we could… try…”
And just like that, Kagiura had leaned in, their lips a mere centimetre away, giving Hirano the option to pull away. Hirano didn’t though, he leaned in and let their lips touch as they shared their first proper kiss. The sensation of Kagiura’s lips on Hirano's is something he remembered well, and he knew he wouldn’t forget.
Hirano’s heart raced, and it scared him a little, but he knew why it did that now.
They pulled apart, Kagiura looking at Hirano’s face so lovingly that Hirano felt his stomach flutter. “How was that?” Kagiura smiled. That boy was his. The boy who was honest and passionate, the type of person he’d want to marry.
And with that, Hirano leaned in again, kissing Kagiura himself. Curfew was in a couple of minutes, but for the first time Hirano didn’t care.
“Thank you for waiting for me, Kagi-kun.”
“It was worth it to be with you, Hirano-san.”