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WIZ: Yoshikage Kira, JoJo’s bizarre murderer of Morioh.
BOOMSTICK: Tohru Adachi, Persona 4’s Egocentric Police Dick.
WIZ: Submitted for your approval, a climactic showdown between small-town, supernatural serial killers.
BOOMSTICK: He’s Wiz, and I’m Boomstick!
WIZ: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
YOSHIKAGE KIRA
BOOMSTICK (singing): “Mori-Mori-Mori-Mori-Morioh Cho Radiooo!~ ‘Morioh Cho Radio!’ We love Morioh Cho!”
WIZ: And who could blame them, when Morioh was nothing less than the gold standard for suburban living?
BOOMSTICK: Well, save for those 15-odd years of missing persons cases.
WIZ: No bodies were ever found. No culprit was ever brought to light.
BOOMSTICK: And though 1999’s bizarre summer saw the incidents come to a stop, there are still those left wondering what—or WHO—could’ve erased so many lives without a trace.
WIZ: His name was Yoshikage Kira.
BOOMSTICK: He was 33 years old.
WIZ: Boomstick, no.
BOOMSTICK: His house was in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and he was not married.
WIZ: Boomstick, no! Stop! We’re not reciting the entire meme!
BOOMSTICK: Dammit! Aww…
WIZ: I mean, that’s what the background slide’s for.
BOOMSTICK: Aww, yeah!
WIZ: Yoshikage Kira is not your typical antagonist. He has no diabolical, world-shaking ambitions… or ambitions, period.
BOOMSTICK: Forget going for gold, dude goes for bronze at most. L-Look at it this way: Y’know the nine-to-five cryptid coworker, right—the guy nobody actually knows since all he ever does is show up, slave away, treat small talk like smallpox and clock out? That’s Kira.
WIZ: What we’re trying to explain is that Kira wants to live a quiet life. He doesn’t want power, he doesn’t want fame… All Kira wants is to be another nondescript face in the crowd.
BOOMSTICK: Whooo just so happens to be a dead ringer for David Bowie in suits so loud they should come with headphones.
WIZ: Nondescript by JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure standards.
BOOMSTICK: There we go.
WIZ: But every man has his needs, and no man is an island. Friendship, Kira can live without. Companionship… not so much.
BOOMSTICK: So, what, does he go and get himself a dog? [shifts into a Jared Leto impression] A little chow, or something?
WIZ [turns on his Christian Bale cheer]: No, Boomstick!
BOOMSTICK [no longer doing the bit]: Is that a severed hand?!
WIZ [continuing the bit]: Yes, it is! [his cheeriness becomes strained] In what I really hope is the weirdest kink we’ll ever cover in Death Battle, Kira… dates women’s hands.
BOOMSTICK: Because as a kid, he saw the Mona Lisa—y’know, Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa?—and though I get it’s a bit crude to say, her folded hands gave him a boner.
WIZ: Young Yoshikage tried to indulge his new urges. The results were messy. Very messy.
BOOMSTICK: But one mystical arrow shanking from his dead-dad-turned-living-photograph gave Kira all he needed: a yoked-up, leather-strapped cat-man guardian spirit. [...] Gotta love out-of-context JoJo.
WIZ: This was a Stand, a psychic manifestation of the user’s soul. Many exist, as varied as human minds can be, but few are as deadly as Kira’s Killer Queen.
BOOMSTICK [singing]: "Gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam—"
WIZ: For all that diversity, Stands do follow a basic set of rules. Stands can only be seen by Stand users, and only be harmed by fellow Stands.
BOOMSTICK: Plus, if a Stand loses an arm or something, so does its user. If it’s destroyed… Well, you get the gist.
WIZ: Stands typically also fall into several categories, with Killer Queen being a Close-Range Power Type.
BOOMSTICK: Pretty self-explanatory—it can only throw hands in a 2-meter radius from Kira, but godDAMN, can it ever throw hands!
WIZ: Killer Queen’s traded blows with Stands like Josuke’s Crazy Diamond and even Jotaro’s Star Platinum, whose furious fists we’ve covered numerous times on this show.
Both encounters saw Killer Queen soundly beaten, but all three Stands share an official A-ranking when it comes to destructive power.
BOOMSTICK: To recap, we know Star Platinum scales to Silver Chariot cutting a beam of light at fifteen hundred times the speed, as well as Stone Free punching out meteors with the force of 441 kilotons of TNT.
WIZ: The thing is, Kira detests punching his problems away. Fighting leads to enemies. Enemies lead to worries. Worries lead to sleepless nights.
BOOMSTICK: Just throws his whole schedule outta whack.
WIZ: That’s where Killer Queen’s special abilities come in: so that if Yoshikage has to fight, he can maintain peace of mind knowing he’ll leave nothing behind.
“For you see, Killer Queen can turn anything it touches into a bomb.”
BOOMSTICK [singing again]: "Guaranteed to blow your mind, ANYTIIIME!~"
WIZ: Killer Queen’s Primary Bomb can charge any object, inanimate or not, with explosive energy. This charge is then transferred through physical contact before detonating at Kira’s command, atomizing his victim completely.
BOOMSTICK: If he’s feeling it, anyway, ‘cuz Killer Queen’s kabooms are fully customizable, from their size and strength all the way down to what they specifically erase.
WIZ: Like, for example, destroying a woman’s body… save for her right hand… which Yoshikage will shower in love and affection until decomposition starts turning him off.
BOOMSTICK: Wiz, I don’t usually do kinkshaming, but I’m kinkshaming hard.
WIZ: Now, there are a few limitations to the Primary Bomb, key of which being that only one charge may be set at a time.
BOOMSTICK: Ya hear that, though? “Primary?” “Charge?”
???: Look over here…
BOOMSTICK: “Look over here?” [starts, visible confusion on his face] “‘Look over here’?”
Boomstick does as the voice on his shoulder asks, turning to see what’s pictured below staring back at him…
BOOMSTICK: OH SHI—
…right before it explodes. Wiz is indifferent to his co-host’s plight.
WIZ: That would be the Second Bomb, a.k.a. Sheer Heart Attack.
BOOMSTICK [trying to sing through the pain]: I feel so inar, inar, inar, inar, inar— [collapses into a coughing fit]
WIZ: “Inarticulate,” yes, moving on. SHA is unique in how it almost functions as a secondary Stand—an autonomous, high-range, heat-seeking explosive deployed from Killer Queen’s left hand.
BOOMSTICK [better now]: Ugh, it’s not exactly vaporizing anyone inside-out, but with the punch it packs, it might as well be.
WIZ: And should that unlucky soul survive the first blast, Sheer Heart Attack can always reform itself for another go.
BOOMSTICK: Wait… you don’t mean…
SHEER HEART ATTACK: Look over here…
BOOMSTICK: Agh! 99 Bottles!
Out comes Boomstick’s Stand, a mustachioed beer can, to transform SHA into a regular beer can…
BOOMSTICK: …
…which, upon being cracked open by our chronic alcoholic, all but explodes like a fizzy hand grenade.
BOOMSTICK: ACKPLBTH—! Eugh, it’s a tank in more ways than tread, too. It took several of Star Platinum’s time-stop punch-rushes—again, physically strongest Stand around—and it barely cracked!
WIZ: But while Kira boasts that “Sheer Heart Attack has no weaknesses,” he’s honestly full of it. That automatic nature means not only can SHA’s actions NOT be directed or even monitored by Kira, it will ALWAYS pursue the hottest thing around it, even if that diverts it from the intended target.
BOOMSTICK: Kira also can’t call off his Heart Attack whenever and wherever. He’s gotta fetch it himself, which risks exposing himself if his targets aren’t toast.
WIZ: And wouldn’t you know it, that’s precisely what sparked the beginning of Kira’s end. Humiliated, exposed and beaten to a near-pulp in short order by Josuke and company, Yoshikage was forced into hiding the only way he could.
BOOMSTICK: By murdering-slash-having a Stand-powered beautician switch his face with a random joe named Kosaku Kawajiri. A.K.A. by re-enacting Face/Off.
WIZ: I—Dammit, that actually kinda works.
BOOMSTICK: Now, why he didn’t skip town ASAP… kinda throwing me for a loop.
WIZ: Simple—because no way in hell was Kira going to disrupt his lifestyle any more than absolutely necessary.
BOOMSTICK: Okay, but what about Kosaku’s family? Wouldn’t they start noticing something’s off?
WIZ: Funny you should mention that—Kosaku just so happened to be such an incredible bore that his wife deemed Kira’s brick-wall personality a massive improvement.
BOOMSTICK: Wow. Just… wow.
WIZ: To be fair, it has been scientifically proven that women LOVE men who’ll adopt a Stray Cat.
BOOMSTICK: Right. So, remember Kira’s Polaroid Pappy and his magic arrow? Yeah, he thought stabbing a random cat with it would help keep the heat off his son’s trail. Spoilers, it didn’t—the poor kitty died, then came back as a cat-plant-Stand thing growing in Kira’s backyard. [...] Only in JoJo.
WIZ: The aptly-if-uncreatively-named Stray Cat’s main ability is localized aerokinesis.
BOOMSTICK: Which is science speak for “it can control the air around itself.”
WIZ: That might not seem like much, but blowing compressed air bubbles is surprisingly versatile when they’re capable of withstanding Crazy Diamond’s punches and detonating with enough force to instantly kill someone.
BOOMSTICK: Especially if Killer Queen slaps ‘em with a Primary Bomb charge, which it can very easily do if Stray Cat’s resting snug as a bug inside of KQ’s hollowed-out abs.
Kira cannot directly command Stray Cat like he does Killer Queen, but it’s rarely an issue, as Stray Cat will instinctively defend itself from oncoming aggressors.
WIZ: So for a while, “Kosaku” had it made. But as a creature of compulsive habit, it was only a matter of time before—
BOOMSTICK: A sexy set of hands trash-talked Kira’s special bowling-pin nail-clippers and he popped another murd-erection. […] Only in JoJo.
WIZ: To make matters worse, he’d been tailed by Kosaku’s son, who didn’t need to see Stands to get video evidence of his false father molesting a dead hand. [...] Only in JoJo.
BOOMSTICK: Add that to “Josuke’s gang getting hotter on the trail,” and things were going downhill real quick.
WIZ: His back against the wall, Yoshikage Kira prayed for an answer to his crisis. The Stand Arrow replied, stabbing him once more and taking Killer Queen to its third and final level: Bites the Dust.
BOOMSTICK: Aaand another one’s gone, and another one’s gone…
WIZ: To put it simply… [starts speaking quickly] Bites the Dust is a miniature Killer Queen, planted into a host’s eye and set to erase anyone who discovers Kira’s secret. The explosion rips through time itself, sends the host back an hour and creates a temporal loop wherein anyone previously killed by Bites the Dust is destined to explode again at the exact time, regardless of whether they reactivate it. This can only be stopped by either killing Kira or forcing him to withdraw Bites the Dust—a tall order, given that he himself isn’t aware of when the time loops take place to begin with.
WIZ: Any questions?
BOOMSTICK: … Uh, yeah, just one: why?! Why’s it gotta be so goddamn complex for so little reason?! Why can’t he just… y’know, blow people up and be done with it? Or-Or make someone who already knows who he is the host or whatever?!
WIZ: Well, one, that was three questions. Two, plot. We need the villain to actually be beatable.
BOOMSTICK: And beatable, he was. After getting tricked into round 2 with Morioh’s heroes, Yoshikage Kira’s luck finally ran out. In supreme irony, not only did the dude’s head get run over by an ambulance of all things, his spirit got dragged into purgatory by—get this—a horde of hellish hands.
WIZ: No arrest, no trial, no incarceration, no stopping the new gossip surrounding the loud, violent end to a quiet, peaceful life. How very deserving for Yoshikage Kira.
“But before you have the chance to utter a word of this to another soul, I shall eradicate you. I’ll sleep soundly tonight. I can already feel it.”
TOHRU ADACHI
BOOMSTICK: “When the clock strikes twelve on a rainy night, turn off your TV and tune into the Midnight Channel, where you’ll find your soulmate gazing back.”
WIZ: Ah, the gullibility of backwater bumpkins never ceases to amaze.
BOOMSTICK, BACKWATER BUMPKIN: Firstly, fuck you. Secondly, eat shit and live. Yes, live. Those were the heckling days of my youth!
WIZ: Firstly, you mean “halcyon.” Secondly, Yasoinaba, Japan, is so deep in the sticks that I’m shocked Atlus never had to sue Marriam-Webster for making it the literal textbook definition.
BOOMSTICK: Did I say I was debating that? No. I’m saying I refuse to entertain anti-sticks rhetoric, especially when you know damn well that Midnight Channel was no hoax!
WIZ: Indeed. No one ever found their soulmate, but people DID eventually start showing up on screen. As for the how and why of it all… well, they’d never tell.
BOOMSTICK: ‘Cuz those 15 minutes of fame ended with them showing up next on telephone poles.
WIZ: A visiting reporter fresh off a scandal… A local high-schooler drifting through third year… Two dead bodies. Two clear homicides. Zero wounds. Zero suspects.
BOOMSTICK: But no need to worry with the Inaba P.D. 's best and brightest working the case, right?
WIZ: Make that “their single best and brightest, guest-starring Tohru Adachi,” and start rethinking your stance.
BOOMSTICK: Okay, so Adachi was kinda the department jester—the bumbling rookie always letting crucial info slip to teens and getting chewed out by his partner/boss, Ryotaro Dojima. But c’mon, it’s not like it was HIS fault the investigation kept going nowhere fast, right? Riiiiight?
WIZ: … Are you done?
BOOMSTICK: I was thinking you’d tell me when.
WIZ: Adachi grew up in self-isolated study, led to believe hard work was all anybody needed—that a social life didn’t equal a successful one.
BOOMSTICK: Because that totally isn’t “How to Speedrun Nihilism 101.” And what did that hard work get him?
WIZ: Why, his dream job in the police force… where Adachi was quickly overshadowed by younger talent and unceremoniously transferred to Inaba… where, again, he wasn’t exactly well-respected. Or paid.
The reason for Adachi’s transfer is never explicitly stated, but heavily implied to be due to a major offense.
BOOMSTICK: Ignoring how Dojima treated him like family in-between brow-beatings, Adachi kept playing the Fool like it’d earn him a bonus check.
WIZ: All the while sinking ever deeper into his self-dug cesspool of boredom, and resentment—believing that this was all life had to offer.
BOOMSTICK: Great guy to give superpowers!
WIZ: Right. Remember that reporter? While Adachi was trying to sexually assault her, he accidentally pushed her into the TV.
BOOMSTICK: And we don’t mean that in some Freddy Krueger “Nightmare on Elm Street” sorta way. We mean he pushed that poor chick into the TV. [...] Wiz, you explain.
WIZ: Turns out, the Midnight Channel is a gateway to a fog-covered reality shaped by humanity’s collective consciousness. Here roam monstrous Shadows, our darkest thoughts given physical form, eager to slaughter any trespassers to their domain.
BOOMSTICK: Basically, in here, your inner demons don’t stay very “inner” for long. And the only way out is usually for them to throw you out, over a telephone line and minus a pulse.
Adachi can enter and exit the TV world through any screen his body can fit through, though where he comes out depends on where he goes in.
WIZ: Initially—and perhaps naturally—Adachi was just as shocked as anyone else come the body discovery. But as that shock faded, and a third-year girl became his second test run… something else clicked.
BOOMSTICK: If killing boredom meant killing people, well, them’s the breaks. Might as well go all in. And if it winds up getting mankind consumed by the fog as both realities spill over on each other? Pft. Not like anything of value’s lost!
WIZ: So began Adachi’s game of cat-and-mouse, him versus Inaba. Or rather, him versus a plucky group of teens (coincidentally led by Dojima’s nephew) venturing through the Midnight Channel to rescue would-be victims.
BOOMSTICK: Wait, how the hell were they pulling that off? Wouldn’t they be Shadow fodder in there, too?
WIZ: They would, were it not for the power awakened through facing one’s Shadow—facing oneself—and accepting what’s easiest denied. The power of… Persona!
BOOMSTICK: Aka, psychic manifestations of the user’s souls. Only this time, they’re flavored after gods and legends and crap, so it’s totally an original concept! Do not steal!
WIZ: Adachi’s Persona is Magatsu-Izanagi, Shinto mythology’s corrupted creator deity.
BOOMSTICK: And the abilities it’s packing match that divine status, whether it’s calling forth wind and lightning straight outta Judgement Day or dropping almighty nukes!
Magarudyne, Maziodyne and Megidola, respectively. That last one in particular bypasses special defenses.
WIZ: Should anyone witness its Evil Smile, their heart will be seized by fear. Should a fearful ear hear its Ghastly Wail, certain death isn’t just imminent, but immediate.
BOOMSTICK: If that’s somehow not enough, Magatsu-Izanagi’s got magic spells for juicing up its other magic spells… along with its defenses and physical strength. I mean, c’mon, one look at that monstrous naginata—that’s Japanese for “sword-on-a-stick”—
WIZ: Do not listen to him.
BOOMSTICK: —and you know this Persona ain’t just playing the long-range game. With attacks like Atom Smasher and Vorpal Blade, this thing’s a combat beast at any range!
WIZ: Abusing all these powers does tend to drain Adachi’s stamina. And since he and Magatsu-Izanagi are joined at the mind, any damage taken by the latter is felt by the former.
BOOMSTICK: But luckily for him, that same connection also gives Adachi a superhuman physique good for taking some serious punishment.
In addition, even if a Persona’s overtaxed and/or destroyed, it can be re-summoned without issue after a short time.
WIZ: It’s ironic, really.
BOOMSTICK: What is?
WIZ: For how much Adachi bitched and moaned about “those talented few”, who would’ve guessed he’d turn out to be an exceptionally gifted Persona-wielder himself, capable of fighting Yu and the Investigation Team all at once?
BOOMSTICK: Wiz, what’re you talkin’ about? I wasn’t there.
WIZ: Ugh, I know you weren’t, I was—
BOOMSTICK: But you just said—
WIZ (agitated): Y! U!
BOOMSTICK (also agitated for entirely different reasons): “Why, me” what, Wiz? You wanna tussle?! ‘Cuz it’s starting to sound like you wanna goddamn tussle!
WIZ (leaning in, gritting his teeth): I’m seriously starting to consider it, Costello.
BOOMSTICK: Wh—[...]—Oh.
WIZ: Yup. Now, as I was saying… Ahem. Yu and the Investigation Team had been fighting Shadows for a year—
BOOMSTICK: Me and who?
The following display of violence will not be described.
WIZ (beaten and bruised): Ugh… Yet Adachi held his own against their combined efforts without any prior experience.
BOOMSTICK (same): Ow… Persona-based experience, anyways. I mean, he did put a lotta work into his police training, and it shows. Adachi’s just as sharp a thinker as he is a shooter, and he once took down Investigation Team co-founder Yosuke without his Persona!
WIZ: Doubly-impressive when you consider that, like many other Persona-users, Yosuke has often kept pace with bullets, lightning and even radio waves.
BOOMSTICK: Those things move at the speed of light, just as an F.Y.I.
WIZ: In regards to power, Magatsu-Izanagi helped destroy Hi-No-Kagusutchi, a Fire God of Destruction whose mere presence would've led to a scorched Earth. Granted, it was a shared effort further strengthened by Yu and Adachi’s bond, but—
BOOMSTICK: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
WIZ: Boomstick, I swear to god—
BOOMSTICK: I think you’re jumping ahead a little! “Adachi”? “Bond?” Where did that come from?
WIZ: Oh. Right. Well, after losing his game, Adachi expected that to be the end of the line. But, to his surprise, Yu and his friends spared him, literally dragging Adachi back to reality. Then, to his shock, Dojima—who really should’ve hated Adachi—had his injuries treated immediately upon arrest.
BOOMSTICK: Damn… so, what, that finally got Adachi looking at the world through brighter lenses?
WIZ: Oh, no, he’s still a nihilistic asshole. But while he may never be a believer, Adachi’s since become an acceptor—a model prisoner diligently following the rules set by his game’s winners, refusing to let their victory go to waste. And if Dojima still wants to visit his old friend in prison? Far be it from Adachi to stop him.
"How does it feel when I beat you? Are you pissed? Miserable? Frustrated? That's what it's like to lose."
WIZ: Alright, the combatants are set! We’ve run the data through all possibilities!
BOOMSTICK: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLLLLLE!!!
Submitted for your approval, this small town goes unnamed. It’s unimportant, unremarkable in every way, shape and form, save for location and purpose. The location: a grim reality overlooked by a crimson sky striped with black and overrun by monsters of mankind’s subconscious. The purpose: a supernatural battleground for two supernatural serial killers…
… and a fitting burial ground for one.
Let’s check in on our first contestant.
His name is Yoshikage Kira. He is 33 years old. He’s a man of average height and slim to athletic build. His light-blond hair is loosely combed-back, with only a few strands out of place. People have compared his pronounced cheekbones to those of movie stars—compliments he’s taken in quiet strides. As a salesman by profession, he wears a lavender Valentino suit alongside his favorite tie. Some might call the ensemble tacky, but so long as they pay him no further mind, he returns the favor.
After all, doing otherwise could end up compromising Yoshikage Kira's sole desire: to live a quiet, boring life.
A life today seems hell-bent on making impossible.
For thirty-odd minutes, Kira’s been wandering this literal ghost town, keeping a low profile through its backstreets and alleyways. He doesn’t remember arriving, but he knows he isn’t dreaming, either—the all-too-real sensations on his skin prove it. Deductive reasoning suggests this must be the work of an enemy Stand, but unless Kira can locate the user…
He comes to a stop at a quaint little outdoor shopping center. Every single window of every single store, no matter the size nor brand, is home to a different television set. Odd in a vacuum, but nothing shocking here. In fact, Kira’s yet to even notice the TV monopoly.
How can he, when he’s got unexpected company?
Whereas Kira takes pride in his appearance, the man standing ten yards away clearly doesn’t. His dark hair’s unkempt, his black suit’s wrinkled, his posture’s slack and his red tie’s as crooked as his smile. He’s nothing special at first glance, and a second look doesn’t change much.
Except, of course, for the previously-concealed revolver—the kind legally carried only by cops—now hastily drawn upon eye contact.
Kira’s response is near-automatic.
“Augh! D-Don’t shoot!” Only his hands stay up while the rest of him falls, knees on the ground and eyes wide with practiced panic. “Sir, please, I swear I-I don’t know what’s going on!” The gunman seems puzzled. Kira takes that as a sign to continue. “You’re the first person I’ve seen in—”
BANG.
In a normal story, that’d mark the end. With the trigger pulled, the hammer would strike, the gunpowder would ignite and the bullet would hit its mark—not swatted aside like a fly by some specter emerging from Kira’s body.
But we’re far past the point of this being a normal story.
It’s a sight to behold. Its porcelain-pink, olympian physique is scantily clad in dark, studded leather—gladiator gear trying too hard to look exotic. Its head is crowned by feline ears, its nose is nonexistent, and its lips teeter on the edge. Its punch-colored eyes and their slitted pupils cast a predatory glare.
This is Yoshikage Kira’s Stand, Killer Queen.
And speaking of…
“That’s quite the itchy trigger finger you have there.” It’s like a flip’s been switched. Shedding his panicked everyman act—slowly, deliberately climbing to his feet—Kira speaks, his voice now dripping liquid nitrogen. “You could’ve just killed an innocent man. Is that any way for a law-abiding officer to—”
“Quit your whining, I was only gonna graze ya.” But, see, Tohru Adachi? He doesn’t freeze. He doesn’t even flinch. He isn’t intimidated. He’s bored. Visibly, dreadfully bored, even while holding a man at gunpoint. “Don’t you know what they say about assuming things?”
“It makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’. I’m well aware. But, given your course of action, I believe it’s safe to assume you’re behind all of this.”
Cue the sound of Adachi sucking his teeth. “And there you go, being an ass again… Look, we’re both stuck here ‘til one man’s left standing, and I’ve got a crappy jail cell to crawl back to. So you mind just…” Raising his firing arm, he lightly taps his head with his revolver’s barrel. “I dunno, letting me knock your lights out for a bit?”
“I sincerely hope you don’t expect me to trust a self-admitted convict,” Kira scoffs. “Besides, you’ve already seen my Killer Queen.”
“Funny name for a Persona, but alright.”
“‘Persona’? I was led to believe they were called Stands.”
“Whatever you wanna call it, why should I care that you’ve got it?”
“Because the moment you laid eyes on it, you learned too much.” Kira and Killer Queen’s bodies overlap as they begin to slowly advance. “You became a threat to my peace of mind—an enemy in need of erasing.”
Around them, the TVs turn on. Static at first, second and third.
“Geez…” Adachi groans. In his formerly-free hand manifests a crimson tarot card—the Hunger Arcana—wreathed in azure flames. “Guess this is what I get for trying.” Without a second thought, his fist clenches, smothering the fire and shattering the card at once.
A blood-red-and-black color scheme broken up only by vein-like patterns of a lighter shade and two soul-piercing golden eyes. A massive, flowing headband wrapped around a horned helmet. A high-collared, calf-length gakuran jacket.
A corrupted creator god brandishing his serrated, machete-tipped spear in clear anticipation of the coming carnage.
“It’s no good to get so easily worked up, you know,” Adachi wryly remarks from underneath his Persona, Magatsu-Izanagi. “Especially around these parts.”
As if on command, an eerie cacophony of ghoulish clicks and whispers echoes throughout the town. The Shadows, they’re getting restless. They’re advancing, drawn to the human spirit like moths to a flame.
Neither combatant cares.
“Then I’ll have to dispatch you quickly.”
“Go ahead. Try it.”
“Killer Queen!”
“Magatsu-Izanagi!”
FIGHT!
Crimson electricity gathers in Magatsu-Izanagi’s open hand—a Zio spell, soon hurled at Kira like an underhand pitch from Zeus. We must be in the little leagues, though, because Killer Queen’s fist reduces it to static.
“For something so arrogantly named after a god,” Kira taunts. “I expected more.”
“Hey, I didn’t name it,” Adachi shrugs. “But if more’s what you want, then…” How about Mazio? No pitching, this time—fingers snap, and thunderbolts rain down.
“Killer Queen!” At its master’s command and triple the speed of light, Killer Queen moves to shield Kira with what some call the best defense, its arms all but blurring from existence in a punch-rush for the ages. Against it, Mazio fares little better than its predecessor.
Changing tactics, Magatsu-Izanagi rushes in. Killer Queen meets him halfway. The Persona swings his spear. The Stand weaves aside. Golden knuckles plant themselves in an armored cheek, while serrated steel cuts nothing but air… and concrete…
…for twenty feet past its tip.
“Kono powa…!” Kira marvels, his unflappable gaze subverted for the first time. It’s juxtaposed to Adachi, who manages to look smug while rubbing an injured jawline. As the sinister specters rinse and repeat their exchange, Kira’s forced to dodge aside, lest he be accidentally cleaved in twain—forced to cover his eyes, lest the kicked-up debris blind him. The latter’s a decision he’ll soon regret, however, as what should he see when he lowers his guard?
Adachi mid-pounce, his grin self-satisfied and the butt of his gun raised overhead.
It might as well be a sledgehammer.
A vicious pistol whip makes Kira kiss pavement and a follow-up kick has him rock-skipping on concrete. His mind races as fast as one can while it’s seeing stars. He’d been careless, too focused on the Persona—he hadn’t expected the Persona-user to enter close-range, let alone hit like that thrice-damned Star Platinum!
“Killer Queen!” Dispelled and recalled in the same instant, Killer Queen catches Kira, cradling its master as they skid to a stop. Kira’s put down gently, but he finds his footing unsteady. No big surprise, considering the blood flowing down his face.
“Had enough yet?” Adachi sneers, casually rolling his striking shoulder while Magatsu-Izanagi hovers at his side. That cocksure aura’s short-lived, however, as Kira soon answers with a sneer all his own.
“Why, yes…” His words are soft-spoken. Relieved, almost. “As a matter of fact…” Why? Why, just look at Killer Queen—four fingers curled in under a thumb raised high, almost as if… “I have.”
Almost as if it were holding a primed detonator.
CLICK.
It happens so fast. Cracks form all over Magatsu-Izanagi, spreading from prior points of four-knuckled contact. The Persona spontaneously combusts. The blast barely expands before it’s sucked back into the void. Nothing remains—no traces, no evidence that the god ever existed…
Save for its summoner.
Gone are any hints of mirth or boredom on Adachi’s face. He’s not seeing stars, he’s seeing supernovas—feeling the heat-death in his every nerve ending. It’s agony. It’s the price to pay for the power of Persona.
It’s also not fatal; a fact throwing Kira for a bit of a loop.
“I erase his Stand, and he doesn’t suffer so much as a scratch?!” He thinks in regards to the currently-writhing Adachi. “No… he called his power a ‘Persona’. Is it a case of polyonymy—different names for the same thing, like panthers and cougars? Or…” Kira’s eyes narrow. “Either way, I can’t be reckless. I’ll finish this from a distance.”
Had Adachi the mental capacity for confusion right now, he’d likely be baffled at the sight before him: Killer Queen’s stomach opening up like a pantry, revealing a pink, bulbous… flowering plant with the face of a cat. And not in the same way that KQ merely resembles a cat, oh, no. This feline flower is hissing. Legitimately hissing, while Killer Queen’s hands cup the empty air before it.
But to reiterate, Adachi’s not baffled. He’s too busy slowly-but-surely shaking off his phantom-death-experience like a particularly bad hangover.
“God damn it,” he groggily groans. “This is why I never liked playing the good cop. Doormats only get walked on, after—”
Adachi’s head explodes. Well, truthfully, the invisible bubble beside his head explodes. Unlike its predecessor, this boom doesn’t treat the laws of physics as mere suggestions. It’s the real deal—a real blast that leaves nearby windows shattered and a singed Adachi coughing.
Okay, fine, consider him baffled.
But in very specific times like these, asking questions means shooting first. That’s just what Adachi does, and he does it with deadeye accuracy. Seven feet shy of its destination, the bullet bounces off of nothing… and promptly explodes.
This calls for some internal monologue.
“I get it,” Adachi thinks. “He’s got an invisible projectile up his sleeve. How annoying… he’s really not gonna make this easy for me, is he?”
More shots fired. More shots intercepted. More shots used up, until pulling the trigger only produces a click. For Adachi, it’s time to reload.
For Stray Cat, it’s time to end this. Pushing its aerokinetic powers (and whatever passes as its lungs) to their limits, the predatory plant blows one massive bubble after another. But instead of launching them immediately, Stray Cat instead has them form a wall of hyper-compressed air.
A move that doesn’t go unnoticed by Kira.
“I see, Stray Cat! Killer Queen!” The Stand punches each bubble near-simultaneously, launching them with greater force than Stray Cat could ever achieve on its own. Kira grins a blood-stained grin. In his eyes, this battle’s as good as won! Adachi’s still reloading! He has no way out of this, no Persona left to protect him!
Oh, how wrong Kira is.
From a shattered tarot, Magatsu-Izanagi’s reborn. His mighty spear swings once, and those bubbles burst as hundreds (if not thousands) of slashes follow. All of a sudden, it’s like the vicinity’s being put through a blender set to puree. With nowhere to run, Killer Queen’s forced to shield Kira once more, its flailing forearms all but shredded for the trouble—damage physically transferred to Kira himself.
But as the assault ends, and Kira notices the thoroughly-diced plant matter falling from Killer Queen’s stomach, he realizes in horror that he got off easy.
“S-Stray Cat…”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice that thing’s constant spitting?” Adachi with the wry rhetoric.
Kira doubles over, blooming bloodstains coating those Valentino sleeves. His hair’s a mess, his uneven bangs drooping over his eyes. His pulse is racing, his breathing haggard, his clenched fists shaking.
Kira takes a step back.
Adachi takes a step forward.
Kira turns tail.
Adachi takes aim.
Killer Queen throws out its left hand, detaching the golden emblem from the back of its glove. The emblem flies forth, takes its proper form and commands Adachi to—
“Look over here!”
“What the hell?!” An understandable reaction from the detective dick. After all, it’s not every day that one gets facehugged by a demonic RC toy—a plated sphere attached to a humanoid cat skull. Supernatural durability keeps Adachi’s skin from being ground off by those incessant caterpillar treads. Still not exactly a pleasant experience, though.
And that’s before the damn thing starts ticking.
“Persona!” Adachi yells again. Crimson-onyx claws comply, grabbing the mini-tank and tossing it like an overcooked grenade moments before the tick, tick, BOOM. Both Persona and user are pushed back, singed but otherwise unharmed.
The smoke clears, and what literally just blew up isn’t even singed.
“Look over here.” And behold Killer Queen’s Second Bomb: Sheer Heart Attack.
Adachi doesn’t, at first. He’s too busy scanning the street for any sign of Kira and coming up empty. Adachi scowls like someone who’d just gotten gum on their new shoes, and only then turns his attention back on SHA.
“Look over here!” Just in time to see it rushing in again.
“I heard you the first time!” With a flourish—a seamless swap to an overarm grip—Magatsu-Izanagi stabs his mighty spear down on Sheer Heart Attack. The impact cracks the concrete beneath… but not Sheer Heart Attack. Magatsu-Izanagi tries again, now with a two-handed grip. No dice. Magatsu-Izanagi rinses and repeats until the street sports a new pothole…
And Sheer Heart Attack is still there, sitting spick and span, smack-dab in the center, with only one thing to say:
“Look over—”
“Shut up, already!” Adachi’s frustration can scarcely be heard over the sudden green whirlwind—the Garu spell sweeping SHA aside, launching it through a nearby store! The noise dies down as Adachi calms down, waiting for the telltale sounds of incoming caterpillar treads.
And there they are.
“Alright. I break you, I break something of his. That’s how this works, right? Then let’s stop messing around. Heat Riser.” Magical, multicolored light bathes Adachi, bathes Magatsu-Izanagi. And in an instant, he feels it: their strength multiplied, their reflexes sharpening. It’s like their very souls have ignited!
As if in response, Sheer Heart Attack bursts out of the rubble, all of a sudden rocketing towards Adachi at breakneck speeds.
Tick.
Tick.
BOOM.
Kira feels it down to his bones. It’s not like he’s placed THAT much distance between himself and the battlefield—a hundred feet at best, by his estimates. His mad dash has left him winded, forced to prop himself against the alleyway while he catches breath. Doing so hurts.
But Kira keeps moving.
“Losing Stray Cat was a heavy setback,” he internally rationalizes. “But not a critical one. I still have Sheer Heart Attack.” Another explosion reaffirms it. “And Sheer Heart Attack has no weaknesses.”
Kira rounds a corner. Movement in the corner of his eyes has Killer Queen deployed on reflex. It’s a golden glove the size of a large dog, walking on three fingers as if given life by Walt Disney himself—though he’d have likely nixed the expressionless mask. With vocal cords it shouldn’t possess, the creature lets out a gargled yelp before running back the way it came.
The way in question is a dead end. Blinded by panic, the glove runs face—knuckles?—first into a wall, comically flopping over. Its already-frantic efforts to right itself multiply by five as it spots Kira approaching, his expression almost… entranced.
Killer Queen reaches down…
And helps the little Shadow up.
They all stand there for a moment, like time itself has been stunned.
“You are… the most beautiful creature… I’ve ever—”
And then the sky is opened.
Blinding light from above turns the world monochrome. A momentary delay, before head-splitting shockwaves bring Kira to his knees. He covers his ears, but something feels off. Pain. So much pain. So much one-sided warmth.
The wannabe nuclear-weapons test ends. The cognitive world reverts to its favored shades of red and black. Kira opens his eyes. He doesn’t scream. He wants to. God, does he want to. But he doesn’t give in to the temptation. Can’t risk giving away his location.
Because there’s only one explanation for why his left arm now ends abruptly at the wrist.
Sheer Heart Attack was destroyed.
Adachi still lives.
Kira stares a thousand yards ahead as he brings his remaining fingers to his mouth and chews. He nibbles and gnaws until skin and nail break, until sweet and sticky iron covers his taste buds. It’s a bad habit retained from a spoiled childhood—one that usually feeds his brain, calms his nerves. But…
“This is the worst-case scenario. Stray Cat… Sheer Heart Attack… Fighting from a safe distance has become impossible. Engaging in another brawl would be suicide, but what other choice do I have?! Where else could I go?! No… No! This can’t be happening! Have I, Yoshikage Kira, truly been cornered?!”
SNAP.
Light floods Kira’s vision once more, the key differences this time being a green tint and—far more vitally—an overwhelming soothing sensation. It’s gone as quick as it came, and in its wake, Kira feels rejuvenated. No, it’s more than a feeling. Though the blood on his skin remains, the wounds it spilled from have all but vanished. All of them.
His left hand speaks for itself.
“How…?”
A gargled growl gives Kira his answer—brings his attention to the golden glove still suspended in finger-snapping, spell-casting animation. It settles down, its masked expression unreadable, regarding Kira for a moment more. Words go unspoken, the Shadow beating a hasty retreat, fading into nothingness like a phantom.
A debt repaid.
Kira doesn’t linger on it for long. He can’t. There’s cold steel in his gaze again. He’s been given a second chance.
Adachi idly treads a familiar path, twirling his gun in one hand while cracking his neck with the other. Tracking Kira wasn’t hard. Even if his bloody trail hadn’t been a dead giveaway, most of the Shadows had gotten real quiet ever since his Almighty fireworks show—the curtain call for that annoying tank-for-tots—meaning Adachi could hear those labored breaths and magic tricks loud and clear.
The time is now.
Adachi rounds a corner. Movement in the corner of his eye. Killer Queen lunging, reaching out—a big cat ambushing its next meal. Kira right behind, smirking in triumph.
Had they been any closer, the battle would’ve been decided here and now. But Kira had no way to account for Heat Riser’s agility buffs. Adachi hops back to the streets in a blur, and Killer Queen touches nothing but empty air.
Silence.
“Phew!” Momentary, thanks to Adachi. “You almost had me there. Really. I’m being serious.” That jovial tone now dies painfully. “Kinda like how I’m seriously done with this shit.”
And here’s where something in Kira changes, where a question buried in his mind tunnels its way back to the surface. It doesn’t quite make it out his mouth, though, because Adachi’s continuing.
“You tried your best, and your best wasn’t enough. Tough break. That’s life—which, just as a reminder, I’m still totally willing to give you. Yet here you are, so gung-ho about throwing it away over some skeletons in your closet!”
And here’s where something in Kira starts to snap. “You have no idea—”
“Geez, just give it a rest already,” Adachi interrupts, his free hand pinching the bridge of his nose with no small amount of exasperation. “We’re both killers, here—I could tell that much from the start! But guess what? I don’t give a shit! I don’t give a shit about any of this! Not your motives, not your victims, not your powers… None of it’s my problem, so quit trying to make it!”
And, finally, here is where the climax begins. For this is a cognitive world, shaped by the thoughts and desires of mankind. And so it is that each and every television scattered across this twisted reality flickers to life at once, interrupting our Death Battle to bring its combatants an emergency broadcast.
Viewer discretion is prohibited.
A car pulling up. Table for two at Café Rengatei. Kira had considered reserving seats at the recently-opened Italian restaurant down the street, but its uniquely “up to the customer’s health” menu seemed too… adventurous for a first date. And this first date, in particular, needed to be just right.
He’d managed to snag the office sweetheart, after all.
As always, Kira arrived on-time. He sat down with his satchel, ordering drinks and appetizers for himself as the minutes ticked by, assuring the waiter that his date was merely running late, even promising to tip extra as an apology for wasting a seat. A pointless gesture, to be sure, but appreciated nevertheless.
Enough to overlook his weirdly one-sided conversations.
It really was a lovely evening spent. Such a shame that the walk home wound up so spoiled. A bunch of no-good delinquents, leeching off society, had deemed Kira an easy mark for a mugging.
Killer Queen erased them in seconds.
“I suppose that’s what I get for sticking to the alleyways,” Kira self-admonished. He unzipped his bag, sighing in relief at seeing what’s inside. “Thank goodness, they didn’t hurt you. I really am sorry. What else can I say? When I’m with you…”
What’s inside, you ask? Why, the office sweetheart’s severed hand.
“Nothing else seems to matter.”
The dimension-wide broadcast ends as abruptly as it begins, replaced by ceaseless static. White noise, to make up for the speechless viewers. It seems Kira’s forgotten how to blink, Killer Queen almost-but-not-quite mirroring his look of shock. To have his greatest secret revealed in such a pervasive manner… It's… It’s—
“That’s it?”
Two heads are torn from the screen at the sound of Adachi’s voice. Like them, he’s shocked. Stunned in disbelief.
“Pft.” Unlike them, however, it’s not long before his lips are curling. “Ha… Ahahaha!” Before he’s fighting a losing battle and giving up the ghost. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Before he’s doubling over, hugging his gut and all but crying.
It’s the ugly belly laugh of a bully, and Kira doesn’t know how to react. That’s fine, because Adachi’s more than willing to elaborate.
“Ha… Hah… All this time, all that bluster, all for what, a hand fetish?! And you, you actually believe it! You actually think that you’re normal—that you, of all people, deserve to keep indulging in fantasies like some spoiled brat!”
Once again, the tarot card flies. Once again, Magatsu-Izanagi emerges from its broken pieces. Once again, crimson lightning gathers. But this time, it gathers in front of Adachi, taking the form of an electrical pentagram. This time, what were once little more than glorified sparks are now the heart of a devastating storm, scorching the very earth beneath it.
And the Maziodyne spell has barely begun charging.
“I know I said I’d let you go,” Adachi muses with grim mirth. “Buuut I also swore an oath to uphold the law, and look where that ended. Consider this my community service.”
Faced with annihilation, Kira finally reacts.
“I’m a devoted fan of Kai Harada’s ‘Morioh-cho Radio’,” he says through a dry throat. “I’ve never missed a broadcast, and my memory is above-average. I say this because while Harada-san mainly sticks to local news, every so often, national headlines sneak their way in. For example…” Anger tints his voice, darkens his gaze. “An interview with a former detective who hung corpses from TV antennas—and I quote—’because the world sucks’.”
Kira raises his left hand, and mentally recites four bits of trivia.
“I am Yoshikage Kira.”
- An average bolt of lightning can measure over thirty-thousand degrees celsius (or fifty-thousand degrees fahrenheit).
“I don’t care to be understood…”
2. That’s five times hotter than the surface of the sun.
“... But I won’t have my precious way of life mocked by a man who can’t even enjoy his own!”
3. Sheer Heart Attack is a heat-seeking bomb.
“Now disappear, Tohru Adachi!”
4. The hotter its target, the bigger its blast.
“Look over here!”
All fades to white again.
Ash falls like snow onto a city block wiped off the map—the faux-nuclear fallout of Sheer Heart Attack’s devastating detonation.
At the center of all this ruin, surrounded by an ankle-height sea painted jet-black and in dire need of another golden-gloved intervention... There stands Yoshikage Kira, and only Yoshikage Kira.
He laughs. Arms spread reverently, he laughs. First weakly, then triumphantly and then uproariously, he laughs. He laughs at the world of his own design. Another enemy vanquished! Another night of sound sleep ensured for the man blessed by fate—
Magatsu-Izanagi breaches the shadow-ocean’s surface in an all-too-graceful arc, seizing Kira by the face and dragging him down impossible depths. Caught off-guard, the Morioh murderer summons his Stand a second too late. For it’s in that second that Kira’s eyes register an Evil Smile which cannot be described—which physically shouldn’t exist on an armored helmet.
And Kira finds his soul gripped by an unshakable sense of Fear.
“Y’know,” Adachi’s voice rings out through the abyss. “You’re not entirely wrong about me.” His Persona’s chest swells, sucking in air that isn’t there. “But I thought I made it clear earlier…”
Kira finds the courage to move. Again, too little, too late.
“I don’t care.”
Magatsu-Izanagi’s newborn maw extends, crunching and breaking as it forces itself open wide enough to unleash a Ghastly Wail.
Killer Queen goes first, cracking like glass and crumbling like sand.
Yoshikage follows suit, like any being made of flesh should never.
Ash falls like snow onto a city block wiped off the map—the faux-nuclear fallout of Sheer Heart Attack’s devastating detonation.
At the center of all this ruin, exiting the cognitive realm with a weary look of regret… is Tohru Adachi, and only Tohru Adachi.
"Do me a favor, and don't leave a body on the other side."
K.O.!
BOOMSTICK: Oof.
WIZ: Now, I know that simulation was a bit more… fanfiction-y than usual. But we kind of needed to give Kira that extra leg room, so to speak, or else the fight would’ve ended in a few short interactions.
BOOMSTICK: Which, okay, yeah, could apply to a lotta Death Battles. But a lotta Death Battles don’t feature fighters with go-to insta-kill powers. Can’t really write a satisfying punch-out when one dude makes the other explode the second he’s in range.
WIZ: Given the sheer gap in speed between Killer Queen and Magatsu-Izanagi, I wouldn’t even call it a “second”.
BOOMSTICK: So, then, why didn’t Kira do that, and why did Adachi win?
WIZ: Because “running the data through all possibilities” means asking what happens if our combatants are any further than 6 feet apart.
BOOMSTICK: The answer to that is very, very bad for Kira. Uh, sorry in advance to anyone who was rooting for him; this verdict might be rough.
WIZ: Let’s first discuss Kira’s only ranged options, Sheer Heart Attack and Stray Cat’s air bubbles—two slow-moving explosives, neither of which share the Primary Bomb’s transmutative properties.
BOOMSTICK: Meaning they kill people through old-fashioned external force.
WIZ: Clearly effective, but clearly outclassed when compared to lightning, hurricane winds and almighty nukes.
It’s possible for Killer Queen to flick a charged rock or bullet into Adachi at FTL speeds. But the odds of this strategy being employed by Kira (who’s notably less creative with his Stand powers than most) aren’t high enough to make a difference.
BOOMSTICK: And if Kira couldn’t compete with the straightforward spells, he was totally screwed against the trickier ones, especially ailment-inflictors.
WIZ: Assuming Personas and Stands are similar enough, Silence could outright shut off Killer Queen. Assuming they aren’t, Adachi could simply paralyze Kira through Fear before instantly killing him with Ghastly Wail.
BOOMSTICK: Or skip the set-up entirely and spam his other insta-kill option, Mudoon. Although, given its area of effect, spamming probably wouldn’t be necessary.
WIZ: Using it at all wouldn’t be necessary. While Killer Queen boasted a sizable speed advantage, Magatsu-Izanagi was so much stronger that those straightforward spells were insta-kills in their own right.
BOOMSTICK: Yeah, scaling to meteor-fisting is cool and all. Buuut killing a planet-scorching fire god is cooler.
WIZ: That’s not even the only god we could mention. In Persona 3, it’s established that eons ago, Nyx, Greek Goddess of the night, collided with Earth, forming our moon and setting our planet on its current rotation. If that rings a bell, it’s because—
BOOMSTICK (coughing): You’re a geek.
WIZ: —You’re familiar with the real-world Giant Impact Hypothesis, which concluded that the energy needed for such a feat would require over 2 zettatons of TNT!
BOOMSTICK: Why bring up Persona 3? Because the Investigation Team scrapped with the Shadow Operatives, and those guys... well, they technically didn't take down Nyx herself, but they DID take ON her avatar!
WIZ: Honestly, with that power gap in mind, even close-quarters combat would likely end in Killer Queen being obliterated by a lucky swing. Stray Cat’s defenses couldn’t withstand such a blow, and they only covered so much to begin with.
Both Kira and Adachi have fallen victim to their own hubris. But Adachi’s sabotage of the P-1 Climax shows he’s clearly learned from his mistakes—only playing the long game there due to not wanting any more murders on his hand. Against Kira (and within the rules of Death Battle), Adachi wouldn’t have reason to hold back.
BOOMSTICK: “But Wiz, what about Bites the Dust? Why didn’t it even show up?!”
WIZ: To be frank? Because within the context of a Death Battle, Bites the Dust is… kind of worthless. It’s not meant for combat—it’s meant for escaping or avoiding conflict altogether, something that the rules of our show forbid.
BOOMSTICK: Best-case scenario, Kira sticks BTD right on Adachi, triggers the time-loop… aaand now has to restart the fight without Killer Queen on-hand. Once again, Kira’s gotta be positioned to win immediately, or it’s GG.
WIZ: Yoshikage Kira was tenacious, and Killer Queen’s speed and hax were certainly no joke. But through Magatsu-Izanagi’s wide arsenal, longer range and overwhelming might, Adachi proved himself the superior supernatural serial killer.
BOOMSTICK [singing]: “Mamaaaaaa, just killed a man… He was horny for a hand, my Persona trounced his Stand…”
WIZ: The winner is Tohru Adachi.
SPECIAL THANKS TO...
- Kobuddy for not only commissioning this in the first place, but having the patience of a saint over this past year!
- Rina/Phantom Falcon for her help with Persona 4 calcs!
- Maxxine for being my soundboard, my emotional rock and my online sister who I couldn't have finished this without!
- Each and every one of you for reading this, and any other of my DB scripts these past few years.
- The official Death Battle crew for making a show that changed my life.