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Andrew Doe is freshly six years old when he wakes to the sight of his shadow leaving him for the first time.
It’s early in the morning, and Andrew is still adjusting to the new bed in the new room of his new home, so it takes him a minute to register what exactly is happening. Once he realizes, though, he shoots out of bed, throwing back his covers without a care and running on light feet after the rapidly moving silhouette.
He knows what this means. His last foster mother explained it to him, during a rare moment of peace, when Andrew noticed her shadow leave her and asked about it. She had explained that, on everyone’s birthday at the time they were born, starting when they turn six, their shadows would leave them and move towards their soulmate, wherever they were in the world. Their soulmate’s shadow would meet theirs in the middle, and the two shadows would take a minute to hold hands before returning to their people. Some people choose to follow their shadows until they’re led to the person the universe decided they were destined for. Some people simply ignore the departure of their shadows. She explained that it was her soulmate’s birthday, and so her shadow was going to meet theirs, like it did every year. When Andrew had asked why she didn’t follow it, she simply turned and looked towards the kitchen, where he knew his foster father was, and said nothing.
Andrew knows he should be more careful while racing through the house; he doesn’t know these new people after all. He doesn’t know how lightly he needs to tread to avoid getting hurt, but he’s too excited to let a little thing like caution keep him from finally finding someone who loves him. Someone who wants him.
Andrew follows the shadow down the stairs, jumping over the creaky third stair from the bottom that he noticed when he moved in the day before. He barely notices when he lands on another creaky spot, one that he must have missed yesterday, too caught up in his current excitement.
He almost makes it to the door, his shadow slipping through it like it doesn’t exist, when a large hand grabs him by the back of his shirt, yanking him to a forceful stop.
That morning, Andrew learns that his new foster parents don't appreciate being woken up by little feet tramping through the house so early, especially not for such trivial things as soulmates.
~
Nathaniel Wesninski is four years old the first time his shadow leaves him.
He doesn’t notice, fast asleep in his little bed as he is, but his mother does. She pauses in her early morning task of putting away her son’s clothes, takes careful note of the date and time, and makes a mental note to make sure that neither Nathaniel nor his father ever have the chance to follow Nathaniel’s shadow to his soulmate, at least not on their birthday. One less thing for Nathan to hold over Nathaniel, and thus over Mary, the better.
~
Andrew Doe is seven years and two and a half months old the first time his shadow leaves him on a day other than his birthday.
He should be ecstatic. He hasn’t tried following his shadow on his own birthday again, knowing the attempt would likely end just as badly as his first one, if not more so, but he should at least be glad to know that he does, in fact, have someone out there made for him, and they’ve just turned six years old.
Instead, Andrew simply lays on his bed, tired and sore in places he shouldn’t be, as he watches his faint shadow slink up the wall and towards the lone window in his room. He can’t really bring himself to feel anything other than tired, despite it being the middle of the day.
His foster father has taken a special interest in him recently. Andrew doesn’t like it, not at all. Steven seems to really enjoy it, but it just leaves Andrew feeling sad and scared and confused and hurt. Sometimes, Steven tells Andrew that if he says please, he’ll stop. Andrew, desperate to get rid of the pain, pleads. He says it over and over, hoping that eventually Steven will listen. He hasn’t yet. Maybe he will next time, because Andrew knows there will be a next time. There always is, nowadays.
Everyone at school always talks about the monster under the bed, but no one ever said anything about monsters in the bed.
Andrew contemplates all of this while he lays on top of his freshly laundered sheets, on his stomach, and watches his shadow slip through the window, towards someone who is supposedly his other half.
He wonders if his other half has to deal with monsters too.
It takes a long time for his shadow to come back; almost two days, but Andrew is used to that by now. It always takes around two days for it to return.
He was foolish on his sixth birthday, he knows now. His soulmate was too far away for Andrew to follow his shadow all the way to them. It likely would have been moving far too fast for his little legs to keep up. If they were closer, maybe he would have a chance- he’s heard that the farther one is from their soulmate, the faster the shadows travel, and the closer they are, the slower- but given that it takes almost two whole days for his shadow to make it half the distance to his soulmate and back, Andrew thinks it’s unlikely that he’ll ever be able to follow it.
Andrew is alone when his shallow returns. It’s early in the morning, the sun not quite risen yet, but Andrew’s been awake since last night when Steven visited him again, unable to sleep with the fresh pain that accompanies his visits.
Andrew watches his shadow melt back into place underneath him, barely visible in the dim glow of the street lights coming from beyond his curtains, and thinks that, after a month of it being rendered practically meaningless, Andrew is really starting to dislike the word “please.”
~
Nathaniel Wesninski is turning six years old when he sees his shadow leave him for the first time.
It’s not the first time he’s been without his shadow, he knows. A few months ago he noticed it was missing while he sat on the bench at a little league exy game. He hadn’t noticed when it left, but the next day, it had come back, so Nathaniel didn’t think much of it at the time, too caught up in the game.
Now, though, he watches from the bathtub, suds in his hair, as his shadow moves all on its own and heads for the locked door of the bathroom, slipping under the crack and away. He looks to his mom, sitting on the toilet lid beside him, to see if she had noticed it too, and sees her staring after it, lips drawn to a thin, tight line.
“Mom?” He asks, eyes wide but voice soft. “Where’s my shadow going?”
His mom’s eyes snap to him suddenly, a fierce light behind her gaze that makes Nathaniel want to shrink away from her.
“Don’t ask me that ever again.” She tells him, quietly. Urgently. “Don’t ask anyone, and never let your father see it happen.” Nathaniel nods frantically, knowing what that tone of voice meant. His mom only used that voice when she told him important rules, like to keep his head down around his father, keep quiet when the policemen came to the house, and to never disobey his father, because it would only hurt worse in the end.
“This will keep happening,” she continues, “every year at this time on your birthday. You need to make sure your father cannot see you when it does.”
Nathaniel wants to ask about the other time, about two months ago, when his shadow was gone, but the fear in his mom’s voice scares him, so he only asks, “When will it be back?”
His mom runs a hand over his wet hair, dislodging the suds, and sighs softly. “Hopefully not for a long time.”
~
Andrew Doe is thirteen years old when someone else notices his shadow leaving him.
Drake is just the next in a too-long list of people who have taken what they wanted from Andrew, regardless of what he wants. It’s afternoon, two and a half months after Andrew’s thirteenth birthday, and Andrew is sitting on his bed with his arms wrapped around his knees, long sleeves firmly pulled all the way down, lost in a haze, trying to ignore Drake as he walks around his room explaining that Cass left for the store and maybe we should take advantage of the empty house until she gets back.
Andrew only looks up when Drake falls quiet. Drake isn’t usually very quiet. He likes to taunt and brag and tease, so him falling quiet could be a bad sign. Andrew looks up just in time to see his shadow slip away, under the closed door of his room and out of sight.
He tenses. He had been so out of it the past few days, he hadn’t been keeping track of the date. How could he be so careless? All these years, Andrew had worked to make sure no one noticed when his shadow left him. This was the one thing he had for himself, the one thing that was his and no one else's. The knowledge of when his soulmate was born, the direction they’re in, how far he is from them- his shadow’s return time growing longer and longer as the years go on- has always been his, even when his life and body weren’t. And now, he doesn’t even have that. Now, Drake knows too.
So, when Drake proceeds to take advantage of their alone time and suggests following his shadow one day and inviting Andrew’s other half to join them, Andrew seriously considers digging the razor just that side of too deep into his arm that night to ensure that never happens.
When he gets news and a letter a few months later and another, similar suggestion is made, Andrew decides on a less permanent, yet just as effective course of action.
~
Abram is fifteen when he finally learns what it means when his shadow leaves him.
It’s January and he’s at school waiting for his mom to pick him up, and some girl has cornered him on a bench beside the building, just out of sight of the main road. She’s talking about something that Abram can’t bring himself to pay attention to. He just knows he needs to get rid of her before his mom comes.
He’s about to give some polite, bland excuse, when something she says finally catches his attention.
“Oh, your shadow’s gone.”
This once sentence wipes all other thoughts from his mind. In his silence, she continues.
“Have you ever tried following it? I tried once, when I was younger, but it was too fast and I couldn’t keep up.”
And Abram, he wars with himself a bit. Because his mother warned him not to ask about his shadow, and he hasn’t, not since that day all those years ago, but this is the perfect opportunity to learn what it means without his mother knowing. And he wants to know. He really really does, because he can feel that it’s important. He doesn’t know how, but he just knows that it means something.
In the end, his curiosity wins out. He asks her what it means, and after a disbelieving giggle, because everyone knows, silly, she tells him. She explains soulmates and runaway shadows, meeting in the middle and joining hands. And by the end of that conversation, he’s left with new knowledge and a sticky kiss, one of which he likes much more than the other.
A soulmate. Someone who was made just for him. Someone destined to fit his every ragged edge and see his scars and his past and still want him anyway. It can’t be real. And yet, when he looks down, there is no shadow to be found.
When his mom comes a few minutes after the girl leaves, he can’t hide the residue the girl’s sticky lip-gloss left on his mouth, but he does hide his new knowledge from her. He can’t let her know that he now knows what she was trying to keep from him.
It’s the first secret he’s ever kept from his mom, the information he gained in exchange for an unsatisfying kiss that his mom now loathes him for, but the beating is well worth it.
~
Andrew Minyard is seventeen years old when he learns that shadows can be useful for more than just finding your soulmate.
Andrew and his long lost twin Aaron have only lived with their overenthusiastic cousin, Nicky Hemmick, for a few months by the time they turn seventeen. A few days before, a one sided argument had broken out when Nicky jokingly referred to Andrew as the older twin. Aaron had protested vehemently, but had taken Andrew’s stony silence as a challenge and demanded they all gather together the morning of their birthday to see whose shadow left first. Andrew only went along with it because he was just the slightest bit curious as well.
So, the three of them are sitting in the living room, Nicky half asleep and Aaron staring down at their shadows intensely. Both Andrew and Aaron are holding their hands under a flashlight so that the departure of their shadows will be impossible to miss.
Andrew keeps an eye on the clock, having long since memorized the exact time his shadow leaves him. When the time comes, his shadow leaves Aaron’s behind in the little beam of light and slips through the front door.
Andrew ignores Aaron’s cry of outrage and Nicky’s laughter in favor of taking his hand back. They only have to wait a few more minutes for Aaron’s to leave as well, then Andrew heads back up to his room to get more sleep, only the tiniest big smug at the morning’s revelation.
Despite leaving second, Aaron’s shadow returns before Andrew’s does. It comes back the next afternoon, slinking back into place almost unnoticed, if only Aaron hadn’t been keeping extra close attention for its return so that he could determine the approximate distance between him and his soulmate.
Andrew really isn’t expecting his shadow back any time soon. The time it takes for it to return has varied over the years. The longest it’s taken so far is almost five days, so Andrew isn’t going to hold his breath waiting for it to come back. That’s why, when his shadow returns a little under two days after it left, taking almost the exact same amount of time it used to take when he was younger, Andrew is taken a bit off guard. His soulmate is close, closer than they’ve been in a long time, and Andrew isn’t sure how to feel about that, so he decides not to. He shuts down his potential emotions before they have time to blossom into something as fragile and nonsensical as hope, and he shoves them away as inconsequential.
After all, no matter what the fairy tales say, Andrew has been broken too many times for anyone to really want him.
~
Neil Josten is seventeen the first time he considers following his shadow.
It’s November, his mother is dead, and Neil is alone in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, with no ties keeping him there. Really, the only thing that stops him from attempting to follow his shadow is the knowledge that he would be putting his soulmate in danger, and the last thing he wants is for yet another person to get killed because of him.
So, he stays put and watches as his shadow leaves him, alone on the ground in a crumbling house. When it’s out of sight, he turns to the side and picks up his exy how-to books. He’s mostly using them as a cover in school, but it won’t hurt to brush up on a few things.
Exy, he’s decided, is the safer danger to indulge in.
~
Andrew Minyard is nineteen when he learns that some of the Foxes genuinely thought he didn't have a soulmate.
When Andrew walks into the locker room the morning of his nineteenth birthday, shadow nowhere to be seen, too many of his “teammates” are much too surprised at its absence, mainly the seniors.
No one is surprised that he and Renee aren’t soulmates. Most people don’t take soulmates into consideration when forming relationships, but it’s oh so obvious that the team, the other girls in particular, are relieved when Renee’s shadow stays firmly fixed to her while Andrew’s is gone.
For the rest of the day, comments like, “who could possibly love him,” and, “imagine how awful someone would have to be to be his soulmate,” float around, and Andrew, in his drugged state, can only laugh.
Who indeed? Who else could be so messed up that the universe decided to pair them with him?
Who indeed?
~
Neil Josten is eighteen when his shadow returns faster than it ever has before.
Neil wakes up in his dorm Saturday morning, Matt sleeping peacefully on the bunk underneath him, and decides to go for an early morning run. His shadow is still beside him, not having left yet, but it’s still early. Neil expects it to leave sometime during his run.
He’s right. He doesn’t see the exact moment it leaves, but he’s unsurprised when he looks down while he’s taking a break and finds it absent.
He is surprised, however, when it returns to him on his way back to the dorm. His shadow has never come back so fast. It always takes at least a day and a half to make its way back to him, usually more, yet here it is. Does that mean his soulmate is in state? On campus? Are they really that close?
Neil staggers and almost trips over himself when these realizations hit him, and he has to stop for a minute to catch his breath.
In the end, it doesn’t matter. Neil is still a danger to them, so he can’t go looking. He can’t bring his danger to an unsuspecting person like that. They didn’t choose him, and he won’t make them.
The significance of the date and time only hits him later that afternoon, when Nicky barges into his and Matt’s room asking for help and reminds Neil that it is, in fact, the twins’ birthday.
Neil freezes for a moment, mind whirring as Matt and Nicky talk. Is it possible that… no. It can’t be. It has to be a coincidence. Aaron and Neil can’t be more different, and besides, he has Katelyn already. And Andrew, well… Andrew hates Neil. He’s made that very clear, so there is no way it’s him either, right? No. It’s just a coincidence, that’s all.
Neil agrees to help Nicky out both because he understands the longing Nicky feels to see his mother and because he needs to confirm to himself that neither of the twins are his soulmate.
When Neil enters the cousins’ room, he sees Aaron first, lounging on a beanbag, shadow firmly in place beneath him. This isn’t surprising. Neil has a strong suspicion that Katelyn is Aaron’s soulmate. After all, why else would Aaron try so hard and risk Andrew’s wrath to keep seeing her?
Then his eyes move past Kevin to Andrew, sitting on a desk by the window, shadow also solidly fixed under him. This… is more troubling, but for all Neil knows, maybe Andrew’s soulmate is close and on campus too. Maybe the twins’ times of birth haven't even passed yet, and so their shadows still haven’t left.
Neil forcefully chalks it all up to a coincidence in his mind and does what he went in there to do.
Still though, even with his mind made up, Neil can’t help the glances he throws Andrew’s shadow throughout their conversation.
~
Andrew Minyard is twenty years old when his shadow takes all of ten minutes to return to him.
Again.
Andrew’s not an idiot. He knows what this means. His soulmate is clearly on campus, but after the past few months and with what he knows the next few months have in store for him, Andrew doesn’t even need the excuse his class provides to be convinced not to follow his shadow.
He’s not stalling. He’s not avoiding. He’s simply being practical.
He has no interest in this person that the universe decided is supposedly perfect for him. He doesn’t care what fate says. He’d much rather observe and judge a person for himself and make his own decision.
So, he stays in his chair in his class, he notes when his shadow leaves and when it returns, and then he puts the whole situation out of his mind.
At least until the game and the blood and the message on the wall and the realization that January nineteenth, the day that his shadow has been leaving him for years, also happens to be Neil Josten’s birthday.
And for a second, just a second, Andrew thinks that maybe-
No. No. It’s not possible. Neil already has his shadow back, or maybe he still has his shadow, but that could mean anything. He could have been born late at night. His soulmate could be any one of the thousands of other students attending this university. It means nothing.
Still, that doesn’t stop Andrew from pausing everything to go pick him up the next day. It doesn’t stop him from kissing him the next day. And then again later. And again and again and more. It doesn’t stop Andrew from choosing Neil.
It’s just a coincidence, Neil and his soulmate’s birthdays being the same day.
It means nothing.
~
Neil Abram Josten is nineteen when he finally decides to follow his shadow.
It’s Andrew’s birthday. He wakes up early for a run, like always, only this time he leaves even earlier than usual to ensure he has time to run by the little on-campus convenience store in order to pick up a few of Andrew’s favorite chocolate bars.
It’s still mostly dark when he leaves the building, the sun only just starting to hint at its rise, but that just means he’ll have plenty of time.
He’s on his way back to the dorm, sun beginning to rise in the sky and a plastic grocery bag swinging from the crook of his arm, when his shadow starts to move ahead of him. He hardly thinks about it- he follows.
Picking up his pace, Neil follows the shadow right back to the dorm building and up, up, up the stairs. It’s hardly visible in the dim stairway lighting, but that’s okay. It leads him right where he thought it would, where he knew it would, to the roof. After all, where else would it take him, besides maybe his dorm room?
His shadow slips through the closed door, but Neil pauses, taking only a moment to catch his breath.
Only a moment, though, because he doesn’t want to miss what he knows is going to happen next.
Slowly, Neil opens the door to the roof. Immediately, the smell of cigarette smoke reaches his nose, and something inside him slots neatly into place. Neil breathes it in as he steps forward and gently closes the door behind him, eyes glued to the ground in search of his wayward shadow.
It’s there, only a few feet away from him, holding hands with another, slightly shorter shadow.
Seeing them there, together, it feels good. It feels right, and Neil isn’t sure how he ever managed to doubt this. To doubt them.
The two shadows hold each other for another few seconds before disconnecting and sliding back to their owners. In the rising sun, Neil follows his soulmate’s shadow back to its source, to the edge of the roof, and locks eyes with Andrew.
Neil smiles.
~
Andrew Minyard is twenty one years old when his shadow doesn’t leave him for the first time since he was six years old.
It’s January. He’s sitting on the roof, Neil close beside him, hands to themselves. They’re quiet. They both have classes, but they’ve deemed this a more important occasion. Andrew checks his watch, then shows it to Neil.
It's time.
They both look down between them as their shadows stay put, except for the dark hands that reach out and join in the middle like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
Looking up at Neil, Andrew finds Neil extending his own hand, an offering. Andrew reaches out and takes it. It’s the most natural thing in the world.
For the first time in fifteen years, after their shadows join hands, they don’t let go for a long, long time.