Chapter Text
22nd September, 2016
"Rin," Haru's voice wavers, gasping for breath. Drowning.
He's met with only silence. Always silence.
"I'm sorry."
14th January, 2017
"Rin. I couldn't. I can't. I don't know - " he cuts himself off.
His fingers shake, tremble into an uncontrollable flail and the phone crashes to the floor. He throws his arm up, cradling his head and sinks into a crouch, body wracked with tears.
2nd August, 2017
The line is dead. Haru shouldn't even bother. He knows it's dead. Today, even the silence is all he needs.
March, 2018
"Rin... Rin... Rin..."
October, 2018
"I hope it's warm, where you are. It's cold here. I'm always cold now."
The blanket falls from his shoulders when he sets the phone back on the table, but he doesn't try to pull it back.
February, 2019
Haru mindlessly inputs the number to the contacts on his new phone, even as he knows he'll regret it. Wouldn't it just be something, a sign of some kind, if all he really needed was a new phone?
No such luck.
"Makoto says your birthday's coming up. I hope you get what you want."
Summer, 2019
"If I'd..." Haru starts, clenching his fist to steel himself, unkempt nails digging into his palm. "I just wish you'd turned around."
Winter, 2019
The tears stream down his face, back against the wall, squeezing the phone so hard he knows he'll get blisters.
"Why don't you care, Rin?! I thought we were a team!"
Spring, 2020
Makoto greets him as always, soft hand cupping his cheek until he obligingly opens his eyes to see his morning smile, and then the touch is lost while he opens up Haru's curtains.
"Come on. I'm a bit late today," Makoto says softly, wedging open the door with the stop he bought and leaving Haru alone to get out of bed. "I'll start your bath."
Haru nods, succumbing to the routine and bringing his legs over the side of the bed, getting up onto useless legs that always resist. He's always so sore, always aching, and the warm water of his tub doesn't help the way he wants it to. Worn boxers fall neatly into his hamper and he grabs yesterdays towel from over his wardrobe door. It smells too flowery for his liking, whatever wash powder or conditioner he let Makoto throw into the cart the last time they went shopping. He makes a mental note to change it, next time.
The taps are running but Makoto isn't there when he gets to the bathroom, and climbs into the tub while it's still filling, impatient to be warm again. He sinks down, wedging himself to the bottom to feel the water lap over his shoulders, and it sends a tingle of pleasure he needs more of. But he can't get it, because the next thing he knows the water is lapping at his cheeks, daring to cover his nose and mouth. He'd be warm forever, until he went cold.
Makoto turns off the taps anyway.
"There's soup in the microwave, and some rice in the fridge. You know I'd stay for breakfast, but I have a meeting first thing. I should have left five minutes ago."
Haru blinks up at him, slowly acknowledging, and finally something clicks into place in his head. "Your lunch?"
"I'll just have to find a vending machine," Makoto says, like it's no big deal, gently squeezing Haru's shoulder as he stands up out of his crouch. "But," his tone lightens, big smile cracking, "I get off early. It's Friday today. Remember that Nagisa is coming over, and we're gonna order in some pizza. The qualifying races are today... you don't mind watching them on catch-up with us after work, do you?"
Haru shakes his head, digging his nails into his thighs where Makoto can't see.
He can't even make his best friend a sandwich.
The bathroom door closes and the water swallows his tears.
Haru finds himself sitting closer to Makoto than he usually agrees to. It's gone dark, he's got dressed, and there's an empty bowl on the table so he's done... something today. Nagisa is stretched out comfortably on his other side, foot occasionally brushing at his thigh which explains why he's shuffled so close to his other friend. The pizza box in his lap is uncomfortably hot and greasy. Makoto nudges him and he takes another slice.
The TV is too loud but Haru can't be bothered to complain. He just stares, waiting for that flash of red, that glint of teeth, and his eyes can't stop following him through the masses of people in the crowds. What if Rin looked int the camera and saw him... what would he do? Smile? Wave? Or stare...? Stare and turn away... Haru presses his lips into a thin line and Rin takes to the starting block.
The way he swims hasn't changed. Has never changed. But he's stronger, faster, better than Haru can recall and he leans forward after they make the turn. His heart thumps in his chest as they get closer and closer, his whole body throwing itself into the motions as if it's him racing. He breathes a sigh of relief when Rin his the wall and throws his head back with a grin, checking the board just to make sure he's won and then hauling himself out to the cheers of the crowd.
Haru sits back, satisfied and content to let the other races pan out without his knowledge. He tunes in just slightly to see a similar performance in the butterfly, but he can't even pretend to care about that anymore.
The camera cuts to the wall of showers off to the side of the pool for rinsing down, making a beeline for Rin and zooming in on his grin. Haru feels the corner of his mouth quirk up along with it, but it drops as soon as the camera moves.
Rin is caught again as he goes over to his coach - same guy, bit greyer, probably deserves it - and the side of a blonde woman's face joins him on screen, mic in hand.
"Matsuoka Rin!" she trills, mirroring Rin's smile, "How does it feel to know you're going to your second Olympics?"
"Great, really great," Rin's voice fills Haru's head. It's everything he remembers, everything he wants... needs.
"Do you think you'll be able to pull off a hat-trick in your individual races this time? Finally make up for that silver in Rio."
Makoto inhales sharply next to him.
"It's all about the competition on the day," Rin says. Haru senses fluster but he's always professional. "Everyone is so talented. You win what you work for. You win what you deserve."
Something twists inside Haru's chest. Like a healing wound being squeezed, seeping out a fresh drop of blood.
"You train in California now. Do you find it gives you an advantage over those who remain in Japan?" the interviewer continues.
"Uh... Outdoor pools, I guess," Rin shrugs. He's nervous, Haru can feel it from here. "And just... getting away."
Yeah. Rin does a lot of that.
"And what of your former teammate, Nanase Haruka, are you still close? It's a shame we haven't seen him since Rio."
Rin's eyes glance to the camera and Haru feels them, feels the stare he knows was coming. He waits for the turn.
Makoto moves next to him.
"Oh... Haru... Well - "
"BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! BUY TWO NOW AND SAVE ON SHIPPING!"
Makoto turns to Haru, controller in hand, other hand reaching out.
But Haru is gone.