Work Text:
Remus was having a reasonably bad morning… evening… night? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he woke up to the most pain he’d felt after a full moon in months. The nerves in Remus’s body felt like they had been on fire for hours, and every twitch of his muscle sent more pain coursing through him. It was only when Madam Pomfrey gave him some potions and the pain diminished that Remus noticed none of his friends were present. The realization of the severity of his wounds and the fact that his friends were illegal animagi made Remus feel ill. His mind supplied him with endless scenarios that could’ve happened, leading to the absence of the missing Marauders, and none of them filled Remus with any hope.
“Poppy?” Remus spoke up after an hour of anxiously waiting for his friends to arrive.
“Yes, dear?” Poppy replied, looking up from where she was cleaning off a table.
“Where are James, Sirius, and Peter?” Remus frowned, his gaze locked onto the hospital wing door, wishing they would just appear. “They are okay… right?”
Remus frowned as Madam Pomfrey took slightly too long to reply, as if she were hesitating. “Don’t you worry, Remus, they are all just fine. I’m sure it won’t be too long before they arrive.”
Remus hated just how unsure the healer sounded, and it did nothing to ease his worries. Now he was certain something bad had occurred “Something happened. What happened? Did I hurt someone? Did I hurt one of my friends?”
Madam Pomfrey quickly walked over to Remus, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Remus, breathe. You didn’t hurt anyone, I promise.”
Remus took a deep breath and slowly nodded, “Then what happened? I know something happened. I can tell.”
“Remus–” Madam Pomfrey was cut off from answering as the hospital wing doors swung open, and James quickly rushed in with Peter right behind him.
The bespectacled boy smiled softly at Remus as he approached him. Whilst Remus was grateful to see James and Peter unharmed, the dark eyebags and tension the two carried weren’t all that promising – once again confirming that something bad had happened. Remus also found it troublesome that Sirius wasn’t there. The boy never failed to visit Remus in the hospital.
“It’s great to finally see you awake, Moony.” James sighed as sat at the foot of the bed. “How are you feeling?”
“Pretty awful.”
James nodded solemnly. “Sorry, mate.”
“Where’s Sirius?” Remus asked, deciding he waited long enough for him to show up.
Remus wasn’t quite sure about what he was expecting, but the pure rage that encompassed James’s eyes was not it. Behind James, Peter began to fidget anxiously as James took a few deep, steadying breaths.
“James?”
“Sirius is on his way. I’m sorry, Remus, but you need to hear it from him.”
“So something did happen?” Remus sat up a little straighter, ignoring the pain that ignited at the minor movements. “What? James, I need to know! Did I hurt Sirius?”
“Remus…” James frowned, glancing at the door as it slowly opened and the last marauder nervously entered with McGonagall behind him. “Sirius will tell you.”
“Mr. Lupin.” Professor McGonagall greeted, “How are you feeling.”
“Quite tired of being left in the dark.” Remus snarkily replied, wincing as he let his temper get the better of him. “Sorry, professor, I just really need to know what happened. What did I do?”
“I assure you, Mr. Lupin, that you did nothing wrong. But, some events occurred the night of the full moon that you have every right to know of.” McGonagall replied before giving Sirius a pointed look.
With all the attention on the former Black Heir, Remus finally got to take a closer look at the boy, and he looked horrible. Remus could tell by the redness of Sirius’s eyes that he had been crying. Sirius was also stubbornly looking straight past Remus, refusing to make eye contact with anyone in the room. His hands were shaking, and Remus could almost swear that Sirius looked afraid. Remus glanced at James, once again shocked to see the rage in the boy’s eyes. Rage that was directed at Sirius – his brother, his partner in crime. Remus had never once seen this kind of anger in James before, and it was all directed at the one person Remus thought James couldn’t get angry at.
“I’m so sorry, Moony,” Sirius whispered. What? He was sorry? “I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t –”
“Tell him what you did, Sirius!” James snapped, his fist clenched tightly at his side.
“I…” Sirius paused, rubbing at his arm anxiously. “I told Sniv-Snape how to get past the whomping willow.”
Oh. Remus felt his blood run cold as pieces of the puzzle slowly slotted together. Oh. No. This couldn’t be true. No, it… Sirius wouldn’t.
“What?” Remus asked, his hands beginning to shake. “I don’t understand.”
“Sirius told Snape how to get past the Willow the night of the full moon. I barely got there in time to pull him out of the tunnel.” James started filling in the pieces. “No one got hurt, but Snape did see you transformed. Snape won’t tell anyone. Professor Dumbledore made him promise.”
Remus’s breath hitched as stared at Sirius. He told Snape. Snape knew. Remus felt tears slowly gather in his eyes as he realized that this was what betrayal felt like. His heart was pounding whilst cracks spread along it. Anguish filled his chest, and the pressure was unbearable.
“Why?” Remus asked, his voice cracking.
“I-I… I don’t. It just -” Sirius stammered as he stood there shaking. “I don’t have an excuse or an explanation. Nothing is good enough. I just… it– I’m so sorry.”
Sirius didn’t even have an excuse. So why? Was it some sick joke? A prank? Did Sirius just want to scare Snape, or was he actually trying to harm the Slytherin? All the unknowns were overwhelming, filling him with dread, and Remus finally allowed his tears to fall.
“Get out,” Remus whispered as anger slowly began to build. Sirius visibly hesitated, irritating Remus. “Now, Black! I don’t want to see you! Get. Out.”
Remus watched in silence as Professor McGonagall guided Sirius away from him. His head of house said something to Remus about resting, but he wasn’t listening. Truthfully, Remus couldn’t hear anything outside of his spiraling thoughts. He thought he could trust Sirius. Sirius vowed to him time and time again that he would keep Remus’s secret. Sirius was the one who proposed the idea to become animagi to help Remus every full moon. Sirius was the one who continuously reassured Remus that he wasn’t a monster – that the wolf didn’t make him any less human.
So why?
Sirius preached nonstop about how ridiculous pureblood ideology was. He rejected his family over and over and over again, to the point that they disowned him. Sirius no longer talks to his own brother because of the differences in their beliefs. Sirius rejected and expressed genuine hatred for the Black blood flowing through his veins.
So why?
Why was it Sirius, the boy Remus loved dearly, that put him and another student in danger? Why was it Sirius who told a student who hated them how to get to the shrieking shack? Why was it Sirius – hot-headed, funny, loveable, troublesome Sirius – who betrayed and used Remus?
Why was it Sirius who acted like the very thing he swore never to become and turned Remus into the very thing he feared? Sirius became a Black his parents would have been proud of, and Remus… Remus became the monster he always was. But he felt that he also became a tool, a weapon to be used to terrorize others.
With a shattered heart, Remus looked over at James and Peter and shook his head. “Please leave. I would like to be alone for a few.”
James reluctantly nodded and stood up, pulling Peter with him. “Alright, Moony. Just remember that we are here for you, okay? However you want to go about things moving forward, we will stand beside you, mate.”
Remus nodded and lifted a hand to wipe away his tears. “Thank you, Prongs. I just need time to my thoughts right now.”
Remus watched as James and Peter left the hospital wing and slumped against his pillow once the door shut. With a shuttered breath, Remus turned on his side, doing his best not to aggravate his wounds. Tears slowly cascaded down Remus’s face. He didn’t know how he could go forward. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to look at Sirius the same. Remus loved Sirius but didn’t think he could ever forgive the boy.
Remus sobbed as Madam Pomfrey adjusted the blankets over him and rubbed his shoulder. “Get some sleep, Remus, dear. You need it. Things will be okay; just rest now.”
He truly was having an awful day; now, his heart and soul were beaten and broken along with his ailing body.