Work Text:
The first time Remus Lupin coughed up petals was when Sirius Black came back to Gryffindor Tower nervously excited to tell them about his first kiss. With Mary MacDonald. A sweet girl. Who wasn't Remus.
It was the end of second year and Remus hadn't realized that the butterflies that filled his stomach when Sirius looked at him were, in fact, love. Not until he felt his heart squeezing in on itself.
He had a coughing fit, and managed to hide the white petal in his hand. He went to Madam Pomfrey, who he trusted after nearly two years of full moons. She explained what it was.
Hopefully it would go away. At his age, it was often puppy love and he would likely move on. Remus nodded, although secretly he couldn't imagine not loving Sirius Black.
—
The one good thing about being a werewolf.
The transformations destroyed the flowers. Completely. He would wake the morning after a full moon with an aching, bloody body and clear lungs. By the end of the month he would be coughing up petals, but it would never get bad enough to kill him.
Not unless Sirius outright rejected him.
He could live a long, long life of loving Sirius as his heart silently broke.
Wasn't he lucky?
—
The first time Sirius Black coughed up petals was when he saw Remus Lupin and Benjy fucking Fenwick walking hand in hand from the library. It was the start of fourth year and Benjy was everything Sirius wasn't. He was responsible and studious and had a normal, healthy family with parents who loved him and probably didn't wake screaming with night terrors.
Remus wouldn't have to shake Benjy awake, hold him and soothe him. Not the way he had to for Sirius. No wonder Remus chose him.
It felt like his heart lodged itself in his throat and he found himself coughing. Tiny, white petals fluttered into his hand.
Shit.
—
Sirius was able to hide it for a year. Which wasn't too bad, considering how close the Marauders were. But he finally had a coughing fit bad enough that some of the tiny, pink petals fluttered away and James and Peter and Remus saw.
Remus was the first one to realize. Which didn't surprise Sirius because Remus was observant like that. Somehow he knew to bring Sirius tea with honey to ease his throat. Asked a house elf to bring more pillows so Sirius could prop himself up at night, which helped his breathing and lessened the coughing fits.
It was tender and unbearable and Remus looked over his face with wide, beautiful eyes like honey and said, “You're the most lovable person I know, Sirius, they have to love you back.”
Sirius would have laughed at the irony if he weren't coughing so hard.
—
When they discovered Remus’s furry little problem, James Potter had wondered about the potential dangers. Not often, not seriously enough. At the time he had been twelve, after all. But sometimes, it would come to mind. What protections did Remus have? Were they enough? Was Remus safe? Could his friends be doing more?
As he ran to the Whomping Willow that fateful night, he cursed himself for not acting on those thoughts.
Maybe he could have prevented this.
For now, the best he could do was stop a true catastrophe. He made it in time. He grabbed Snape by the arm, sent out some curses and a shield charm to keep the wolf at bay, and ran.
—
James was the one to tell Remus what had happened. It seemed like the right thing to do.
“Sirius… Sirius did that…?” he had asked, hoarse, his voice so broken and James only nodded helplessly.
Thankfully they were in the Hospital Wing, because Remus had lurched to the side and began hacking up dog roses and thorns and blood.
Madam Pomfrey was on him in an instant. There wasn't much time. James was numb.
—
“Sirius.”
He wanted to ignore the voice, burrow deeper into his covers.
Sirius knew he fucked up. He knew it when the words came out of his mouth, spat out with venom and blood and bloody lupins. Stupid little bell like flowers and Snape had picked the wrong time to heckle him and the words were out and he couldn't put them back in.
He was running out of time. He had weeks, if he was lucky. His friends didn't realize how far it had gotten since he'd hidden it for a damn year. They thought he had time, that they could ease him into the idea of forgetting his beloved. As if he could ever bear the thought of forgetting Remus.
Every breath was torture.
Now, he had finally done it. Remus would come out of the Hospital Wing and look at him with such revulsion that it would kill him and Sirius was just waiting for the blow.
“You told him?” Sirius asked, sitting up on his bed, facing James, doing his best to take it.
James… looked completely unlike himself. Grave, somber, still. Usually James was boundless energy, but he stood there as if he were carved from granite.
“Remus has Hanahaki,” James said.
“What? Since when?” His heart beat in his chest - why would Remus hide this? How did they not notice?
“Second year.”
“That's… that’s not possible… it would have killed him…”
James shook his head, laughed bitterly, “The transformations destroy the flowers. Every month he starts with a blank slate.”
Something lodged in Sirius’s chest. For once, it wasn't flowers. It was a sickening realization.
“As soon as I told him what you did, he started hacking up flowers and thorns.” James wasn't looking at him.
Sirius sucked in a breath. It came too easily.
“He doesn't have time. He has to get the procedure,” James sounded broken, now, but Sirius couldn't focus on that.
“No–” No no no no no no no. He couldn't– not – no –
“He's going to forget you, Sirius.”
He ran. Bare feet slamming against cold, hard stone. As fast as his legs could carry him. His lungs finally filling with air, burning from the exertion, until he was throwing open the Hospital Wing doors.
“Mr Black–!” Madam Pomfrey objected, looking shocked and more than a bit angry. She knew what Sirius had done, he probably deserved that. He ignored her, eyes scanning for the screens that would be blocking Remus’s bed, hurtling towards them.
He was panting, gasping for breath, shaking, “Moony– please.”
Remus stared at him, and Sirius's head was too dizzy to interpret the look, or maybe he was just protecting himself.
“I love you,” Sirius wheezed, “I'm sorry,” still panting. Fuck. Shouldn't have run. “Please, please don't forget me.”
“Sirius…” Remus said, and Sirius couldn't interpret the tone. There wasn't time.
“I fucked up so bad, Moony, I know,” he was now clutching his cramping side, sagging against the bed, “I'm sorry. I hated-” a few wheezy breaths.
“Sirius–” The tone was more firm and Sirius waved it off, he had to say this.
“I hated myself– as soon as I said it – I told James –” he was shaking, finally looking into Remus’s face. His expression was guarded, eyebrows furrowed, lips pressed together. “I've loved you for years, and it was killing me, and I'm so fucking sorry, Moony, but please, please don't forget me - I need you.”
Remus sucked in a breath. Sirius’s heart fluttered as he listened to the sound - it wasn't rattling or blocked. Not like the struggle Sirius had been dealing with for the last few months as his own condition had worsened.
“You love me?” he repeated.
“I've been coughing up lupins since fourth year,” Sirius said with a small, lopsided, nervous smile.
“Dog roses since second,” Remus said, sinking back into his pillow, chuckling softly.
“I'm so fucking sorry, Moony,” Sirius said, taking his hand, squeezing it. Remus squeezed back, then pat the bed next to him, gesturing for Sirius to lay down beside him.
“You really fucked up, Pads.”
Sirius nodded, gingerly laying down so he wasn't on anything sore, curling up as close to Remus as he could manage. “I couldn't bring myself to forget you, Moony, I thought I was going to die.”
“I couldn't, either. Even… even after what you did. I didn't want to live without knowing you,” Remus whispered into his hair.
“I love you,” Sirius mumbled against his chest, “I don't care if you hate me, I deserve it, but I can't stand the thought of you forgetting me.”
“I love you, too, Pads,” Remus said, “I… I think I might hate you, right now, for what you did, but I can't imagine not loving you.”