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The pros far outweighed the cons. Dex knew that even making a list would be pointless, because he would be essentially writing on one side of the paper. Also, he didn’t have paper, he would have to borrow a sheet from Nursey, and writing anything in the cons column after that would make him feel incredibly guilty. And despite being Catholic, he wasn’t really used to the feeling.
God, it was just so good, lying in the morning with Nursey against his back, warm and solid and comforting, with an arm thrown carelessly over Will. Everything about Nursey - despite his stupid catchphrase - was warm and comforting, from his smile to that stupid beanie that Will kept tucked inside his bag for windy days - his hugs, the way he held Dex’s hand, his voice, everything.
So it didn’t make sense for his stomach to get that heavy feeling every time he thought about the future, every time Nursey showed him some gorgeous, foggy picture on Instagram with a casual “Wanna go there this summer?”, every time he laid back, sweaty and sticky from whatever Nursey had done to him, and tried not to breathe too loudly.
But there were a lot of things that didn’t make sense in this world. And really, it wasn’t too difficult to silence his internal arguments when he had his hands wound up in Nursey’s hair, tugging as Nursey tracked open-mouthed kisses down Dex’s neck.
They hadn’t told anyone. He’d made Nursey promise, and Nursey, for once, hadn’t told him to chill, hadn’t looked at Will’s reddened face with anything but genuine sincerity, hadn’t said a word. He had taken Will’s index finger and brought it to his own chest, making a crossing motion against the warm skin, leaving his hand there, leaving Will to feel Nursey’s slow, steady heartbeat. And Will, shocked and warmed by the childish gesture, had ducked his head and shut his eyes and might have thanked Derek Nurse but would, of course, never admit such a thing.
Of course, he probably should have. Thanked Nursey. Multiple times, probably on his knees. But that was the thing - he hadn’t ever done this before, and he knew that that in itself was hard enough. And here he was - sneaking around with his teammate, probably his best friend, fucking quietly, not even sure of what they were doing.
Oh, and also - Will had lost his virginity to a guy. And not just any guy - Derek fucking Nursey, with the gorgeous eyes and fucking hot tattoo sleeve-in-progress and soft mouth and the chill attitude who didn’t sit Dex down and demand to DTR even though they should, who was such a giver in bed that Will thought he would genuinely explode -
He didn’t deserve Nursey.
And yet he didn’t say anything, he let Nursey trail his hands up and down Will’s arms, he let Nursey part his legs and settle between them with a groan while Will stared up at the ceiling, pants and groans slowly dissolving into tiny, pained whimpers. He let Nursey kiss him, mouth bitter and hot, and he let Nursey fall asleep with his hand on Will’s chest.
Not that he didn’t want it - god, he did, so badly. But it wasn’t right - he was taking advantage of Nursey, he was floundering and falling, and god, he really just wanted sort this out before it became a blister and hurt every time he tried to go somewhere new.
So he really shouldn’t have been surprised when Derek asked him to meet for coffee. It was at some small, hipstery spot near the English building, a tiny place with a sagging roof and a very distinct odor. Will opened the door with trepidation, catching a glimpse of himself in the glass. His hair was mussed and his cheeks were blazing red from...the cold outside, not from crying in the shower, who even does that???
Dex sniffled (also from the cold outside) and asked for black coffee and sat down to wait. He felt, briefly, as if he was waiting for his executioner, and gripped the mug tighter when he saw that his hands had started to tremble slightly. He had his line ready - he was going to say “I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but it’s not that great.” and leave and that was going to be it. He was probably going to get a new D-partner, or - shit, what if Nursey told? Oh god. What if they kicked Will off, what if he couldn’t play anymore - what if he lost his scholarship?
Shit.
Shit.
A soft “Hey,” yanked him out of his thoughts. Nursey was sliding in across from him, a cup of tea tightly clutched in his mittened hands. He pulled his beanie off and set it on the table, and if he pushed it slightly towards Will, then it was surely his imagination. “Everything okay? You look worried.”
Dex inhaled deeply and opened his mouth to say something - I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore, I don’t know why I kissed you and it was a mistake and I’m so sorry for fucking around with you for this past week but I can’t do this, I can’t, and you deserve someone who isn’t ashamed of who they are, someone who will blow you back, someone who can actually chill and oh god please don’t tell anyone but fuck, you might actually be my best friend and I don’t want a new D-partner I want us to be Ransom and Holster in two years heck I want us to be them now, I want to hold your hand when we walk to practice but fuck I’m so scared I’m so - but nothing came out.
He made a strangled noise and pushed his chair back, barely registering Nursey’s questioning voice. The door felt heavier than it had earlier, and his feet began to drag on the pavement - all he wanted to do was run away, disappear into the half-melting snow because he matched, he was melting, his ears felt so hot he was sure they would burn off soon. He heard Nursey’s footsteps behind him, racing, and when he felt a fist curl in the side of his half-open coat he stumbled into the side of the English building.
“Dude, please,” Nursey panted. “What the hell, are you okay?”
Dex nodded, then shook his head, and thumped his head against the wall. He closed his eyes when Nursey halfheartedly punched him in the shoulder and slid down the wall with a whine, settling on a damp patch of sidewalk.
“What the fuck happened to you, man?” Nursey asked again, crouching down next to Dex. He curled his arm around Will and pulled him close. Nursey smelled like freshly-mowed grass and spearmint, somehow, even in the dead of winter, and Will almost laughed at this ridiculous boy.
“Dude I know this is new and all - it’s cool, I haven’t like...done anything like this and I...well, we’re good, aren’t we? We’re okay, we’ll do whatever we want and it doesn’t have to be anything with a name and we’re just, you know…” he trailed off, and Dex looked up at him hopefully.
“You’re not...like...mad?”
Nursey scrunched up his face and laughed. “Fuck man. I don’t do much more than hookups, like, ever, and I...well, I wanted to try this with you because, well, you know, you’re...you’re Dex and we...ice…”
Dex snorted. “Nursey, you’re majoring in words.”
“Shut the fuck up,” he muttered.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Dex felt his jeans get wetter and wetter by the second.
“I’m sorry I can’t blow you back.” Dex finally mumbled, clutching Nursey’s hand tightly. “I’m sorry, I just...this is new to me too, I haven’t done hookups before...and definitely not with a guy...so this is like...this is like triple new for me and you’re my D-man and I have to see you at practice at 6 am and I can’t look at you and get a boner because like...dude that’s fucking hard to handle and they say that the flexing muscle thing works but like it doesn’t because you’d think it would work if you’re fucking skating - “
Nursey started to laugh. His shoulders shook and he held Dex’s hand to his chest, where Dex could feel Nursey’s heart doing crazy things.
“Fuck man...fuck...I’d rather fucking have you like this than some stupid perfect relationship….dude I don’t mind any of this, I don’t mind...I don’t...I’d rather have this. I want this - I want to kiss you and buy you coffee and we don’t have to tell the team, we don’t have to tell anyone but I want...I want this.”
Dex nodded and exhaled. “Okay...yeah, okay.”
“This isn’t something to be ashamed of. I’m not ashamed of you and I don’t think anyone here will have a problem with it, and you know what - if they do, we’ll just ask Lardo to beat them up.” Nursey tilted his head back. “Okay?”
Dex cracked a smile. “Yeah. If it comes to that. Just...no kissing in public? PDA is like, the worst.”
“Oh, what, you mean like...like this,” Nursey kissed Dex’s cheek. “Or...this,” Another one, near his eye. “Or like this,” On his eyebrow.
Dex laughed. “Fuck you, man,”
Nursey looked up at him seriously. “Any time you’d like.”
“Dude...how are you okay with this?” Dex asked, completely curious and slightly nervous. “Like just…”
Nursey smiled and leaned his head against Dex’s shoulder. “I like you. I like you in a crazy way - I want to hold your hand and walk to classes with you, I want to kiss you, and I kinda want to fuck you someday, if that’s chill. I want us to wreck shit on the ice, I want us to be tight in all the ways possible and I’m okay with being lowkey about it - “
Dex kissed him then, a sweet, passionate kiss that he hoped could convey all the emotions swirling inside him right now, and he didn’t stop when Nursey moaned and tried to push him away halfheartedly even though he could feel that this was getting a little too intense and this was definitely the time but perhaps not the place -
“If you don’t quit now I will lose it.” Nursey grumbled, pulling away. Dex didn’t have the decency to look ashamed.
“Cool. Let’s get out of here.”
Nursey got up and extended an arm towards Dex to help him up, but the minute Dex grasped that still-warm wrist Nursey let go, snickering loudly when Dex landed on his ass on the wet patch.
“Dude.” Dex whined, staring pathetically up at Nursey. “You’re a big dick, you know that?”
Nursey smirked, helping Dex up properly. “You mean I have a big dick.”
“Well...I can’t really attest to that, can I?” Dex asked innocently, wrapping an arm around Nursey’s waist and pulling him in close, enjoying the sudden warmth against his side. He felt Nursey nuzzle at his neck.
“Would you like to?” his voice was warm and soft, and Dex shuddered. He slipped his hand further down until it was in Nursey’s back pocket, and enjoyed the way Nursey tightened his hold on Dex’s shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, I would. But like...maybe...maybe tomorrow.” Dex said quietly.
“Cool,” Nursey murmured, and kissed Dex’s cheek, steering them back. “I’ll pencil you in.”