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Soobin entered the house and sighed in relief at the warmth that greeted him. His sensitive body was bad at dealing with the cold, and his red and dry skin was proof of it.
He put his bag near the door and walked toward his room after taking off his shoes. His stomach grumbled with hunger, and his body desperately needed a hot shower, but he was so tired that all he wanted to do was take a long nap. Yet his steps stopped in front of Beomgyu’s room when he heard his roommate’s low voice, his fatigue pushed to the back of his mind.
He furrowed his brows. Beomgyu wasn’t supposed to be home for at least another two hours. Was there something wrong? He knocked softly on the door and waited for an answer.
“Beomgyu-yah?”
There was a shuffling before he heard his best friend’s voice. “Come in, hyung!”
When he opened the door, the sight of Beomgyu sprawled on his bed with his laptop on his lap greeted him. He looked okay, cheerful even, and it relieved the tension on Soobin’s shoulders. He leaned on the door and stared at Beomgyu.
“I thought you had classes?”
“They got canceled.” Beomgyu shrugged. “So I came home.”
Soobin nodded and stepped toward Beomgyu’s bed. “What are you doing, then?”
Beomgyu’s face brightened at Soobin’s question and he turned his laptop toward Soobin with a big smile. “I decided to learn French!”
Soobin stared at the screen where a colorful website with words and grammar was open. It looked eye-catching. “Where did that come from?”
“I was talking with my professor, and she said that more foreign languages would look good on my resume. And I agreed with her. So now I’m trying to learn French.”
Soobin hummed in thought. “Will that website be enough?”
“Of course not,” Beomgyu laughed. “There are many apps, videos, and documents I can use. And it’s just the beginning anyway. If I can at least improve my level a little bit and see that I can do it, I can find a course for advanced learning.”
“If you say so.” Soobin nodded. The only language he knew besides Korean was a little bit of English. Maybe he should’ve done something about it too, like Beomgyu, but his tired mind was making it seem impossible at that moment. He yawned and got up from Beomgyu’s side. “Good luck with that.”
“Merci beaucoup!” Beomgyu beamed at him. “It means ‘thanks a lot’.”
There was an obvious accent in the way he pronounced the words and it was a little clumsy, but Soobin knew he would get better at it as he kept studying. And he found it impressive that he could learn a new language all by himself and talk already on the first day. Even if it was a simple ‘thank you.’
He patted Beomgyu’s hair. “You sound good.”
“I’ll practice more,” Beomgyu said. “And you’ll probably be my victim because I will practice on you.”
“Oh no!” Soobin gasped playfully. “How will I survive that?”
“Silly.” Beomgyu laughed. Then his eyes softened as he stared at Soobin’s sleepy face. “Go and rest. I’ll wake you up when I make dinner, okay?”
“You’re my hero, Gyu.” Soobin hugged him. “What would I do without you?”
Beomgyu giggled at his antics, but didn’t say anything more as he shooed him away.
Soobin entered his room and plopped down on his bed with a sigh. He could hear Beomgyu talking to himself in French as he tried to copy the examples, and he fell asleep with a smile on his face as his best friend’s voice lulled him to sleep.
I.
Beomgyu woke up to the sound of Soobin’s soft humming. His voice was low, probably to avoid waking Beomgyu up, and there were sounds of sizzling and clinking noises of plates. His stomach grumbled at the smell of breakfast, and he lazily opened his eyes.
The sunlight was coming in through his open curtain, but it did nothing to warm him. A winter sun; bright yet cold. It still made Beomgyu smile. And despite his desire to bury himself under his duvet and sleep all day, he got up to start his day.
He promised Soobin that they would do a movie marathon, and he would never miss it.
He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his thick cardigan before opening his door quietly. And there it was; his favorite view in the whole world.
Soobin’s back was turned to him, but Beomgyu could still see his side profile. Soobin’s raven locks were falling gently on his forehead, his eyes half-closed with remnants of sleep. His lips were pouting as he kept humming a song he didn’t know, and it made his dimples appear on his cheeks.
It made Beomgyu smile as he felt the warmth pool in his stomach. Soobin and his fuzzy cardigans, Soobin and his bunny slippers, Soobin and his messy hair…
He couldn’t help but fall in love over and over again every time he saw his best friend. How could he not love him when he looked so huggable and was made to fit in his arms?
He slowly stepped toward him and hugged him from behind. Soobin got startled a little at his touch, but then he relaxed and let himself fall into his embrace.
“Good morning, Gyu.”
“Good morning, hyung,” Beomgyu mumbled as he nuzzled his nose on Soobin’s neck, smiling at his deep voice. Soobin smelled soft like vanilla and warm like sleep, and Beomgyu wanted to take him to bed and cuddle all day.
“Are you still sleepy?”
“No.” Beomgyu shook his head and tightened his arms around Soobin’s waist. “You’re just so soft.”
Soobin laughed, and Beomgyu felt the vibrations on his ribcage. It was his favorite sound, one he wouldn’t mind listening to for eternity.
“I made pancakes, your favorite.”
God, Beomgyu was in love with this man. Eating was the least on his priority list, all his thoughts were occupied with Soobin. With how right he felt in his arms, with how much he wanted to wake up to this sight for the rest of his life…
“Je veux être avec toi pour toujours,”[1] he mumbled, his breath kissing Soobin’s neck gently.
He felt the goosebumps on Soobin’s skin, and it made him smile softly.
Soobin chuckled. “What does it mean?”
“It means it smells delicious,” Beomgyu said. He rubbed Soobin’s waist one last time before taking a step back and grabbing the plates. “Let’s go eat.”
II.
Beomgyu huffed as he entered the house. Today was bad. The meeting with his group for the project was frustrating, his professors were insufferable, he missed his bus and waited for another thirty minutes in the cold, and he was honestly just ready to end the day.
He threw his bag on the floor carelessly and slammed the door. He was not in the mood for anything tonight.
“Beomgyu-yah?”
But when he stared at Soobin, who was sitting on their couch with a fluffy blanket on his lap and a book in his hands, looking at him softly behind his glasses, his shoulders dropped and he dragged his steps toward his roommate.
Soobin put his book away and opened his arms with a gentle smile. Beomgyu threw himself in Soobin’s arms and took a relieved breath, his stress and anger melting the second he felt Soobin’s hold around him.
He sprawled in his lap and buried his face in Soobin’s neck, breathing his scent and letting his warmth wash over him.
“Bad day?”
Beomgyu lazily nodded, too relaxed and tired to hold a conversation. He closed his eyes when he felt Soobin’s fingers running through his hair slowly, pushing all of his bad thoughts away with the tip of his fingers. Soobin’s touch was magical — soothing and calming. Beomgyu never wanted to move from his spot.
“Do you want me to make you tea?”
Beomgyu shook his head and tightened his arms around Soobin. “Just hold me.”
“Okay.”
Soobin started rubbing his back as he gently hummed one of Beomgyu’s favorite songs.
Beomgyu felt like he could finally breathe after his long day. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around without moving his head.
There was a warm cup of tea on their coffee table, and Soobin’s book was lying next to it. The blanket was now draped over them, making Beomgyu feel like they were in a small bubble, where the only thing that mattered was the two of them. He felt floaty with the scent of vanilla and cinnamon dancing around him.
“Tell me about your day,” he said quietly. He wanted to hear Soobin’s voice.
“Hm.” Soobin’s hand halted for a moment before he continued to pat Beomgyu gently. “I left the house after you and stopped by the library to get a new book. Then I got a sweet bun for breakfast and went to the class. My class was actually interesting this time. Did you know…”
Beomgyu tried to listen, he really did, but Soobin’s voice was so relaxing and soft that he couldn’t resist but focus on his voice, tuning out his words. It was like a lullaby, making him feel sleepy.
When Soobin stopped talking, he raised his head, confused and wanting to hear more. But Soobin pushed his head back on his neck and patted his hair.
“Sleep. You’re tired.”
Beomgyu wanted to argue, to say that he wanted Soobin to talk forever, but his mind was already foggy with fatigue, and he decided not to resist.
And if it meant he was going to fall asleep in Soobin’s arms, who was he to refuse such a beautiful opportunity? Soobin meant every good thing in his universe, and being in his embrace was the solution to all his problems.
“Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi,”[2] he whispered, words leaving his lips without thinking.
Soobin hummed. “And what does that mean?”
“It means you’re comfortable,” Beomgyu said.
Then he was out like a light, in the comfort of the embrace of his love.
III.
Beomgyu shivered and pulled the blanket under his chin, a weak whimper leaving his lips. He was freezing despite his body’s heat because of his fever.
The other side of his bed sank when his best friend sat next to him.
“Gyu-yah,” he heard Soobin’s voice, gentle and low to not worsen his headache. “I made you soup. Drink it a little, you need your strength to get better.”
“I don’t want to,” he whined, feeling so small and helpless. His appetite was non-existent. All he wanted to do was sleep, but his aching body was not even letting him do that.
“Please, for me. I promise you’ll get better.”
Soobin had hit him where he was weak by mentioning himself. Beomgyu grumbled as he straightened up and opened his eyes.
Soobin was looking at him with a worried expression, his lips curled downwards and his gaze glimmering with care. He was holding a small tray in his lap with a bowl of soup, a cup of tea, and medicine on it. He grabbed the bowl and the spoon, not giving Beomgyu time to argue now that he was at least convinced to eat a little. He cooled down the soup by blowing on it and held it in front of Beomgyu’s mouth.
“Open up, Beomie.”
Beomgyu gratefully accepted it. It made him feel like a small child, but he was not going to refuse the help when his limbs felt so heavy.
Soobin smiled as he kept drinking it, his gaze proud. And before he knew it, the whole bowl was finished. Beomgyu wasn’t surprised, Soobin was a good cook.
“This was delicious,” he said, wanting to voice his appreciation. Soobin’s blush put a pleased grin on his face.
Soobin carefully put the bowl away before leaning over and pressing his lips to Beomgyu’s forehead. Beomgyu breathed a sigh of relief at Soobin’s warmth on his skin, and his stomach tingled with butterflies. He knew it was just an innocent gesture meant to check his fever, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was above the clouds.
Soobin slightly pulled away and smiled. “Thankfully your fever got a bit down, I’m sure you’ll feel a lot better in no time. I’ll leave your tea and medicine next to you. Finish them and rest, okay?”
“Okay, hyung.”
Soobin nodded and got up. “And don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll check on you from time to time but, just in case.”
“Okay, hyung,” Beomgyu said with a soft smile on his face. He knew he wouldn’t need to call for Soobin; because whenever he was sick, his best friend would feel restless and check on him at least three times an hour. He wouldn’t even give him time to feel uncomfortable, he would immediately take care of whatever was bothering Beomgyu.
Yet here he was, looking at him with gentle eyes, making sure he would be there whenever Beomgyu needed him. Beomgyu knew he could trust Soobin with his life. He had no doubt about that.
Soobin was like a dream come true. Reliable, gentle, caring, loving, everything he dreamed of and more. He felt lucky to meet and love him. And he felt even luckier knowing that he was loved back, even though he knew their love for each other was different. Just being at the receiving end of his affection was enough for Beomgyu, though sometimes he felt a little longing in his heart for more.
“Tu es l’homme de mes rêves,”[3] he said in a low voice, his smile still on his face.
Soobin stopped in front of his door and turned back with a curious glint in his eyes. “What does that mean?”
“It means ‘I feel better already’,” Beomgyu answered, the real meaning locked in his heart. “You’re taking good care of me.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Soobin said, a sweet smile taking place on his flushed face. “You need to get better. I bought a new game and we need to play it together.”
Beomgyu let out a laugh at Soobin’s words, feeling lighter and better at the promise of spending more time together with his best friend. He stared at Soobin playfully. “I didn’t know you were that excited to lose.”
Soobin huffed and looked at him in feigned offense. “We’ll see about that.”
Beomgyu could see Soobin’s smile as he left the room.
He promised himself to protect Soobin’s happiness no matter what.
IV.
Beomgyu was reading a book when Soobin’s voice disrupted their silence.
“Beomie, I’m bored.”
His hand caressing Soobin’s hair slowed down and he lowered his head to look at his best friend. Soobin looked sleepy, with his head on Beomgyu’s lap, his eyes half closed in comfort.
“What do you want to do?”
“Hm.” Soobin stared at the ceiling as if he was thinking, but Beomgyu knew from the glint of his eyes that Soobin decided what he wanted to do already. He stared Beomgyu in the eyes and gave him a sweet smile. “Do you want to play guitar for me?”
“Where did that come from?”
“You haven’t played it for so long,” Soobin pouted. “I missed listening to you.”
And Beomgyu was a weak man for the pretty man lying on his lap and his doe eyes looking at him with hope.
“Okay then.” He closed his book and patted Soobin’s hair. “Lift your head.”
Soobin grumbled as he got up from his comfortable position, but his excitement overshadowed his disturbance as he waited for Beomgyu to get his guitar.
When Beomgyu returned, he sat in front of his best friend and put the guitar on his lap. “Is there any song you want me to play?”
“Is there any song you wrote recently?” Soobin asked. “I love listening to your songs.”
There was. He wrote so many songs since the last time he played for Soobin. His pages were about to run out, another notebook joining the pile of his endless confessions to his clueless best friend. He needed to buy a new one.
He nodded, and his fingers began dancing with the strings. There wasn’t any specific song on his mind, he was just playing it by his heart.
He started singing in a low voice, the words he wrote on the sleepless nights pouring out of his lips. Soobin was staring at him with mesmerized eyes, his palms under his chin as he listened to Beomgyu.
But there was something about Soobin’s gaze that was confusing Beomgyu — a little sadness, mostly longing. Another person wouldn’t have noticed, but Beomgyu wasn’t another person. He knew his best friend’s expressions like the back of his hand. And it scared him.
Is he thinking about someone?
It would devastate him to know that Soobin was thinking about someone else when Beomgyu was singing his heart out to his best friend.
But then Soobin smiled at him, and all of his bad thoughts flew away.
“You’re amazing,” Soobin murmured when he stopped to take a breath. “Your voice is so calming.”
“I like your voice, too.” Beomgyu smiled. “Someday I’ll teach you one of my songs to sing together.”
Imagining them singing together the songs Beomgyu wrote for Soobin made his heart flutter. Staring into Soobin’s eyes, whispering his love as their voices harmonize together… He would end the song with a kiss on Soobin’s lips, engraving the words between them like an oath.
Soobin nodded with a small smile. “I would love that.” His gaze fell onto the guitar, and his smile faded a little. “Sometimes I wonder,” he said, “how can you write so many love songs.”
“Parce que tu es dans toutes mes pensées,”[4] Beomgyu said.
Soobin raised his eyes. “What?”
“It’s not that hard,” Beomgyu corrected himself.
“Wow,” Soobin mumbled. “You must have a muse if it comes that easy for you.”
“I just write, honestly.” Beomgyu shrugged. “I don’t think about it that much.”
“Would you play your songs for me even when they’re about someone else?” Soobin looked so small, and Beomgyu didn’t know why, but all it did was make him want to hug his best friend and never let go.
“I will sing for you forever,” Beomgyu ran his fingers through Soobin’s hair. “Don’t worry about that.”
They are all for you, after all.
V.
“Hyung!” Beomgyu poked Soobin’s cheek in an excited but quiet voice.
Soobin slowly opened his eyes and stared at his best friend’s face, trying to see if something was wrong. When all he saw was happiness, he let out a soft sigh and mumbled, “Yes, Beomie?”
“It’s snowing!”
“Is it?” Soobin raised his head from the pillow and stared at the window with surprised eyes. “I didn’t see any snow in the weather forecast.”
“Can we go outside? Please, please, please.”
It was 3 a.m. in the middle of the night, and his warm bed felt comfortable like it never had before. His brain was screaming at him to go back to sleep, and he was tempted to just cuddle Beomgyu and fall asleep like that. But Beomgyu’s wide and hopeful eyes were impossible to say no, so he fondly huffed and straightened up. “Of course, Gyu. You don’t need to give me your puppy eyes.”
Beomgyu jumped and ran to his room. “Yay! I’ll get dressed!”
“Dress warmly!” Soobin said with a small smile on his face. He always found Beomgyu’s fascination with snow endearing. The small child in his heart would show up and watch the snowflakes like it was a wonderful thing. Soobin loved it.
When they both bundled up and grabbed their keys, they walked out of their house.
The cold weather made Soobin hiss quietly, and he buried his face in his scarf even more. His nose and cheeks would be bright red when they returned, but seeing Beomgyu’s face brighten at the sight of snow slowly piling on the empty streets was worth every second.
They started walking side by side without a destination, the air silent aside from the snow crunching under their boots. It was peaceful, as if they were in a snow globe and no one but them was around. The snow was falling onto their hair gracefully and painting their locks a darker color as it melted.
Beomgyu sighed happily as he stared at the night sky. He loved winter, and he loved snow. He loved how gentle snowflakes were dancing in the air, how they muffled every sound around them, how it made them seek each other more in search of warmth…
He stared at Soobin from the corner of his eye and smiled. He loved how winter brought him the love of his life the most. Soobin was a winter baby, the warmth of a home in the middle of the ruthless cold. Their first meeting was on a snowy day, when both of them took shelter in a small cafe while trying to escape the freezing night. And Beomgyu realized he was in love with him on a cold and silent night like this, their hands brushing each other as they laughed.
There were more than enough reasons to love winter, and he would live in the cold for the rest of his life if it meant it would make Soobin stay with him for eternity. Soobin was hidden in the winter; his cold beauty and elegance in harmony with his soft and bright personality. Strong enough to freeze the world, yet delicate enough to choose to make everything a little softer and prettier — like snowflakes. Maybe that was the reason why Beomgyu loved them so much.
They stopped and watched the view when they got tired, their eyes on the sky. The snow was shining under the street lamps, gently falling on their faces. Beomgyu lowered his head and watched Soobin instead; how his face was bright in awe, how his nose was pink, how his smile was soft…
Beomgyu stepped closer, and their arms brushed. He could feel the warmth spreading through his body as Soobin lowered his head and stared into his eyes. He was looking at him with glimmering eyes, and Beomgyu was burning with the need to say something.
“It’s the first snow,” he whispered into the night, the words leaving his lips without thinking about the implications.
“Yeah,” Soobin said, his eyes getting smaller with his smile. “Isn’t it pretty?”
“It is.” Beomgyu nodded.
This moment felt delicate. Under the first snow, staring at each other in the middle of the night with soft smiles, silent in their small world.
Beomgyu wanted to cry. There was a lump in his throat, and he felt like he was choking with yearning.
“Tu es l’amour de ma vie,”[5] he said, his voice small.
“What does that mean?” Soobin whispered.
Say it. Just say it.
“It means ‘I’m getting cold’,” he tried to smile. “Do you want to go back?”
“Sure,” Soobin extended his hand, “let’s go home.”
Beomgyu intertwined their fingers, and they walked in comfortable silence. Soobin squeezed his hand, and Beomgyu tightened his hold back.
VI.
Beomgyu lazily opened his eyes and took a deep breath, filling his lungs with Soobin’s soft scent.
The sheets smelled like vanilla, and he remembered how he crashed into Soobin’s bed when they came back, too tired and emotionally fragile to go back to his room.
He lowered his head to stare at his best friend’s sleeping face, serene and soft, unaware of the world.
Beomgyu loved this side of Soobin the most — unguarded, fragile, pretty. In his mismatched pajamas and messy hair. Face puffy with sleep, lips pouty. Just for Beomgyu’s eyes.
He hesitantly raised his hand and started stroking his hair, careful to not wake him up. He deserved to sleep after putting up with Beomgyu’s ideas in the middle of the night.
His head was on Beomgyu’s chest, and his hair was tickling his jaw slightly. His shampoo scent was dancing around the room as Beomgyu kept petting his hair, his locks soft under his palm.
Beomgyu’s hand moved from his hair to his face, fingers moving in silence. He caressed his eyebrows, his nose, the places where his dimples appeared when he smiled. He mapped Soobin’s face with his fingertips delicately, engraving the sight into his mind.
Most of the days, he was content with what they had. Having Soobin in his life was enough for him to live his life. But sometimes…
Sometimes he yearned for something more. When he stared at his best friend, when he touched him, when he saw his pretty smile reserved for him.
Sometimes, his traitorous heart would skip a beat in hope, trying to convince him that maybe Soobin loved him back. In those moments; like last night when they stood under the snow, when he played his guitar and saw Soobin’s longing gaze, when their fingers brushed each other in a way that couldn’t be an accident… He hoped.
He desperately hoped to be more than friends with Soobin. His heart hurt with want, and he didn’t know how much more he could take before he broke down in heartbreak.
He gently cupped Soobin’s face. His thumb was brushing under his eyes softly when he whispered, “Je t’aime de tout mon cœur, mon ange.”[6]
His heart was aching, crying out to Soobin to hear him.
“Est-ce que tu m’aimes aussi?”[7]
“I love you too.”
Beomgyu felt his heart stop at Soobin’s sleepy voice. His hand halted, and his voice broke when he talked in a trembling voice.
“What?”
Soobin opened his eyes slowly and stared at him.
“I love you too,” he repeated with a soft smile. “Everyone knows what ‘je t’aime’ means.” Then his smile faded, and his eyes widened in panic as he tried to leave Beomgyu’s hold. “Unless you said something else in the rest of your sentence. Oh my god, am I making a fool of myself? Gyu, I’m sorry—”
“Stop, stop,” Beomgyu shushed Soobin, his eyes gentle. His heart was pounding like he ran a marathon, it was impossible for Soobin to not feel how crazy Beomgyu’s heart was for him. His fingers smoothed out the crease between Soobin’s brows, his voice unable to hide his happiness. Now that he knew Soobin loved him back, there was no way he would let him slip between his fingers. “I love you. All my love is for you. Only you, nothing else.”
Soobin calmed down and let out a relieved sigh. He put his head on Beomgyu’s chest back, and Beomgyu wrapped his arms around Soobin’s waist tightly, not planning to let go any time soon. “Oh my god,” he said as he buried his face in Beomgyu’s neck. “I panicked so much.”
Beomgyu started to laugh, and Soobin joined him with his sweet giggles. He was feeling like he was above the clouds. How could this be real?
“I can’t believe you love me back,” he whispered after their laughter died down and left its place to calmness. “I dreamt about this for so long, you have no idea.”
Soobin pulled his head back and stared at him. His eyes were shining as if he stole the stars and hid them under his eyelids. His smile was the softest Beomgyu had ever seen as he put his fingers on Beomgyu’s face.
“Maybe I have an idea,” he whispered. “You’re a little blind for not seeing my love for you.”
Beomgyu grinned. “Is that so?”
“Yes,” Soobin nodded. “I don’t let anyone sleep in my bed, or let them hug me from behind, or go out for them in the middle of the night, or—”
“Okay, okay,” Beomgyu laughed. “I got it.”
“Good,” Soobin said. “Because they’re just for you.”
Beomgyu closed his eyes in peace when he felt Soobin’s lips on his jaw. He couldn’t believe this was real.
He lowered his head and started pressing his lips on wherever he could reach, making Soobin shriek with laughter — his forehead, his temple, his nose, his cheeks… His lips.
They melted in each other’s lips as they kissed with a sigh. It was much better than anything Beomgyu could’ve imagined. His heart was finally at peace, in tune with Soobin’s pulse.
When they pulled back, Soobin’s eyes fluttered open and he gave Beomgyu the sweetest smile as he got comfortable on his chest once again.
“I love you,” Beomgyu said, unable to stop his words now that he was allowed to shout out his love to Soobin. “I love you so much.”
He wasn’t going to hide behind his excuses anymore.
“I love you,” Soobin said back.
Beomgyu pulled Soobin closer and tightened his hold around him. This was the best moment in his life, but he knew it would only get better as long as he had Soobin in his arms.
“So…” Soobin disrupted their silence in a giddy voice. “Were you telling the truth when you translated your sentences to me, or were you hiding something else, like now?”
Beomgyu groaned in embarrassment. His face was red as a beet as he buried his face in Soobin’s hair.
“Let’s not talk about it, okay?”
“No way!” Soobin raised his head with widened eyes. “I was joking! Were you really saying something else?”
“I’ll tell you later,” Beomgyu pulled Soobin back to himself, his voice quiet with shyness. “But you have to promise me you won’t tease me.”
“No promises.”
“Hyung!”
Soobin’s giggles and Beomgyu’s whines echoed in the room.