Work Text:
894 years had passed since their last awakening
it all feels like an eternity
ive already lost track of all the attempts to wake them up
to save them from the dreadful illness that has been haunting them for their entire existence
but over the years i just started feeling that i am slowly
but surely failing.
i have devoted my entire being
my entire energy
my entire mind
my entire life to them
devoted everything
i have done so centuries ago
i became responsible for their condition at a very young age, a few years after i have been partnered up with them.
maybe around
34 ?
i dont remember anymore.
it didnt really matter now anyway.
around that age i saw how their illness impacted them
i will never forget the image of them falling to the ground before me for the first time when we were patrolling together
the emotions i felt
the utter pain and shock and despair
the throat-ripping exclamation of their name which i dont exactly remember coming out of me
all still plays in my mind sometimes, often in a loop
again and again and again and again and again and again.
when i first witnessed it, i immediately knew i wanted to help them
and when i was told about padparadscha’s condition, i wanted to be the one to cure them
to save them
it very quickly became my priority, i didnt really care for anything else
all i wanted to do was to find a cure
and to help them
to save them.
i lived in my own world
one that revolved around padparadscha and only them
and in my mind there was a constant loop of
padparadschapadparadschapadparadschapadparadschapadparadschapadparadscha oh how i love them i need to save them save them savethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavesavesavesave save-
every single day and every single sleepless night i was trying to find the perfect solution
the perfect combination of crystals to insert into the holes in their body that could make them wake up and perchance make them never fall into a coma ever again.
but it was really all just a dream
imagining and fantasizing and daydreaming about healing them
saving them
all of that but a delusion to which i was captivated
a delusion of being convinced that one day after who-knows-which attempt, after a who-knows-what amount of centuries, they would wake up and be completely healed
fully healthy and happy
safe because of my hands and my hands only.
deep down in the depths of my being i knew
i knew that there would come a day that they would just fall asleep
and never wake up again.
no matter the gems i put inside of their holes and no matter the amount of attempts and operations.
but i convinced myself otherwise
deluded myself
because not only was i aware that as their doctor i was responsible for their health and condition, for their life
but also because of the incomprehensible amount of love that i felt towards them.
i loved padparadscha with my entire being. every fibre of myself was in immense love with them, loyal and obsessed with and devoted to them only.
i was theirs and no one else’s. my entire being belonged to them. i was theirs i was theirs i was theirs i was theirs i was theirs
on this night, after exactly 894 years have passed since they last woke up, i was sitting on the ground, hunched over the box that padparadscha was peacefully sleeping in, and i was thinking
and the only thing i could feel was agony
i was spiraling
in my head the thoughts of their condition were playing on loop
‘ their condition is worsening each and every single time they fall into a coma the last time they were awake they were awake for not even an hour not even an hour i have to do something or else they will never wake up again i need to save them from this illness i need to do something- ’
deep down i knew they were helpless
i knew that eventually there would be nothing i could do to help them
they have spoken about this to me multiple times, they told me that i should ‘just let them sleep’
but i refused to hear their words
to that i said ‘no no no nonononono i am not just letting you sleep do you realize how important you are to me you are the light of my life, the sole purpose of my existence and i know that there is a chance of curing you i know that you have to believe me please’
they did end up believing in my words
i cant afford to let them down
i cant break this promise of mine
i have to save them
savethemsavethemsavethem. it all played in a loop inside my head
ineedtosavethemineedtodosomethingineedtosavethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavethemsavethem
at that moment i felt a rush of immense panic take over me. i needed to do something i needed to do something to help padparadscha
i couldnt breathe. i couldnt breathe i knew i had to do something
that was when i lost control of my mind, of my whole being
i have been fully devoted to padparadscha ever since i could remember. i was completely theirs whether they were awake or not my world was just padparadscha padparadscha padparadscha for years and years and years and years on end. it was for them that i worked like a dog and broke myself and my sanity apart piece by piece more and more every single day. it was all for them. it was all because of the love that i felt towards them. the devotion and love and obsession .
i couldnt breathe.
…
an idea appeared inside my head
‘there is still
a solution left’
i spoke to basically nothing, either to myself or to padparadscha it didnt matter anymore
i was breathless, choking out the words
‘im going
to devote myself to padparadscha
entirely
theres really no going back now
or helping you otherwise
dont you think ,
my beloved ?’
my voice was barely audible, completely shaky
i didnt know what i was doing
as i reached out to grab the chisel that i always used to work on the countless pieces of crystal that i inserted inside padparadscha
which was laying next to their box on the floor
i couldnt breathe
i started taking my shirt off as quickly as i could
there was no going back now really
‘i hope that this
is the thing
that will save you
padparadscha’
i choked out the words as i held the tool over my chest
i didnt know what i was about to do
but i knew that i was ready to devote myself to padparadscha fully
not only mentally
but now
also physically
‘i love you’
i braced myself for what was about to happen
and i quickly stabbed the tool into my chest.
i felt a deep and powerful crack vibrating through my whole body
it was so
intense
but it was all for padparadscha
so i didnt care about what i felt right now.
i felt myself getting more deranged by the second as i stabbed it in repeatedly, beginning to shape out a piece of myself
shaped perfectly to fit one of padparadscha’s holes
i knew all of the shapes perfectly, so i did it without worrying
stab stab stab and crack and crack and crack
my entire body was shaking
i couldnt breathe
as i carved out a piece of myself to insert into padparadscha’s body
it was all for them
all of this was for the sake of helping them
saving them from their illness
by inserting myself into them not only could i be saving them
but also i would become one with them
i will become one with them i will become one with them i will become one with them
the thought of that made a smile appear on my face
as i kept carving.
soon enough i was done
it felt like an eternity but it didnt matter now
i reached behind myself and started slowly pushing the perfectly shaped piece out.
it felt
extremely strange
but i didnt care
when i pulled it out, i immediately became dizzy
my world was spinning all around
i felt more and more weakened by the second
i used my shaky hand to rub off the powder covering two parallel sides of the piece
and i finally slowly rose up from the spot where i was sitting and leaned over padparadscha’s sleeping body once again
i couldnt think straight, i couldnt think at all
i carefully pushed the piece taken out of me into the one empty hole they had in them, the rest of the holes were filled with other crystals
i was finally becoming one with them.
‘youre
beautiful’
was the only thing i said after inserting my piece inside of them
before i fell onto the floor and felt my consciousness slowly slip away.
…
as i was at the brink of being unconscious, i could faintly hear a familiar voice shouting something that sounded.. similar to my name, sounding panicked.
i felt content and happy that they had awoken after this procedure.