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Nicole, Jecka notices very quickly once they start hanging out, is not a fan of being touched.
She gets it, obvi. When most of your day is spent trying to avoid being grabbed by the slimiest boys in school trying to slobber all over you or the actual pedophile teachers trying to cop a feel, you'll inevitably build a routine of shrinking away from approaching hands, shrugging off any attempts at hugs, and pulling your wrist away as if you'd been burned.
(You have to, or you'll end up as a black and white photo in some documentary and found buried in some psycho's backyard in 25 years.)
Nicole, even more than the rest of the girls, has found herself in the eye of the storm since day one. They'd barely talked for fifteen minutes on the first day before Kylar had tried to grab at her, and the boys have all been relentless ever since.
She never shows it, not really, but Jecka can tell how much it wears on her behind all the sneering and harsh rejections. How couldn't it? Jecka herself would go fucking insane if she couldn't step into a corridor without some grease-ball that thinks she's too stupid to know what the new kid grace period is doing a terrible attempt to hide that he's trying to get into her pants.
The more they hang out, though, The more Jecka grows sure it's different with girls.
Nicole is still jumpy, of course, because it's still being touched, but sometimes, when Ari does something and lets her hands linger just a little longer because she's in the most see-through closet in the universe and desperately wants girls to like her but is too scared to actually say anything, or when Kelly gets a bit excited and huggy when she's fucked up, or when Jecka herself lays a hand on her shoulder in support whenever the faculty is being extra creepy and they can't afford to make a scene, she'll lean into it, just a little bit.
She'll deny it like she's been accused of spreading herpes across the entire school if Jecka ever brings it up, though, because of course she does. She's so closed off that Jecka is surprised that she even knows that she has feelings and emotions in the first place, sometimes.
That doesn't mean that Jecka doesn't notice it happening.
It's not subtle, precisely. Or perhaps it is. Jecka doesn't know if anyone else notices how much more relaxed she is when it's her that brushes up against her arm as opposed to anyone else, but Nicole isn't exactly easy to talk to if she doesn't want to be. She's definitely still stiff and looks uncomfortable if Jecka lingers too long, too, but she doesn't actually make the same effort to disengage as if it'd been someone else.
Jecka thinks about that a lot. They're friends, obviously, insofar as someone as allergic to emotional availability as Nicole can have friends, and they spend a lot of time together, so her being more comfortable around Jecka than the guys that she is 100% right about jacking off to creepy phone photos of her makes total sense.
She doesn't push it, though, because Nicole's emotional range goes from "Angry Cat" to "2008 High School Hitler", and she doesn't really want to see how far she's willing to be tested. Megan may have had it coming, but Jesus Christ.
Out of all possible things, it'a sleepover that moves the needle.
Calling it "a sleepover" feels so fucking middle school, and it's less an agreed upon "hey can I sleep over at yours" than it is "I need to get super fucked up because it's Friday and we've spent the whole fucking week being tormented by Kylar's benzosexual ass and Jeffery talking about how hot Anime girls are and I need a fucking break", but the point is that Jecka spends the night at Nicole's, popping her mother's pills and watching movies on her laptop together.
(Nicole wanted to watch fucking Mythbusters, but Jecka has decided to nix that until Nicole compromises on watching Smallville together as well. That'll probably never happen, so she's probably safe.)
High Nicole isn't clingy, not as such, but she is a lot less tense than she is otherwise.
That means not only a Nicole that is a lot more willing to say that some movies are actually not just for 300 lbs guys that think flames on motorcycles are cool and are actually kind of cool to watch, but also a Nicole that is kind of handsy.
Kind of being the key words. Things being relative and all. She' still not like a boy,obviously, but she sits a lot closer than she usually would, and slowly, after a lot of aborted shuffling, she leans into Jecka's arm slightly. Just enough to make contact.
As soon as Jecka moves, Nicole tenses and straightens out like a board without acknowledging it at all. When Jecka stares, Nicole just raises her eyebrow and stares back .
She's not Kylar, she knows when a conversation has ended before it's begun.
She's pretty sure it means something, though, because the movie rolls on, and suddenly there's a head against her shoulder. On the side of it, really, because Nicole is shorter than her, and she sits much more curled up than Jecka does. It's obvious that she's asleep from how relaxed she is.
(It makes sense that she'd go first. She always looks so tired. Both in general and tired tired. If what she says about her daily routine is true, she spends more time with her mom's drugs and wine cabinet than she does sleeping.)
So Jecka lets her sleep until the movie is over, and then she pretends as if it didn't happen when she asks "So, wanna' watch another one? They can't all be shit, can they?" loudly enough to wake her up.
They don't talk about that either. Not for the night, and certainly not afterwards.
Jecka is pretty sure that Nicole doesn't shy away from her quite as much afterwards, though.
The more time she spends with Nicole out of school, and the more time she actually spends thinking about it, the more sense it makes that she's as fucked up as she is.
Her brother is creepy. Like, insanely creepy. Jecka is uncomfortably certain that when Nicole scoffs and says "Yeah, he's probably got a hard drive of shower pictures of me somewhere among all the pizza boxes and tissues he's got piled up down there in his enclosure" in response to her saying so she isn't joking quite as much as Jecka would like her to be. The one time she actually had to talk to him made her feel like she needed replacement skin to feel clean again.
Her mom isn't much better. She's cordial when Jecka is around, and it's obvious that she cares in some way in the same fucked-up kind of way her own mother does, but the way Nicole looks uncomfortable to be around her when she raises her voice about something and the way she keeps track of her hands at all times also makes it just as obvious that she is not nice to Nicole when there's nobody else around.
She never talks about her dad. Probably for the best, honestly, because all Jecka has ever managed to get out of her was her saying "Oh, yeah, he shot himself and left a note on the fridge that just said it was my fault. I dunno' what the fuck I ever did to him." with a completely straight face.
(What the fuck do you even say to that? Jecka doesn't like her own father very much, he's a dick, but holy shit.)
Needless to say, Jecka doesn't think Nicole has gotten hugged very often. That sounds so fucking pathetic when she actually dwells on it, and Nicole hates anything that even remotely resembles actual pity unless she's actively trying to get it for her own gain, so she would probably actually bite Jecka's head off if she figured out that Jecka thinks about any of this.
She also, like a wet blanket, decides that if nobody else is going to show Nicole some small hint of affection, she will. Because that's what friends do when a girl is having a rough time.
(God, that sounds so fucking gay. Not the "Kylar's favourite insult" kind of gay, either, like actual gay gay.)
Nicole is, as she expected, not particularly receptible.
The first time Jecka tries to give her a hug, the same kind she gives her other friends, she gasps in surprise, and just kind of twitches. The kind of frantic "What the fuck are you doing, Jecka? If some guy has hooked you into doing some weird shit, blink twice." she gets is honestly kind of warranted, in hindsight. She didn't exactly give her any warning.
Again, Nicole doesn't actually pull away, though. She just kind of stands there really awkwardly.
"This is terrible hug, Nicole."
"What the fuck do you want me to do? You think my mom hugs me goodbye before I go to school? Do I look like a bitch that gets hugged a lot to you, Jecka?"
Like a lot of things Nicole says, that's a catch-22 if she's ever heard one. She's a terrible liar when Nicole is around, and how the fuck do you phrase "no, you really, really, do not" in a way that doesn't sound like you're calling your best friend kind of a loser to her face?
"Uh. . ."
Nicole huffs angrily once the awkward silence drags on for too long. "You can say fucking no! That bitch wouldn't hug me if it were to save her alimony checks!"
"There are. . .Other people that could hug you, though?"
Nicole scoffs. Loudly.
"Name three people here that you think wouldn't make me want to kill myself on the spot if they did."
Again, Jecka finds herself lost for words. She isn't sure if there are three people that Nicole likes period, let alone for that.
Then, before she can figure out what the fuck she's supposes to answer, Nicole's shoulders relaxes and she leans forward, just a tine bit.
"I guess it's okay if you do it, though."
It's little more than a mumble, partly hidden by the way Nicole lets her face fall into her shoulder, and far softer than she's ever heard Nicole speak before.
Again, there's something so tired about her.
Then, before Jecka can snap out of the surprise, Nicole steps back.
"Anyway, we need to get the fuck out of here and get to class."
Jecka can do little else than blink. What the fuck?
"You want to get to class?"
"I would skip, but Bitch Lynn called my mom last week and if I skip again I think she's actually going to throw me out on the street. If I have to sink down to being a Myspace escort I'd rather do it on my own terms."
When Jecka doesn't follow, she turns around with a frown.
"Come on! You're always on my ass about skipping too much, let's go."
She just follows Nicole's lead. They do need to get to class, and if she doesn't have to convince anyone that it might be a good idea to not get written up once in a while, then so be it.
"God" Nicole mumbles as they walk. "I hope Jeffery wasn't around to see that. I don't want to think about all the weird cat girl bullshit he'd draw out of it. Fuck, I wish I never got him to admit to that stuff. Now I do want to kill myself."
It's still not a conversation. Nicole mumbling to herself is never an invitation to one.
Still, it feels as if something has shifted yet again.
Over time, Jecka has become convinced that Nicole is a bit embarrassed about her house not being as nice as Jecka's.
She doesn't really get it, honestly. It's still in a cul-de-sac. The stuff inside may not be quite as nice, and it isn't quite as big, but it' still nice. They hang out there all the time, too, so it's not as if she's got any reason to think Jecka doesn't like it.
What she should be embarrassed by is the fact that she always wants to watch fucking Mythbusters.
She isn't going to say that she's as persistent as Crispin, because Nicole talks to her about it instead of just talking out loud in her general direction, and she only mentions it once every time they get there, but she just keeps bringing it up.
"It's like the only thing on, Jecka. I'm not watching fucking Smallville no matter how fucked up I am." her minor ass. They could just not watch TV, it's not as if she ever wants to do that when she's over at Jecka's.
They have enough nerdy men that keep saying "this is true" at school, and yet Nicole always looks like someone with a sense of shame would if they got caught with their hand in a cookie jar whenever she realises that it's on. She's so bad at hiding it, too, and Jecka would think it was kind of cute if it wasn't about something so fucking nerdy.
Worse, Jecka, for whatever reason, in some spark of madness, has suddenly decided to be a wet blanket and agreed to watch it with her. She doesn't even know why. Nicole would never do the same for her, as the standing demand for compromise on watching Smallville has proven.
(She'd looked so hopeful when Jecka vaguely didn't say no, and she'd just found herself folding immediately. What the fuck.)
Is that weird? Doing things you know you won't enjoy at all just because it makes another girl really happy? Nicole herself would definitely just scoff and call it weakness, but Nicole is also allergic to anything even remotely resembling emotional vulnerability, so using her as a measuring stick probably isn't the best way to figure that out.
(It was just nice, seeing Nicole not look like she's one sufficiently big inconvenience away from finding a rope and googling how to tie a knot. Her smile is actually so pretty. What the fuck.)
So there she finds herself, curled up on the couch next to the prettiest girl in school, watching the two nerdiest guys in the universe and their band of almost as nerdy sidekicks as they try to figure out if you can tenderise meat with explosives on the TV instead of doing literally anything else. What the fuck is she doing with her life?
Nicole is somehow invested, though. Enough to not want to talk at all, just hushing down any attempt at conversation. Enough to visibly relax and start spreading herself out on the couch.
(It's so fucking awkward. Watching TV is for talking shit about people at school being trashy or planning out how to make the boys regret being so creepy all the time, not actually watching TV.)
It's almost cozy. Which is genuinely bizarre, because Nicole is usually either full of anxious restlessness or seething about something. The whole cozy thing just feels out of place.
Cozy enough, apparently, for Nicole to slowly move her hand closer to Jecka's.
She probably wouldn't even notice if Nicole didn't look at her and then pointedly look the other way every time she slides it just a little bit closer.
What is this? Some shitty hallmark movie? They're too cool to act like fucking virgins.
When she grabs Nicole's hand and turns it over, Nicole jumps slightly, but lets her. She lets her slide her hand up forearm too, and then Jecka's fingers are brushing the patchwork of raised lines on Nicole's skin. Slowly, deliberately, softly, she lets the pad of her thumb follow them all in turn.
(There's so many of them. Nicole always says that she does it because it's hot, but Jecka still remembers the time she got sad drunk when they got super wasted and she slipped up about crying in the shower sometimes. Girls that cry in the shower don't cut themselves just because it's hot. Jesus, she needs SSRIs so bad.)
Jecka says nothing about them. Instead, she just continues to trace them, from the fold of her elbow down towards her wrist.
The way Nicole screws her eyes shut and just breathes through her nose in tune with the brushes of Jecka's thumb is mesmerising.
(Jecka's pretty sure her bottom lip trembles just a little bit.)
For a while, they just sit there. Her hand on Nicole's wrist, Nicole leaning back into the backrest, and the most annoying men in the world screaming This is true about how you can apparently actually tenderise meat with bombs. She still has no idea why anyone would care or even want to know that in the first place.
"Hey, Nicole?"
Nicole's hand twitches, and she grimaces at the broken silence.
"Please don't say anything corny. I don't think I can deal with that while sober."
"Ohmyg . . I was going to say 'come here', Nicole. we're not on the Disney Channel, I know how to not make things weird."
Slowly, Nicole turns her neck and opens her eyes to stare at her.
(Fuck, her eyes are really blue. Jecka knew that, obviously, but there's something about the way the light from the TV reflects in them that makes them shine.)
When Jecka opens her arms slightly, in clear invitation, Nicole just starts eyeing her.
So much for not making things weird, huh?
Then, just as she's about to call it quits and take whatever offer Nicole gives her to just laugh it off and pretend it never happened, Nicole shifts her weight around and starts creeping closer.
It is, once again, a terrible hug, objectively speaking. Jecka is sitting awkwardly and can't really get her shoulders right, and Nicole is stiff and just as weirdly to the side as she is.
Still, Nicole's arms are around her, awkward and stiff as they may be, and it only takes a little more shuffling to sit up and face her before Nicole can hook her chin over her shoulder and lean against her properly.
"If you tell anyone about this I'll deny it, by the way. There's no fucking way anyone would believe you. I'm not a bitch that hugs people, remember?"
And she tells Jecka to not say corny things?
"You're hugging me right now."
Nicole huffs into her shoulder. Then she just kind of falls backwards and drags Jecka with her. She can't not notice what this would look like to anyone that spotted them.
"Nicole. . . "
Another sigh.
"Please don't ruin the moment, Jecka. I don't feel like hanging myself right now and honestly I kind of want to keep it that way for once."
"So what you mean is that you think this is nice."
Nicole turns her head towards the TV in lieu of answering. For a long while, neither of them say anything.
(Jecka can hear the intro to another episode of Mythbusters start playing. Fuck, she didn't realise this was some sort of marathon. She doesn't want to move to do anything about it, though.)
Then, in a low, small voice, silent to the point of her having to strain her ears to hear it, Nicole huffs out a "Yeah. I guess it is nice."
Nicole is going to have an absolute field day once she realises that Jecka actually just admitted to not having a terrible time watching the nerd squad on the TV.
Perhaps, she thinks, all things considered, it might not be the worst outcome in the world.