Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Let's start with my favorite sassy and traumatized boy
Harry

He is a very much abused and unloved child, even if the abuse isn't referenced, i think
they did. That they forced him to do things with giving him a lasting and hurting punishment
is just not realistic. So i say they started "Punishing" him from when he was 5 to 7, idk
where precisly cause before 5 would feel wrong for even them and after would just be to
late of an effect. This makes harry very much aware of any possible physical contact, since
it used to always result in being hit or hurt. and since he was also beuing starved or just
not fed enough, he would also bruise very easily. as a baby they probably didn't feed him
more than they wanted or did much longer with stuff since they fed him so little, that he
probably also breaks bones more easily, just a bit. I do think he is more grown up than
is writen in the books, cause yes he would relax, but he think much more about things than
said in the books, even if he is impulsive. The logic thing is he just panics easily and
thinks the wrong thoughts that are less logical, making him do something stupid. talking
about panic, he would probably have had multiple panic attacks when he was young that
he would know how to calm down on his own a little bit, since he would know from 
experiencing it. He would also not grow so easily out of his trauma and fear of the dursleys
so easily, he would probably do that when he would be around 14/15, especially after the
tournament, maybe after third year with facing a werewolf and a 100 dementors. in the book
he was very fast over the dursleys for my taste, forgot the dursleys abuse and their hate
towards harry very fast when reading the books. this feels more realistic. 

now for his friend ships, i think he would have been more cross about befriending ron
after ron insults hermione and makes her cry, because he was also bullied. But he would
do as in the books nothing about it till the moment she runs away crying, where in most
other fanfics he snaps too. It's a reasonable moment. But i think in general he would be
hard to snap, cause he has been through a lot and the little malfoy insults are much lower
than the stuff the dursley's have probably said to him. Some may hit surpisingly deep, like 
insulting his friends or about his parents not wanting him, but even those grow old after use
1200 before the end of 2nd year. He would also have a very bad case of hero or 
sacrifce complex for his friends and would go out of the way to blame himself somehow
if they get hurt. There are enough examples of this in the book it would be weird not to just
be him, cause it is. 

Next, is my favorite number 1 harry supporter since 1991 and never stopped, not once
Hermione

She would have been bullied and excluded because of her high understanding of things
in her own class, but could always talk with the higher class students till she was in the last
class and everyone again couldnt follow her. She would feel understand by older people
but still feel left out cause they didn't include her cause she was so young, but also 
couldn't play with her classmates cause she was too smart and too "old". This also
concludes why she does most things herself and why she panicked in 3rd when Harry got
that firebolt cause she felt like again her yearmates and this time her friends wouldn't listen
and would this time get hurt or get killed, so went and hurried to much with getting
everyone safe and check the broom. This was wrong, but harry would this year forgive her
earlier, but without ron knowing, cause harry didnt wanna lose him, he wants both his
friends. She would feel conflicted, but understand harry since he really didnt have many 
friends who knew "just harry" and not the boy who lived. 

Chapter Text

Chapter One | Nightmare's aren't worth tears

Harry woke up with a gasp, wide eye's and sweat dripping from his forehead to his toes. He
was very alarmed, distressed and disoriented at where he was. He thought he was still in the
back of that alley a few days ago where Dudley always beat him up with his gang and he was
trying to calm down and stopped himself mere seconds before he would have screamed for
help. That would only result in the nightmare coming true, but instead of Dudley it would have
been uncle Vernon. He sat up straight and clutched his oversized shirt he wore and closed
his eyes to think about the few good moments he had.
The one time at miss Figgs where she
actually treated him better than normally; normally was still beter than what the Dursley's did;,
the one time he got a better mark than Dudley and he got praised for the first time and actually
felt like he could cry from being happy instead of pain.

He slowly calmed his breath, but still
felt his pain linger from that beating, but he also felt the pain on his arm from how he... distracted
himself from that. Slowly feeling better he decided he couldn't sleep anymore and would just wait
for Dudley to stomp down the stairs and "wake him up".
Harry looked around his room, as far as you can call it a room. It was a cupboard under the stairs
that was transformed into his room, but was mostly a place he was looked up in and slept when
he was done with his chores. It was very small and just fitted a mat in which was from a camping set
they owned, he got a very tiny fold up pillow which was also part of it, but didn't know it was
as soft as a plush. Harry felt very smug thinking they gave him a pleasure like that, although it
was unknowingly. There were some shelves above him with some chemicals and washing
chemicals on it. He thought if he slept in here since he was a baby, it was lucky he didn't got
a hold of one of those and drank some, since baby's don't usually care about what they eat
or drink.

He snickered to him self at how accurate that description fitted his uncle and nephew.

He started thinking of how things could be better.
If only they decided to allow harry to eat with them, if only Dudley didn't decided to
bully him for no reason, if only they would see him as a nephew and not as a worker. If only
they wouldn't find him a freak and make him suffer cause he was.
Quickly wiping his eyes to not start crying over something that wouldn't change he sighed and
lay back down and got his pillow; his only comfort in all his life; and gave it a "hug",
at least what he thought one was.
He didn't know what it was supposed to feel or look like, but this felt good and made him get
rid of some of that tension and fear he had still from his nightmare.

It hurt him again as he again didn't know something so simple that everyone always got or talked
about. Again poor little harry had to figure it all out for himself, like he did with so many things. He
Gripped his pillow harder and dug his nail into it.
The only thing he hated more than his supposed
family was the fact that he had to do it all on his own. Learn how to make his bed, when a clothes
change is needed, when and why showers are needed, how to read, how to walk.
At least with cooking he got some help from aunt petunia, if only it was for a little while. It felt forced
at first and he absolutely was scared to mess up and get hit again and aunt petunia didn't hit hard, but
hit where it hurt. After some time, it felt less forced and more like he was actually learning something,
like he was being taught. Aunt petunia even smiled sometimes he finished a meal. but only slightly
and when she thought harry wasn't looking.
But as soon when he turned six he was left alone, but aunt petunia still
looked from a distance, if only for a little. She said it was to make sure he didn't mess up, but he liked to
think it was cause she didn't want him to get hurt.

He again quickly rubbed his eyes and shook his head. He shouldn't dwell on that, he should know better
and not wish for his aunt to even look at him with that look of worry, if only even once. He
shouldn't wish for the gentle hand on his shoulder as he cooked the meal and she gave some
tips. He shouldn't hope for that aunt, cause wishes didn't come true.
He learned that quick enough after his 7th birthday, where he had wished that she would change
her mind and help him not mess up the dinners again.
That day he asked her too and he got a backhand form uncle Vernon for even insinuating that
she didn't teach him well. That day helped him for some other hard ones, but wasn't one
he wanted to remember.

Again closing his eyes,
he was counting the days till he was 18 and could move out, if he lived that far. Away from all the
diners he was forced too cook but never allowed to taste, all the "correcting" he needed, all the
hate he got for being born and away from the Dursley's.
Harry started fantasizing about a nice
apartment and it with no one but himself. it wasn't big or even normal, but it was at least a place
he could call home. Starting to smile he felt a stray tear roll down and allowed it to land on the pillow,
cause this WAS something he could cry about, something he truly wantend.

A home
Somewhere where no one would call him a freak
Where he would could make and also eat his meals he cooked
Where he could wake up 7 o'clock in the morning, like everyone else. instead of half 5 or 5
Where he wouldn't be afraid to slip up even a spot
Where he wouldn't be punished or beat for just forgetting or being too slow
Where he could be harry

Another tear hit the pillow and smiled at this thought

Nightmare's aren't worth tears, but dreams are.