Chapter Text
Once Lim felt the consciousness creeping in, and realised what she was waking up from, she tried to delay it. Suddenly not ready to face the world, her new reality, however that might look like. She felt the nervousness about the outcome, and inevitably, her future, in her stomach first. Her thoughts needed a couple of seconds to catch up. Everything felt too eerily similar to what had happened. She had been here before. Waking up hadn’t been the hard part. The moment she had realised something was wrong with her legs had been harder. She was a doctor, she had known what it meant, before Glassman tried to get her to move her feet again, or Murphy had muttered the words. The sad thing had been, it had felt just like another low blow. Something else coming up in her life, to push her back on every minor step she had taken to become her old, happy self again. What had been even sadder, was when realised she wasn’t even sure, when the last time had been when she had been truly happy and carefree. That had been years ago, so much she knew. But at that point not being able to move her legs had felt like yet another obstacle she had to overcome. Nothing new, something she had been used to all too well at that point in time. It took days for her grasp the true impact of it, simply because she had become so used to life throwing things at her, she hadn’t understood the scale of what she actually had to face.
Getting her mobility, her independence, taken away from her, meant also, she had lost the last thing in her life she had been sure about. Because no matter her flaws, she had been a great doctor, one of the best in her line of work. She had been a good chief, no matter what Claire had said. It had felt like the last straw she had been holding on, had crumbled as well. And it hadn’t come as a surprise. It had just aided to her feeling of defeat against life. Not that she would ever admit that out loud.
Audrey had known well that was expected from her in that situation. Take it all in stride. Excel PT and not let this drag her down. After all, Dr. Lim wasn’t known for backing down. It hadn’t been a question that she would give anyone reason to doubt her then. She had known what was to do. What the aim was. There had been an invisible guidance through it all, to be back in the OR. One single aim, she had never lost focus of, which everything else had paled against.
But now, laying here again, hearing the beeping of the machines, she realised, she could lose so much more, now. Again. Whether this surgery had been a success or a failure, it wasn’t only her job and mental health on the line. Now, for the first time in a long while, there was also a relationship at stake and, most importantly, her happiness. Because, she had been really happy. If the outcome of this surgery was about to change that, she wasn’t too sure how she would get back up again. The last years had already cost her enough strength to stay afloat. Knowing now that her own decision was the reason why it once again hadn’t worked out, that could be the thing to truly break her. Audrey just wasn’t ready to face it. So, she kept her eyes shut, willing her breath and pulse to stay clam. Irrational as it was, she wanted to draw out the inevitable. Wanted to live in the reality of being in a happy, healthy relationship, while living a mostly independent life a bit longer. The life where she smiled just because and could enjoy the little things, like the warm morning sun. And it was working, she could feel the sleep hazing her brain again, slowly drifting off.
But then she felt someone squeeze her hand. The whisper sounded somehow far away and close at once. “Look, I know I said I’ll be waiting. And I’m happy to wait longer. But could you please give us any indication you’re waking up? We’re getting to the point where we should be worried. No pressure though. You do you. I’ll be here no matter how long you need.”
Even if the voice hadn’t been in her life for long, she would recognise it anywhere. She didn’t want to worry Clay. And with that thought her eyes shot open, trying to find his face as soon as her vision started to clear. “No need to worry. A proposal won’t scare me in a coma.” She rasped, her mouth being too dry to sound like herself.
“Hey there. It’s good to see you.” Porter breathed out, smiling at her with a relieved face. “And I figured you’d be the kind of person to run away from a proposal instead of playing dead.” He added, hoping to cover his concern. She should have woken up two hours ago to be considered normal. Fifteen minutes ago, they had given her another half an hour before they would start the tests. So, to see her now with open eyes and obviously a clear mind, was a huge relief.
“Somehow I’m not seeing myself running any time soon.” Lim responded, surprised that her sarcasm wasn’t clouded with the nerves she was feeling. In that moment she realised, she would be okay, with not being able to run, if it meant everything else worked out. Especially if she wouldn’t lose Clay in that process.
“Please, we both know you don’t need working legs for that.” Porter grinned at her, continuing to smile, even when he saw the wheels start turning in her head and she was freaking out about the proposal. So, he squeezed her hand again, getting her attention. “Hey, no need to freak out. It’s not important, okay? You take all the time you need. Right now, there are more important things at hand, anyway. You’ve just had a major surgery after all.” He assured her and before either of them could say anything else, it seemed like the whole surgical team came swooping in the room. The tension leaving their faces, when they saw her in conversation with her partner.
Clay nodded at them and squeezed Audrey’s hand once more, before letting her go, making way for the others to get to her bed.
“You’re not leaving, are you?” Lim asked, her eyes following him, instead of focusing on her colleagues. Somehow, the outcome of the surgery didn’t matter as much as not doing this alone.
“Nope, still here. But a paediatrician isn’t really what’s needed right now. I’ll wait here in the corner.”
Lim took a deep breath, trying to get her head back in the game and read the room, before the tests started. Clay had only been worried about her waking up, it hadn’t felt like he was trying to hide something. There was a smile on Glassman’s face and Murphy hadn’t stormed in to do a test right away. Nor was she bombarded with procedural talk. The pain meds were doing their job, she wasn’t feeling any pain. Before she could assess what, she was feeling exactly, Shaun started talking. First declaring she had taken longer than usual to wake up, then continuing reciting how the surgery had gone by without any complications and since she had woken up in a still reasonable time frame, they weren’t too worried. It was Aaron who stepped in and started with the tests, knowing the chief cared more for the outcome than the procedure at that moment. But Audrey didn’t need any test, as soon as she focused on what was going on she realised she could feel the weight of the blanket on her legs. Could feel the hospital gown touching her thighs. Her head shot to her side, looking through the room, fanatically searching for Clay’s eyes only to find his gaze already lingering on her. “I think I can feel my legs.” She breathed out, loud enough for the whole team to hear, but in that moment, the only reaction that mattered to her, was Clay’s. She wasn’t too happy with herself that this was the first approval she was seeking, that his reaction mattered to her more than her own reaction. But as soon as she could see the worry falling off his face and the relief taking place in form of a happy smile, she could feel her own emotions following. Letting herself be happy about the fact. She figured, his words from earlier were true. She had just had major surgery. This was her priority right now. Her feelings about how important Clay’s part in all of this was, could wait. He promised her to be here and so far, he hadn’t let her down. So, she took in his support. It was easier to have someone by her side, someone who was just there for her. Who wasn’t her colleague or subordinate. Whose only reason to be here was she. No matter the outcome. She had to swallow hard, realising she hadn’t had someone like this in a very, very long time. Glassman saw the emotions on her face but misinterpreted them for her feelings about the surgery. He took her hand and gently said “Audrey, all of this is good news. Everything went as we hoped, and all the earlier tests showed the results we want them to show. We’ll give you some rest now, but by tomorrow morning, I’m sure we can do your final assessment, concluding it was a successful surgery.”
When her mentor took her hand, Audrey noticed it felt differently to when Clay was holding it. Great. So, it really was Clay who she was seeking and not just human contact. Deciding she couldn’t deal with this realisation now, she compartmentalised and thought through what she had just been told. “Tomorrow? Why wait so lon-?” The time frame didn’t make sense. She had been the last surgery, the plan being to wake up in the early morning hours and be moved sometime before noon and be assed at night. Her plan was to start with recovery the next day. When she looked through the room, it was bright, the afternoon sun could be seen. She had been in this room so many times, she could tell the time by light. Wow, she really had taken her time to wake up. Taking it all in again, she just nodded and thanked them again, instead of arguing for an earlier assessment. No matter how much she wanted to be done with this, she knew it was crucial to not rush anything now. There was a bit more going on, but Lim couldn’t really focus. Her head was all over the place. She was fine, she could feel the lower part of her body. Getting out of anaesthesia had just taken longer, but that wasn’t that much of a problem. It shouldn’t be a setback. She could feel her legs again. Suddenly, she tried to wiggle her toes. Just as she had been told to minutes earlier by Shaun. Something, she usually hadn’t even had to think about, now took a whole lot of work. But in the end, they moved. Again and again. Audrey was amazed by this feeling, so amazed, she didn’t hear the last words of what was being said. If it was important, she was sure it would be repeated. Or Clay would tell her. Right. Clay, who had been here, and from the look of his rumbled shirt, he had been here the whole time.
Once everyone made their way out of the room, the man of her thoughts took his place by the side of her bed, taking her hand again. “Shouldn’t you be at work?” Audrey asked, trying to start somewhere to sort her thoughts.
“I took the day off, I forgot to tell you yesterday.” Porter shrugged. This really wasn’t what was important to him right now. “So, how are you really? Your ‘I’m fine’, didn’t seem too convincing.”
“You shouldn’t have taken the day off.” Lim started to redirect the topic, but when she saw his raised eyebrow, she conceded and told him what she could. “Truth is, I don’t know how I’m feeling. I’m still pretty drugged up, right now I feel like I’m laying on foam. Once this feeling wears off, I can try to give you a better description. For now, I’m going with fine. Why did you take the day off?”
“Audrey, you don’t expect me to have my head in the game at work, when my girlfriend just came out of surgery? Or as it happened now, when you still hadn’t woken up? Look, you do what you need to do for you, and I do what I need to do for me. Work is fine, this isn’t something you have to worry about.” He told her gently, but determinedly. It still blew his mind, how she sometimes didn’t seem to get that she was more important than other things. But, he knew telling her this, would put too much pressure on her. And he figured, with the proposal, he had to dial it back a notch, otherwise she really would run. “And thanks for being honest, but what about your mind? You can feel your legs again and you’re just fine?”
Lim shot him a look, not really appreciating just how well he could read her within such little time. And worse, that he called her out on it. This man had some guts. But she wanted him here, wanted him to call her out. Her mind was a hypocrite. “It’s a lot. I told you I’m afraid of the changes. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Just because I can feel them and get my toes to move, doesn’t mean I’ll be able to walk. There’s still so much that could go wrong. I’m also nervous. I had stopped hoping, had come to accept it and now it’s so close again. You know?” She tried to explain her thoughts honestly. And then she remembered whom she was talking to. “And now I feel bad whining about it, after having made such a huge accomplishment and asking you to understand. Can we blame it on the meds?”
Clay just laughed and kissed her hand. “It’s fine. But there’s nothing to feel bad about. This isn’t about me. I have accepted my medical fate a long time ago, you don’t have to tiptoe around me with these issues. I just want you to do what’s right for you. And talk to me about it if you feel like it. We’re fine.” He promised her.
“You make it sound so easy.” Audrey mumbled, feeling herself getting tried again. Damn, they really had gotten her the good stuff. Perk of being their boss, probably.
“Who says it has to be hard? There’s enough hardship to come, we don’t have to make it harder. Let’s focus on you getting better, okay? I really prefer to see you in your own bed.” He told her with a smile in his voice, stroking her hand.
“I prefer seeing you in my bed.“ Lim shot back, focusing on that. Hoping this really hadn’t changed them and they’d get to have this again.
“That can be arranged, some time later this month.” Porter grinned at her, forcing his eyes to stay open and not shut at the thought of sleep. He was so tried and now that he knew Audrey was fine and his own adrenaline was wearing off, he knew he’d be dead asleep the moment he reached his couch. Clay didn’t want to leave his girlfriend, the thought of leaving her behind in the hospital felt wrong, but he also couldn’t wait to get home and sleep himself, but this would have to wait a few hours longer.
“You mean some time later this week.” Audrey corrected him, her raised eyebrow not having the effect it usually would.
Clay took a deep breath, he should have known Lim wouldn’t take it slow, still he had hoped. “Let’s get you out of here and once your wound is healed, we’ll see. Okay?” He tried to stay diplomatic, fully well knowing he couldn’t keep her in the hospital bed for the appropriate amount of time, if she felt otherwise.
“Sure, but that should be at the end of the week. Well, we’ll only be using the bed to sleep, nothing more. I didn’t think that would bother you.” Thanks to the pain meds, Lim couldn’t conceal that she was hurt by what he had just said.
“And it doesn’t. In my mind, I’m still hoping you’re doing the responsible thing and are staying a bit longer in the hospital. Until you’re secure enough to get around. I can’t really help with the walking and I doubt you’re getting home care.” He answered immediately, not allowing her to think what she was thinking any longer than needed, even though he knew this was bound to raise the discussion he had hoped to avoid for at least another day.
“I can still use my wheelchair, nothing has changed about that. If the post-op results are fine, I’ll be out here in two days at the latest. I can get to PT without any problems. There’s no need for me to stay here.” Audrey argued her voice getting a bit harder, she was actively fighting against the pain meds to make her point and be taken seriously.
“So, we’re just ignoring the fact that you had a major back surgery?” Clay asked, trying to stay calm, to not let his emotions take over. Still, he was hoping to make her see reason, remind her she wasn’t superwoman.
“Thank you for the reminder. But it seems you’re ignoring the fact that I’m a trained surgeon. I can take care of myself. I’ve been through that on my own before.” Her voice was getting colder and Porter knew he should shut up. But he couldn’t just let her do this to herself, without at least trying to make her see some reason that she could accept some help. They were talking about a couple of days, not months.
“I know you’re flexible and strong, but I still don’t think you can reach your own back.” He told her his voice not matching hers. Letting her know he wasn’t looking to fight, but he was concerned.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve managed fine the first time around, this time will be no different.” Audrey finally managed to get out of her hazy state and throw him the meaningful look she had wanted to, all along. She didn’t need anyone. Especially no one who thought of her as weak.
Clay stood her gaze, not looking away, letting a few moments pass by before saying softly “You do know it doesn’t have to be a repetition of the first time tough, right? You don’t have to do it alone, if you don’t want to.” His voice was so gentle and warm that Lim’s fight left her immediately.
“You don’t have to do that.” She mumbled, this time her own insecurities creeping up.
“I know I don’t. But I want to. I’ll be here every step of the way if that’s what you allow. If that’s what you want. That’s another reason I was hoping you’d be here a couple of days longer. I can’t take the next week off without any preamble. But the following week won’t be a problem. And no, I’m not doing this to hover. But we both know the first couple of days alone at home will be hard enough. I could take care of all the small things, so you can focus on just being home again.” He answered, trying to defuse the whole situation. He was still learning too, and Audrey made it really easy to get lost in debate.
“You really don’t need to do that. I’ll do PT here and work in between. If you can be there in the evenings, that would be enough.” Audrey answered, trying to let her appreciation show. Even if she couldn’t accept his offer.
“Okay. You’ve had a very long day. We don’t have to sort it all out now. Let’s focus on getting you to sit up and maybe they’ll let you stand for a bit tonight.” Clay answered instead.
“Now look who’s deflecting. I’ve slept most of the day. I’m feeling awake right now, so don’t hold back.” Lim dared him. It wasn’t that she wanted to fight, but she wanted to know where Porter stood. Her pride didn’t allow her to just ask what he was thinking, though.
“You’ve been a surgeon long enough. You know way better than me how important neuroplasticity is. You, sitting in your chair and working, won’t help you walk. We both know repeating the exercises especially in the first few months is key for the long-term outcome. But I’m not your doctor. If you think not giving your body a break and continuing like before is what you need, I won’t argue. I’ve told you, this is about you. I don’t want to fight. I want to support you. You tell me what you need. I won’t lie to you though and tell you that I think it’s healthy what you’re doing.” Clay told her, still standing her his ground, this thumb softly stroking the back of her hand. His soft movements a stark contrast to his words.
Lim took a couple of moments to consider what he had said. “We can talk about me getting back to work later and you taking some days off. But I need to get out of here, as soon as possible. Being here, being helped to go to the bathroom and all that, it doesn’t help me feel strong. But that’s what I need. Can you understand that?” Her answer was so honest and raw, she was surprised with herself. Damn, her therapist really was worth her money.
In response, Clay just gave her a big smile. “That sounds like a plan. Anything you need right now?”
“Honestly, I’m tried and nervous. I think I’ll try to get some sleep again. Hoping the time until I can sit up goes by faster.” She admitted, squeezing his hand.
“Sure. I think it’s time to take my leave now as well. Everyone was way nicer than they should have been, considering I shouldn’t have been here at all.” Porter grinned a bit cheekily. There were definitely plus sides to her being the chief and patient at the same time. “What is it?” He asked, when he saw she didn’t look too happy.
Lim took a moment to understand why she had started feeling the dread. “Would you come back later? When it’s time for me to sit up and maybe stand?” Asking this wasn’t easy for her. Especially since she wasn’t sure if she wanted him there to see her success, or in case it hadn’t worked out -failure, meaning she would have to face yet another uncertain reality.
“Of course. I’ll just try to catch a couple of hours of sleep, get a shower and bring some food back with me. That sound okay?” He agreed immediately, he was glad she had asked, sparing him to bring it up. He knew there would be a time, very soon, when she needed to be alone. But right now, he was happy about all the time he could get with her.
“That sounds perfect. Thank you.” Audrey squeezed his hand again, her eyes letting him know just how grateful she was for everything he was doing for her.