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“Flowers look good on you!” I said as I watched you beautifully and elegantly spin around your bedroom while looking at your reflection in the vanity mirror.
“You think?” You raised an eyebrow as you patted down your yellow off the shoulder ruffled floral dress and posed some more in the mirror. You bit the inside of your mouth, contemplating for a moment before you took the yellow garden rose I gave you from out of your hair, and placed it behind your ear to blend in with your side part.
You released a fresh breath of air and spun around once more, your brunette curls swaying in the air and your ruffled dress swaying along with them. “How do you like it?”
I smiled softly, placing both my hands down on the fabric of the blankets on your bed as I sat up straight to give you a direct answer.
“Anne, you look absolutely gorgeous.”
You stared at me for a moment, looking like you were gathering your thoughts, your face turning a deep shade of red all the while doing it. You tightly clutched your dress with both of your hands, tilted your head, and flashed me a toothy grin.
You always tilted your head whenever you smiled, and every single time, it never failed to entrap me.
I miss that smile.
We were all so happy. I’ve never ever had one person have that much of an impact on me. I had always closed myself off from everyone out of fear of getting attached and then getting abandoned. I never let anyone have my heart. But you? I don’t know how you got in there. You just did. You’re like a bullet, you forced yourself right through my heart even when I tried to push you away.
I broke a piece of my heart off and shared it with you.
You always have a way of getting into peoples hearts.
Too bad I’ll never feel you there again. It’s like the “bullet” that you were supposed is just gone, and has left a big hole that can’t and will never be filled. Maybe my mother was right when she said those harsh things to me and wasn’t just being cruel because I’m a reminder of herself.
“You will never have anything good, you’re worthless. And if you do get anything good, it will come with a price. A price that will haunt you forever.”
I will forever hate my mother for cursing me with those words.
You were my good thing. Never ever did the thought of your life being the price to pay EVER cross my mind.
Sad huh?
You never know the “why” when it comes to these types of situations.
You’re left with so many unanswered questions and you’ll never get the closure you need to finally be at peace. You can go to people to feel better about it, but the same feeling just comes back as time passes by… The only thing you can really do is go to the main source of the situation if you really want that closure.
But what if that main source is long gone?
I know, it isn’t fair at all. But life isn’t fair, we don’t always get what we want.
The world takes good things away from you and just won’t let you live afterwards, it just has to taunt you and make you feel worse. Every single day I’m reminded of what you once were. Whether it’s your favorite k-pop songs, your clothing style, your favorite color, or even the food you like. Or on a hot day I see you sitting on the stoop in front of my house covered in sweat while in your tennis practice outfit. And just like always, when you notice me standing there, you stare at me for a while, tilt your head, and flash me that same toothy grin that entraps me each time I see it. It always happens, every time tears fill my eyes and I run up to hug you, you vanish in thin air. Leaving me feeling lost and helpless.
It’s like the world just won’t let me be at peace, reminding me of you everywhere I go. I feel like the whole world is against me. Why me?
But like I said, you never know the “why” when it comes to these types of situations.
It’s like the world knows that I’ll never be able to come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer by my side anymore so it makes me see little pieces of you everywhere I go.
It’s so unfair.
But then again, I can’t be selfish.
I’m not the only one who was affected by this. I can only imagine what your parents are going through. Having to deal with their daughter going missing for almost a year in another realm and once they finally get her back, she’s gone for good? Like I said, you’ve always had a way of getting into peoples hearts. School is like a dry desert now. No water, no emotion, it’s just dry and miserable.
Maggie, even though she picked on you and you guys were kind of frenemies, you still managed to share some of your love with Maggie. I could tell, Maggie missed the constant fighting between you two. She missed the tripping each other in the hall or spitting tiny paper balls at each other through straws while in class and laughing about it. She missed robbing you of the Thai food your mother made you. She would always act like the food was disgusting, but she somehow always ended up devouring everything in three whole bites. The math teacher too, the same teacher that always had to deal with you and Maggie bickering during class was the same teacher that you shared your love with. He can’t deny, although you were annoying and always played video games in his class and ran out every time you got caught, you were his favorite student.
He was looking forward to seeing you graduate and make it past eight grade.
He isn’t even passionate about teaching anymore, your loss really fucked him up Anne.
It’s like everyone was affected by your loss.
Even the street cat you always used to pet seems a little out of it lately.
Just imagine how Sprig would feel.
Spranne against the world, remember?
Marcy too, none of the things that she took passion in before interest her anymore. She never really expressed it out of embarrassment, but she secretly loved seeing you act a fool and get off task whenever you two had study sessions. She loved hearing that one little yell you did with your raspy voice whenever you saw or heard something that shocked you, it was always so funny for her to hear. She missed doing cart riding in the mall, she missed doing bad things in the school hallway. She missed people saying “where’s the other one?” whenever people saw the two of us without you. She missed being called “the calamity trio” by the whole school because we always screwed something up in the stupidest way, one way or another.
The calamity trio isn’t complete without you.
We miss you.
You stole me from myself.
I’ll never be that me again.
Why did you do it?
Why didn’t you tell anyone?
We would have went out of our way to make sure to be the best support we could for you.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.
But know I’m going to have to try. There's more to life and I can't stay stuck on something I can't change.
Maybe in another universe we’ll be able to have the bond we so desperately desired.
But why?
Why not this one?
You’re gone forever, and I’ll never see you again. That’s just the reality of it.
It has caused me so much pain. Every single day I feel the need to throw up and my head spins at the thought of you.
Ugh. Why did you have to be so kind to me?
I love you so much I wish I never met you.
I should have never gotten those bullies out of your swings at the playground when we were little.
I should have never accepted your request to be friends with you and Marcy.
I wish I never met you.
Then this wouldn’t hurt so much.
You’re no longer here, I can’t love you anymore. I can only love the idea of what you used to be.
I will never get to see you grow into a fine young woman. Just like in your words you said, change can be difficult, but it's how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can't hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go; but, of the things you let go, you'd be surprised what makes its way back to you.
I wish I could be there by your side every step of the way as you grow older and change.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I never met you.
…
I wish I never met you.
I should have been smarter than that. I should have looked deeper into your weird behavior. I should have asked questions instead of brushing it off when you started being extra kind and giving me and Marcy all of your things. I should have known to be more concerned when you told me those scars on your wrists were from your cat Domino. I should have known.
I should have known that from the day you stared at me for a moment, tilted your head, flashed me that same toothy grin, and said “thank you for letting me into your life” that was where it would all go wrong from there.
I should have known that when I walked into your bedroom on the day you were absent from school without telling anyone, something was terribly wrong. I remember watching as you peacefully slept in your bed. I should have trusted the god awful feeling in my stomach telling me that something wasn’t right at all. I should have payed more attention to the pills sitting on your dresser. I should have been more concerned when I felt the cold touch of your skin when it’s usually as hot as the sun. I should have been more concerned about the pale look of your skin when it usually tanned instead of brushing it off as overthinking. I should have checked your pulse. Maybe there’s a chance you would still be here with me today.
I should have listened to the signs.
The signs were as clear as day.
It was a cry for help.
And yet, no one noticed.
I can only imagine how alone you felt.
No amount of words in the entire world will ever hurt me ad much as the words in your suicide note did.
I’m so sorry Anne.
I’ll never forgive myself.
I sit on the grass of the graveyard as the final few seconds of the last episode of “Love Choice 2” played from my phone. As the episode was ending, a tear fell down my face, in which I used my hand to wipe away. I remember you were so mad when the first season left you on a cliffhanger, I know you would have looked forward to seeing the second season.
I stared at your name carved into the tombstone. ‘Anne-Savisa-Boonchuy, June 28, 2006.’
I let out a hard sigh as more tears fell down my face in which I struggled to hold back. I held a large bouquet of yellow garden roses in my trembling hands, just like the flower I had given you to put in your hair. I know yellow is your favorite color. I knew if you were here, you would cherish these flowers until the day you died. For a while, I stared down at the flowers, just like you used to do before you beautifully smiled at me. Soon enough, I gently placed them down onto your grave. Not really knowing what to say, I said the first thing that came to mind. I sniffled; and opened my mouth.
“Flowers look good on you.”