Chapter Text
N tears his calendar in half, leaving only the days up to October 15th. The days leading up have events written in including quit job, sell belongings, and bank. On the 15th are the words Last day written in orange and circled in red.
On the 13th N wakes up and prepares to tell his employer that he’s quitting. He rubs his gloved right thumb over his left palm, but it does nothing to calm his nerves. N can’t seem to look his elder in his eyes, instead drifting to stare at the boxes that surround him. He knows which ones he stacked because he made sure to match the edges perfectly, in hopes that he could just do that right. He doesn’t register the words coming out of his mouth as they’re so well practiced from his bike ride there
The elder thanks him for his work at the company and gives him a sympathetic smile, scratching the back of his neck with a rubbery noise as his orange gloves slide against his skin. N never even took note of his nametag, and before he leaves he makes a note in his head to remember that his boss’ name was Tony.
He takes off his green apron and matching hat to hang on a hook, never to be touched by his hands again. N turns around one last time at what would be his only place of employment. In all his 17 years of life all that he could muster up was a seasonal job at a shipping company, though he was surrounded by great people, great people he kept at arm's length. These people with lives and children, these people who had people to care about and who cared about them.
N almost felt like his life revolved around pivotal moments, mistakes he’s made that he can’t change, regrets he’s committed that felt like the end of the world. Sometimes he wished they were.
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On the 14th N wakes up to a ringing on the phone. He picks his heavy body off his mattress sitting on the floor and makes his way downstairs, locking eyes with his older sister Tessa as she cuts a young girl’s hair. His eyes linger on the life the girl has, at the smile that pulls at her cheeks and the glint that shines in her eyes as she sits in the decades old barber’s chair much too big for a girl her age. He imagines that he’s had that experience too, being in a place much too big for himself. Being in a place not for himself.
N waves hi to the both of them and moves to go out the front door to the garage where he’d put all his personal belongings the night before, directly after he’d quit his job. There is a man waiting there, an older man whose face holds lines where he’s smiled in his life. Each line illustrates a time where he’s loved. Crow’s feet protrude from the corners of his eyes, wrinkling ever so slightly as N smiles at the man in a friendly manner. N grabs his things, which is everything but his desk, mattress, and blanket, and helps the older man load it onto a trailer attached to the elder’s truck.
By the time they’re done neither had said a word, both already knowing why the other was there and not needing to dig further than that. Oddly, N is grateful for that. Oddly, N feels he should have said something.
He leans against the wood of his sister’s house/salon and watches as the man leaves, creating a trail of smog as the man goes.
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On the 14th N goes to the bank, drawing out all the money he had stored in his account. There was quite a lot, he didn’t go out to eat like the other kids would with their friends. He didn’t hang out at cat cafes like the other kids did. He didn’t go to theme parks like other kids did. He didn’t go to interactive museums like other kids did. He didn’t go to aquariums like other kids did. Those were social places that you would go to with other people. He had a reason he didn’t go.
He walked home with the money stored safely in his backpack, still dressed in his school uniform. N walked by countless people, many of them standing over a bridge tearing bread from a loaf and tossing it in for the fishes.
N has never bought bread for anyone but himself.
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On the 15th N wakes up to his phone alarm softly buzzing under his pillow. He wakes up early, gels his natural white-silver hair into the stiff peaks that he used to. N pulls on dress pants and a nice white button up shirt, bought but never before worn for years. He pulls on a suit vest, one he still had from his parent’s funeral 3 years ago. It fits well despite being years old and a little wrinkled. In his pocket remained two necklaces, both of which had not been touched since the day the vest was hung up, forever locked out of N’s sight.
Before he leaves he sneaks into his sister’s room. Her room was not a total mess, it was disorganized yes but it was not a mess like his room had been before he sold everything. Her room was filled with yellows, hair products, bows, and plants. Carefully, N tiptoed over the items strewn across his older sister’s floor. He was careful to not make noise, he wouldn’t know how to explain himself if she had woken up.
N carefully placed an envelope with all his withdrawn money next to where Tessa slept and for a second he paused in thought. For a second he hesitated. Only a second.
Carefully he tiptoes over stuffed animals he’d gifted her, books he lended her, and drawings Cyn drew for her before leaving Tessa’s house.
He makes his way to the bridge he used to take to school, the one he remembers his mother holding his hand tightly as they crossed. At that time the railing was so tall he was not even eye level with it yet, but his mother was a cautious woman. As N walks across the bridge to the center he occasionally leans his hips against the railing, feeling if they could hold his grown body with his full weight atop it. The railings hold. His mother had nothing to fear.
N reaches the center of the bridge and makes his move to climb atop the railing, his heart beat blocking the sound of the rushing river below him, the sound of water hitting rocks and stones almost as loud as if he were standing right next to the shoreline. The world was nothing to him as he lifted his right leg over the railing, his intent made clear to anyone who would see- if anyone was up at 5 am on an October sunday, crossing a run down abandoned bridge.
N imagines the dive his body would take, imagines what first he would feel when he hit the water. He imagines if maybe he’d hit a rock first, if maybe the water wouldn’t end him like how he’d been thinking, if instead his fate would be in line with a bloodied stone instead.
Just before he lifts his whole body up on the railing he feels something slip out of his pocket, snapping him out of his head. He looks down and sees the two necklaces on the sidewalk, dangerously close to falling under the railing and into the rushing waves below him. Suddenly his heart beat was louder than it was before, suddenly his heart beat mattered.
He picked up the two necklaces and walked back to his sister’s house and got back in bed, atop his bare mattress and with one more regret he didn’t have before.