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Oh, Change, you're trying to build up the courage to stop stammering and just say it but you can't, not with the heat building up in your face and your heart thudding in your chest and the way Sif is looking at you like... like...
You have no clue what to make of that look, actually. It's like he's trying to hold one expression on his face, blank and neutral, but that's not how he actually feels because he's twitching with impatience, irritation, disgust? No, no no, Isabeau, you're reading too much into it, you know assuming how others feel isn't a great move, just SAY IT--
And then they smile at you. It's an awful, stiff smile, not their real one at all. "Will this be quick?"
Any scrap of courage you could have claimed abandons you then and there. You've already been stammering and stuttering so the question just sounds mocking. Of course it won't be quick. You're wasting their time.
(How long have they known?)
(How long have they been irritated by you?)
You bluster about how you're going to return to Jouvente and they should come visit you sometime. They nod, smile still pasted on.
Then they walk away.
Man. You thought you were Rock type, but apparently your heart's Paper because that failure just left it in a thousand shreds. You always knew you could be rejected. You kind of expected to be rejected. Siffrin's way too much a free spirit to be tied down. You knew it could be painful and awkward, that's why you kept chickening out. You like being friends with them. You don't want to ruin that.
But even in your worst case scenarios, you didn't think Sif would be mean about it. Not on purpose. That just...wasn't like Sif.
...
Maybe you're reading too much into what happened? He definitely seemed irritated. But was he irritated at you? There have been moments throughout the House where Sif felt...off. It's been a stressful day, and just because you dealt with the root of the problem doesn't mean that's all vanished in an instant.
It's not always about you. You're a lot better at remembering that now compared to the days when the slightest hint of annoyance from another made you want to crawl into a hole, but apparently you still forget sometimes. Sif's been having a bad day. They probably didn't realize how important this was to you. Don't make their bad day about you.
...Unless he's chatting happily with everyone else and it is just you.
You have to push yourself to look up. As much as you want to know, you're afraid of hurting your heart again if Siffrin really does just hate you (for loving them? or for being a coward about it?) But you manage to lift your eyes and find Siffrin in the open hall.
Your stomach feels hollow. Not because they're smiling and laughing and happy to not be dealing with you, no. You feel like you've been scraped out because Siffrin is standing in front of the Head Housemaiden, and she's doubled over, crying as she grips their shoulders, and they're just staring ahead like she doesn't exist. More dead-eyed than the fish head you ate earlier.
That's not like Siffrin.
That's so not Siffrin you don't know what it is, just that it isn't like them.
Sometimes you read too much into things.
Right now, thinking of every little odd instance with Siffrin today, the smiles that vanished as soon as they thought people weren't looking, the awkward silences where there'd usually be jokes, you think, you didn't read enough.
You want to call out to them but your throat is strangling itself and this time it's not your cowardice, there's a weird pressure in the air, and as the smell of rotting strawberries hits you so does the fear--all this time you were worried about making your friendship awkward, but maybe
you've already
lost
your
frien%$((--
You're near the Favor Tree, trying to sort out your thoughts, when Siffrin appears in front of you. "Isa."
Wow, that's lackluster for Siffrin, and you give them a sympathetic grin. So even they're having a little nerves today, huh? "Sif. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today? I get it." Maybe they'll appreciate a distraction. "Anyway, I was just looking at the Favor Tree! Isn't this tree cool???"
They make a TREE-mendously funny pun, so they can't be in that bad a mood. You laugh and move to clap a hand on their shoulder. But you remember! You remember, just in time. Siffrin hates being touched. You take your hand back. "Haha...that was funny."
Still, you want to hold them. You want to make sure they're okay.
To make sure they're okay...from waking up a little grouchy? Wow, that's a poor excuse. You can help them by respecting their boundaries. "I'm gonna go so you can do your thing with the tree, but did you want to talk first?"
Hm. Maybe Sif's still feeling a little groggy, because the smile they give you is kind of. Just a little off? "Nope."
Yeah, they definitely woke up wrong, but that's not too unusual. They always come back to the land of the living, but sometimes it just takes them a little longer. "Okay! See you at the Clocktower later!"