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From: Sense
To: Fern
(Personal)
Fern, as the long-term companion of an elf, how do you cope with times when she is angry or abusive for weeks on end?
I hope you do not mind my writing to you out of the blue, on such a delicate subject no less, but I have nowhere else to turn.
From: Fern
To: Sense
Honored Sense-sama,
Frieren-sama has many flaws. She is lazy, spoiled, gets up late, spends our money on frivolous things, wastes weeks or months if I do not check her, is prone to avoiding fights that could help people, and for an elf with supposedly low reproductive instinct, is surprisingly perverted. She drools in her sleep and steals our blankets. She is bad at understanding people, and thinks she is even worse than she is. She throws me into frightening fights without assuring me that she has my back.
But she has never been abusive. I do not think she has ever even
raised her voice in anger to me, nor said an unkind
intentionally unkind word. And even those fights, I am now sure are from
her confidence in me rather than a disregard for my life. Though I still
fear that her confidence exceeds my ability to live up to it.
So I am so sorry. I wish I could help you, but my experience gives me no special ability to do so.
Is it safe to be talking about this in this manner?
From: Sense
To: Fern
(Personal)
Dear Fern,
Do you have room for another apprentice?
…I don’t really mean that. There is so much to learn from Serie-sama, and she is not a bad teacher. Or, rather, she teaches effectively. But… even at the best of times, she is acerbic, and leaves us always feeling like we disappoint her. I do not know if we truly do so, or if she fears that too much praise will cause us to slack off, but it is hard either way.
And this is not the best of times. Ever since we heard about Weise, she has been in a foul mood. I do not understand why, except that it involves Frieren-sama. I am not sure she understands why. But even for her she has been foul, bitter, and painfully sarcastic, in person and in her messages.
I am sorry to burden you with my problems.
It should be safe. After our previous exchange of letters, I had a long discussion with her, and she agreed not to spy on letters marked as personal. She can be a difficult person, but I trust her not to lie on important matters such as this.
On a lighter note, Fern, you call your master spoiled. Yet is it not you who spoils her? Or did she come to you that way?
And the two of you seem as close as rumored, or closer! If she steals your blankets, does that mean you sleep together? Forgive my prurient curiosity, but you did bring it up yourself.
From: Fern
To: Sense
(Personal)
Honored Sense-sama,
We do not sleep together like that! Even if But
on our journey we often camp out in the cold, or in cold cabins without
beds, and then we bundle together for warmth. And I eventually learned
to wrap her up in her own blanket first, so that she cannot roll away
with all the rest.
You say rumored. Are people in fact talking about us? Methode-sama said as much, but I did not want to talk to her. I find the thought of such rumors distressing. How can we stop them?
I suppose Eisen-sama was indeed right, that I do have a good master. I am sorry again for your difficulties. I have not received any messages from Serie-sama so I do not know what she is like now.
And I suppose you are right, too, that I am the one who spoils my master. Or, perhaps, that I have changed how she was spoiled. Left to her own devices, she rarely gets up before noon, and she tells me that the Hero Party tolerated this. (Perhaps this is why their journey took ten years!) Early in our travels together we stopped in a village in the Glanz channel, and she took on a task that would take us months. Not wishing to spend even longer there, I began to force her awake in the mornings, to feed and dress her. It was not spoiling then; I would have been happier if she simply got up on her own, and she would have been happier if I left her alone.
But I suppose we have grown into it. Now I usually find it pleasant and natural, and she expects it of me as well.
Still, I am glad that the period of analyzing Macht’s memories is over. Taking care of her day and night, for so long, was exhausting even for me.
But come to think of it, she did as much for Heiter-sama, for nearly two years before he died, so that I would not have to. So I should not be so selfish as to begrudge her a couple of months.
(He was the one who saved me, my guardian.)
If Serie-sama is so difficult to manage, how do you keep her from wasting time? From deciding to spend ten years on some trivial project?
From: Sense
To: Fern
(Personal)
Dear Fern,
Forgive my presumption. I understand your situation better. I fear you cannot stop rumors; people will talk as they please. And as I am at the center of the Association, (and, in this matter, also trusted by Denken-dono), I am in a unique position to collect gossip, though I rarely share it.
But if you do not wish to feed the rumors, be careful with whom you speak of sleeping together and dressing her! Such words lead easily to misunderstanding. I shall tell no one. But I am grateful for your trust, that you tell me such things; it is fascinating to learn more about a different elf. And about you.
Serie-sama hasn’t written you directly, has she? Trust me, that is just as well right now. If you run into Denken-dono again… talk to him about something other than her.
But if your elf is never angry with you, my elf at least does not waste time. She in no way hides that the millennia stretch behind and before her, and that we are all naught but mayflies who provide fleeting amusement to her. (So you would think she would not be so quick to alienate your master, as immortal as she!) But she lives her days impeccably by human standards. Or at least I have had no complaint there, and I think Lernen has not either.
Fern, you seem to shroud yourself in formality toward everyone. If that is truly what you are most comfortable with, then let me not disturb your peace! But if you wish to relax, be it ever so slightly, please feel at liberty to do so with me.
That was Heiter of the Hero Party? Would you tell me more about how you met him and your master? I am intrigued but disturbed by your saying he saved you.
Respectfully yours,
Sense
From: Fern
To: Sense
(Personal)
Dear Sense-sama,
It is interesting to compare elf-tales, is it not? I have known only one other elf, a Monk Kraft we met in the mountains, and spent six months with trapped through the winter. He was very different again. For one thing, he was huge! Frieren-sama barely came up to his elbow! And he was far stronger than Stark-sama, and Stark-sama is an utter monster.
Kraft-sama called my master young; I have no idea how old he was, I never dared to ask. But though millennia were behind him, he too seemed to live his life at a normal pace. Perhaps it is only Frieren-sama who is so flighty. Though, she has told me of other elves who would waste even more time than she. Tell me, does the name Milliarde mean anything to you, or to your master?
I was born in the south. I think we were well off, and my parents
loved me. But war came, leaving only me, as a small child of five. I was
in despair, but somehow Heiter-sama found me and adopted me, and taught
me the rudiments of magic, including ma. We lived in a good
house but a bit into the woods on the edge of the Holy City, so I rarely
saw other people. When I was almost nine, Frieren-sama came to visit
him, and he tricked her – yes, tricked! – into staying a while and
teaching me. She was dutiful, but cold compared to my guardian. I tried
to think of her as an aunt, sometimes, but it was hard.
After I turned fifteen he died, but I had finally become strong enough that I would not be too much of a burden on her, and we began our travels together. I had gone into the city to get certified as a mage, so in theory I had met my goal of being able to support myself, to justify Heiter-sama’s effort in saving me, but in growth I was still a child, so I was very glad that she let me accompany her. It was frightening to lose my home, but we had no choice; the house belonged to the Church. Some stability would have been nice, though seeing more of the world was also good, though much of it was small villages and random tasks paid for in grimoires of random magic.
I am sorry, now that you have asked about myself I feel I could go on talking forever, but it is late. Has my writing changed? After observing our correspondence Frieren-sama bought me a book of letters in the last town, and I wonder if the style is rubbing off on me.
Oh, I am twenty now Sorry, you know that, you know
everything the Association knows about me.
Respectfully yours,
Fern
From: Sense
To: Fern
(Personal)
Dear Fern,
Another elf! How delightful. You are one up on me. I wonder, are elf men and women so different in size, or it is it merely coincidence? Perhaps I shall ask Serie-sama… some other time. Likewise about this ‘Milliarde’. My master is teaching magic again, if frostily, and I fear disturbing what equilibrium she has achieved.
I am so glad you told me more about yourself. I should do the same, but my time is limited tonight. But in short, I am nearly thirty-six, from the town of Glasschmiede well east of Äußerst. I like my family, but have not seen them in a while. We were rich enough that I never learned to sew, as Ubel once observed about me. I became first-class at twenty, and Serie-sama promptly drafted me for the next exams. Our philosophies are completely opposed, but it is like she has weaponized my pacifism to select for better battle mages. I am still disturbed by this, but see no alternative.
And I should admit I became pacifist after I had already become a first-class mage, and obtained my privilege. I obtained what I sought, but realized I had lost too much in the process.
I just realized that I have been with her about as long as you have with Frieren-sama, perhaps a bit longer, though not nearly as intimately.
I remember that you told me in the dungeon that you became a mage to repay someone. That must have been Heiter. I’m sure he would be most proud of you, you are an amazing young woman.
I have to go soon, but there is something I have to ask, though I may
be stepping beyond my place. Fern-chan, have your
circumstances allowed you to have friends? Your life has been
extraordinary, but I fear it has been too much so. Please reassure
me.
Either way, please, consider me your friend, if you so wish.
Fondly yours,
Sense
From: Fern
To: Sense
(Personal)
Dear Sense-sama,
Does Serie-sama hold you when you cry? Does she comfort you when you are sad? I expect not.
Your question broke me. Because no, my circumstances have not allowed me, I was shocked to confront it so directly, and I broke down feeling sorry for myself. Frieren-sama held me close as I sobbed, whispering the worried noises she makes, though she did not understand what was wrong. That is no discredit to her, for once, for I did not tell her. I was reluctant to say it out loud, and I realized that I did not want to make her feel guilty – for after all, she is the cause of much of those circumstances.
As I told you, I lost my first home, and whatever friends I had then; I hardly remember even my parents, now. Then I grew up in near isolation. It was not too far to walk into the city at need, but certainly too far for a small child to easily meet other children, such as even exist in the Holy City half-full of celibate priests. And I was a quiet and awkward child, determined to make myself independent before my new father died.
Does that sound morbid? I think it does. But he was already in his 90s when he found me, while Himmel-sama died at 76. It is almost a miracle that Heiter-sama lasted as long as he did, into his 100s. So even as a small child I knew that my savior did not have long.
Perhaps that is part of why I am so attached to Frieren-sama. I would like to be outlived, for once. She certainly will not age on me, and anything that can kill her will likely kill me as well.
Perhaps I am truly morbid after all. But I lost my parents and nearly committed suicide when I was five. (I did not tell you that before, did I?) My life is morbid.
I am sorry, I keep dumping things on you. I fear driving you away. But tonight I feel like one of those heroines in sensational novels, mad with grief and passion.
After he died, well, I trotted along after Frieren-sama. She was a good teacher, but not warm or inquisitive about me. And moving around all the time is hardly conducive to making new friends. Or when we did stay in places… first, six months in a very small village, with few children in it. I was mostly with my master, and they shunned me anyway. Looking back, I suppose that is only natural in many ways – I was a full mage by an elf’s side, older and more weary than the children my size, more physically immature than most youths my age. But at any rate – no friends there. Then 5 months in the beach village where I started ‘spoiling’ Frieren-sama. The people were friendly, but I became close to none.
And so on. Passing through many places, lingering briefly in a few.
Oh, Kraft-sama. Six months with him, in a little cabin. He was a devout follower of the Goddess, so we had that in common, and would read scriptures together. I think that is friendship of a sort?
And Stark-sama, of course. We have traveled together three years now. I suppose it would be mean to not call him a friend, of sorts. I do care for him, and I believe he cares for me. We have saved each other’s lives! But I could not open my heart to him as I have done to you.
So, no, no friends. I would welcome being friends with you, Sense-sama, if you will still have me.
Tearfully yours,
Fern
P.S. Is that too forward? I fear it is.
P.P.S. I did enjoy hanging out with Kanne-san and Lawine-san, one day in Ausserts. Do you know how they are doing?
From: Sense
To: Fern
(Personal)
Dear, dearest Fern,
It is not too forward, and I am sorry for making you cry.
Your words and feelings are precious to me, and I am glad you have shared them with me.
I feel I am both better and worse off than you. I have not suffered your losses. My family lives, and I love them. Yet I have in a sense lost them by my own choices, cast them away by my passion to pursue magic, which has left me accompanying Serie-sama for twelve years. My peers are other first-class mages, driven to surpass others even at the cost of killing, to obtain Serie-sama’s ‘privilege’. Such people do not make good companions or friends; even Serie-sama has bemoaned that they – we – can barely cooperate.
Which is to say, I think you are better off in friendship than I am, now. There are different kinds of friendship, and surely your master and this Stark are both friends of yours, as was Kraft.
But, Fern-chan, I urge you not to hide your heart from Frieren-sama. From all that I have seen and heard, from all that you have told me, I feel certain that she loves you, in her inscrutable elf way. That is a precious gift. Do not waste it.
Please pass my enclosed note to Frieren-sama. For her eyes only.
I have included a letter from Kanne. I hope it brings you joy.
Your friend,
Sense
Dear Fern!
The most amazing thing happened today!! Sense-sama came to our home and said you had asked about us, and she offered to send a reply back to you! I had no idea she was a nice person! I am taking charge of writing the letter, because I am better at talking to people.
But seriously, Sense-sama was so scary in the exam! And she serves at Serie-sama’s right hand! And Lawine is *** scared of her because Sense’s clone nearly killed her.
(If you see an inkblot it’s because Lawine tried to fight me for the pen. But this is my letter, she can write her own if she wants.)
It’s too bad we can’t write you directly, but I guess the fast Association mail is only for the 1st class mages??? Oh, Lawine says also for 2nd class mages on Association business. But that isn’t either of us. Do you think Sense would be willing to keep passing letters?! Have you been writing her long? What’s she really like?
Lawine is too polite ** and didn’t ask Sense any questions. I would have been much nosier! So we don’t know anything about you. Except for the Weise thing. How are you and Frieren and Stark? Where are you? I wish Frieren and you could have stayed here.
Lawine says to tell you about ourselves. The next exam for second class mages is coming up soon, and we have been studying for it. I’m pretty nervous! At least I don’t think we’re at risk of being killed? I don’t think I want to ever try the first class exam again. But Lawine is determined to do better than her brothers.
Oh! You don’t even know! Lawine and I started going out!! And living together. *** *** *** Lawine doesn’t want me saying more than that, she’s *** embarrassed.
Gosh, it’s been two years, I don’t know what else to say. Lawine says I shouldn’t try to say everything at once.
Well okay, I’ll let her take over.
Love, Kanne <3
Dear Fern,
It is most odd. Now that I am sitting down and holding the pen, the
thoughts words that I thought I had in mind, flee away from
me. Kanne truly is better with people. Or at simply saying whatever is
on her mind.
I am not scared of Sense. But it is still disturbing to see her.
I hope we are not imposing on you. We did not know each other very long at all, and Sense-sama only said that you had asked after us. But you and Frieren-sama made a deep impression on us, especially on Kanne. And she saved our lives. Neither of us will forget that.
Kanne mentioned Weise. Among the right circles, there is in fact much talk about you two, especially your master. To liberate a whole city and its lands – to lift a curse impossible for both Serie-sama and the magic of the Goddess – people can hardly stop talking about her. You may find on your return that she is no longer Frieren of the Hero Party here, but Frieren of the Golden Land. (I imagine that must be even more true in Weise itself!)
(I hope she got rewarded. Heroism is all well and good, but to liberate a whole city? And to restore trade routes? Even a tiny fraction of that worth should keep you in food money forever.)
*** Kanne wants me to tell you about some new pastries. I shall not.
Rumor says that you killed a Great Demon yourself, too. Is that true? Perhaps I should indeed ask Sense some questions, as I expect she knows what is true and what is mere rumor.
I fear this is far too long, for an unsolicited letter. But it would be lovely to hear from you, and I do hope you all are well.
Respectfully yours,
Lawine
Frieren-sama,
If you have never said ‘I love you’, out loud, to Fern-chan, please give deep thought to whether you should.
- Sense
P.S. Deep and timely thought. You would have already missed her entire childhood, when she most needed to hear it.