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It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t, it wasn’t it wasn’t his goddamn fault. That didn’t make it hurt any less though, thought Kevin as he threw back another shot. His mind was foggy, and the music was too loud, but his heart cried clearly. It felt too full. So full, it was contracting, imploding under the infinite weight of his emotions. No amount of degenerate neutron gas could stop the oncoming explosion. It was a matter of when at this point.
Not yet though. He still had to feed it a few more shots until it all burst out.
For a short moment he wished he was sober. Maybe then he’d be able to think more clearly. He dismissed that thought as soon as it came though. Why the hell would he want to think clearly? Wasn’t it enough that he felt clearly?
It had started out as a normal day. A good day, even. The Foxes had been in a good mood that morning, which had put him in a good mood as well. He pushed himself harder, faster, as he did when he was happy, because it only ever made him even happier. The others didn’t react well to that though and Kevin didn’t pretend not to see the annoyed glances that were being shot at him. There was no point. And anyway, it wasn’t his fault he was in good shape. They could all stop complaining about it.
You don’t become a national champion without pushing yourself. Past your limits. Past the limits. Your body didn’t control you, you controlled it. (Until your mind got in your way and then you weren’t controlling shit. You were just shaking in your bed at midnight unable to do anything about it.)
When everyone else left the stadium in considerably worse spirits than when they had arrived, Kevin stayed. He stayed and he did drills. He’d expected at least Neil to want to join him though and was only mildly disappointed when he too, had left with Andrew.
That was alright. He would run back to the dorms. It made for a good cool down. He preferred his bathroom to the locker room showers anyway.
Later on, he blamed his sour mood on the fact that he was hungry. The fact that the fridge was empty was just a coincidence. Neil and Andrew had every right to go out for lunch without him. In fact, he was happy they did. Third wheeling them was getting exhausting and so was convincing himself to eat the unhealthy food they liked.
When Kevin’s head hit the pillow, he was out instantly. And thank God for that, because his headache was gone when he woke up and he realised he was really just being a baby. Sleep and food, that was all he had needed. The promise of afternoon practice made him get out of the bedroom with a spring in his step and when Renee shot him a brilliant smile, he even found it in himself to answer with one of his own.
It was alright, he thought. They were alright.
He joined the conversations flowing in his dorm room occasionally, after fully waking up with an energy drink, and didn’t take it personally when no one met his eyes whenever he spoke. Why should they, he was outside their circle, just butting in every now and then. He barely counted as an active participator.
It was alright though, because the energy drink was just sweet enough to wash away the bitterness, and when one of his jokes caught on and made a few of them smile, truly smile, his heart didn’t feel as heavy anymore.
It was still alright, still light, when they made it back to the court, so much so that he put an active effort into making his criticism more constructive and less… well. Offensive. The one and only Kevin Day, Queen of Exy and of Assholes tried to do better and be nicer, who would have thought.
He joked with them, and they took it as such, he showed them how to improve and bit back on most of the angry remarks on their incompetence. It was Friday night, after all, he could cut them some slack, he’d decided.
And it worked, because this time they didn’t leave the court angry, angry at him, angry at themselves. And Kevin allowed himself to take a little bit of pride in it. Maybe he was getting a little better at this whole socialising and forgetting about the Ravens thing. Not only that, but Matt and Dan even stayed behind and asked him to correct their form, while Allison and Renee watched from afar. Kevin was more than happy to. He didn’t snap at them, didn’t shove their arms too forcefully, he even showed them some drills they could do to practice said correct form.
He didn’t take it personally when they didn’t stay any longer to actually do them. They had time. Besides, they couldn’t all be like him. He couldn’t force them.
Neil and Andrew stayed behind while he cleaned though and that was enough. It was enough that he felt satisfied about the day’s successes.
And then they got back to the dorms.
Neil told him it would only be the three of them going to Columbia and oh! That was a surprise. That had never happened before. “How come,” he’d asked, and Neil had told him it was because everyone else had gone to see a movie.
The movie he’d brought up months ago.
The movie he’d been dying to see.
The movie he’d been waiting for someone else to mention they wanted to watch it as well.
Kevin wasn’t really sure how to feel about that.
Good for them! Good thing they were having fun, he’d thought, they deserved it. But why couldn’t they- why wouldn’t they think to ask him? Because of Andrew? Did they assume Andrew had already asked him?
Probably. But then again, when did Andrew ever want to do anything? Had he really never left Andrew’s side?
No.
No, this wasn’t about him. He couldn’t take it personally. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He smiled at them, helped them. They were on good terms!
And yet it wasn’t enough. He was good to them on the court, when he scored points and got them brand deals. Off it though, he was only ever an afterthought. A second choice. If even. More like last option, if Andrew even allowed it.
And could he really blame them for it? He’d been late to the team and unfriendly for most of the time. He’d had the astronomical luck of getting to play for the Ravens for most of his life, and that had fucked him up just enough for him to now be tolerated at best. Not wanted around at worst.
The alcohol was making him dramatic, and he knew it. It wasn’t that they didn’t want him around. They just didn’t care enough to ask him to come. And he couldn’t blame them for it. He couldn’t even blame himself for it. He’d done nothing wrong. It was shitty circumstances. A forced proximity to Riko. A forced proximity to the Ravems. Came too late to the team. They were all friends already. He was too good on the court for them to like him off it. (That was stupid, he was sure Jeremy had never had that problem. But Jeremy was the exception.) (But then again, so was he.) (It was an excuse he allowed himself to have. A lie he could live in when the truth became too much.)
Except none of it could take the gravity off the nucleus that was his heart. He was going to explode, he knew it, he just hoped he could keep it in for long enough that nobody else had to witness it.
With that thought in mind Kevin told Andrew not to order him any more shots. He received a questioning look (which only made him sick to his stomach about the depravity he’d fallen into), but no further comment on it. It was better that way. The music was still too loud. Andrew and Neil were still ignoring him in favour of each other. He felt like their puppy. A child they decided to take care of, even though neither of them really wanted to.
His heart kept collapsing on itself.
If the music wasn’t so loud, he’d scream.
If his thoughts weren’t producing a cacophony in his head, he’d speak.
When his head hit the pillow in the Columbia house, he did not fall asleep. Instead, he let warm tears roll off his cheeks onto the sheets. He was allowed that, at least, as long as he didn’t make a sound.
It turned out it wasn’t an explosion that had awaited him. His feelings didn’t erupt out of him like a supernova. They eased out softly, gently, caressing his lungs and eyes and mouth as he shoved his head deeper into his pillow and wished and wished and wished.
Did he wish for too much? Maybe. But who was to stop him?
He wished for his mother to still be alive. He wished to be more normal. He wished to have kept in touch with Jean. He wished to have made more friends in his childhood. He wished for Riko to not have estranged him from the ones he had made.
He wished to have joined the Foxes sooner. To have never joined them at all. He wished for them to like him, not just accept him.
He wished for anyone to like him for more than just his genial moves on the court.
Neil’s words echoed through his head. “Not a single member of your family thinking you’re worth a damn off the court.” At the end of the day, it turned out he wasn’t that different from Riko after all. Yeah, it was rough.
Eventually though, his heart stopped hurting. The weight was gone, he’d cried all of it out. His head hurt, but it was clear now and he could live with it. He could live with it all. Whether he was destined to feel alone all his life, or to find someone who would enjoy spending time with him later on, it didn’t really matter. Kevin decided he couldn’t hurt for it any longer.
When he finally went to sleep, Kevin was calm, but he never stopped wishing.