Chapter Text
Tsukishima was not the type of kid that wanted to believe in fairytales. Too often that sort of thing caused him to get hurt.
Sure, it was fun to listen to whatever stories Akiteru would come up for his younger brother, and he could never deny one of mom's stories either. But at the end of the day, it was really important for Tsukishima to recognize them as stories. It made life more comforting that way. No big surprises, no big disappointments. That's how he wanted to keep it. He had to desperately know that some magical, dark force wouldn't collapse the moon and stars and take away everything in his path. He had to desperately cling to the fabric of reality.
This was because Tsukishima realized at a young age he had been born with a curse.
A curse that let him know the age someone would die.
The first instance felt like a catastrophic alignment of the universe's energy. It had come practically with no warning. His mom was watching the TV. Tsukishima was in the living room, drawing on the floor. Akiteru was in the kitchen calling one of the neighbors. Apparently the weather would get bad tonight, and they were yet to come home. They had asked Akiteru to keep an eye out for their car to be back in the neighborhood. Dutiful and polite as always, Akiteru agreed.
"Kei?" his brother called. Tsukishima got up speedily to see his brother. He always loved to assist his brother, no matter how small the task. "Could you go outside and grab my backpack? I don't want to hang up or bother mom."
"It's by the basketball hoop, right?"
"Yeah, I was in the middle of playing when they called. Later, I promise we can go out together. I know you've been wanting to do it all week." As his brother grinned at him, Tsukishima felt a sudden rush of excitement. They would finally be able to hang out today.
Rushing outside, Tsukishima felt the bite of the cold winter air. He wondered if they would get heavy snow this year. He picked up Akiteru's heavy school bag and was just turning the corner to the front yard where his eyes caught sight of what looked to be the neighbor's car finally passing by. There was a blurry sort of image hovering above the car, and everything seemed to be in slow motion was Tsukishima squinted his eyes to try to see it better. He wondered if his eyesight were getting worse and if he needed new glasses. He made out the outline of a letter: 36. He thought he was imagining it.
It didn't matter, because just as he made out the number, the car crashed.
The metallic sound of death would secretly haunt Tsukishima forever.
His mom was on the phone, anxious and panickily describing to the officer what happened as Akiteru pulled Tsukishima closer to him protectively.
Tsukishima learned the neighbor was 36 years old. And he died that night.
The images of the car wouldn't escape Tsukishima's mind that night when he tried to sleep. He couldn't help but to feel a lingering since of doom.
Over the next months, he tried to forget about it, but he was always just a little bit weary every time he stepped outside. Death was always sudden and inescapable, after all.
If that were the only instance, Tsukishima would try to forget about it.
Unluckily for him, the worst was yet to come.
Though the second time was so far the last time he witnessed a death, it scared him like all hell.
All week, he wanted to hang out with Akiteru. It seemed like as the older brother he was always busy with something, and it was unfair in Tsukishima's eyes. That's why when they finally did get the chance to meet, Tsukishima was over the moon.
For a brief moment, Tsukishima wasn't thinking of the car accident when Akiteru pulled into the driveway. When Akiteru walked into the house, originally Tsukishima was so excited that he ran to his brother with open arms.
But he caught a glimpse of the cursed number right as he hugged his brother.
19.
Tsukishima's face turned pale. His heart dropped as he clutched Akiteru's coat so tightly that he thought his wrist would snap.
His brother was nineteen right now.
*
He had to excuse himself. He saw Akiteru's confusion whenever he ran his way to his room.
Breathing heavily, Tsukishima didn't know what he was experiencing was basically a panic attack, but all he knew was that the doom was settling in.
What do you do in this situation?
He knew that holding onto Akiteru was never that much use. He always had to leave at some point.
But not literally, not like this, Tsukishima begged to every god he could think of. To anyone who could listen.
Slowly, he was able to calm himself. He made his way to the living room and was able to spend some time with his brother. But every time he looked, he could still see it. 19. No other details. No minutes. No seconds. No explanation. Just 19.
*
The biggest regret of his life was that he never knew what his brother was truly going through.
He had no idea Akiteru was suicidal.
It hurt more knowing the events that led up to his attempted suicide.
Whenever Tsukishima found out Akiteru was lying about still pursuing volleyball, it crushed him. It crushed the bond he had with his brother. It crushed his faith. The one thing he wanted to count on was playing volleyball with his brother in the future. Not only was Akiteru now too busy for him, but he had given up on their dream.
So Tsukishima avoided him. And he didn't see the warning signs. Didn't even consider his business or lack of motivation as a warning sign, until it was too late.
His mom tried to call him and explain as gently as she could that Akiteru was in the hospital being treated. Tsukishima could see it all visibly in his head. The last look Akiteru gave him-- one so exhausted, so drained, so sad, but he still tried to smile, maybe in that moment he had decided he wanted to kill himself-- how he opened the door casually to his bathroom, the way he looked at the ceiling before attempting, wondering and praying, the relief but also the regret when he realized what he done, the way he looked being carried into the hospital and what he probably looked like now, laying there, just laying there.
All Tsukishima knows is that the drugs didn't kill him like Akiteru had wanted.
All he knows is that his brothers life was spared after dying for a minute.
He doesn't know how it worked. But the number reset. It was now at a healthy 72. Tsukishima didn't even want to think of that too much. Just wanted to soak in the fact that his brother is alive.
He swore to himself that he would train himself as hard as he could to not even look up. To not register the number above everyone's heads. Everyone had one now, and he refused to look. He didn't even want to look anyone in the eyes. That's how people started to say, Oh, Tsukishima is so cold and ignorant. But really, he just didn't want to know.