Chapter Text
Alma sat alone.
A common occurrence the last few days and it was…odd getting used to this…sudden change of pace. Her life was…gone. Her avatar was dead and all the freedom it gave her to live in this world and to be a part of it was…simply gone. She felt like she had lost a limb… or worse, it was like she had truly lost herself. A face she knew and loved far beyond the bones she was born with. Seeing the world through the glass of her mask; no longer being able to smell the sweet air or to feel the wind against her eyes…
She had never liked it inside.
Now she was forced to remain in the walls again. Separate. For the first 16 years… she had felt like a prisoner in TAP herself, despite her avatar because of what she had to do for these children. Her options were slim. Stay and help them, the best she could or leave them all entirely to the mercy of Mercer and Harding. She never could stop them but…she could help pick up the pieces afterwards. She was sure Mercer had a contingency plan for her if she tried to bail or something but… that was just conjecture. She had no proof aside from paranoia. A part of her had hoped in their time that…the John she knew would appear or that she could get through to him. Director Mercer had lost himself to his cause and…in a way. So did she.
When TAP was gone…there was relief. She was free. Sure, she had been devastated as the TAP facility was crippled by Mercer after her escape; she had seen the walls collapse and had… assumed that the room where the cryopods were had also been crushed. She couldn’t have possibly gotten the kids out with her; the RDA soldiers had almost shot her but they hadn’t known her alliance shift when she fled so they let her pass; thinking her one of them. There had been…a small bubble of hope—of wonder—that they had survived.
Fear kept her back. Selfish fear.
If they had survived then…there would be that they would find out of her part in…all of it. That she would face their wrath and judgement, even as it was justified for the Sarentu kids to feel.
She just… never thought Nor would kill her. Perhaps even the other kids were just as surprised as her but…she couldn’t know for sure. She was sure her avatar would have survived if the bombing hadn’t already done its dues to her Avatar body. Weakened by injury, it was an easy kill.
It made her shudder still remembering. Her eyes closed briefly as her hand came to her side.
The resin blade felt…so cold. Like ice. The pain was so sharp with each breath that followed and the blood…. So much blood. Even now she felt like her hands were sticky with it, even if her clothes were no longer caked in it in this body. She felt the phantom sensation of pain from the wound still. Pricking below her ribs with her breath. Her fingers now…she pressed into the skin just to make sure she was not still bleeding.
The…sensation of death was…terrifying.
Feeling herself die was…horrible. The taste of blood in her mouth, the dizziness and the feeling of her (avatar’s) heart racing trying to keep her alive despite the blood loss. There had been comfort with Ri’nela and Kìoetey being there through it…but it was so isolating alone to feel her strength fade; they got further away. Alma could feel the lurching, painful moments between her avatar’s heart stopping and the unlinking…to be thrown back into a healthy, able body was…disorientating and painful.
Not many people had died in their avatars.
Nalin was…there beside her link bed just in case her human body had suffered from the avatar’s death. Minor, Nalin had said after she had closed the radio to the two at the circle of Ancestors. Her head hurt with infrequent headaches and a few migraines, and she had the occasional nosebleed but… she felt different now.
Wrong.
Sitting beside her avatar’s grave wasn’t doing her any favours but in all honesty… what would have happened if she had been in her human body when Nor had found out? Would he have killed her? The blade was smaller in Na’vi’s hands but in a human’s gut, it would have been lethal. The Sarentu would have had no answers and…well she supposed her death would have had some catharsis with the Sarentu people. The Resistance would…certainly see her death as justified given her crimes. She was no martyr or anything, just a stain on their record, so to speak.
Everyone looked at her differently now. She could see it in their eyes; how their interactions with her were…different. More different from the times she had been locked out of her link bed by Hajir or Nalin for her own physical, human health. Judgement. They knew what she did. News travelled past between her stabbing to her death. She shouldn’t have been surprised but…she was.
Isolation became her friend as the other people withdrew from her socially. It was business, no more personal. Smalltalk was…painful so she stopped in that regard for all of their sakes when mealtime came around. Kept to herself. It wasn’t easy but she made do. But her leadership was now in question for certain. Who would follow her now with her history?
She hadn’t dared approach So’lek. The sharpness in his gaze when he had seen her after her avatar’s death settled a cold feeling of dread. Just because he…disapproved of Nor murdering her avatar, it didn’t mean she was any better in his eyes. She was…a little scared of what he would do or say to her. Na’vi were so big now…she no longer was eye-to-eye with them. She was small. Weak… and human.
Alma exhaled out shallowly, dropping her hand from her side.
The only Sarentu she really saw now was Ri’nela and Kìoetey with the other two gone. She had…shadowed Ri’nela a little, trying to express her apologies but the girl hadn’t wanted to hear them. No one had. Nor was gone now and…there was relief in her to know that. She didn’t have to watch her back with him or wonder when he’d sunk that blade into her belly again.
No sign of Teylan, which was a concern but Ri’nela was confident he needed time before he came back around. She hoped he’d come back. For their sake.
“Cortez.” Her head turned to see Nalin standing not too far away.
“I’ll be in in a minute,” Alma said dryly. Just…Cortez now. No one was calling her Alma which…was a small thing but it weighed on her a little more than she expected. Non-personal now.
“You shouldn’t be out here all alone without telling someone. It’s not safe, even here.” Nalin said sharply. “Nor it is healthy for you to be here constantly.”
“Thank you for your concern, Doctor Laine.” Alma said, “But you’re a medical doctor, not a shrink so please stop psychoanalysing me. I’ll morn however I like, just like everyone else.”
Nalin sighed but decided not to press it. “If you’re not back in twenty minutes, I’ll ask So’lek to bring you in. We need the base secure at night and everyone accounted for, Cortez.”
Alma just gave her a thumbs up of acknowledgement but her insides coiled a little at the thought of So’lek being the one to do it. Nalin knew her threats well. She listened out, hearing the doctor’s footsteps retreat back until the Doc was gone before she let out her breath.
“Fuck.” Alma rested her face into her hands; not entirely as her hands pressed against the cooler mask doing her best to ignore the distant ringing in her ears.
Another night. Then another day of…this.
Alma took fifteen more minutes in the sanctity of alone beside her grave before she forced herself to move back in before the Doc would act on her threat with So’lek. She only took a small bag of dried RDA rations; her stomach was uneasy and she lacked an appetite but she forced it down to avoid looking like she was waving a cry-for-help sign by going on some food strike.
Sure, she was moping and she knew everyone had seen but… she didn’t want them to think she was… trying to look the victim here. At least not in the way that mattered. She had still been freaking murdered in a fit of rage.
Her eyes scanned around the kitchen as she fiddled with the empty packet and while she met Priya’s eyes as the women passed by, the younger woman dropped her gaze quickly and turned her back to her tablet.
“…onestly, I don’t know what to say to Cortez. I might just…focus on my lichen research. It’s a safe topic.” Alexander’s voice in the distance; his figure passing the open way with Nalin but seemed to hover just down the hallway; not realising she was here.
“Reaching out may be what we need. I’m concerned.” Nalin was saying, “I’m not condoning her part in TAP or anything but…we cannot afford to lose our allies. The more someone is hurt, regardless of who’s inflicting it, the less helpful they become.”
“I’m the wrong person to ask, Nal,” Alexander spoke. “We’ve lost a lot of people, the Sarentu lost everyone and their faith in us. The Resistance. Some things you just can’t bounce back from and… I don’t know if Cortez can come back from that.”
There was a pause. “I know it’s a grey area, Alex.”
“I know, which is why it’s hard. I’m not out for a witch hunt and I sure am not gonna add looking like a sympathiser for TAP by cuddling up to Cortez. She lied to us and continued to lie to us to cover what she did. She dug her grave, Nal. She has to lie in it. I’m sorry.” Their steps echoed away, separating off.
Alma closed her eyes but the bitter truth was raw to her own ears. One of her was certainly in the grave now… she almost wished she was buried in with it.
Dark thoughts like that, she had tried to banish. Trying to see past…that as a solution. Her death wouldn’t be a solution to everything; she couldn’t do anything to help. Couldn’t repent her actions and crimes if she was dead, couldn’t earn forgiveness or find a place of peace with herself or with the Sarentu kids. Killing herself or getting herself killed would look…cowardly. She’d be known for taking the easy way out when things got too difficult. They wouldn’t forgive her for that.
But…
It was so hard. But the little voices back there had some good points.
She was the one who was complicit in genocide, as much as she hated…acknowledging it. Made it real. Once Mercer was dead, and Harding…then she was the last of the three who had a major interest in what happened to the Sarentu clan. She would be the last one. A reminder of their history and loss. A better tale would see the end of that chapter with her death. No more follow-ups.
The resistance stood against the RDA. They had their principles set to ensuring the RDA stopped pulling stints like that; pushing them back. She had lied. Lied again and again in the resistance. She wanted to…keep the past hidden from herself. Life was…easier that way. But…as leader of the RDA with her history…and hearing this; it verified their uncertainly. How could they still follow her? Humans liked to have a cause and… she doubted she could retain her position for long if life continued like this. The resistance lost trust in her leadership. In her. She was marred for life among her…own people for her actions. Death would…probably satisfy those who felt she had gotten off too lightly at the death of her avatar.
Alma felt the pressure rise at the back of her head the more she mulled, spreading around to the front and settling into the left side of her head with a growing intense pulse of pain. She once again settled her face into her hands, dropping the empty packet away and took a few steady breaths to ease herself through this common occurrence. Her fingers pressed into her skull, trying to find the point to force ease, and in part to cover her eyes from the light that seemed to brighten up.
At least, if she had died, then she wouldn’t have to suffer like this. As selfish as it was. Her death would mean that no one else had to…deal with her. Endure her presence.
The distant chatter seemed to start to grate on her nerves the longer she sat and she felt her stomach turn a little as the pulsating got more concentrated. The symptoms were easy to identify, all too familiar. Migraine.
Her’s had only lasted about 5 hours since her avatar’s death but the headaches had come and gone. Another migraine…
Alma flinched as she heard movement entering the kitchen though she peeked through her fingers to see who it was before her stomach dropped.
So’lek.
She closed her fingers, trying to focus on herself but she felt her heartbeat rise…and the pain in her head rise. Her stomach turned even more but she fought the urge of its follow up quickly. There was nothing but silence between them as he lingered about; looking for fresh Na’vi rations that he could have quick and easy. He liked fresh but given the time, she doubted many fires were operational for a quick meal.
Alma wanted to leave. Get up, go to bed, sleep the pain off…but she couldn’t find the strength to move. She felt weak….the worst thing to feel with So’lek around right now.
“Here.”
Alma turned, surprised to see…a small put of Aspirin pills being put down in front of her beside her ration pack. She squinted at it for a moment then up to him, surprised he had…bothered. And that he knew what to look for.
So’lek had returned to his search as if he hadn’t done such an act.
Carefully, she took a moment to gather herself and opened the bottle, carefully picking out two pills and setting them down then slowly got up to put the bottle back onto the shelf where spare meds had been shoved for the convince of their people. She pulled out the small bottle of cold water from the fridge then returned to her seat and slowly washed them down.
“If you are not well, then you should rest. We do not need sickness to spread” So’lek remarked, his voice cold as stone. “The resistance cannot afford that on top of our losses”
“Just a migraine. I’ll be fine.” Alma said tiredly. “Migraines can’t spread. It’s just…a side effect of a severed link.”
So’lek simply nodded. “Good.” He pulled out what he was looking for; leaf wraps and sauce.
Alma took a few more swigs of water but pushed herself to throw her ration pouch into the bin and made her way towards the bunks to rest but didn’t get more than two paces before So’lek’s voice pinned her down.
“Do not expect forgiveness, Cortez.”
Alma’s shoulders sagged. “I know.”
“Do you?” So’lek questioned, his towering frame coming closer as he held his plate so innocently. “There are not enough apologies to make up for your actions. Your regret is nothing to the loss of life you had a hand in taking.”
Alma turned her head away from him. “I know.” Her tone sounded weak to her ears.
“I know you seek penance, and the death of your Dreamwalker is a payment of such. I see your regret but I do not believe you are doing anything to help the Sarentu. You seek to only elevate your own guilt, nothing more.”
Alma flinched a little at that. “I…” She didn’t have the words to say to that, so she didn’t finish.
So’lek seemed to step closer, towering over her. “Until you work to aid them for them, then there is no way forward. Catering to your own needs before those you have hurt will not see a good future. You have caused harm and lied to many of us to preserve yourself. Myself included. I am not happy about your deception you have waved in my face and called it caution.”
She shrunk inwards a little at his shrewd gaze. “I’m sorry.”
“I will not hear it. You are only sorry that you have been caught out. Nor may have been brash with his blade, but his absence is still a loss for the Resistance. For the Sarentu.”
Her hand came to her side, the pin-pricking reminder of that blade. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Then say nothing. The Sarentu will need to heal and you’re an inflammation to those open wounds. Stop trying with them. They will reconcile in their time, not yours. If you continue to force yourself into their space, their conversations and attempt to make the wrongs right on the account of your feelings, then we shall have another discussion.” He gave her a hard look, but like that, he was gone and his undertow bushing past her like ice and settled into her bones. His threat was subtle but she understood.
She barely registered the blood coming from her nostril until she felt the warmth of it splash into her neck-scarf.