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She tells me to stop.
She hates it when I touch her hair. But it’s melted gold and silk and sun. And I want to bask in it.
She turns to face me. Her eyes are the most beautiful green I’ve ever seen. They are mint and lemon. Bittersweet. Big and bright, emerald encrusted in the pearl of her skin.
She bites her lip. Her mouth is thin but full of sweet words I don’t deserve. Her lips are peaches whose taste I wonder. She’s just eaten a pear. So her lips shine of the sugary and sticky liquid. She licks them and smile.
I smile, too.
She asks me if there is something wrong with her face. I can’t help it but stare at her, drinking in her features to ease my thirst. Josh, I’ve got lettuce stuck in between my teeth, right? I knew it… I say there isn’t. Her face is beautiful, but this, I don’t tell.
She shrugs and scratches her nose. It is straight and tiny. Covered in freckles, stars I’d gaze eternally.
We wait. On the bench, we wait.
She fidgets with her hands. I fidget with mine.
We sit in silence. But I love her voice. The way she talks, the way she looks at me in the eyes, the way she gesticulate. But my ears are filled with the cacophonous sound of the Mall. Anonymous relaxing music, anonymous chatter, anonymous voices informing me of the 50% discount on underwear. People come and people go, galaxies unknwown forever.
Chris and Ashley are inside the Electronics store. She had lost her phone. Chris offered to help her find a new one. He’s such a tech geek. And has such a blatant crush. But, after all, who am I to say anything?
Sam sighs. She confesses she’s worried about her History essay. She leans and looks around. She is circumspect. I hate Julius Caesar she whispers. I chuckle and lean in turn. Me too, I say in a breath.
We are close. I can feel her smile. Our hands brush, a gentle touch. Her skin is as soft as rose’s petals, but as dangerous as its thorns. Because I know, I know that If I allow myself to touch, to really feel her, I won’t be able to go back.
So I withdraw, defeated by how unconsciously gorgeous she is. I chew my bottom lip and I’m uncomfortable. It’s frustrating. There is a wall made of glass between us. And everything I’d like to do is to shatter it, even though it would harm me.
She doesn’t know. She never will. She delights in her ignorance. Probably is for the best. Sam is so pure and innocent, she is light and I’m darkness. I will corrupt her.
Or maybe, she’s the only one who can save me.
I am falling into the abyss and perhaps if I stretch my hand out enough she will catch it.
But I’m poison. And, eventually, I will kill her. It would be selfish chaining her to a bomb ready to explode.
Sam is staring at me, she is stealing glances of my frame so she flinches when I notice. Her cheeks are fire I’d extinguish with my kisses. Instead, I talk about the Halloween party at Mike’s. I’ll go as Spiderman. And I almost smile because she is exactly how I’ve always imagined Gwen Stacy. She smirks.
What? I snort and her smirk widens. She shakes her head and her perfume floods into my nostrils like a wave of pleasure. And I am overpowered.
Cinnamon, ginger and lemon. She smells like home.
It would be interesting to see you in a… suit. She giggles. Diamonds jingling, but her laughter is more precious.
I’ve been doing sit-ups for 2 days now. I tilt my head and ask her what she is wearing. She doesn’t reply. She is still working on it. But I’m curious and I insist. There is pride behind her eyes so it doesn’t take me long to make her surrender.
Okay, fine. But I’m afraid I won’t be able to finish it. And even in that case, I’m afraid it won’t turn out as well as I hope… she takes a deep breath. She twists her mouth and I know things are getting serious. Her eyebrows are furrowed and her arms crossed. I’ll be Commander Shepard. She closes her eyes and I open mine wide.
No way! That’s so fucking awesome!
We used to play Mass Effect together, at my place, while Hannah would grumble at us and Beth would toss pop corns to her. It was fun and we were carefree, when Sam was just my sisters’ friend and I was only a shadow in her life. But things change, and sometimes, have unforeseen consequences.
She laughs and nods. She admits her excitement, I see a sparkle in her eyes and I fall in love again.
Sam places a hand on my thigh. I hear my heart pounding ferociously in my ears and I fear it will crush my thorax.
Sam is oblivious. She smiles and smiles and smiles. Honey dripping down my skin.
You know, I’m happy we managed to meet, today.
She comes a little closer.
Yeah.
I come a little closer.
I watch her collarbones, her neck, her mouth.
She lowers her gaze.
She chuckles and meets my eyes.
My body is electric.
But I don’t move. I stay still, pondering on all the possibilities that will never be.
Sam intertwines her fingers with mine. They burn, I burn. Her forehead is on my shoulder. It is a weird weight. Heavy of all the thoughts and dreams and delusions too naively good, too light to be true.
She looks at me.
And I recognize something in her eyes: desire. But I’m blind, I must be blind, because it’s not possible. She’ll regret this, I’ll regret this, we’ll regret this. I watch her lips getting closer and I feel her nose brushing my jaw. My limbs are melting. Is it worth it? Is a kiss worth all that pain? What am I supposed to do?
I’ll never know, because she immediately pulls back. We hear Chris and Ashley talking. They are coming back.
And there is guilt on our faces. We’re guilty for something we didn’t even do.
So, I play with her hair.
She doesn’t tell me to stop.