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Up, down, slide, swing, cross, center, side, up, down, slide, swing, cross, side, center, side, slide, hands up, down, side, move—
"—FUCK!" Ricky yelled. Slipping from his own shirt lying on the floor, crashing down, his body slamming onto the vinyl floor.
Out of breath, he stayed there. His limbs unwilling to follow the orders his brain sent. Mumbling a few frustrated incoherent words, he huffs and stare towards the dimly lit bulb on the ceiling. He could see stains on the mirrors, fingerprints and such, dust flowing around the area. His body felt hot, and sweaty, and sticky and he really needs a shower.
After the group's dance practice, Ricky insisted on staying longer to perfect his part. He wasn't satisfied, he couldn't be satisfied, so he kept trying and trying and trying but to no avail. He still wasn't satisfied, something was off, something wasn't right but Ricky doesn't know what.
Sighing, Ricky closes his eyes, steadying his breath. He could feel the sweat dripping on his face and it was disgusting but he didn't have the energy to reach for a cloth to wipe it.
Performing, singing, dancing, these were all of the factors that made Ricky want to be an Idol. He went through a lot to be here, and many had been training for years for his position. He can't just take it for granted and not put any effort in. He loved being an idol, it was his dream, his dream that's right in his grasp but he just doesn't know how to hold it. From hate, harassment, threats and insults, these were all normal things for idols to experience said Jiwoong. Ricky knows how much the older member went through to debut again, he knows the stories, he's chronically online after all. It feels wrong to say that he's been through a lot when the older has been through worse.
But he can't just not feel hurt and shove it down when people are calling him slurs, saying he's scary, that his makeup that he puts effort in is weird, that the efforts he puts as an idol is embarassing, that just because he's a foreigner they think he's diseased or something, the fact that he can't even wear clothes he likes and bought with his money to the public because people will say he's a weirdo, a creep, annoying, a copycat, that he can't even look good because people will say he's an attention freak—
He can't just not feel hurt knowing that there are people out there that hates him for being— him.
But it's fine. It's fine. It's okay, because he's Ricky from Zerobaseone. He'll be fine. His clothes and makeup are his armor, he won't drop down because a few insecure assholes keep trying to drag him through mud. He can live with this, no one ever said being an idol is easy.
He loves being an idol. He loves soaking in the cheers of his fans, the feeling when they're performing on a stage with music and microphones, the tapping and squeaking of their shoes as they danced, the way his voice would be in top shape everytime they perform, the way his killing parts would make audiences cheer, the smiles on his members faces when they're on stage, the giddiness and excitement coursing through their veins as they wait for an award announcement, the way that every time they rehearse they'd always have fun and shine, the stage outfits, the concepts, the way Gyuvin would smile brightly when he sees a fan bringing a banner about him, the way Gyuvin could turn from the most cutest person ever than turn to a performing monster, the way Gyuvin would tease him in the middle of their performances.
He loves the way Gyuvin looked as he sung his killing parts, the way Gyuvin's body moved with the fast rhythm of their title track, the way he embodies every single concept to perfection, the way his smile could be the only good thing that happened in Ricky's day, the way Gyuvin would look at him as they talk about nothing, the way Gyuvin would hold his hand, brush his fingers, grab his waist, the way Gyuvin would play with his hair and comment on his health, the way Gyuvin would help him with his Korean, the way Gyuvin would smile like an idiot when Ricky does something stupid, the way Gyuvin, Gyuvin, Gyuvin—
"Ya, Kim Ricky!" The doors slammed open, jerking the blonde upwards and cutting his train of thoughts.
The blonde furrowed his eyebrows and stares at the brunette who barged in as if he owned the place (Well, he supposed the whole group owned it?).
"It's literally 11:30 pm, you should go back," Gyuvin says, playfully shoving the blonde's shoulder. Ricky narrows his eyes, his mouth too heavy to move.
He notices Gyuvin was wearing one of Gunwook's anime hoodies along with a tracksuit, his hair disheveled and unkempt, probably just woke up from a nap.
"What are you doing here then?" Ricky asked, brushing his hair from blocking his view. His hair was getting too long, he should tie it.
"I wanna do a dance challenge," Gyuvin replied.
Ricky pursed his lips. "That's nice, I wonder when I'll get to upload whenever I want," Ricky sighed.
"Fuck this godforsaken company," Gyuvin smiled.
"Cheers to that," The blonde sneered.
Gyuvin pulls up his hoodie and leaves it hanging on his neck, underneath; a white shirt. "Your hair's getting really long by the way,"
"I noticed," The blonde says, playing with a strand of his hair that fell on his shoulder. "You happen to have a hairtie?"
"Actually..." Gyuvin grinned, taking out a pink and childish rubber band from his pocket. Ricky widened his eyes in aghast, a shiver running through him.
"Why the hell do you have that???" Ricky exclaimed.
"Shh, no questions," Gyuvin laughs and ran torwards the blonde, locking him in his place before he could run away.
"YA, KIM GYUVIN!" Ricky yells, struggling to get out of the brunette's grips.
"Calm down! It's fine!" Gyuvin says in fits of laughter as he took the blonde's hair and starts to fiddle with it. "I do this for my sister all the time,"
"Please don't give me pigtails," Ricky said (or prayed).
Gyuvin laughed but said nothing, the lighthearted air surrounding them and embracing them in a comforting manner. Ricky sighed and lets the other's hands do it's magic. Though he didn't have high hopes, how could he say no to Gyuvin of all people?
He soaks in the warmth of Gyuvin's palms, the way his fingers brush his hair, the way he would carefully bring loose strands into one full ponytail.
Ricky smiled absentmindedly, enjoying the warm embrace. He would stare at Gyuvin through the mirror in front of them, he looked so serious it's a bit funny, the way he scrunched his eyebrows and tilts his head as if this was something delicate and of utmost importance. The way Gyuvin's hair would sometimes cover his sight, making him brush it with his hands and it's a bit attractive.
Ricky laughed when he saw Gyuvin huff in frustration, the hand that held his hair suddenly loose. Gyuvin threw his hands up in the air.
"Ricky! You ruined my hardwork!" Gyuvin exclaimed, looking up and locking eyes with the blonde through the mirror who was still laughing. Gyuvin can't get too mad though because Ricky looked too beautiful like this, how could he get mad when Ricky's eyes were scrunched up in the most cutest way ever and his smile was so wide and pretty and his nose was scrunched up in such a catlike manner Gyuvin sometimes wonder if Ricky actually is a cat who possessed Ricky's body.
"Sorry- I just- It's just- You looked so- So stupid!" Ricky laughed once again, this time much more louder, much more annoying, and much more beautiful.
"Hey! I'm doing my best!" Gyuvin grumbled.
"Okay-! Okay! Just- give me a second!" Ricky hiccuped.
Gyuvin smiled like a fool, seeing Ricky unable to control his laughter he couldn't help but laugh along. Everytime the two of them stopped, they lock eyes and it starts all over again.
"Shit-! Gyuvin! My stomach- It hurts!" Ricky said, still laughing his arse off. Gyuvin didn't and couldn't reply because he laughed harder at that. And it hurts him too, but it's nothing compared to how much he adored seeing Ricky like this. Just the two of them, face to face, laughing so hard one of them might die.
After many failed attempts, they finally died down, lying on the cold vinyl floor staring at each other, a huge smile still plastered on their face.
"It wasn't even that funny," Ricky breathed.
"Then why'd you almost die?"
"Because it's you,"
"Because it's me?"
"Yeah, you,"
"Is that an insult or a compliment?" Gyuvin grinned.
"Both," Ricky says. Knowing that Gyuvin's the only one who could ever turn him like this. "God I'm so sweaty, I'm gonna go home," Ricky groaned and sat up, pulling the shirt he's wearing from sticking on his body.
"But I just got here!" Gyuvin whined.
"Not my problem Qubing," Ricky grinned lazily and pushed himself up. Suddenly Gyuvin stood up and followed him to the exit. "You aren't gonna practice?"
"It's boring to practice alone," Gyuvin sighed and leaned his body onto the blonde, rubbing his cheek to his hair. Ricky lets it happen, too tired to argue.
"I'm sweaty, go away," Ricky grumbled yet didn't put in any effort to push him away.
"Mmh, I love the sweaty you," Gyuvin teased.
"Ew, get away from me," Ricky shoved him away, the brunette stumbling. Ricky took the shirt he wore before from the floor and lazily pulled the exit door, leaving the lights on, knowing Gyuvin's gonna turn it off for him anyways.
Once Gyuvin made sure everything was shut off, he quickly trailed behind the blonde, his hoodie flowing like superman's cape. He walked comfortably besides the other, humming a soft tune. Stealing glances torwards the blonde any chance he got.
Ricky smiles softly, feeling the presence of the other. His home, his soulmate his place of comfort.
Gyuvin smiles to himself as he stares at his hand, the pink rubber band still there.
"We're home..!" Gyuvin says, pushing the door to their dormitary. The living room was empty, probably because it's 12:30 am now.
The two of them can hear the light snoring from the other members seeping out from the closed rooms. The only light source would be the moonlight shining through the window.
"Careful," Gyuvin says as he steps inside, in search of a light switch.
"Don't open the lights you idiot," Ricky whisper-yelled.
"Why not?"
"You're gonna wake the others!"
"Oh, right," Gyuvin coughs. Ricky shook his head, taking off his shoes and heading torwards their room.
The blonde immediately dropping on the plump comfort of his bed, humming in satisfaction. Gyuvin smiles softly and sat on his own bed, right next to the blonde. The only thing seperating them is a small table.
Gyuvin threw a pillow to him. "Go shower you sweaty pig,"
"Hey, don't call me a pig," Ricky glares.
"Sorry," Gyuvin says, lying on his bed whilst staring at the ceiling.
Ricky huffs and begrudgingly pushes himself up, opening his wardrobe and taking out a black t-shirt along with Gyuvin's 'Good Night' pajama pants.
He snatched a towel from one of the hangers, yawning as he steps inside the bathroom.
The cold floor pierces his skin, a sort of familiar comfort looming over him. He hangs his clothes and took off his sweaty shirt, exhaling a breath of fresh air.
Ricky smiles softly as the hot water hits his skin, dripping from his hair all the way to his feet. He took a deep breath and brushed his hair, suddenly wishing Gyuvin was here to brush it with his delicate manner, with his warm affection.
Wishing he was here to trace his face with his hands, to hold him in his arms. To smile at him and he would see the world in his eyes. To hold his hand and intertwine it, to mumble words of love and praise, to shower his face with soft kisses, to—
Wait. What? Uh. Hm. That was weird. Why is he hoping for his friend to shower him with kisses. Is that weird? Gyuvin is, well, Gyuvin! He's Gyuvin, he's Ricky's best friend, his soulmate. It's not weird to wish for him to hold him and kiss him right? It's not weird.
Ricky tries not to think about it any longer but the thought keeps creeping up like a snake and suddenly he wishes Gyuvin was here, wishing that Gyuvin would embrace him in his warm demeanor, wishing to feel his hands on him, wishing for something— something more.
Ricky's head was spiralling, his body suddenly felt warm—too warm—and tingly and weird, and it's not because of the running hot water.
He tries to stop himself but the thought of Gyuvin holding him and rubbing his back, the thought of Gyuvin playing with his hair, the way Gyuvin looked at him, the way Ricky looks at him, the way Ricky maybe sometimes probably wishes for his touch to linger more. Was that weird? It's not. It's not weird, he's just, deprived of physical affection that's it. Yeah.
But then he tries seeing the other members hold him and brush his hair and trace his face and he shivers. His mind distorting their faces to Gyuvin's and Ricky's world melts.
Ricky, in a panic turns off the shower and heads towards the sink in a rush. His hands gripping the edge as he stares into his face reflected in the mirror. It was red, it was so, so, red it's a bit funny but it's not funny because he's having an existential crisis on the fact that he might actually like- no love Gyuvin? What is love anyways, love takes a lot of meaning and hey maybe he loves Gyuvin in a friend—best friend—brotherly— way! That's it.
But his school friends don't wish for each other to hold them and kiss them and shower each other with words of love, his friends don't talk to each other with eyes that scream a thousand unsaid words, his friends don't brush their skin together accidentally and feel all tingly inside, his friends don't love the way the other hold his hair and tie it, his friends don't have a conversation with each other and wishing for the other to just shut up and kiss—
He threw on the clothes, not bothering to dry his hair, or do his skincare routine because his mind is spiralling and he has no ways to calm it down and Ricky is suddenly only seeing Gyuvin, Gyuvin, Gyuvin and only Gyuvin.
He slams the door open, a loud bang ringing through the dormitory. His eyes fall onto Gyuvin who was scrolling through his phone, not batting an eye from the loud noise.
Suddenly everything came crashing down. As if nothing mattered once he layed eyes on the brunette. As if the thoughts he had was extremely insignificant when he realized that maybe, he's okay with this feeling.
Gyuvin looked up, locking eyes with Ricky. He sent him a small smile and everything inside Ricky reached it's melting point.
"That was quicker than usual," Gyuvin said.
Ricky hums nonchalantly head to his own bed. "I was too excited to sleep," As if he didn't have a full blown panic attack on the fact that he might actually like his best friend.
"You didn't even dry your hair," Gyuvin furrowed his eyebrows, putting his phone down on the table seperating the two. "Come," Gyuvin said.
Before Ricky could even think, he was there, he was sitting on the carpeted floor, in between Gyuvin's legs as he dries his hair with the towel he didn't even realize he held onto. Ricky feels something warm rising to his face, and tries to push it down. Keyword here is tries.
"Your skin is all red, how hot was the water?" Gyuvin brushed his fingers across the blonde's nape. Shivers running down to his spine.
"It was hot," Ricky managed.
Gyuvin raised a brow but didn't pry any further. "There, all done," He huffs in satisfaction. The brunette then threw the towel onto the pile of dirty clothes sat next to the bathroom. Ricky ignores the feeling that wishes for Gyuvin to linger.
"Tomorrow's your turn to do the chores," Ricky says and heaves upwards, dropping himself onto the comfort of his mattress once again, his mind exhausted.
Gyuvin narrows his eyes, "You've never even done your chores,"
"You don't complain much about that anyways," Ricky grinned. "Why?"
"Because you're Ricky," Gyuvin rolls his eyes. "You'd probably explode the washing machine just by standing near it," Gyuvin shivers.
"Hey! I at least know how to work a washing machine!" Ricky threw a pillow right at his face.
Gyuvin laughed and Ricky had never noticed how pretty he looked. Or maybe he had and he's just conscious of it now.
Ricky smiled absentmindedly and turned his body towards Gyuvin's. The brunette was still smiling to himself like a fool and Ricky thought he was a bit cute and wanted to stare at him longer.
The exhaustment got to him though, his eyes start to get heavier and heavier. His mind starts wavering, and he feels lighter and then he drifts to darkness. Except it's not total darkness because Gyuvin is here.
Gyuvin stares at Ricky. Scouring through every inch and piece of the blonde. He smiles and giggles to himself, feeling like he has a sugar rush as he remembers the events from the practice room. The image of Ricky's carefree laugh imprinted in his head.
Gyuvin notices Ricky's hands, hanging from the edge of the bed. Gyuvin breathed and softly, delicately, carefully brushed a finger onto his palm, then Gyuvin felt greedy, he intertwined their fingers together one by one, a wide smile on his face as he stares torwards their locked hands, the way they fit each other so well. Gyuvin wants to get closer, so much more closer and this table is really ruining his chances.
Ricky's eyes flutter open, landing onto his hands with Gyuvin's. Ricky didn't take it back though, he just stared at it. The warm feeling growing larger in his stomach. A tense yet comfortable silence wrapped them. Ricky's soft breaths and Gyuvin trying to match it.
The blonde looks up and stares into the eyes that held worlds in it. This was so cheesy but Ricky couldn't think of another way to interpret this.
Gyuvin grins and brings both if their hands towards him, and he kisses every single one of Ricky's delicate fingers. Ricky laughs. It's Gyuvin's turn to melt. (Not that he doesn't melt every moment he spends with the other).
"Why are you so cuteee," Gyuvin complained, squeezing his hand.
"You're so embarrassing," Ricky hushed.
"It's like you're doing this on purpose,"
"Well, I'm not, you're just an idiot,"
"Ricky... Kim Ricky... I love you..." Gyuvin whined.
"Mhm,"
"Say it back,"
"Okay," Ricky hummed.
"I love you,"
The words were right there, on the tip of his tongue. He can't get it out and maybe it's because when he says this, it's the first time he admits it. And then the sudden thought that Gyuvin might not see him the same way Ricky sees him hits him like a ton of bricks.
"Me too," The blonde smiles.
Gyuvin stares at him, his eyes filled with adoration and affection. But Ricky's mind was elsewhere.
"Ricky," Gyuvin calls.
"Yeah?" Ricky never fails to answer.
"Can I sleep with you?"
"Oh," It was the only thing that managed to come out of Ricky's mouth. Then a small laugh escaped his lips. "Yeah, sure, you big baby," Ricky rolls his eyes.
Gyuvin eagerly sat up from his bed, the sheets falling onto the floor but Gyuvin couldn't care less, their hands left each other's for a moment and Ricky felt weird. Then Gyuvin came crawling behind the blonde, wrapping his arms onto Ricky's waist. Ricky's exhales a shaky breath.
The blonde laughs sleepily, feeling ticklish. Then Gyuvin once again intertwined their hands together. Two hearts beating as one. Ricky feels whole. Gyuvin feels like he might explode.
Gyuvin shoves his face into Ricky's nape, his long blonde hair brushing against his skin. His breath hitting Ricky's, and Ricky's face flushes a bright red and he just prays that Gyuvin doesn't notice. Gyuvin squeezes the blonde's soft palm, breathing in the scent of the other. Ricky jerks from the sudden contact, an unfamiliar sound coming out from his throat.
To make matters worse, Gyuvin's soft lips grazes his skin. His body getting warmer and warmer and Ricky's heart can't calm down, he grips Gyuvin's hands.
"Ricky..." Gyuvin exhaled.
"Mmh?"
"Kim Ricky..." Ricky could feel Gyuvin's lips turning to a smile. The blonde laughs, trying to shove the other away (please don't go).
As if Gyuvin read his mind, he stood his ground, pulling him even closer, their legs intertwining. Ricky laughs and Gyuvin stares in astonishment. He looked beautiful, in his arms, smiling, Ricky. He felt like he was flying seeing him like this, he felt like he could die without regrets.
"Why are you so clingy today!" Ricky exclaimed. Shrieking as Gyuvin starts giving him kisses on his nape, travelling to his ears, behind it, under it. Ricky wants to scream.
"Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky," Gyuvin repeats his name like a drug and the blonde took it in like one. They wrestled on the bed, Ricky laughing wholeheartedly as he tries to pry off the legs and arms locking him while the brunette kept on showering kisses on his back.
"Gyuvin, please! I want to sleep!" Ricky laughs, lying down in defeat after a useless struggle, secretly happy Gyuvin never let him go.
Gyuvin's hands reached for his face and the world stopped. Ricky couldn't breathe, the other's hands took the lead, holding his skin affectionately, Ricky could feel the calluses on his hands, he could see the lines and paper cuts and Ricky took a deep, deep breath as the brunette turned his face behind; they're eye to eye. Their face inches away from each other. Gyuvin with that stupid smile on his face. And Ricky's glad the room was dark, because Ricky's absolutely sure his face isn't cooperating.
Gyuvin squeezes Ricky's hands. A huge grin on his face as he comes closer, their foreheads touching.
"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," Gyuvin mumbles, their noses grazing one another.
A beautiful so beautiful smile on the blonde's face. Gyuvin's heart skipped a beat.
"Love you too," Ricky says. And he meant it. Because it's always Gyuvin. It always has been Gyuvin. He was just too much of an idiot to realise it.
Gyuvin laughs and plants a soft kiss on his mole underneath Ricky's right eye. On his nose. On his cheek. On his jawline. He stopped when his lips travelled to Ricky's. Barely grazing it but the blonde felt it. It wasn't even a second and Ricky decided that this was the most beautiful thing ever.
"...good night," Gyuvin smiles.
Ricky stares into those eyes. Those eyes of the person he'll never see the same again.
"Good night,"
Gyuvin pulls Ricky closer. And the two of them float, hand in hand, heart to heart.