Work Text:
As Yasmin stands still, everyone else moves past her.
Sonya gets a new job as a sales assistant at a high-end boutique at The Moor and manages to keep the job for more than three weeks this time. In celebration, their dad cooks bad pakora and their mum offers to invite a few friends for a party. Sonya, of course, has a guest list of fifty, but Yasmin struggles to come up with one.
"What about Ryan? Why don't you invite him?"
"I can't," says Yaz sullenly. "He's still in Patagonia. He met a girl out there... and they are planning on travelling round South America together. To be honest, I doubt he's ever going to come back to Sheffield."
"What about his granddad, Graham? He might want to pop in and say hi."
"Busy. He's got this on-off thing going on with his girlfriend Ace, and they are currently very much on and holidaying in the Caribbean."
Yaz's mum laughed. "Where do these people get the money?"
"Don't ask me."
A silence follows, so heavy that Yaz almost feels its weight on her shoulders.
"What about the Doctor?" says her mum, her voice tentative. "Would she like to come? I know the two of you were good friends for a time and–"
"No. Not her," snaps Yaz.
"Why?"
It is such a simple question, but Yaz is not sure she has an answer. We broke up would not be true, because they never had a proper relationship in the first place. She's passed away wouldn't be true either because it is not as if the Doctor was dead. According to everyone at Companions Anonymous, the Doctor didn't die, not really, she just... changed, somehow. We're not friends anymore is also a lie, because Yaz and the Doctor will always be friends, even if they never see each other again.
"She's moved away," says Yaz. That, at least, is partially true.
The light dims in her mum's eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love."
"It's fine," lies Yaz, a lump burgeoning in her throat. "Anyway, that's enough of that. I'll go pick up a cake for the party. What do you fancy? Chocolate or cream?"
"When I first met the Doctor, I was a Science teacher at Coal Hill School. It was 1963, the year of the Big Freeze."
Ian's hands shake slightly as he lifts his cup of tea from the saucer, the ceramics creating delicate tinkling sounds as they touch. He takes a sip. Although he speaks in a low voice, the members of Companions Anonymous cling onto his every word. "I'd worked there ever since I had finished my National Service and although I was initially sceptical, I eventually decided I quite liked my life at Coal Hill. I liked my job. I liked that my little house in Shoreditch was a twenty-minute cycle ride away from work. I was good at teaching, and I liked the students... and it didn't hurt that Barbara was there."
"Barbara?" asks Dan.
At the mention of her name, Ian's expression turns wistful. "Yes, she was one of the school's history teachers. Engaging, dedicated, bright... and a wonderful smile. I hadn't quite realised it back then, but I really had grown quite attached to her."
Even though Ian seems to be lost in memory, Dan will not let the subject lie, so questions him further. "Did you leave her behind when you went with the Doctor?"
"Oh no. The story of my travels with the Doctor are just as much Barbara's as they are mine." Even though Ian hasn't described her, he speaks so warmly that Yaz feels as though she can see Barbara's face in her mind's eye. "There was a new student who had recently joined the school – Susan Foreman, her name was – and she was brilliant. Quite brilliant."
Thinking she saw the outline of the Doctor in Susan's features, Yaz finally finds the courage to speak. "Brilliant? In what way?"
"She was encyclopaedic," says Ian, smiling affectionately. "The mind was overrunning with knowledge about physics, biology, chemistry, history, linguistics, archaeology, psychology... you name the subject, she knew everything about it. Barbara noticed it too and we were intrigued to say the least. It was 1963, we taught at a Secondary Modern in the East End, and we had a child genius on our hands! One day, Barbara and I decided to call in on Susan at her home, and to visit her grandfather who she had insisted didn't like strangers. We expected a cup of tea and a conversation about Susan's academic potential, but instead we found an old junkyard, a non-descript looking police box... and him. The Doctor."
A hush descends as it always does when the Doctor walks into a companion's life.
"We didn't choose to go with him. If I really think about it, technically, we were kidnapped. We were worried that Susan was being held in that old police box against her will, but when we went inside to rescue her, we instead discovered the secret she was keeping; that she and her grandfather were time travellers, aliens from another world, and that Barbara and I rather knew nothing at all about our little patch of the universe."
Yaz's stomach sinks. A granddaughter? The Doctor? It barely seems possible. Her Doctor had been so young of heart it was hard to imagine her with lives and loves and deaths in the times before Yaz had known her. And a granddaughter? A family? Had the Doctor really been able to give all that to someone else, and not Yaz herself?
"As the Doctor tried to wrest control of the TARDIS and take us back to 1963, we explored the universe: the Stone Age, Skaro, thirteenth-century Tajikistan, Ancient Rome. Yet no matter where we went, no matter how many stars we saw, we always wanted Coal Hill, our students, and our chalkboards. Our adventures with the Doctor were the chance of lifetime, but I missed my job, I missed my home, I missed London. I wanted a pint of beer in a pub again! And I couldn't help but think of the opportunities I was missing with Barbara because we had to share a living space with a crotchety old man who wouldn't have recognised romance if it put on a tutu and danced for him."
There is a moment of silence in the room, as those who are present consider what Ian has said. Could something as mundane as a wife and a home really rival what the Doctor had to offer? Stars and moons and space dust? The cosmos, curled into a silver surf? Travelling time and space with a madwoman in a box?
Eventually, it is Jo who breaks the silence. "Did you leave on your own terms, in the end?"
"Yes," says Ian, putting his cup and saucer on the table beside him. "When we got a chance to go, we took it. The Doctor was reluctant to help us at first, but eventually he agreed. Deep down, he understood it was what we truly wanted. Yes, we arrived two years late and had to invent some cockamamie excuse about where we had been in that time, but all the mess was worth it. As soon as I could, I took Barbara for tea at the Ritz, then we went dancing at the Locarno until late. We married six months after we returned home, and our son Johnny arrived a few years later. All in all, we were sublimely happy together... I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I wouldn't have changed it for the Doctor."
"That's how I felt about my Cliff," says Jo brightly. "Well... mostly."
Although everyone else in the room laughs, Yaz cannot even bring herself to smile. There is an unpleasant emotion brewing at the centre of her chest, and she cannot name it. Whatever it is, it needs exorcising.
"Really?" she asks, trying to keep her voice light. "You wouldn't give up your average life on Earth for one more day with the Doctor?"
Ian shakes his head.
"Sometimes, after Barbara died, I thought about it. When I was all alone in that big old house we used to share with no one to talk to, I wondered whether I could have spent my life with the Doctor, becoming a crotchety old time traveller in his stead. But it only takes looking at some photos to remember... I had many adventures with the Doctor, but I had many more with Barbara."
As Yaz doesn't fancy driving to the Big Shop, she goes to the local Co-op and hopes they have what they need for Sonya's party. It is surprisingly empty for a Thursday night, with only a man handing leaflets for a club night by the entrance and the sleepy cashier present apart from Yaz herself. After ignoring the former as she walks into the shop, she gives the latter a small smile as she passes the till.
"Hi Yaz," says the cashier, raising her hand in an almost wave.
Shocked at being recognised, Yaz barely looks at her. "Hi."
Trying to remain anonymous, Yaz walks over the aisle in which the cakes can be found. Her Mum had asked for a chocolate cake for Sonya's party, but Yaz is surprised to find the Co-op offering her so many options: a chocolate caterpillar cake, a chocolate gateau, a chocolate torte, a chocolate ice-cream cake...
In a flash, Yaz can taste ice cream on her tongue.
I don't want it to end, she had said, as she and the Doctor had looked down on planet Earth, marvelling at its beauty. It had been different for Yaz than it was for Ian as, unlike him, Yaz didn't have a Barbara to go home to. She hadn't given up life in the TARDIS for something better, for a dream of a romantic relationship and children, but because she had been forced to leave... forced to...
"Hey, can I help you? You look a bit... lost."
Looking up from the ice cream cake, Yaz turns to see the cashier standing next to her, a hesitant smile on her face. Although she is wearing her plain work uniform, Yaz can instantly tell she is a bit alternative. The cashier has a buzz cut, a line of piercings curving round her ear, and tattoos of constellations all the way up her arms. Her look is a statement and Yaz appreciates the boldness of it.
"No, I'm okay," says Yaz, pushing the Doctor from her mind. Putting down the ice cream cake, she picks up a gateau instead. "I'm just looking for a cake for my sister's party. She's picky about this sort of thing."
The cashier smiles. "I think Sonya would like the caterpillar cake, personally."
Yaz starts. "You know Sonya?"
"Yeah. I'm invited to the party. I'm Safiya, Safiya Malik. I used to go to the mosque with you guys before... well..."
Safiya trails off, and Yaz knows why. From what Yaz can remember, Safiya's family had been quite conservative and hadn't taken kindly to the idea of their daughter cutting off all her hair and introducing them to her girlfriend. Yaz had never got the full details – Sonya had always been closer with Safiya, after all – but in the time after she came out Safiya had come to the mosque less and less, before stopping all together.
"After everything that went down with my family, I moved down to Brighton with my girlfriend Megan," says Safiya, answering questions Yaz hadn't even asked. "We were happy for a while, and it was great to be in Brighton, somewhere we could be ourselves... but then I found out... well, it doesn't matter... not now. Once it ended, I decided to come back to Sheffield and try to build my own life here, reconnecting with my family where I can. Everything is not perfect, but I'm taking small steps."
"I'm glad to hear it," says Yaz, not quite sure why Safiya is telling her all this. She's just come to the shop for some cake, not to catch up with the life dramas of some girl from the mosque she hardly remembers. Suddenly feeling very trapped and as if she is getting perilously close to getting into a long-winded conversation she doesn't want, Yaz settles on the cake in her hand.
"I think I'd like to pay for this, please."
Safiya's smile falls. "Oh, sure. Come this way."
Money exchanges hands in silence, the only noise the ding of the till. Once the debts are settled, Safiya offers Yaz a small smile.
"Well, I suppose I'll see you at the party, yeah?"
"Yeah, I suppose so. Bye."
"Bye."
Not meeting Safiya's eye, Yaz goes to leave the shop. It's not that she wants to be unfriendly, but neither does she feel like opening herself up at the moment, not when everything is so raw. So, armed with her cake, she heads on home, only taking the flyer that is offered by the leafleteer outside because she wants to avoid another unwanted conversation.
Want a spectacular night out for family and friends? Come to Aldebaran, the Greatest Light Show in the Galaxy!
"My story is a little different to everyone else's," says Kate, when it is her opportunity to unload at the next Companions Anonymous. "I didn't meet the Doctor by chance. I inherited him, just as I did my mother's Queen Anne dresser or my grandfather's war medals. My father, Sir Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart used to work for UNIT and the Doctor was a colleague. At the time, he was trapped on Planet Earth and had to find something to occupy his time... so working for an inter-governmental body seemed just the ticket. There was never a time when I could have opted out. When I was a child, I wasn't aware of my Dad's job at UNIT fighting aliens or the Doctor, but that didn't mean it had no influence on my life. The hours and hours my dad spent away from home contributed to his break-up with my mum, and my eventual estrangement from him. I was always going to come to know the Doctor one way or another, because she shaped my life without me even realising."
Jo goes misty eyed at Kate's words. "Yes, I remember those times with your father and UNIT. They were happier... simpler in a way. There was a monster to fight every week and the Doctor and the Brigadier were always there to save the day. It was such an uncomplicated life. I didn't have to think about any of my old problems back home, because I was part of something bigger, something more important."
As Jo sinks back into her memories, Yaz turns to Kate, whose expression is harder. The leader of UNIT is so inscrutable that it is impossible to tell if she feels the same as her father's one time colleague or not. "Although my son informs me I'm what kids call a nepo baby, I never felt like I had been given my position at UNIT on a silver platter. I worked for it. I worked hard. The Doctor may be able to spend all his time flitting around the universe solving everybody's ills, but somebody has to stay behind and pick up the pieces. Somebody has to hold the fort and protect it from its enemies. That's me, and I do a bloody good job of it."
There is a moment of silence in which each member of Companions Anonymous considers what Kate has just said, weighing up the slight resentment in her voice. Nobody speaks until Dan clears his throat, then looks at Kate with an intensity Yaz didn't think him capable of. "But if you had a chance... wouldn't you want to travel the stars with the Doctor?"
"Of course," says Kate, almost an automatic response. "I would seize that opportunity with both hands. But the Doctor chooses carefully... and he's never chosen me."
Sonya's party is just as rowdy as Yaz expects it to be. The small flat is packed to the rafters and the cake Yaz had bought is gone in five minutes. There are loud conversations and even louder music, and the heady, heavy atmosphere leaves Yaz feeling as if she is being pushed out to the periphery, not even allowed in her own home. To cope, Yaz goes out to the balcony to take in the silence and the stars. She looks up, hoping to see a familiar blue box, or a path she once took to explore the universe. Of course, she is to be disappointed. Sheffield is expecting rain tomorrow, so the clouds are so thick they block out the stars.
The Doctor is not coming back, she reminds herself. And no matter how much I stare at the sky, waiting and dreaming and hoping... she's not coming back. She's never coming back.
As the music from Sonya's party thumps away behind the closed doors, Yaz finds herself thinking of what Kate said at the last Companions Anonymous meeting. The Doctor chooses carefully, and he's never chosen me.
Is that it? she thinks heavily. Did the Doctor just not choose me?
"Are you okay?"
Yaz turns around, away from the sky and back towards the party. It takes her a few moments to recognise who has come to speak to her, because she is no longer wearing her shop uniform. Instead, she is in a navy-blue cocktail dress sinched in at the waist and her constellation tattoos are the only stars Yaz can see.
"Didn't we meet the other day?" says Yaz slowly, putting the pieces together.
"Yes, I'm Safiya... you know... from the Co-op."
"Oh yes, I remember."
At a loss for words, Yaz turns around to look back out at Sheffield, unfurling before her in the darkness. To her surprise, Safiya joins her. She comes to lean on the balcony railing beside Yaz, resting her elbows on the cool metal. As Safiya's arm flexes, Yaz gets a proper look at her tattoos: inked in black, they form a web across her skin.
"What's your tattoo of?" asks Yaz, searching for a conversation starter.
Safiya follows Yaz's line of sight and looks down at her own arm before answering. "Oh, that's the Pleiades, or the Seven Sisters as some people call them. It's the–"
"Nearest star system to Earth," concludes Yaz.
She knows it well. Once, the Doctor had taken her to the twelve best restaurants in the Pleiades, and Yaz had experienced nothing like it on Earth. The smell of Novatorian Grassweed Soup had stayed with her for weeks, and Yaz had been meaning to try and make something similar herself. Every time she stands before the oven in the flat, however, she can't quite bring herself to. It reminds her too much of the Doctor.
Safiya does not spot Yaz's misty-eyed sadness, but instead jumps on the fact she seems somewhat knowledgeable about the night's sky. "The Pleiades have been at the heart of human myth for millennia. The Ancient Greeks believed they were the seven daughters of the Titan Atlas, who were turned into stars for their own protection. They even had a word to describe that transformation – catasterism."
That word makes Yaz think of the Doctor. Although she never shone, to Yaz it she seemed like a celestial being in human form, a wandering star. Maybe Yaz had been selfish to think she could hold on to the Doctor, to think she would spend even part of her immortal life with Yasmin Khan from Sheffield. Gods tend not to walk beside mortals, after all.
"You know a lot about stars," says Yaz.
"Yes, I do," agrees Safiya. "I've wanted to study astronomy at university since I was a kid, ever since my Cousin Hasan took me stargazing when I was ten. It seems there is so much out there that we know so little about... I find it both fascinating and terrifying."
At that statement, Yaz looks at Safiya properly for the first time. If she only knew the thrilling terror of being out there amongst the stars, the Doctor's hand the only thing keeping you from falling into the endless gnawing blackness of space. Yaz had once felt the amazement that she can now see in Safiya's eyes, but it had slowly been sapped away since her return to Sheffield. After seeing the beginning and the end, the entire Earth hanging within the scope of her gaze, how can Yaz ever feel the wonder looking at the stars? She had once been a part of them, after all.
"I find looking at the sky sad," says Yaz, unexpectedly honest. "It's all so endless. So... meaningless."
At least, Yaz thinks, it's meaningless without her.
"That's only because you're looking at them in the wrong way," says Safiya, entirely sure of herself. "The stars aren't depressing because they are part of us, part of life. Was it Rumi who said we are all stars without names?"
"I don't know. I'm not that familiar with my thirteenth century Persian poets," teases Yaz.
That earns Yaz a smile as Safiya lets out a carefree laugh. "Well, there are sometimes poetry readings down at the Civic Centre if you want to become more acquainted."
"Is that an invite?" parries Yaz.
Safiya's amusement dims slightly. "No... but this is. There's a show about stars at a repurposed old cinema in a week's time, just off Cawston Road. It's called Aldebaran, after the brightest star in the constellation of Taurus, and I've been looking for someone to go with. Do you fancy it?"
Everything in Yaz is screaming at her to say no. She's not quite ready for new friends and spends most of her free time lying in bed. Yet Yaz can almost hear her mum telling her to go; that it would be good for her to get out the flat, that there's nothing wrong in having a bit of fun, that letting your hair down occasionally is healthy. That voice is difficult to say no to.
"Alright... I'll go, but once we're there you'll have to drop more star lore."
Safiya smiles in agreement.
"When Grace died... escaping with the Doctor served as a distraction."
The room goes silent, almost chillingly so. What can anyone say that could contribute to or deflect from Graham's rumination on his deceased wife?
"While I didn't choose to go with the Doctor – like Ian, I was technically kidnapped – once I was out amongst the stars it seemed silly to come back. At home, all I had was an empty house with empty rooms that should have been filled by Grace... why would I want to return to that sadness when I had the universe in the palm of my hand?"
As Graham is fond of a story, he begins regaling the crowd with his adventures with the Doctor: Rosa Parks, the Rally of the Twelve Galaxies, and Nikola Tesla. While every adventure is thrilling and inspiring, he tells them all as if there is a character missing. Grace's ghost walks amongst the pages, silent but sure, outshining the Doctor even at her brightest. Even though Yaz had been present for Graham's journeys through the stars, their differing perspectives almost makes her feel as if the "Yaz" he talks about in his stories is not her, but another person entirely. He sees everything differently, after all.
"I found a way to move on," Graham admits, his voice going gruff. "I'm not going to say it was easy, but I had Ryan and Yaz... and an opportunity for vengeance I didn't take. My grief never shrank or went away, but my new life grew around it, and that was because of what the Doctor gave me: the whole universe. But when Ryan wanted to leave, I realised I wasn't scared of home anymore. Adventure is only fun if you have a safe normal to return to. So, Ryan and I went back to Sheffield and lived our lives. There's happiness to be found. There's an afterwards... if only you have the determination to look."
"I'm going out!"
"Out? Where?"
Yaz turns around to look at her mum, who is busy knitting a new woolly hat for her cousin Suki in front of the latest episode of Strictly. Almost imperceptibly, her Mum raises her eyebrows. Yaz knows why: the last couple of months, she's worn nothing but pyjamas and tracksuit bottoms, and kept herself to herself. That she is now wearing a new pair of jeans, a sparkly shirt, and her favourite leather jacket is obviously bringing her Mum a lot of joy.
"I'm going to this light show thing in town... with Safiya."
Yaz's Mum's eyes go wider. "Safiya? Who is Safiya?"
"You know, Safiya Malik," says Yaz, shrugging. "She's friends with Sonya. Used to go to the mosque before... before."
Yaz doesn't need to say anymore. When Safiya had been disowned by her family after she came out it had been the talk of the town. Safiya had even stayed with Sonya for a few days while she got her affairs in order. Yaz hadn't taken much notice at the time – she was too busy focussing on her police exams – but clearly the experience had left an impression on her Mum.
"Oh, I didn't realise she was back in Sheffield. Didn't she move to... erm... Bournemouth?"
"Brighton," corrects Yaz. "And yeah, she's back. She broke up with her girlfriend, so decided to come home. She asked me to go to this light show with her at Sonya's party... so I said yes."
What follows is a long silence. Yaz has very rarely been forthcoming with her Mum about her love life; not because she's scared of her reaction, per se, but because she's always been a private person. Yet Yaz doubts she's ever been good at hiding her love for the Doctor, and although Najia Khan might not have ever tackled the issue head on, she can probably see the shadows.
Her Mum gets up from the chair, putting the knitting to one side. She has a tentative smile on her face, one that makes Yaz look away. "Yaz, I'm so happy that you are getting out there again. Although you never said it to me, I know the Doctor was important to you–"
"Mum–"
"No, let me speak." Her Mum comes and stands before Yaz, her brown eyes bright. "I'm not going to make you tell me anything you don't want to, but I'm pleased for you if you are going on a date with Safiya. Even if it's nothing serious, even if it just a bit of fun... I'm happy if you are happy, and it breaks my heart that you seem so sad at the moment."
Quite against her better judgement, tears come to Yaz's eyes.
"Don't worry, Mum. It's just a broken heart. I'll be better soon."
At that confession, her Mum scoops Yaz into her arms, kissing her cheek in the process. "Oh, sweetheart, it will get better soon. Just take each day at a time, one step at a time. Enjoy this show you are going to see with Safiya and let me know if it's any good. I might want to take your dad!"
Holding onto her Mum tightly, Yaz feels a new resolve growing in her belly.
"I'll try, Mum. I really will."
"The day I met the Doctor, my Auntie Vanessa was murdered."
Tegan takes a sip of coffee as a self-soothing measure, then slowly looks around at the other people at Companions Anonymous. Yaz's breath catches in her throat. Her adventures with the Doctor had often felt like a dream, a fun romp across the galaxy, and she had never had to worry about her parents or sister being in direct danger.
"It was the Master that did it," says Tegan. "He killed her because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and she was nothing to him. Nothing. Collateral damage."
She sips her coffee, the soft clink of the ceramics against her teeth the only sound in the room.
"The Doctor had a lot more respect for human life, of course, but it was still dangerous travelling with him. There was, Adric... brilliant, bright, clever Adric. Adric died to save the entire world, but he died alone because the Doctor could not intervene. The Doctor wasn't all powerful, as it is sometimes so easy to believe he is. On his watch, one of his closest friends died."
"And yet you kept travelling with him after that?" Dan asks, piping up from the corner. "Even though you had seen a friend die?"
Tegan laughs, self-deprecatingly with a dash of bitterness. "Yes, of course. I was young and foolish with no good sense, and I was washed away by the excitement of it all... but it eventually became too much. One death too much. The Doctor cares, but in an abstract sense. We're all statistics to him, a moral point to be made, not a million individual tragedies. So we, the people who know him well, can sit here, all misty-eyed, and reminisce about our travels with the Doctor, but we must never forget the truth. We saw death. Our magnificent adventures are built upon the bones of those caught in the crossfire."
"Do you want an ice cream?" asks Safiya once they are settled in their seats at Aldebaran, pointing to the lady in the aisle selling the sweet treats. "I fancy a salted caramel myself."
Yaz shakes her head. She doesn't want to be reminded of the Doctor, not while she is on something that could be very carefully classified as a date. "No, I'm okay thanks. I snuck some sweets inside in my handbag."
"Good thinking," chuckles Safiya. "I wish I had that presence of mind. I'm always a little bit forgetful."
"Well, I'll let you share my Tangfastics if that will make you happy."
As Safiya smiles at her, Yaz feels a warmth inside her that she has locked away for some time. It's not attraction, necessarily, or even the first bloom of romance, but it is the knowledge she is sitting beside someone comfortably and not feeling ostracised and alone. Safiya is kind and welcoming, traits that Yaz respects and needs at this moment in time, so doesn't feel compelled to run away or hide... even in the face of this connection possibly turning into something more.
"So, what are we to expect from this show tonight?" asks Yaz, retrieving the sweets to share with her date, while Safiya flicks through the programme.
"Do you want to know the deep mysteries of the universe? Are we alone in the darkness of space? These questions and more will be answered in Aldebaran, the Greatest Show in the Galaxy." Safiya pulls a confused face. "So... I'm none the wiser. I was expecting an informative talk about stars... but this seems different."
"I don't think the location is pointing to an informative talk either," says Yaz, gesturing around at the auditorium. Carrying all the trappings of an old cinema, the building suggests that Yaz and Safiya are in for an evening of frivolous entertainment rather than a hard-hitting talk about the solar system. Yaz's suspicion is further confirmed when the lights dim and a drumroll begins, heralding the arrival of a performance rather than a lecture.
"Ladies, Gentlemen, and Everyone in Between," comes a voice from overhead. "Welcome to Aldebaran, the Greatest Show in the Galaxy! Please welcome your host, Mr Gorman Spinks!"
At once, the audience breaks into a rapturous applause, to which Yaz only politely joins in. The spotlight is centred on the closed curtains as Mr Gorman Spinks appears from the wings, a slippery smile on his face. He is dressed head to toe like a Victorian ringmaster – his top hat sitting at a jaunty angle – and although his get-up might appear somewhat ridiculous, there is a steeliness in his presence that instantly grabs his public by the throat.
"Good evening! Good evening!" Mr Spinks cries, in an effort to quiet the audience. "Welcome one and all. I hope you are sitting comfortably... you won't believe what you are about to see."
Once a hush has overcome the assembled crowd, Mr Spinks flourishes his arms, in the way a well-trained and experienced actor would. "Now, let me take you on a journey across the stars. Aldebaran – the brightest star in the constellation of Taurus – is named for the Arabic phrase al Dabarān, meaning the follower, because it has chased the Pleiades across the sky since the dawn of time."
"Oh," whispers Safiya, her breath warm against Yaz's ear. "I'm glad we have another Pleiades fan in the room tonight."
"Humans have stared up at Aldebaran for millennia, wondering what secrets it's distant light hides. Well, tonight I am proud to say that I can give you those answers."
A surprised sound ripples through the audience and Safiya even looks a little excited. In contrast, dread settles at the pit of Yaz's stomach. During her years travelling with the Doctor, she has come to learn that mysteries only beget bigger mysteries, and anybody who claims to have all the answers is either a charlatan or a snake oil salesman.
"Aldebaran is home to the Arcan system, a helix of planets on which live the strangest of residents. The Arcateenians are walking stars, their bodies containing the earliest breath of the universe, even though their minds are in every way inferior to our own. Just think what humanity could do if we were to use their powers. I am proud to introduce one such Arcateenian to you tonight!"
As Mr Spinks' voice reaches a crescendo, the curtains open with a dramatic flourish to reveal a cage, as high as the Proscenium Arch and almost a wide. The bars are made of a heavy, dark material that Yaz doesn't recognise; given her experience, she might almost deem it unworldly. However, it is not just the cage that gives Yaz cause for concern, but what is inside it.
"Oh my God," says Safiya to Yaz's left. "What is that?"
Yaz has no answer. The being in the cage is clearly not from Earth. She is humanoid, but tall and graceful, her body levitating and transparent, like material floating in water. She has a face, and eyes, and a mouth, and legs and arms, and she is gazing at Mr Spinks as if she knows something deep about him. A cloak of greyness shrouds her.
A chill runs up Yaz's spine.
"This little beauty is from Arcateen Five, and although she might appear magical to you, on her home planet her job is just to replicate the brightness of the stars so the poets and artists can work through the long dark nights... just as she is about to do for you now."
The creature just continues to look at Mr Spinks, her eyes blank, no brighter than any of the hundreds of people in the audience. It is only then that Yaz spots the collar. It is wrapped around the creature's neck, made of the same intimidating metal as the bars of the cage. Yaz can only watch, horrified, as Mr Spinks retrieves a small device from his pocket. Although Yaz is some way away, it is easy to see that whatever the device is, it controls the collar around the creature's neck. The creature turns away from Mr Spinks, refusing to obey his order, but then the Ringmaster presses the button on the device and the being is shocked by a bolt of electricity, so bright that Yaz can see it crackle behind the bars.
As the creature contorts in pain, Mr Spinks tries again.
"Just... as she... is... about to do... for you... right now!"
Once again, the creature spasms in pain as yet another bolt of electricity ricochets through her body, and finally her resistance ends. Her whole body begins to light up, bone by bone and sinew by sinew. Soon she is shining like a star, just as Mr Spinks promised, a lantern in the gloom of the theatre. But Yaz cannot sit by and oooh and aaah like the other members of the audience. This is not a miracle of the stars, but one cruel man inflicting pain on a defenceless creature for his own profit.
Yaz is up on her feet before she can think twice.
"Stop it! Stop it! You're hurting her!"
The shout from the audience causes the Ringmaster to stop his torturing of the alien, and his cool grey eyes slide over his new prey: Yaz, with nothing to defend herself but a pack of Tangfastics.
"Ah, we have an alien rights activist, do we?" he purrs, his tone quiet but amplified like a dramatic whisper. "I wasn't expecting one of your kind in this galaxy."
Yaz makes a disgusted sound at the back of her throat. "What's my kind? Someone who cares?"
"Someone who doesn't see the bigger picture," retorts Mr Spinks. "If you do not sit still, I will have to ask you to leave."
He lifts his hand and makes a summoning gesture, and Yaz becomes suddenly aware of the heavy-set men hovering by every exit. How has she been so stupid to walk into a situation like this with little to no support? As hard as she tries, she is not the Doctor.
"Yaz," says Safiya, tugging on Yaz's sleeve. "If you are going, I'll come with you. I'll–"
But Yaz has no time to think of Safiya. Moving away from her seat and into the aisle, Yaz darts towards the stage. Because of the Doctor, she has learnt that sometimes thugs with henchmen are only putting on a show of aggression, so if she can get up onto the stage, she might be able to do something for the poor creature locked behind bars. Mr Spinks' grand threatening show might collapse in a heartbeat.
"My apologies Ladies and Gentlemen," says Mr Spinks, as his lackeys emerge from the shadows, grabbing Yaz with strong hands before she can get remotely close to the Ringmaster. "We will get back to the show once this intruder has been removed."
Desperately trying to get away from Spinks' lackeys, Yaz attempts to heave herself out of their grasp, but there is too many of them and she is easily overpowered. Somewhere very far away Safiya is calling her name, but Yaz barely hears her as the crowd are cheering, celebrating the torture of an innocent creature and the expulsion of someone swimming against the tide.
The Doctor would have been able to save her, thinks Yaz, as the men drag her towards the fire exit and into the alleyway behind the cinema. The Doctor could have ended this.
"I think it's important to remember that life doesn't end with the Doctor, and you can have adventures long after he is gone," says Jo, every inch her usual cheery self.
Ian takes a sip of his tea, nodding in agreement.
"Cliff and I travelled the world together," continues Jo. "The Amazon, the Nile, the Great Wall of China. We worked as environmental scientists and lived and loved and raised children and grandchildren together. I always remembered what the Doctor had taught me, and I lived my life by his example. So, I'm not sure he ever really left me. If I see injustice, I stand up to it, just as he would want me to do."
"Me too," interjects Mel. "It would be so easy to sit back, rest on my laurels, and pretend the Doctor's heroics are all in the past. But they are here, living within me... and I will never let them die."
Yaz's heart is racing a million miles an hour as she lifts her herself up from the alley floor, her hands grazed, but the adrenaline that is coursing through her veins does not get in her way. She knows what she must do. Picking up her phone, she calls the one person she knows might be able to help, who might be able to stop this injustice.
"Kate? Kate? Is that you? Can you hear me?"
"Yes, I can hear you," replies Kate, the connection a little weak. "I'm in my office just catching up on some work. What do you need?"
Yaz takes a deep breath, before starting to speak very quickly, stumbling over her words. "Erm... so I'm on this date-sorta-thing in Sheffield, and we went to this old cinema to see a light show... and the ringmaster had an alien, Kate. An alien!And he was torturing her!"
"Alright, alright," says Kate in a calming tone. "I'll track your location and be with you as soon as possible. Just keep calm. You're not alone."
At that, Kate hangs up, leaving Yaz standing in the silence in the abandoned alleyway. She is about to start musing on the best way to save the Arcateenian star poet before Kate's arrival, when the emergency exit to the cinema bursts open, and Safiya comes rushing out. She looks relieved to see Yaz is alive.
"Are you okay?" she says, rushing forward and pulling Yaz into a comforting hug.
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm–"
Before she can tell Safiya exactly what happened to her, there is a loud zoooompf sound and Safiya leaps out of her arms, her eyes wide. Surprised, Yaz turns around to see what Safiya is looking at, only to find Kate Stewart standing behind her, a vortex manipulator around her wrist.
"Couldn't you drive like a normal person?" says Yaz, folding her arms.
Kate shrugs. "I thought it would be quicker this way. I'm only here to survey the situation before I call the rest of UNIT in... otherwise they'll just come in all guns blazing."
Yaz stares at Kate, amazed by her flippant tone. "You thought it would be quicker?"
"Yaz, there's lot's going on at the moment in London, I had to be speedy, I... who is this?"
It takes Yaz a few seconds to realise Kate is talking about Safiya.
"This is Safiya," says Yaz, "my... err... date."
While Kate raises a hand in greeting, Safiya just stares at Yaz's newly arrived friend, eyes wide. It takes Yaz a moment to realise why. She has spent years in the company of people who know and understand the width and breadth of the universe, and who wouldn't be surprised by a vortex manipulator, so Safiya's greenness feels quite new. Yet Yaz has no time to explain; someone is in danger, and they need her help.
"There's a man in there. His name... or his stage-name... is Gorman, Gorman Spinks. He's dressed up as a Victorian ringmaster, and he has a creature... I think he called it an Arcateenian or something... and she's being tortured. You need to get in there and free her, because what Spinks is doing is cruel. It's what the Doctor would want."
At the evocation of the Doctor's name, Kate nods, brushing off her over-worked hurriedness in order to focus on the distressed innocent. She pats Yaz on the shoulder before walking past her to the emergency exit, readying herself in case danger comes. Safiya's stares at her – goggle eyed – as Kate uses a small laser device to unlock the door.
"Thanks very much for calling me, Yaz," says Kate. "I'll keep you posted."
With a click-clack of her designer boots, Kate enters into the old cinema, offering Yaz a brief smile as she goes. Although Yaz is relieved that some help has arrived, she's sad that she can't do more. When she had been travelling with Doctor, it was her who would have been striding into danger, side by side with the all-conquering hero. Now, she can only stand aside as others save the innocents and defend the weak.
"Yaz..."
Sighing, Yaz turns to Safiya. She's going to have to come up with some cock-and-bull story to explain everything that Safiya has just seen with her own eyes. For some reason, she just doesn't have the energy for it; it feels like treading over a painful part of her life, a part that she has not yet become reconciled to.
"Safiya, what you just saw–"
"What you just did... it's the bravest thing I've ever seen."
Surprised by Safiya's attempt to cast her in a good light, Yaz shrugs. "I was only doing what any decent person would do. I–"
Before she can finish, Safiya kisses her, and it quickly shuts Yaz up. She hasn't been kissed in a very long time, and the warmth of another person wrapping her arms around her is almost too much to resist. Safiya's long thin fingers come to Yaz's hair, her thumb brushing against her cheek. It is so tender that Yaz almost cries.
When Safiya pulls away, she is smiling, and Yaz finds she can only echo the expression back. "Look," says Safiya, "maybe this light show wasn't a great idea, so perhaps we should go somewhere else. How do you feel about dinner somewhere fancy in town? I could do with some sushi. And then you can explain to me how on earth that woman just appeared out of thin air."
For once, Yaz is excited in her agreement.
"The hardest thing for me was getting used to boring."
Ace is spinning a beaded bracelet around on her finger, as she tells the gathered members of Companions Anonymousabout her return home. The rhythm of the motion would be hypnotically soothing, if it weren't for Ace's jagged tone.
"Waitressing. Boring. Redecorating. Boring. Weekends to the Cotswolds. Boring. How could anything on Planet Earth ever compare to the adventures I had with the Doctor?"
At Ace's question, Yaz takes a bite of her bland Rich Tea biscuit and remembers the delicious taste of Novatorian Grassweed Soup that she had shared with the Doctor. Ace has a point.
"I struggled with depression for a while," continues Ace, "because my body cried out for adrenaline and action, but instead I was just faced with the endless mundane." Abruptly, Ace stops playing with the bracelet, and puts it down in her lap. "It took me a long time to realise that my happiness had nothing to do with the Doctor. I had to build it myself, I had no choice but to make my own adventures... to find my own fun... so that's what I did."
With her free hand, she reaches for Graham who is sitting beside her, and squeezes his fingers. He smiles at her. Yaz is pleased; she hasn't seen Graham so happy since Grace died. Ace's love for adventure has given Graham a new life after everything, and although they haven't put a label on it, they are happy together.
Yaz can only be pleased for them.
"Excitement and adventure come in very many guises," says Ace, a mischievous smile crossing her face. "But to be honest, they're made all the better if you are carrying a baseball bat as you go."
Almost imperceptibly, Yaz and Safiya slip into a relationship.
Yaz doesn't quite understand how because she is keeping secrets from her new girlfriend, and surely trust is the most important thing. She had brushed Kate materialising in front of Safiya's eyes off as Kate being an inventor and had only managed to get Safiya to shut up about it by kissing her over some sashimi at the sushi restaurant.
On their fourth date, when they go stargazing up in the hills around Sheffield, Safiya brings a picnic and a comfortable blanket. After they spot Venus slowly moving across the sky, Safiya brings her hand to Yaz's cheek and they kiss deeply, her other hand dropping between Yaz's legs, rubbing against her core. This feels so right, in a way. Yaz and the Doctor had never kissed. It had never been the right time, even though Yaz had wanted to kiss her more than anything. With Safiya it is different. She is unafraid to take what she wants, and Yaz finds herself leaning into her bravery. She also cannot resist a girl who seems to know how to use her fingers in such a way that it makes Yaz's toes curl.
"Do you want to come back to mine?" Safiya asks. "I promise I'll even make you breakfast in the morning."
Yaz nods.
She likes Safiya. She likes Safiya a lot. Sometimes, Yaz even thinks she might be able to love Safiya, if the timing were right. They go on dates – to restaurants, bowling, and even a weekend to Alton Towers – and Yaz soon learns what Safiya is all about. Alongside her job at the Co-op, she is doing an Open University course in astronomy, and is hoping to eventually become a scientist as a career. She is put together and ambitious and fun and kind, everything Yaz would ever dream of in a girlfriend.
And yet... and yet...
Unsurprisingly, it all falls apart a few months in when Yaz invites Safiya for dinner with the family. It's not because Safiya upsets Yaz's parents or because Yaz says something wrong, but because the past is resurrected, and Yaz is not yet willing to face it.
"I'm so happy that Yaz has found someone special," says Yaz's mum, a huge smile on her face as she tucks into her spaghetti.
Sonya rolls her eyes. "It's about time."
Sonya's comment is promptly ignored, as Mum hurries on. "I was worried that Yaz would never find someone, especially after what happened with the Doctor."
"The Doctor?" asks Safiya, glancing at Yaz with a worried expression. "Who is the Doctor?"
Yaz sighs. She had thought she might be able to keep the Doctor somewhat private, like a sentimental object she keeps locked in a box next to her bed. However, Safiya is looking at her expectantly, and Yaz knows that Safiya clearly needs her to open up in a way she is perhaps not quite ready for."
"The Doctor is... the Doctor is..."
After several sessions of talking about the Doctor, Companions Anonymous gets a new attendee.
"This is Companions Anonymous, right?" the newbie asks, sticking her head round the door.
"Yes!" says Graham, getting to his feet. "Come in, come in. If you are a friend of the Doctor, you're a friend to us all. The tea and coffees are over there, and Tegan has even managed to rustle up a packet of biscuits. Dan, will you get another chair for our new friend... erm... sorry, I don't think you've said your name?"
"It's Martha, Martha Jones."
"Hello, Martha. I'm Graham, and this is Yaz and Dan and... oh, you'll meet everyone in a minute. Come and sit down, make yourself comfortable."
Martha Jones strikes Yaz as very different to the other members of Companions Anonymous, who are a rag-tag collection of waifs and strays who the Doctor had taken under his wing (or, in Ian's case, purposefully kidnapped). Martha Jones is no waif or stray. Yaz can instantly tell she is a put-together professional, right from her perfectly styled hair to the perilous stiletto shoes. Despite this somewhat intimidating appearance, she has a warm smile and easily fits in with the group, so it is not long before she ends up telling her story.
"When I met the Doctor, I was a medical student at the Royal Hope Hospital in London. At the time, life was good, if a little complicated. My parents were divorced and were at each other’s throats, my brother and sister hated Dad's new girlfriend... and I was stuck in the middle, playing peacemaker. It was good to get away."
Get away sounds so casual, as if Martha had just popped to Lanzarote or Tenerife rather the travel the stars, but Yaz understands why she would want to talk about her travels with the Doctor so flippantly. It's so she can pretend they didn't really matter, that they weren't the most important days of her life.
"I enjoyed it at first. I met Shakespeare, went to the far future, and saw the Moon Landing four times. I could put all the problems of my normal life in a box and just experience the thrill of running away and not having to care about everyone and everything... of meeting people and going new places and trying new food. And I got to do it all in the company of this amazing man, this amazing man I would have done anything for."
Martha's comments hit too close to the bone, so Yaz raises a question.
"Anything?"
"Anything," replies Martha, resolute. "I worked in a shop in 1969 after we got separated from the TARDIS, trying to keep us both fed. I spent months stuck in 1913, guarding him from aliens who wanted to destroy him. I walked across the world telling people his story in a timeline that's been wiped from memory, at great personal cost... all because I loved him."
Love is a word that Companions Anonymous carefully treads around when it comes to the Doctor, otherwise it could very easily become a gathering of jilted lovers moaning about their ex. Because there is always love when the Doctor is around. It might be one of old friends who haven't seen each other for twenty years, or of schoolchildren who click easily, or of a couple who have spent sixty years growing old together, but whichever way it is love. And sometimes love can burn like fire and become a danger to everyone near.
"I'd never really been in love like that before," says Martha, her admittance accompanied by a sense of sadness. "I'd had boyfriends, but they'd been a comfort blanket while I worked on my goals – getting into university, then my medical exams, then making sure my family don't kill each other. I only knew real love for the first time, the type that possesses you completely, when I met the Doctor."
Yaz knows the feeling.
Martha takes a sip of tea that Graham had provided her, before looking back across the room oddly embarrassed. "But what did that love do to me? It made me put aside the things that mattered to me like my family and my job, and the safety of those I cared about. I so needed to be near him, that I let my love for him eat everything else. I only realised how bad it got when my family were hurt by my relationship with the Doctor... and even then, he couldn't give me what I needed. I had to leave, because at the end of the day I knew I had to choose myself."
"Do you regret walking away?"
Yaz doesn't realise it is herself who has spoken until the other companions turn to look at her, the same curiosity in their eyes. During her time with the Doctor, Yaz could have never imagined turning her back on her. There had been too much tying them together.
Martha shakes her head. "No. It's the bravest thing I've ever done. I could have stayed and drowned myself in my love for him and the life he offered me... but then I wouldn't have been respecting myself. And that's the most important thing."
A few days after the dinner, the bomb drops.
When Yaz turns up at Safiya's flat, she thinks they are just going to play PlayStation and watch some trashy TV, but Safiya has such a serious look on her face that Yaz can tell that this is it... whatever it is.
"I'm not sure I can do this anymore," says Safiya, the words coming out in a rush. It's clear she has been considering the best way to say all this for a long time and has settled on quickly ripping it off like a plaster. "I love what we do together, Yaz. I love the fun and adventures, the dates and the laughs, and the sex is great too... but I'm not sure I can do this. I really, really like you... but I have a feeling that you're holding me at a distance and after what your mum said about the Doctor... I know you're not being completely honest with me, and if I'm spending time with someone, I need them to be open and transparent. It's because of my own wounds, you see."
Safiya is looking down at her hands, clearly unable to meet Yaz's eye. She's said what she's needed to say gently and gracefully, but it still hits Yaz like a sucker punch. They haven't been together long, but somehow it hurts Yaz more than she was anticipating when Safiya says she wants to end it. Maybe love comes in many guises.
"You know, you're not owed every detail of my past," says Yaz, desperate to defend herself. "I don't have to tell you every heartbreak of mine to get you to trust me."
Safiya's eyes flash. "I know I'm not... but if there is something making you hold yourself back from me, something that prevents you from being present in the moment with me... I need to know. I need to know I'm not wasting my time. I could never be near someone who refuses to let me close."
Yaz swallows. She knows now is the opportunity to spill the beans and tell Safiya the whole sad story about the Doctor and how she has now disappeared into the blackness of the universe, if only to save their budding relationship... but she can't do it. Yaz's heart has wrapped itself around her pain and is valiantly trying to protect her from making the same stupid mistakes again.
"I'm sorry... I don't think I can."
Safiya nods, oddly stiff. "Then I think we might be over."
Yaz can't find the words to get her to stay.
"It feels a bit strange sitting here talking about the Doctor, because I feel the person I actually went on the most adventures with through time and space... was Yaz."
Yaz looks up, surprised.
"Me?"
"Yeah," laughs Dan. "If you really think about it, we spent those three years together in the 1900s with Jericho and Peggy and I spent... what?... ten minutes with the Doctor. You had much longer with her, whereas for me I was in Liverpool waiting to go on a date with Diane one moment and in 1901 the next. And then we had to fight for survival and find a way of going back to the Doctor... but I only did all that for you."
Yaz furrows her brow, taken aback by Dan's admission.
"Me?" she says again.
"Yes, you." He smiles with a lightness Yaz could never manage. "You are one of my closest friends, Yaz, and I could see you wanted to be back with her... but to me, the Doctor was just an enigma. I never knew her. Yes, her magic box was the means of my adventures, but I didn't know her... not in the way I knew Yaz and Jericho or even Diane back home. So it was easy for me to leave when it got too much for me, because I was swapping uncertainty for security. I know Diane's birthday and the name of her childhood dog, and the fact her favourite ice cream flavour is Raspberry Ripple. But could I ever say the same about the Doctor? It was like following a god who would never answer my prayers."
Yaz takes a bite of a biscuit and it catches in her throat.
"What do you want?"
"To talk."
"Why?"
"Because I haven't told you everything... and you deserve to know."
Safiya narrows her eyes at Yaz. It's clear she is not quite ready to trust her or anything she has to say, but Yaz is good enough with people to sense there is some hope still there. Even after everything that has happened, maybe they can still fix things. The past two weeks of the silent treatment have been torture for Yaz, and she wants to make it right... even if it doesn't result in them getting back together.
Safiya takes a deep breath, stealing herself. "Alright, you can come in... but not for long. I'm going to the cinema with Cousin Hasan in an hour."
Pulling the door of her flat open, Safiya gestures for Yaz to come inside, and Yaz obeys. Safiya lives in a studio flat, where everything is crammed in so neatly that the dining table can be levered upwards to line the wall. There are posters on the wall mapping the constellations, as well as a quote from Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space. Given how much Safiya knows about the stars, Yaz wonders how well she will take this news.
"Do you want a cup of tea?" asks Safiya.
"No, thank you. I'm okay."
With that Safiya knows Yaz is here for a very serious conversation, so heads over to the sofa so they can begin. Yaz comes and sits beside her, trying to ignore the way her hands are shaking, and how tears are biting at the corners of her eyes.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" asks Safiya, folding her arms across her chest.
Yaz swallows. "I want to talk about us."
"There is no us." Safiya's tone is hard and gravelly, as if she's made up her mind.
"Not even if I tell you the truth about the Doctor?"
At that statement, Safiya's whole demeanour changes. The hard stance of her body relaxes and her expression goes from stone to soft. It is clear she is intrigued by Yaz's offer to open up, even if it will not ultimately end with reconciliation.
So Yaz tells Safiya everything. She tells her about meeting the Doctor for the first time on that derailed train in the middle of the night, when she had been a young, naive police officer who didn't even believe there was anything beyond her own career and ambition. She tells her about accidentally being sucked into the vast vacuum of space for a few terrifying moments, of being choked by endless nothingness, before she had been rescued. She told her about every single subsequent adventure that Yaz and the Doctor had shared, alongside Ryan and Graham and Dan. She told her about the three years trapped in the past, of trying to make it work in a time where she had nothing to hold onto apart from a small girl and two men she had just met. She told her about her longing for the Doctor, and how she had crossed the Earth in an effort to get back to her. She told her how everything was never the same afterwards, and how the Doctor was injured in a battle with her worst enemy that it looked like she couldn't survive. She told her about ice cream in the stars, and about how she had been forced to leave the Doctor because she refused to let Yaz in when she was at her most vulnerable.
"That's the hard thing," says Yaz, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I left the Doctor against my will, so it's been hard to move on. I have friends who know what it's like – Graham and Dan – but she was never their first love, and they were never going to travel with her forever. If I'd have had my way, I'd have stayed with her until my dying day. So, now I'm back here, I'm trying to move on... and I do really care for you, Saf... but I don't want to hurt you by not letting you in when I'm most vulnerable. I don't want to hurt you in the way she hurt me."
Yaz only realises Safiya is rubbing soothing circles into her back when she comes to the end of her story, a story that would sound crazy and nonsensical to the wrong ears. But something about Safiya's expression makes Yaz think she doesn't believe she is mad, and it charms her much more than any expensive date ever could.
"Do you believe me?"
Safiya nods. "Yes, I do. There are more things in heaven and earth, Yaz, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Yaz lets out a hiccuping laugh. It seems someone was paying attention in English Lit.
"We all have our pasts, Yaz," says Safiya, looking at her understandingly. "Megan... my ex... I walked in on her with a mutual friend of ours. Years of love went down the drain in a heartbeat, because I just couldn't trust her anymore. I've been working on it, and maybe I'm not yet ready for my next big love story, but I am ready to date and spend time with people I care about. I know there are good things for me in the future... and I'm working on not being scared of them when they're sitting right in front of me crying about their ex."
Yaz looks at Safiya through her tears, who is smiling warmly at her. Suddenly, it all seems so clear. Yaz can love the Doctor – in fact, she always will in one way or the other – but it doesn't mean her heart isn't capable of loving anyone else. Look at Companions Anonymous; every single one of them has lived beyond the Doctor, it's just a matter of looking in the right place.
Sniffling, Yaz wipes her tears away with the back of her hand.
"Are you saying you want to give things a try? Even when I'm a complete mess?"
Safiya nods, smiling.
"Yes, I am. And we don't even have to put a label on it if you're not ready. We can just enjoy each other's company and see where the road takes us."
"Would you travel with the Doctor again?" asks Mel. "If the opportunity presented itself, I mean?"
Kate nods. "Absolutely. If I got the chance to see the stars, I'd take that chance in a heartbeat."
Others are more ambivalent.
"I'm too old now," chuckles Ian. "But if I was still a young man, I might think about it."
Jo goes starry-eyed. "I would relish the chance to see him again, I think. It's been so long."
"No, I wouldn't," says Martha, always practical. "But to see him again? Yes, I would love that... just as I would love to see any old friend."
At Martha's answer, all eyes turn to Yaz.
"Yaz?" asks Dan. "What about you?"
Yaz and Safiya marry three years later, when the nights are long and the leaves are orange.
They choose to do it at the registry office, then have the reception at a nearby golf club. Yaz's mum had got a job re-designing their bar the previous year, so they'd managed to get a discount on the place. Everyone had been in attendance – even Safiya's parents – and Yaz hadn't been able to stop smiling. Perhaps this is not the life she had envisioned for herself when hiking through the mountains in 1904 with Dan and Jericho desperately searching for the Doctor, but it is a life. It is her life. It is an adventure she has chosen herself, rather than one which began being accidentally kidnapped by a madwoman in a box.
After the dinner, the toasts, and the first dance, those gathered have broken out into a raucous party. Dan, Yaz's friend from Liverpool, is DJ-ing, and even Yaz's Grandma is trying to sing along with the eclectic music selection. Yaz had spent some time dancing with Safiya, but then her new bride had been distracted by her Cousin Hasan bodypopping, so Yaz had taken the opportunity to go and get some fresh air.
The veranda overlooks the golf course, which has a large ornamental pond at the centre. Yaz supposes it is meant as an obstacle for the golfers, but in the moonlight it looks like it has been placed there just for her. It reflects all the stars she had once journeyed between with the Doctor, and even today she just likes to reminisce.
She is just reliving technicolour of the Betelgeuse Supernova viewed from the Observatory on Planet Froon, when the sliding door behind her creaks open. Her new guest is young – eighteen or nineteen at most – with bright blonde hair, holey tights, and a scar on her eyebrow. Yaz doesn't recognise her, per se, but there is something familiar about her. Something she cannot name.
"Hi," says the girl, her voice barely audible over the loud music. She closes the door in order to be heard. "It's a great party."
"Thanks."
Moving slowly, the girl comes to stand beside Yaz, joining her in staring out at the moonlit pond. Yaz doesn't know what to say. She doesn't recognise this strange girl and can't quite piece together why she's here, so doesn't know how to start a conversion.
"Sorry, who are you?" asks Yaz eventually, thinking solid facts are the best way forward. "Are you a friend of Sonya's? Or someone Safiya knew in Brighton?"
The girl shakes her head. "Nothing like that. Sorry, I'm being rude. I didn't introduce myself. My name's Ruby. I'm... a friend of a friend."
Even though that barely answers any questions, Yaz nods. Her police-senses tingling, so she turns to look at the girl, trying to piece her together.
"So, you're a gate crasher?"
The girl blushes. "Well, I suppose so. I don't know you. I don't know your new wife, or your family, or your in-laws. I just came here because of my friend. They wanted me to give you something... to wish you luck... for the wedding... and your future."
With none of that making any sense, Yaz just stares at Ruby, searching for answers. They do not come. Eventually, tired of the silence, Ruby sighs somewhat melodramatically. "I'm sorry. I'm not very good at this. Perhaps it is just better if I give it to you."
Reaching into the pocket of her denim jacket, Ruby pulls out a small envelope. Yaz isn't particularly impressed at first glance; she and Safiya have been gifted loads of wedding presents by their extended family and friends – fancy cookware, Tupperware, fluted glasses – so in comparison, this doesn't look like much. However, when Ruby puts the envelope into her hand, Yaz's heart nearly skips a beat. The paper is warm and has an oddly creamy texture, and if Yaz were to squint she is sure she would see the envelope glowing.
Yaz snaps her head up.
"Who is this from?" Yaz demands of Ruby.
Ruby smiles. "Open it."
With hasty fingers Yaz begins to open the envelope, trying not to tear it, and inside she finds another piece of paper folded into a neat square. On opening it, she discovers a small pressed flower unlike anything ever seen on Earth, its petals glowing a faint burnt red. As tears come to her eyes, Yaz musters up the courage to read the accompanying note.
Where I come from, it is lucky to gift someone a dandelion on the day of their wedding, in the hope that the love will endure as long as this mighty weed. I believe this to be the last of its kind, as I found it taking its last breath on the Burning Vermilion Fields beyond the ruins of the Citadel. The memories need a guardian and I thought of you.
Treasure it, as I treasure you.
From a fellow ice cream lover.
As the tears begin to roll down her cheeks, Yaz looks up at Ruby, the picture coming into focus at last. Ruby is not a friend of Sonya's or Safiya's. No. She is a companion of the Doctor.
"Are you travelling with her?"
"Yes."
A stab of jealousy penetrates Yaz's gut, but also a breath of relief.
"Is she safe?"
"Yes."
"Is she happy?"
Ruby does not answer immediately, as a cloud crosses her expression. "I think so... at least, as far as I can tell. It's a bit difficult to understand an immortal time traveller sometimes, isn't it?"
Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, Yaz lets out a little laugh. "Yes, it can be difficult."
Once she has composed herself fully, Yaz looks back up at Ruby, who is still giving her that consoling smile Yaz herself once gave to people baffled and bewildered by the Doctor. Suddenly, she realises why Ruby looks familiar to her. She is Yaz herself, as she was a lifetime ago, still filled with dreams of a life in the stars with the Doctor. A lump blooms in Yaz's throat.
"Look after her, okay?"
Ruby nods, oddly serious. "Okay."
"And look after yourself." Yaz thinks of her friends at Companions Anonymous and how they have lived their whole lives in the shadow of the Doctor. "And just know that once your adventure with the Doctor is over – your brilliant, bright adventure – you can come and find us. Her friends. And we'll be able to help you."
Ruby's brow furrows and Yaz senses that she wants to argue; she's holding back the very words Yaz herself would have said when she was in her position. Surely her adventures with the Doctor will never come to an end? She'll travel with her forever, skipping between universes and eons and star systems in her magic blue box. However, Ruby clearly decides against saying it, and instead gives Yaz yet another small smile.
"Of course. I promise."
With one last nod, Ruby turns away. She takes the stairs down towards the lake rather than inside into the reception, and then walks across the grounds towards the gate. Yaz watches her go. She wonders if she herself had once looked as Ruby does now when travelling with the Doctor – confident, self-assured, overjoyed at being sat at the right hand of the king. Ruby has not yet realised that her life with the Doctor can only ever be fleeting, and that one day she will have to give it up too... just as Yaz has, just as they all have.
Despite her better instincts, Yaz's eyes remain stuck to Ruby as she walks away, right the way up to the gate at the perimeter of the property. She is almost angry with herself that even after all this time she feels the need to cling on tight to the Doctor, even some small piece of her, an echo of an echo. Her irritation is so overwhelming that it takes Yaz a few moments to realise someone is waiting for Ruby at the gate, eagle-eyed and iridescent and immediately familiar.
It is a man. A man in an orange coat.
He waves at her.
Tears fill Yaz's eyes. She now understands what Tegan had meant when she said the Doctor stays the same but everything changes. There, just emerging from the dark, is the Doctor – her Doctor, Yaz's Doctor – and yet he is also a total stranger, someone that Yaz has never met. Even if she ran forward and embraced him, the love that Yaz feels for her Doctor would still be thwarted and denied, and all the stars in the heavens would not replace that person and that time that they had lost together.
Yaz returns the wave, then walks back into the wedding reception.
Enough, she tells herself. Enough.