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Yoichi Shigaraki had always been an incurable optimist. When Captain Hero had been canceled, he’d firmly believed his favorite comic would return someday. His faith had been rewarded with a reboot and half a dozen spinoffs. When his older brother had gone through a juvenile delinquent phase, Yoichi had used Captain Hero-style monologues to turn him back to the side of righteousness. The monologues had only seemed to edge Hisashi on to act even worse. However, then Hisashi had won a prize for teenage mangakas and redirected his efforts into creating wonderful villains on paper. Yoichi still believed Captain Hero had indirectly saved his brother since Hisashi had started drawing manga so he could create stories where the villain won. When Yoichi’s relationship with Chikara Yotsubashi had proven a disastrous mistake, he’d decided this must be the opening act of a story where he dumped a jerk to find true love. Sure enough, he’d met Kaiji Kudou not long afterward. Their love had been brilliant and passionate and perfect up until Yoichi learned his boyfriend had never seen Captain Hero and had only been pretending to agree with his takes. But after a very long marathon, Yoichi had successfully converted his boyfriend to a Captain Hero fan. Kudou even betaread Yoichi’s fanfics. Optimism won again!
The happiest day of Yoichi’s life had been when Kudou proposed marriage using a replica of Captain Hero’s ring of power. Yoichi had already started planning their Captain Hero themed wedding. Kudou had asked Sanzou Bruce, his best friend, to be his best man. As for himself, Yoichi could only ever imagine his twin brother as his best man. Hisashi and Yoichi had been together ever since the womb. They had grown up in an orphanage. Despite frequent brotherly squabbles growing up, they’d always had each other’s backs. Yoichi needed his brother to wear a Demon King tie to match his own Captain Hero one in his white wedding suit. There was only one problem: Hisashi and Kudou mutually hated each other.
But Yoichi remained an incurable optimist. He just knew that both his beloved and his brother would see each other’s good points, if only they could be convinced to spend time together. Unfortunately, after a disastrous dinner where Hisashi’s hair had been set on fire (leading to him going temporarily bald) and Kudou got a nasty cut across his face (it had healed without a scar), the two of them had refused to be in each other’s presence.
How was Yoichi supposed to convince them to reconcile if they wouldn’t even speak to each other? As Captain Hero had said in volume two, sometimes trickery could serve the side of good. So Yoichi had invited both Hisashi and Kudou on a road trip. Not just any road trip, but the Northanger Road Trip. Travel groups across Japan claimed it was a cursed road trip that usually caused everyone who went on it to hate each other. Therefore, Yoichi had reasoned, if he took along two people who hated each other, they would become good friends by the end of the trip.
Yoichi’s incurable optimism had decided Hisashi and Kudou probably wouldn’t refuse to go on the trip as soon as they found out their mortal enemy had also been invited along. Not if he turned on the tears, anyway.
Kaiji Kudou was an enormous simp for Yoichi Shigaraki, and he’d never deny it.
Kudou swept his boyfriend—now fiancé—up into a hug. “Yoichi, I can’t wait to go on this road trip.” Actually, Kudou was a bit puzzled why they were going on a road trip when they had a wedding to plan and a honeymoon to save their vacation days for. But Kudou loved his fiancé too much to even ask questions. What Yoichi wanted, Yoichi got. Kudou had willingly watched twenty-one seasons of children’s superhero show for Yoichi and pretended to love it. (Eventually the show had grown on him, though he still preferred the more complex and interesting fanfiction.) Kudou was even willing to become in-laws with Hisashi (the most dreadfully pretentious snob in Japan) for Yoichi. In comparison, a road trip was a small ask.
With a kiss, Yoichi said, “I’m glad you could make it on such short notice, Kudou.”
Kaiji Kudou had always thought his last name sounded more badass than his first, so he got all his friends to call him Kudou. (His family had laughed in his face. Mitsuki, his sister, had accused him of being pretentious and teased him for months.) Fortunately Yoichi had been willing to call him anything he wanted, including darling and sweetheart and my hero.
With a goofy smile, Kudou said, “This will be fun…” His voice trailed off when he saw Hisashi leaning against the car, reading a map.
Looking up, Hisashi said, “We should get started if we want to make the first hotel in time for dinner.” His eyes widened as he saw Kudou. “You. Brother thief.”
“Yoichi is not an object to be stolen,” Kudou growled. This was why he hated the man. There was sibling protectiveness, then there was whatever weirdness Hisashi had going on. Kudou hated how controlling Hisashi acted toward Yoichi.
“Surprise?” Yoichi said weakly. His words poured out in a rapid rush: “Big brother, I’m getting married to Kudou and I’d like you to be my best man. Please get to know him so you can see what I love about him and accept our marriage. This is important to me.” He clasped his hands together and widened his eyes.
“Marriage?!” Hisashi shrieked, as hysterical as if his little brother had been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
“Best man?” Kudou groaned. “Come on, Yoichi, he’ll ruin the wedding like he tried to ruin my face.”
“Pleeeeeeeeeeease?” Yoichi begged, tears welling up in his eyes.
Did Kudou love Yoichi this much? He gazed into those beautiful green eyes. Apparently he did.
Hisashi had always considered himself a lucky person. Even though he’d started life as an orphan with albinism and a twin brother with severe health problems. Doctors had told him that Yoichi would be unlikely to live to his teens, and teachers had told Hisashi he should be realistic about his chances of getting into college, but he’d refused to believe any of them. He’d save his brother no matter what, and rise in society for both of their sakes. He’d always known he was destined for greatness. Through constant attentiveness and sheer force of will, he’d coaxed his frail twin through countless breathing attacks. In high school, Hisashi had worked two parttime jobs to afford Yoichi’s medical treatment and won a scholarship for college. One of his college professors, Dr. Garaki, had told Hisashi he’d have better chances of succeeding in life if he abandoned his sickly twin, so Hisashi had immediately switched majors and cut ties. He would always protect his little brother. He would fight death itself for Yoichi—and he’d won. Through natural talent, he’d risen to become the most famous mangaka in Japan (in his own mind) with a beautiful mansion and enough wealth to buy all the demon king merchandise he could dream of. With expensive treatments, his little brother’s health had recovered. He’d been fortunate enough to marry a beautiful, loving wife and have the most adorable son in the world. He’d believed himself past the worst parts of his life.
When Yoichi had started dating Chikara Yotsubashi, Hisashi’s faith in his luck had been tested. Then Chikara had turned out to be a gangster who went by the stupid name Destro, had secretly gotten into an arranged marriage behind Yoichi’s back, and had stalked Yoichi for six months after getting justly dumped. Hisashi’s faith in his good luck had been restored, because all that was still better than being in-laws with someone like Chikara, and because he could lord his little brother’s bad taste over him forever.
But Yoichi had failed to learn any lessons, next bringing home a punk with tattoos named Kaiji Kudou. Unfortunately, Yoichi had a type, and it included: foul-mouthed, rebelling against authority, and criminal records. It was sadly obvious that his pathetic little brother had no judgement. Hisashi had assumed this silly fling would also be short lived after the punk showed his true colors.
Darling Inko had agreed to look after Izuku while Hisashi went on a road trip with his little brother. But now on the trip where he’d planned to talk some sense into his brother concerning his unsuitable romantic engagements, instead the brother thief was coming along. And they were getting married?!
Yet Hisashi still believed in his good luck. After the unpleasant reveal, he had agreed to go on this hellish road trip for one reason and one reason only: because he’d read online that the Northanger Road Trip had an urban legend about causing couples to break up. The road was notorious for potholes and ill repair, the hotels along the way were vile, the directions confusing, and the views ugly. These trials had broken apart many a strong and loving couple. Hisashi knew sometimes luck needed a helping hand. This trip would be the perfect chance to expose Kudou as an unworthy idiot thug.
Yoichi had claimed the driver’s seat of the van, insisting Hisashi and Kudou sit in the back so they could talk more easily. Kudou took out a book and started aggressively reading it. Hisashi smirked. He had no intention of letting his prey escape so easily. Ever since his precious little brother had been bullied by a spiky-haired boy in elementary school, Hisashi had been firmly convinced that all people with spikes were angry low-lives. Hisashi had worked hard so his little brother could live the good life and have the best of everything. Kaiji Kudou, with his motorcycle and his tattoos and his high school education, was scraping the bottom of the barrel. His job as a repairman wasn’t good enough for a Shigaraki. Since Hisashi had clawed his way up from the bottom, he had no respect for anyone else who couldn’t do the same. Yoichi was so sweet and frail, he would never be able to endure living with someone so crude. On this trip, Hisashi would expose the brother thief’s temper problem.
“I’m bored,” Hisashi said. “How about a car game?”
Kudou sighed and opened his mouth.
Brightly, Yoichi said, “That sounds like great fun! Let’s play the alphabet game.”
“I’ve never heard of it,” Kudou admitted, swallowing down any objections.
Yoichi said, “We try to find words in alphabetical order. We’ll look for English words to make it a bit harder. There’s plenty of English (and Engrish) on the local signs. You can use billboards, business, and road signs—oh but no license plates! Those aren’t real words and that makes it too easy. The first one to get to the end of the alphabet wins. I’ll start. Abracadabra!”
“Good one,” Hisashi said as they passed a billboard for a magic show with the word Abracadabra.
Kudou’s eyes narrowed, and the two exchanged glares, making one thing clear: they both intended to win.
An hour later, the competition was neck-in-neck and Hisashi called, “Xylophone.” The last billboard had been dark, so he didn’t think anyone would notice he’d been lying about the word.
Kudou howled. “Cheater! That’s the fifth word you’ve called that we didn’t actually pass.”
“You’re completely wrong,” Hisashi said. He considered this technically true because he’d cheated on six words.
“Xylophone isn’t even a damn word.”
“It’s a musical instrument. Only an imbecile wouldn’t know that. Tsk, this is what comes from a lack of college education.”
Yoichi interrupted their argument. “Big brother, I didn’t see xylophone either. We’re not counting that one.”
“Would I cheat?” Hisashi asked in a wounded voice.
“Yes,” Yoichi and Kudou said at the same time.
Hisashi sighed, betrayed by his own twin.
“Xerox,” Kudou said smugly, pointing at the logo of a passing truck.
To add insult to injury, Yoichi praised the brother thief for the good find, and Hisashi was unable to find another X word before Kudou won the game.
Hisashi switched to a new tactic: annoying snacks. He’d brought along hard candy, and he crunched each one. He made sure to lean close to Kudou as he ate with his mouth hanging open.
Kudou’s eyes narrowed. In a swift move, he’d swiped Hisashi’s bag of hard candies and popped one into his mouth. “Mmm, these are good.”
“Thief!” Hisashi cried.
Yoichi sighed. “Big brother, you should share. Kudou, give back the bag.”
Kudou smirked at Hisashi. “But you’re just so easy to rob. I can’t resist.” His gaze went to Yoichi, leaving little doubt what he meant.
Hisashi’s vision went red. “You want to die?”
“As if a shitty mangaka can beat me,” Kudou growled.
Yoichi pulled over on the shoulder of the road. Turning around, he demanded, “Were you two about to start a fight?”
“No,” Hisashi and Kudou muttered together, hanging their heads.
“Good.” Yoichi’s sweet tone veiled poison. “Because I will be very, very disappointed in whoever starts a fight first. You’ll make me sad. Do you want to make me sad?”
“No,” they muttered.
“Promise me that you won’t pick fights, both of you.”
“I promise,” Hisashi said, so he could beat the brother thief.
“I promise,” Kudou said a second later.
But Hisashi had his fingers crossed behind his back, and he saw the brother thief did too. They’d both taken away the same lesson: they had to provoke the other person to start a fight. The war would continue.
At the hotel, Kudou pleaded a headache to get out of dinner. Hisashi felt pretty sure his obnoxious chewing had scared the brother thief off. Thus he could enjoy a nice dinner with his twin. In addition, Hisashi secretly bribed the employee at the desk to pretend one of their room bookings had been lost. He refused to let his brother and the thief sleep in the same room alone. They might get up to all sorts of…shenanigans.
When dinner finished, Hisashi headed upstairs and knocked on the door. Yoichi had gone to fetch the jacket he’d left in the car. Hisashi had timed his attack to catch the thief alone and enjoy his reaction.
Kudou opened the door. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Hisashi purred, “My room was canceled accidentally. Too bad, you’ll be sleeping on the pullout couch.”
Kudou glared in a way that left no doubt he’d seen through the excuse. “You can sleep on the couch. I’m sleeping in the double bed with my fiancé.”
Hisashi gritted his teeth at that evil word. He never thought he’d see the day when the likes of Chikara looked better in comparison, but at least that ass had been too obsessed with biological offspring to marry Yoichi. “No. I can’t trust you not to try anything perverted.”
“Having you in the room will cool my ardor.” Kudou snorted. “Do you seriously think your little brother is a virgin? He’s a grown man, and a very good-looking one. I can assure you, that was too late before I even met him—”
Hisashi saw red. He shoved Kudou onto the bed, raised his fist to punch, and too late remembered his promise. No, Hisashi couldn’t be the one to throw the first punch, or Yoichi would rush to the thief’s defense.
“Watch it,” Kudou cried, twisting his body so it didn’t hit the hairdryer on the bed. He picked up the hairdryer and dusted it off. “You almost ruined my hard work. The hairdryer in this room was broken. I knew Yoichi would be upset, so I fixed it.”
Hisashi gaped. That was so…oddly considerate. It was true that Yoichi had meltdowns over his hair. To further increase the confusion, it looked like Kudou had cleaned the dirty room with wet paper towels overflowing from the trash can. Hisashi reminded himself that the thief couldn’t possibly do anything kind, so he’d probably just wanted Yoichi’s hair to be in perfect condition for his own viewing pleasure. “I can’t believe you have useful skills.”
Kudou rolled his eyes. “I own a shop for repairing electronics. Yoichi told you before, were you not listening?”
Oh, right. Hisashi recovered his wits. “That sounds like a pathetic job for an idiot who doesn’t have a college degree—”
“I don’t need a degree.” Kudou named the annual revenue of his shop, and Hisashi gaped and wondered if the thief was lying.
Before they could talk further, Yoichi entered the room. “Found my jacket! I’m glad I just left it in the car. Oh, nice, at least this dump has a hairdryer.”
Kudou knew full well that Hisashi had canceled his hotel room out of some creepy need to act like a chaperone. It was disgusting, how Hisashi infantilized Yoichi and treated him like a child. Every time Hisashi used a baby voice around Yoichi, it set Kudou’s teeth on edge. They were twins the same age, yet Hisashi acted like he was the father (or boss.) If Hisashi was going to play dirty, then Kudou could too. He’d faked a headache to have time to slip over to the store. That night, he doused Hisashi’s shirts in itching powder.
It was an absolute pleasure to watch Hisashi itch and squirm in the car the next day. Although Hisashi cast suspicious looks at Kudou, the hotel had been so filthy, fleas couldn’t be ruled out. Kudou did notice Hisashi leaning closer, clearly trying to get his enemy infected with fleas too.
Hisashi poked Kudou. “Stop it,” Kudou growled.
“I’m not doing anything.” Hisashi poked Kudou again.
Kudou shouted, “Yoichi, your brother is poking me.”
When Yoichi looked in the rearview mirror, Hisashi stopped. “He’s falsely accusing me.”
Yoichi snapped, “I don’t care who started it, both of you stop.”
As soon as Yoichi looked away, Hisashi poked Kudou again. Kudou yelped.
Yoichi growled, “Big brother, stop.”
“But you weren’t even looking,” Hisashi protested. “What makes you so sure I did it?”
Wearily, Yoichi said, “I know you, big brother.”
Kudou smirked, victorious. Hisashi glared and itched.
Yoichi made them both play Mad Libs in a futile attempt to distract them from tormenting each other. Hisashi was too itchy to pay attention, and Kudou didn’t like word games, so he just doodled guns.
In Yoichi’s optimistic eyes, this road trip was going great already. As proof, his brother and his boyfriend had yet to murder each other.
Tourist stops were a critical part of any road trip. Yoichi eagerly pulled over at the World’s Largest Ball of Yarn.
“Yarn, little brother?” Hisashi grumbled as he got out of the van. “I could buy you yarn and we could have stayed home.”
Yoichi insisted, “This will be fun. Don’t you at least want a chance to stretch your legs?” He frowned when he saw a closed sign, then a fist-sized ball of yarn in the window. “That can’t be correct. Are we in the wrong place?”
Kudou read the sign. “It says the Nakanishi gang stole most of the yarn yesterday.”
Yoichi glared at the door. “I came here for a picture, and I’m getting one anyway. You two, stand in front of the world’s smallest world’s largest ball of yarn, and smile. Put your arms around each other.”
Yoichi quickly came to regret his request, as his picture showed Hisashi and Kudou grimacing in pain as they both pinched each other.
Next, Yoichi took them to the legendary Northanger Abbey Lookout point. Unfortunately, the supposedly beautiful lake below had been bulldozed into a parking lot. The abbey had also been replaced by a McDonald’s. Yoichi was staring to realize why all the online websites said the Northanger Road Trip sucked.
Leaning over the railing to gaze at the parking lot below, Kudou said, “There’s trash everywhere here. I’m going to pick it up. I can’t stand litter.”
Hisashi crept up behind, his hand outstretched.
Yoichi barked, “Big brother, if you try to shove my boyfriend off a cliff, then I will never speak to you again.”
The threat was delivered in a flat voice to make sure his brother knew he meant it. Hisashi slunk off, muttering, “Such a short fall wouldn’t have even hurt someone with a thick skull. Not that I can confirm or deny I tried anything.” He itched under his arms.
That evening, Hisashi carefully checked all of his clothing before washing them in the laundry room. He did not find fleas, but he did find traces of powder. This meant war. Actually, they’d already been at war. This meant revenge.
Since this was the first time he’d had a room to himself, Hisashi video-called his wife and child.
Izuku sat on Inko’s lap. They both waved at the camera. Inko asked, “How has the road trip been?”
Hisashi hesitated. He wasn’t sure how to express his feelings without using language unfit for Izuku. The look on his face said it all.
Inko said, “I’m sorry you’re not having a better time, dear.”
For his son’s benefit, Hisashi offered a fake explanation. “We weren’t able to see some of the sights we planned, but it’s fine. I enjoy spending time with my little brother.” But not a certain someone else who was the real reason this trip had turned into an unrelenting slog of misery. “I miss you two.” That much was true. Hisashi blew kisses at the screen.
Izuku giggled and bounced excitedly. “Uncle Yoichi asked me to be ringbearer at his wedding. Isn’t that cool? I can’t wait for Uncle Kaiji to become part of the family.”
For some inexplicable reason, Izuku actually liked the brother thief. This prevented Hisashi from saying everything he’d like to say about the abomination of a wedding. Hisashi’s lower lip curled back. His expression must have been too obvious, because his wife gave him a warning look. Hisashi schooled his face into the fake smile he used when his editor bugged him about deadlines. “You’d be wonderful at the job.” It was a shame Izuku would be disappointed, but for the sake of his brother’s future, Hisashi needed to stop this farce of a wedding. He would take Izuku to Tokyo Disneyland to make up for it.
Izuku continued, “I was afraid Kacchan would be jealous. He likes his uncle more than he’ll admit. Fortunately Kacchan wants to be flower boy because he heard he’d be allowed to throw flower petals at people.”
Inko chuckled. “Mitsuki caught her son mixing in dead insects with his basket of flower petals. Apparently the stinkbugs were smelling up the house.”
Hisashi recoiled. “Surely it’s too early to be actually making wedding preparations. This feels very premature.”
“We can talk about it later,” Inko said warningly, gesturing at their son. “But Hisashi? Yoichi has always welcomed me into your family with all his heart. You should do the same in return for him.”
Cooly, Hisashi said, “I would be happy to welcome any worthy partner for my brother.” But not Kaiji Kudou his tone implied.
“I hope you’ll remember that promise,” Inko said with a mysterious smile.
Hisashi said his goodbyes, because he still needed to arrange his revenge.
The next morning, Kudou frowned at his phone. “What the hell? I’ve tried to unlock it three times, but my passcode isn’t working.”
“I thought you were good at getting into locked places,” Hisashi said smugly, sipping his coffee. Spying on the thief to find out his passcode then changing it had been worth it.
Kudou looked up with a glare. “Do you keep implying that I’m a thief because of my lack of education or because I’m dating your brother? I’m just trying to figure out which reason I should be offended.”
“You’ve got a criminal record,” Hisashi snarled.
“I was arrested at a peaceful protest!” Kudou cried.
Yoichi loomed behind them with his breakfast tray. “Are you two fighting again?”
“He started it,” they both said, pointing at each other.
Yoichi pinched his forehead. “I’m disappointed.”
Kudou wilted visibly. Hisashi saw the chance to press his advantage. “Your boyfriend does seem dreadfully immature. Marriage is so permanent, and you’re so young. Maybe you should wait.”
Kudou threw up his hands. “Oh my god, you’re twins—you’re the same age. I’ve had it up to here with your patronizing bullshit. You’re the immature one, changing the passcode on my phone.”
Hisashi snarled, “You don’t understand anything!” This spiky-haired moron had no idea what it had been like to stay up late at night caring for Yoichi when he’d been sick. The twins had only ever had each other at the orphanage. Hisashi had also been the one to stay over at Yoichi’s house and protect him after Chikara had broken in twice. Of course Hisashi would be wary of the newest punk his baby brother brought home.
Yoichi’s voice cut the air like a knife. “I’m disappointed in you, big brother. You shouldn’t have messed with Kudou’s phone.”
“But he started it with my shirts—”
“Please, can’t you just give him a chance?” Now Yoichi sounded weary rather than angry. “I know I made a mistake with my ex. But Kudou doesn’t deserve to be punished for that. And I don’t deserve to be punished forever, either.”
The sadness in Yoichi’s tone made Hisashi feel far more guilty than anger ever would have. He gave in and unlocked the brother thief’s phone.
Kudou was in a good mood because Yoichi had sided with him and restored his phone. At least Yoichi was wise to his brother’s nonsense. Listening to Yoichi lecture Hisashi afterward had been a joy.
The good mood faded away when Hisashi started crunching potato chips in the van. “Hey!” Kudou cried. “Those are my snacks!”
“We’re sharing, remember?” Hisashi said smugly. Then he dusted his crumbs at Kudou.
“You asshole!” Consumed by rage, Kudou spilled his soda on Hisashi’s nice suit. Hisashi dodged, and the soda went onto the van seat.
In a deadly voice, Yoichi demanded, “Did you just stain my car seat?”
This time, Kudou got lectured while Hisashi laughed and took a picture.
After his latest failure and success, Hisashi realized he needed to be more subtle. Normally he was good at that, but in his anger, he’d forgotten his skills.
In a silky-sweet voice, Hisashi said, “Kudou, I heard that you’ve become a Captain Hero fan.”
“I came around to liking the show,” Kudou said, a soft smile on his face. “I can’t not like something that brings my darling so much joy.” There almost seemed to be love in his eyes as he glanced at Yoichi. Hisashi felt unnerved to see the thief was such a good actor.
“Tell me what you like about Captain Hero as a character,” Hisashi said, knowing full well that no one besides Yoichi actually liked the stupidly one-dimensional hero who always lost to the demon king in the popularity polls.
Sure enough, Kudou hesitated. “Um, I’m impressed with his willingness to admit he’s wrong and come up with creative solutions. Like that time he figured out how to bypass the Dark Wall without a fight—”
Hisashi interrupted, “That happened in one of Yoichi’s fanfics.”
Yoichi said, “I’m happy you liked my fanfics enough to confuse them with canon, my hero.”
Hisashi shuddered to learn they had pet names. He persisted: “Name one clever plan Captain Hero had in canon.”
Kudou’s eye twitched. “Uh…he’s more the type of hero with a lot of heart.”
Like a shark scenting blood, Hisashi felt the kill approaching. “Explain to me why Captain Hero deserved to beat the Demon King in at least five sentences.”
“Because he’s the hero,” Kudou said miserably.
“That’s only one sentence.”
“Fine, Captain Hero didn’t deserve to win!” Kudou exploded. “I’m sorry, Yoichi, but Captain Hero’s sword developing an eleventh form in the final battle was a total deus ex machina. It was repeatedly established the sword only had ten forms. I’m pretty sure the author pulled that out of his ass because the series got canceled. Captain Hero shouldn’t have won that fight, even his friends told him that he wasn’t ready. And while I’m probably about to get sent to the couch for eternity anyway, I’ll go ahead and admit it—the Demon King is a more entertaining character to watch! Yeah, he’s evil, but his dialogue is actually funny and the author did a genuinely creative job showing the boredom of an ancient immortal. Captain Hero is just the most fucking generic good guy ever. I swear Captain Hero wouldn’t even have an opinion about if he preferred chocolate or vanilla ice cream for fear he might offend someone.”
When finished, Kudou panted, wild-eyed. Hisashi had the strangest desire to applaud. That was exactly what he thought about the Demon King and Captain Hero! This felt so surreal, he pinched his arm to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
Yoichi said, “I’m proud of you, sweetheart. You finally gave your real opinion on Captain Hero instead of just copying mine! I actually agree with you that the final battle was terrible. It wasn’t the author’s fault, he did the best he could when he only had one volume left after getting axed. I think Captain Hero is the better character, but we can agree to disagree about that. It will make our discussions more fun.”
In a slightly dazed voice, Kudou said, “I’m sorry, I insulted your favorite character.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’ll come up with a rebuttal later.” Yoichi smiled. “For now I’m just happy that you like Captain Hero enough to come up with your own opinions. You’re allowed to disagree with me. I argue with my brother over manga all the time, that’s part of the fun.”
Hisashi knew he ought to break up this touching moment, but he was still too much in shock. Who could have ever imagined the brother thief of all people had such sensible opinions on very important topics?
Hisashi slept uneasy that night, still weirded out that he’d agreed with the brother thief on anything at all. He even forgot to arrange for his room to get canceled. So he had to spend the night with his bed shoved up against the neighboring one, listening for any funny business. He’d come prepared with a fog horn but the thief wisely did not make him use it.
On the fourth and last day of the road trip, they hit one of the legendary Northanger Road pot holes. Yoichi cursed in English as he realized he had a flat tire. It was raining. As he got out, he asked, “Do you think we can change it ourselves?” His face fell upon realizing he had two flat tires, and only one spare. “Ugh. I’ll call a tow truck.” He pushed wet hair off his forehead, tried to wring it dry, then gave up as his head just kept getting more wet. He looked like a drowned rat. With an annoyed grunt, he got back in the car.
Hisashi, leaning over the back seat, rooted around the trunk. He was certain he’d packed an umbrella but he couldn’t find it. “Why didn’t you pack an umbrella?” he snarked at Kudou.
Scowling, Kudou said, “The weather forecast was sunny all week.”
“Ugh, imagine trusting weather forecasts.” Hisashi rolled his eyes. “You should do a better job looking after Yoichi…ugh, I guess someone like you couldn’t be expected to.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Kudou snapped.
From the front, Yoichi cried, “I’m on the phone with the tow truck company, keep it quiet.”
Kudou lowered his voice. “I don’t know where you got your snobbery from given your mother was a prostitute who left you at the hospital because she didn’t have the money to raise you.”
“How did you know that?” Hisashi felt a cold rage at his secret exposed. He only knew because he’d hired a private detective to investigate his past as an adult. He’d found his mother already dead. He’d lost interest in his father after realizing what kind of man took advantage of a teenager living on the streets.
“Yoichi told me, of course.”
“He had no right to expose my past.”
“He told me about his own past.” Kudou sighed. “It’s not something you’d need to be ashamed of, if you stopped being a son of a bitch—”
“You leave my mother out of this!” Hisashi leapt on Kudou and strangled him.
Whirling around, Yoichi barked, “STOP!”
The two leapt apart. Hisashi snarled, “He insulted our mother.”
“It was a poorly chosen expression, I insulted you,” Kudou insisted.
“I don’t care who started it,” Yoichi growled. “I just need you two to stop!” He broke down in tears. Between sobs, he said, “I get it, this whole road trip was a dreadful mistake. All the sights and hotels have been awful, and I deluded myself to think you two could ever get along. Yes, I’m an idiot and I admit it. Could you please just knock off the fighting long enough for me to call a tow truck? Please? Because I can’t take this right now!”
“I’m sorry, Yoichi,” Kudou said in a subsided voice. He reached out a hand, but Yoichi pulled away. Hisashi reached out too, trying to comfort his twin, but Yoichi rejected his touch as well. Hisashi and Kudou remained perfectly silent until the tow truck came, knowing Yoichi was at the end of his rope.
At the hotel, Yoichi claimed a room to himself and locked the door. This left Hisashi and Kudou awkwardly stuck in a room with one bed, staring at each other.
Kudou quickly said, “I’ll check up on the van,” and stood up.
Hisashi sneered. “As if I could trust you to pay for the car repairs, you’ll probably get cheated.”
Face red, Kudou took a deep breath. In a visibly controlled tone, he said, “I’m coming up with an excuse to separate us.”
“Then I’m definitely coming along,” Hisashi said out of pure contrariness.
When they arrived at the auto repair shop, it was closed for the day. They nearly turned away before they spotted a shattered window. Hisashi frowned. “What if someone is trying to steal our van?”
“I’ll call the police,” Kudou said.
Hisashi had been about to do that, so contrariness made him say, “I’ll investigate.”
“Leave it to the police! Get back here!” Kudou hissed. Ignoring him, Hisashi hopped over the broken glass.
A man and a woman wearing ski masks posed next to their van, snapping selfies. The man said, “The trunk perfectly fits our stolen yarn ball. We should graffiti Yoshimune and Eitoku Nakanishi on the wall so the police know which dastardly criminals stole this van.”
“Idiot, why do you think we’re wearing ski masks? To hide our identities!” The woman, presumably Eitoku Nakanishi, rolled her eyes. “Hey, this van has two flat tires.”
It was all so stupid, Hisashi couldn’t help snickering.
At the sound, Yoshimune whirled around and fired his gun randomly.
“Look out!” Kudou dragged Hisashi out of the way, ducking behind a pillar.
The sound of a click came, then Yoshimune said, “Huh, I’m out of bullets.”
For once on the exact same wavelength, Kudou and Hisashi jumped the car thieves. They were laughably weak. It only took one punch to knock them out, then they tied them up with the yarn in the trunk and called the police. Hisashi felt a little surprised at Kudou’s competence, then he remembered anyone who liked the Demon King couldn’t be a totally irredeemable moron.
As the adrenaline wore off, Hisashi remembered how close he’d come to dying—and who had yanked him out of the path of the bullet. Narrowing his eyes, he said, “You saved my life. Why would you do that? If I died, I’d cease to be an obstacle between you and Yoichi.”
Kudou rolled his eyes. “What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I saved you, I’m not a horrible asshole. Besides, Yoichi would cry his eyes out if you died.”
Uncomfortably, Hisashi realized that Yoichi would also cry if his stupid spiky-haired menace vanished from his life, but Hisashi had never taken that into account during his plans. Did that mean Hisashi loved Yoichi less? No, that would be completely unacceptable. “Humph. Then next time you’re in danger, I’ll have to save you so Yoichi doesn’t cry. I’m sure it will come up again since you live a degenerate lifestyle.”
Kudou arched an eyebrow. “Weird way of saying thank you, but I’ll take it.”
“What if we don’t tell Yoichi about this?” Hisashi suggested. It would be too hideously embarrassing to admit the brother thief had saved his life. He tried to think up a good excuse.
Kudou nodded. “I agree. Yoichi is stressed out already. He blames himself for this road trip not going well. I can’t burden him with one more thing going wrong.”
Even now, Kudou was thinking of Yoichi’s best interests, not his own. In spite of himself, Hisashi’s heart melted. He could no longer deny it: his brother had found a good man. Raising his nose in the air, Hisashi said, “No one could ever be worthy of marrying my brother, but it’s possible that you’re not a total disaster criminal who will beat him up.”
Kudou snorted. “Thanks, you’re no longer the most annoying person alive after I met these two car-stealing siblings.”
The two of them were laughing when the police arrived.
After a nap, Yoichi felt better. He’d even gotten embarrassed about his earlier meltdown. He fixed his hair in the bathroom, then went to make sure his brother and his fiancé weren’t murdering each other.
Yoichi heard conversation coming from the hotel room, not screaming. That was a good sign. He paused in the hallway, listening.
Hisashi said, “I’m not wearing a tie even if it has the demon king on it.”
Kudou said, “I’m sure Yoichi would compromise. What about a bowtie?”
Yoichi screamed, “Big brother, you agreed to be best man?”
Hisashi opened the door. “There you are. Yes, I’ve decided that your boyfriend isn’t the worst person in the universe.”
Squealing, Yoichi punched his fist in the air. “My plan worked! You two became friends! The Northanger Road Trip curse works in reverse too! I’m not an idiot failure after all!”
Kudou went over and hugged his fiancé. “Friends would be an exaggeration, but we’ve come to terms with each other. Of course you’re not a failure. It was very lovely of you to plan this road trip for us.”
Although Yoichi watched carefully, his brother didn’t even flinch at seeing the two of them hug. That, more than anything, was proof Hisashi had changed his mind. In a good mood, Yoichi admitted, “Eh, the road trip was awful. Let’s all just go home and start the wedding planning while we still have time off work.” He couldn’t keep the biggest grin off his face. “I love you both so much.”
Yoichi’s incurable optimism had once again paid off. Good did triumph over evil, and sometimes the hero and the demon king became friends, just like in his fix-it fanfictions.
OMAKE TIME!
Hisashi: Did Yoichi ever make you go out in public with him while he’s wearing his Captain Hero cosplay?
Kudou: Yep. After the last con, he said he put too much effort into his costume to wear it for only three days. We went out to dinner together and everyone stared. The really awkward part was when he started lecturing a rude diner using Captain Hero quotes.
Hisashi: Oh, man, better you than me.
Yoichi: At least they’re getting along! Even if it’s about being embarrassed by me, I’ll take it.
#
Kudou: I’d kill for Yoichi without hesitation.
Hisashi: I already have. Don’t ask me what happened to Chikara.
Kudou: It’s starting to get a little weird how much we have in common.
Hisashi: I propose a mutual pact to hide the bodies from Yoichi.
#
Hisashi: I hate spiky-haired people ever since a brat bullied my brother in elementary school.
Kudou: I had such a big crush on a sickly white-haired boy in elementary school. He was my first love. But I didn’t know how to express my feelings back then, so I kept teasing him to get his attention.
#
Kudou: No judgement, but I have to ask, why Chikara Yotsubashi?
Yoichi: It was a mistake. When we first met, he was hosting a charity dinner for publicity and pretending to be a good person while the cameras watched. We only dated for a month.
Kudou: I’m surprised you lasted that long.
Yoichi: I only dated him to begin with because my brother hated him at first sight. Every time I planned to dump him, Hisashi would order me to break up. Then I had to make the relationship with for at least another week so my big brother didn’t think he could tell me what to do.
Kudou: Good to know the secret to your heart. Next time we get in a fight, I’ll go annoy your brother so you forgive me.
Yoichi: Aw, how romantic.