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Ace is not suicidal. By no means is he actively looking to kill himself. He promised his little brother to live after all, so how could he die. That being said, should he have been born? It’s something that haunts him, even more so after he learned the names of the women and babies massacred in Baterilla. They died because he lived. Hundreds of people died because Ace survived.
Did his mother regret being pregnant with him when the hunt started? Did his mother love Roger? He wondered that a lot. Was it love that made her go through with giving birth to him or some other obligation? Occasionally, the thought that Rogue genuinely loved Roger crossed his mind. He would quickly crush it down because if they loved each other, it meant Roger wasn’t completely cruel. It meant he was nice enough to have charmed Rouge. Not the barbaric man the people in the bars made him out to be.
As much as Ace hated thinking about it, it made sense. Why else would Rouge give her life to let him live. Rouge created a miracle when she managed to give birth to Ace and threw the Marines off their tracks. You don’t go to such lengths for a child of a man you don’t love.
So, did Rouge and Roger love each other. Would they have gotten married and been a proper family with Ace if Roger was not executed? Would Ace have been able to love Roger? Even the thought left a bad taste in his mouth. Loving Roger? How could he, in this life when it’s his fault all those women and babies died in Baterilla.
“Berri for your thoughts?” Ace looked at Oyaji. The man was sitting in his throne-like chair while Ace was sitting on the arm of the chair. Marco was sitting on the other side. Both of them were looking at Ace.
“It’s nothing, just spaced out.” He smiled, what he hoped was reassuringly.
“You know, I think you're the only person I’ve met who’s upset on New Year's Eve,” Marco said, taking a sip out of the bottle of alcohol in his hand.
“I’m not upset.” It came out more whiny than he wanted. Of course he hated New Year's. It’s the day he was born and the day his mother died.
“You’ve been sulking all week. Usually, you're with those idiots getting up to trouble, yet today I had to drag you up here.” Marco pointed towards the deck where the crew was partying.
Earlier tonight Marco and he had gone back and forth on why he couldn’t come on deck to the party. Eventually, Ace had run out of excuses and had no choice but to come up.
“I’m just a little homesick, it’s not that big of a deal. Quit worrying so much.”
“Somehow, I don't believe that.” Ace didn't either, but Marco left him alone after that so he took it as a win.
Sure, he was a little homesick. He would always miss Luffy, Makino, and even the bandits. That wasn’t why he was sad today, though. His birthday always made him feel sad and guilty after learning his biological father's name. Except, usually Luffy would distract him during the week leading up to it so he would forget until he would receive his gift a few days later. Never on his birthday, Luffy would always say he just forgot, but Ace knew better and was thankful for it. Even if the present was from Luffy, he didn’t think he could accept it on his birthday.
Eventually, Marco left to join the others and it was just Oyaji and Ace.
“Why don’t you go join the others, son?”
“I like it here,” Ace responded. No, he didn’t, he’d rather be sulking in his room wondering if Rouge loved Roger? If he should have been born? And several other questions
He was grateful Oyaji let the topic go, content to watch the others fool off and party. Ace watched Haruta jump onto Thatch’s back, who happily paraded him around. Marco was hovering close to them making sure neither of them got hurt in their drunken state. Tonight, almost everyone was partying, they didn’t have much of a lookout either. After all, who was gonna attack the strongest crew on New Year's Eve.
Everyone was laughing and having fun, it brought a smile to Ace’s face seeing his family so happy. A smile that he quickly wiped off his face. How could he be smiling so freely when his life came at the cost of hundreds of other lives.
When it came at the cost of Rouge’s. Did she regret it? Did she risk everything because she loved Roger?
“Oyaji.”
“What is it?” The man turned to look at Ace and raised an eyebrow.
“Did you by any chance know Rouge.” Gramps hadn’t known the woman, so he had never been able to tell him about her when he asked. Oyaji was also friends with Roger, so maybe he knew about her.
“Not personally, I didn't, but when Roger started talking about her he never shut up. From his stories, it was obvious they were madly in love with each other.”
‘Madly in love with each other.’ Was the answer to his question really that simple? His mom gave birth to him, died giving birth to him because she loved Roger. No, Oyaji said they loved each other. Rouge might have still regretted giving birth to him.
“I don't have to meet her to know she would have been proud to have you as a son.” It was insane how Oyaji always knew what to say.
Ace pulled his hat down to cover the tears gathering in his eyes. That's two of the questions he’d spent hours wondering answered in the span of a minute.
“Would you like to hear how they met? He told that story so many times I think it’s ingrained in my head.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I think I would,” he replied, with a wet laugh.