Work Text:
The candles were casting shadows on the walls of the parlour. Moiraine followed the shapes with her eyes, lost deeply in her thoughts. The papers in front of her were in disarray, each page marked with just one or two lines before being discarded to the side. She sighed and tried again.
“Your Majesty…”
Moiraine dropped the stylus to the ink box and raised from the chair. After several nervous turns around the room, she sat down again and taking a new sheet started writing with speed and determination.
“Lan.
It’s been too much time without seeing you or hearing from you. I know our parting was a difficult one, and I understand that I hurt you deeply by both my actions and my words. My Oath would not prevent me from saying again that they were called on by duty and the Wheel itself, but the deeper truth is that they were caused by fear. I wasn’t afraid of pain or my own death for the mission we had, but I never could overcome the fear of loosing you. The fear of you trying to protect me from inevitable, and sacrificing the only thing I valued - your very life. My attachment to you, my…” - she hesitated for a second, but continued to write - “…my love for you, urged me to do what was done. You can’t say I was wrong! I did follow your life from afar. I know you claimed what always was yours by birth and I know that she is by your side. I’m happy for you, old friend. And I miss you every second of my being. I can’t help, but…”
Moiraine slowly lowered the hand and pushed the stylus away thinking about what she was about to write. Her eyes caught her previous attempt.
“Your Majesty…” And the memories flooded her mind.
*****
The night was quite warm for the time of the year and the altitude they were at. Last two days their travels were surprisingly uneventful.
“Even pleasant”, Moiraine thought to herself. It’s been late spring and a little over a year since she bonded Lan, and first awkwardness was gone, giving way to something close to a friendship. He was smart, reliable and funny. He didn’t talk much of his family but she figured that he was raised in the noble spirit, even in romanticized one, based on some of his reactions and ideas. Moraine herself was not a stranger to the world of aristocracy, but from early years had no misconceptions about that way of life and people relationships and interests in it. She did wonder though what was the fairy tale version of Lan’s upbringing, that he retained that idealistic views on duty, honor and dignity.
The night grew late. They finished their simple supper, and were lying on the bedroll side by side, watching the night sky. It was partially obstructed by the tree crowns, which teased the imagination with changing shapes and forms.
Lan was relaxed. The Bond emanated feeling of content and tranquility, which was pretty rare occurrence. He did the night time scouting, last couple days nothing suggested any type of danger to his Aes Sedai, and Moiraine set the wards around, so they will be alert if anything bigger than a hare will approach their camping grounds.
They laid in silence for a while. Lan appeared to doze off but Moiraine’s thoughts were racing from one subject to another. After some time she got bored of the conversation with herself, so she shifted in a more comfortable position and quietly asked:
- What were the springs like in the Borderlands when you were a kid? - Lan opened his eyes and sent her a side look.
- Why do you think I spent my springs in the Borderlands?
Moiraine smiled with a bit of annoyance.
- I mean it’s a no secret that you are a Malkiery, - she gently touched his hadori band. - Based on your age you were born around the time Malkier was betrayed and Blight overtook it. - She felt his bliss wavering and bit her lip in regret. - So I assumed you were of Malkier nobility and raised in one of the Borderlands countries as one. Your… - she struggled for a second - …relations in Kandor confirm it.
- The springs were cold. - Moiraine waited a minute for continuation but nothing followed.
- Just cold? Did you spend your whole childhood in Kandor? When did you start going into the Blight? - Moiraine felt his uneasiness through the bond, but continued her questioning, - …and wasn’t there anyone who would warm up those cold springs for you?…
Lan turned to look at her in mild disbelief that she brought up this topic after all that came to be in Chachin just after their meeting. Moiraine could be merciless in times.
- You know about my carneira, - he said dryly. - You’ve met her. She made sure I’m always warmed up.
Moiraine felt more than slightly embarrassed by the topic, but made an effort not to show it to Lan, aiming to look like it was a natural discussion.
- I find it hard to believe that such a handsome young man had only one interest in heart. Surely it was more than one interested in you.
- Moiraine Sedai, is this jealousy in your voice? - he teased her.
Moiraine shrugged and with effort kept her expression unchanged.
- It’s not jealousy. It’s a desire to know what to expect being bonded to someone of your stature. You don’t talk about your family or your connections, but apparently your past has big implications on your present. So tell me, is it anyone waiting for you? Or maybe there are couple kids running around with your handsome eyes?
Moiraine was mad at herself internally. She usually had good control, but in times she would go into the stubborn spell such as now and wasn’t be able to stop. She knew she was making fool of herself but just kept going by whatever reason.
She was curious about Lan’s past. He almost never spoke of it, and she was mad that instead of finding elegant way to indulge her curiosity, she would lead a conversation in such a form that even she would be annoyed by herself. It’s like next to him all her Daes Dae’mar training was in vain. She felt Lan’s tension through the bond.
- Lan Gaidin… - she started, trying to fix her own doings.
- No, Moiraine Sedai, - he quickly interrupted her, - there are no kids, no engagements and no obligations with exception of honor and duty to the Malkier traditions. I’m ready to keep the Oath I gave you, my Aes Sedai, till the death do us part. There is no one else, Moiraine, rest assured. There is no one left.
Bitterness in his voice made Moiraine silent.
- I will go check the perimeter, - he added shifting to sit up, but Moiraine clutched to his shirt not letting him move away.
- Surely you should have someone… family, friends… someone who waits for you to come home one winter night, - she murmured.
At that point she already hated herself for continuing the conversation, but Moiraine couldn’t explain the selfish desire to know that he is all hers, as she is all his. She decided that it was definitely the side doing of the bond.
She felt that he was hurting, was angry and agitated, but she hold him tight fearing to end the conversation like that.
- What are all those questions, Moiraine? I am not asking you how close you are to King Laman? Or why you’re avoiding mentioning of Cairhien as much as possible?
Moiraine sat up instantly looking at him from above. She felt rage and panic raising in her and swallowed them down before answering.
- What makes you think I was close to the Cairhien royalty? Yes, I was raised in Cairhien, my way of speaking definitely…
- Oh cut it off, Moiraine. - Lan sat up as well and now was looking directly into her eyes.
- When was the last time you looked in the mirror? You are a Damodred, anyone who met that crazy king will see a family traits. You are not hiding your real name, Lady Moiraine, at least not from me. I am Malkier nobleman and my education included history lessons and modern monarchies family trees.
I know exactly who you are, niece to the king, rightful heir to the vacant throne, full sister Lady Moiraine Damodred, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah. The only things I don’t know is what was your relationship with your family, and how come you’re running away from the White Tower instead of becoming the Aes Sedai Queen, as anyone in their right mind would assume the Tower would want. I’m not asking those questions, Moiraine, because I respect your right to open up in your own time and on your own terms.
Moiraine failed to keep his stare and the wave of annoyance about her failure overcame her. She sent the spark into the dying fire and it suddenly turned into a blaze for a short moment before it couldn’t be sustained by the leftover wood.
Lan flinched but said nothing, and calmly added several branches to the glowing coals to maintain the heat and gathered ambers to make sure Moiraine’s irritation will not turn into the forest fire. Moiraine seemed to calm down and was staring into the flame with reflections dancing in her eyes.
- I grew up in Fal Moran in Shienar, - finally said Lan. - I was there from almost my birth up to the time I was judged ready to join the battle. I was on the road or a battlefield since than. I didn’t look too much in the future, but if I knew that future has you, I would dream of it every night.
Moiraine’s gaze softened and she put her head on Lan’s shoulder. Her anxiety burnt down and she felt exhausted and guilty for ruining such a blissful evening. Crackling of the fire and the natural sounds of night forest were lulling her to sleep. Her eyelids felt heavy, and Lans arm that he put around her, provided sensation of security and comfort.
- Dai Shan is my other name, - she heard through her sleepiness and unintentionally translated it in her mind. “Battle Lord”. In that borderline state between sleep and awake she saw battle banners arise with a glittery golden bird that spread the wings, she heard the cry “Dai Shan!”, “Dai Shan”!…
“To avenge what cannot be defended…”
The phrase arise in her mind from subconsciousness and she was caught in it like there is something she should remember. She heard it over and over again, until she was jolted awake with sudden realization. She straightened up abruptly and looked at him in silent wonder. Now it was Lan’s turn to lower his eyes unable to keep up with her gaze.
- Lan Mandragoran… I should say Al-Lan Mandragoran, - whispered Moiraine, - crowned by the battle, Lord of the Seven Towers… The King to Malkier who did survive after all… Even the Tower is divided on the opinion if Malkier blood line had survived!
Moiraine’s cheeks blushed with excitement. After knowing her for these months, Lan was sure the excitement was not due to his royal ancestry but because she found an answer to a question, missing piece of the puzzle.
Moiraine stayed quiet for several minutes, gently moving burning branches, sending sparks up in the air. Lan stayed quiet as well.
Her giggles started suddenly and turned into a sincere laughter when she saw Lan’s surprised expression.
- What a fine pair we make, Your Majesty - said Moiraine through laughter. Lan couldn’t help but smile at her.
- I hope the dinner and accommodations are up to your standards, Your Ladyship, - said he with a teasing bow.
She was laughing still when they laid back and cuddled preparing to sleep, and it was that laughter that broke one more wall between them that night.
*****
Moiraine kept her eyes at the papers burning in the fireplace. Sparks from the paper were flying up and disappearing, taking her mind back to the spring night by the forest fire . Not moving her gaze from its dance, Moiraine ringed for the maid and when she entered the room, nodded towards the sealed envelope on the writing table.
- Make sure it goes out first thing tomorrow morning, - she said. - Keep it with you till then.
With that she left the room to avoid temptation to throw that last letter in the fire as well.