Work Text:
“Your Majesty…”
Lan read the words for the fourth time and for the fourth time he had to close his eyes for a second as the lines started to jump and blur.
He recognized the hand immediately when the letter presented itself, right around the breakfast time.
Even his Borderlands and Warder training gave way and he heard the blood rushing in his temples. It took good effort to continue the table conversation with no signs of surprise or better say shock.
Somewhere far away in his mind Lan felt the relief, again, that Nynaeve and he decided to postpone the bonding weave until the day of the wedding.
“It will make the day so much more special.” - said Nynaeve. - “The wedding day and the bonding ceremony will complement each other”. Lan wasn’t quite fond of the idea at first, but set the matter to rest as the ultimate decision that belongs to an Aes Sedai and a woman.
And honestly, as the time went by, he was glad to have the solitude of his mind. He remembered the pain, the utmost emptiness of the snapped Bond. None of Moiraine’s words or doings could’ve prepared him to the anguish he experienced when she stopped being. She masked the Bond multiple times before and then it was that time when she lost the ability to channel, but that felt like hitting the door painted on the wall, again and again until it would open. Or the wall will fall. When Moiraine pushed herself through the angreal, and Lan flaming knew it was not an accident, that door disappeared completely. With all the walls, the house around it and everything else he called his home.
Lan gently followed the ink with his finger as if he can trace the hand that wrote it.
*****
- Do you still think of it as home?
- Don’t you?
- This saddle is home. This cloak. These boots. This brooding man at my side.
Lan smiled back at her. They’ve been on the road for several days heading to the White Tower, traveling as the part of the Aes Sedai convoy bringing Logain to the Amyrlin Seat. And bringing news of Kerene. And Stepin.
Moiraine noticed his failed smile and brought Aldieb closer to squeeze his hand knowingly if just for a second.
Last night when he came back to the tent provided for them by their companions, he found Moiraine staring at her ring like the serpent on her finger can bite and is full of poison. The Bond was full of grief and something else that Lan couldn’t quite name, but it felt almost like being under water, deafening and removed.
He sat next to her. The shadow of her profile looked sharp and defined against the canvas wall. The recent wound wore her down, she looked pale and thin, fragile, but Lan noted that some colors started to return to her face. He made a mental note to keep a closer eye on her eating to make sure she will regain her strength soon.
- I have a weird feeling that I’m being delved, - said Moiraine curving her lips in a sort of a smile. – Can’t say I feel too enthusiastic about it.
- Can’t say I feel too enthusiastic about you getting hurt and barely surviving, – echoed Lan back to her.
- That is a little too dramatic, my friend. It all ended well. You brought me to my sisters in time.
- You were barely breathing, Moiraine. If you were a little less stubborn, you… - Lan’s voice became hoarse suddenly. - You were barely breathing in my arms, Moiraine.
Moiraine looked at him and touched his hand.
- So I chose the right arms then, - she said quietly, - I’m sorry, Lan.
Lan noticed her tiredness, new fine lines across her forehead, shadows under her eyes. In the twilight of the tent she looked almost ethereal.
- You are so beautiful, - he whispered, caressing her cheek in his hand. Before Moiraine found her words to reply, he quietened her by continuing. - I want to paint your portrait. Would you sit for one for me?
Moiraine blinked in surprise at this statement.
- I… I didn’t know you can paint, - she murmured for the lack of a better answer.
Lan widened his eyes in pretended offense
- What about that masterpiece of mine that time we were in Tear?
Moiraine made a sound somewhere between cough and laughter, and her cheeks visibly blushed.
- We made a deal fifteen years ago to never bring it up, - she said with a gentle push on his chest, - I still can’t fathom how did you manage to get all those tattoos on my body in such a short time!
- You needed to blend in to get to that child, and I never could deny you anything, - answered Lan teasing her with his laughing eyes. - They probably spent the next year trying to decrypt the meaning of the drawings we came up with.
- If only you would use the paint that could be washed easily!
- You know we couldn’t risk it, - said Lan with blank expression, but his poise didn’t last long and he wasn’t able to suppress the smile. – Fine, I have to admit my talents lay elsewhere. But there are masters in Tar Valon who can do you justice. Let me commission it. As a gift that I can always keep close.
Sudden change in Moiraine’s mood and behavior didn’t escape him, but he failed to find an immediate explanation to it. She turned her body to face him. It looked like she wanted to say something but hold herself back.
- Very well, - she finally said. - You may do it if you so desire. Though I don’t think you should look into the past when the future will come. But the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.
- Moiraine, no that Aes Sedai verbiage with me please, do me an honour, and try again.
Without reply, Moiraine stood up and walked towards the entrance. She folded it open and looked outside for some time. The draft moved the loose strands of her hair and Lan again admired how beautiful she really was. He came closer and followed her glance. The Warders were still sharing the supper by the fire and Nynaeve was there, at the same spot she was when he walked away. Moiraine kept her eyes on the Wisdom for a while before moving them to Stepin, who also sat close to his brothers, uninterested in anything around. He didn’t speak a single word for the whole time, Lan recalled, didn’t eat or drink, didn’t argue when Maksim and Lan came to get him to the fire, just followed them in complete silence and apathy.
Lan felt how Moiraine placed her cold hand in his, seeking his touch, but removed it almost instantly and stepped back, hiding behind the fabric.
Nynaeve seemed to feel them watching her, because she looked up and when she saw Lan, she smiled sincerely and patted the spot next to her inviting him to join the fire.
- You should go there, - said Moiraine. - I’m going to get ready to sleep. She walked back to the table and flicked her wrist to heat the water for tea. Lan followed her without saying anything and made a point of preparing two cups.
- She is waiting for you, - said Moiraine, calmly pouring the water. - Not very gentlemanly on your part.
- And that should bother me because?..
- We are approaching White Tower and Nynaeve will start her training soon. It will most definitely be years before she will receive a shawl and the… other benefits associated with it.
- And those benefits to be?..
- Stop it please! - This time he did feel the wave of annoyance and that was so adorable that warm feeling towards her spread inside of his chest, but he kept his smile in check sensing Moiraine’s irritation. - The right to bond a Warder, of course, - he barely heard her voice. - And she will be the luckiest woman to have you as one.
Lan felt somewhat hurt by this sudden conclusion but instead of arguing he put the cup down and took both of her hands in his.
- Moiraine, I don’t know where your ideas are coming from, but I do have my Aes Sedai. I don’t want to and I will not have anyone else. I do not understand what you are thinking about but it makes me deeply worried that you can question my loyalty after all this time.
- I never question your loyalty, Lan. It’s not that. I… I just… What happened with Kerene… I grieve for my sister, but I also see Stepin. And I am scared. We live very dangerous life and I’m not invincible, Lan. The time might come when I… will… not be stubborn enough. - Moiraine closed her eyes and put her cheek on their connected hands.
- I will not live without you. - Said Lan as a matter of fact, with no emotions in his voice, just stating the obvious
Moiraine raised her eyes and looked at him with sharp intensity.
- You might need to, Lan Mandragoran. Death is lighter than a feather, but duty is heavier than a mountain. – She quoted. – Promise me Lan, promise me now, that you’ll keep going with our mission when… if… if… I’ll be lost.
- Moiraine! – Moiraine placed her hand on his lips.
- Just think of it, my friend. There is more to this life than me.
- Nothing that I would care about. So if you really mean to protect me, take care to stay out of trouble.
That earned him a smile. They continued sipping their tea in silence for a while never separating their hands.
*****
Lan sighed, counted in his mind and started for the fifth time. Then closed his eyes and embraced ko’di.
“Your Majesty,
It occurred to me that it is truly uncivil to further delay my congratulations on the occasion of Your engagement. Please accept my apology and assurance that such a lengthy delay is caused by mere understanding of the load of Your responsibilities and preciousness of Your time, and not by lack of well wishes to You and the future bride…”
Even through meditative state he could hear the heartbeat in his ears. The emotions were leaking through his concentration and Lan could not single out the most intense one. Pain, joy, agitation, anger at her choice of words, happiness that she, in fact, was alive - all melted to something he couldn’t quite grasp.
“…Grateful for an honour to be Your Majesty’s old companion and well-wisher,
Lady Moiraine Damodred.”
He let go of ko’di and cramped the paper in his hand. Almost four years he heard nothing of her. He didn’t know where she is, what she does and what unreasonable risks she put herself into.
He knew she left with Thom. Lan was hurting, angry and felt something else, more complicated, when he saw Thom helping her to mount the horse. Their last conversation didn’t go as well as Lan would wish for it to and then Moiraine was lost from the map completely.
Lan’s thoughts started to spiral down. He walked to the wardrobe and carried out a small, simply decorated box. The top flew open and there she was in her full attire, with precious sapphire of kesiera perfectly centered, hair brought up and her serpent ring where her hand supported the chin. Lan carefully removed the portrait and with grim hesitation pressed the hidden hinge. The frame opened revealing another picture of Moiraine with her hair simply twisted back on each side, wearing loose blue blouse and the most mesmerizing smile he had ever seen.
“I don’t think you should look into the past when the future will come” - the words ringed in his mind.
- What is the future, Moiraine? - he asked quietly. Portrait in his hand remained silent.