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Ronan Lynch hated hospitals. He hated the bare white walls, the smell of antiseptics, the hollow feeling and chills he always got and most of all, he hated the constant supervision.
He had spent a great deal of his life in hospitals. During his early childhood years he got sick a lot, his immune system was as shitty as the hospital’s cafeteria food. Now as a teenager the cause of his monthly, sometimes even weekly visits were the fights he got in. Too often he ended up with a concussion or needed stitches for a bad cut. If it weren’t for his asshole brother Declan, he wouldn’t bother with getting medical help. But Declan threatened him with cutting him off his money if he didn’t behave, so Ronan didn’t have much of a choice.
He didn’t give a fuck about his trust fund and he wasn’t completely sure Declan could actually cut him off, but if he indeed had the power Ronan would lose his apartment, and that would mean that his roommate Noah would have to find a new place too.
So Ronan endured his brother’s authoritarian rule and demands, for Noah, and because sometimes he just didn’t have the power to argue with him. In the first couple of months he ignored the rules Declan set out for him, which ended in endless fights that eventually drained Ronan. He couldn’t do it anymore, emotionally, so he turned his attitude down to a couple of drunk fights.
A part of him knew that Declan was only doing this because he wanted what was best for Ronan, he just didn’t like the way he was doing it. It always seemed like he was doing Ronan a favour, instead of caring after his little brother.
They never had a close relationship, not even when their parents had still been alive, but since their death it turned from bad to toxic. The only thing keeping them from biting each other’s head off was Matthew. Whenever their fights escalated Ronan would think of him and stop. He didn’t want that kind of life for Matthew, so when he was around Ronan tried to act normal, which for them meant to only insult each other a couple of times in hushed voices.
Matthew. Just thinking about his little brother let all the guilt crash down onto him. Ronan couldn’t wait to see him again, he had to get out of this shit-hole. Too bad his doctor didn’t allow him to get out until next Friday, and Declan already told him that if he tried to sneak out earlier, he wouldn’t see Matthew.
10 fucking days. Ronan was sure he would die of boredom until his release.
However, there were some perks of being hospitalized. One, he didn’t have to bother with showing up at school, and two, his nurse was pretty cute.
Okay, not just cute. He was one of the most beautiful human beings Ronan has ever laid eyes on. Whenever he looked at him with those big, blue eyes and asked him how he was doing with his soft voice, Ronan’s heart skipped a beat. And when he smiled at something his co-worker had said, Ronan was sure he had died and ended up in heaven.
Which was absurd because if there was such a thing as heaven and hell Ronan Lynch would definitely belong into hell.
His name tag said Parrish, and Ronan hoped he would get to know his first name in the next days. He hoped he would get to know more than just his name.
But so far there hasn’t been an opportunity to talk, he only came to him with the doctor to check his vitals and check up on him before his shift ended. So Ronan stalked him instead.
Okay, he didn’t really stalk him, but whenever he caught him in the halls talking to someone, or just scribbling something down in his board, Ronan couldn’t help but study him. An outsider would probably say he was staring at him like a creep, but honestly, he didn’t care. He was the only nice thing about this place.
After the first day he noticed his gentle hands. His skin was rough, but his touch was so soft, he treated Ronan like a fragile thing that could break any minute. It set Ronan off the edge, he couldn’t remember the last time someone touched him like that. For the past few years the only physical contact he got was a fist to the face and some kicks in the gut. On the rare occasions he saw Matthew he would get a hug, but in the last few months Matthew got a bigger fan of fist-bumps.
Checking his vitals Parrish would speak to him in his quiet, soft voice, asking him for his arm or asking how he was feeling. Ronan was in a shitty mood most of the time, but for Parrish he cut his flippant remarks, though he still kept his answers short.
The first time he was alone with Parrish went pretty bad. He came to tell Ronan about the psychiatrist that would see him for the next week, and Ronan flipped. He told him that he didn’t need some snob to psycho-analyze him and tell him shit he already knew. Naturally, it involved a lot of cursing. To his surprise Parrish listened to him calmly, studying him with his beautiful eyes. “We only want to help you, Ronan. Maybe it would help you to open up to someone.”
Ronan was too shocked to say anything back and just sat there in silence as Parrish left, thinking about his words. Help you. Right, as if he hadn’t heard that one before. But coming from that beautiful mouth he couldn’t help but believe him.
Maybe it would help you to open up to someone. Maybe a psychiatrist just wasn’t the right person.
***
The next day Parrish came alone to check his vitals, and Ronan was trying to build up the courage to apologize for his outburst. But he couldn’t find the right words, he wasn’t used to apologizing for his behaviour because usually the person talked back and it escalated into a fight. He didn’t know how to deal with Parrish’s calm nature. When he was done with the routine he just looked at Ronan, and Ronan started fidgeting. Was he waiting for an apology? But when he finally caught Ronan’s gaze he just smiled. Ronan noticed his dimples, and fuck, he was officially done. Dimples.
“The psychiatrist is going to be here in a few minutes. You probably shouldn’t flip out with her around like you did yesterday.”
Ronan was still trying to wrap his head around the thought that his cute nurse had dimples, when he processed what he had just said. He couldn’t get whether he was trying to get Ronan to apologize or he was just merely giving him advice. Either way he didn’t know what to say, so he just stared at his hands until Parrish left.
Ronan Lynch, the great conversationalist.
***
To say that his talk with the shrink went bad would be an understatement. As soon as she walked in Ronan knew they wouldn’t get along. Maybe it was just him hating shrinks in general, maybe it was the glance she and Parrish exchanged outside his door.
She introduced her as Doctor Sargent, though she told him to just call her Blue. He really hoped it was just a nickname because who the fuck would name their child Blue? She started asking questions like How are you feeling today? Do you want to talk about what happened? When did you start feeling that way? and Ronan varied between I’m fine, No, I don’t know and a simple glare. After an hour of achieving nothing, she was getting frustrated and eventually told him they would continue this conversation tomorrow.
When she got out he could hear her and Parrish talking in hushed voices. He would love to hear what they were talking about, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t make out a single word.
Ronan decided to try the pudding he got earlier at the cafeteria, when Parrish came in. Before Ronan could put the first spoon of the strange-looking chocolate stuff into his mouth, Parrish warned him. “The pudding tastes like dirt mixed with expired milk.”
Ronan didn’t have to be told twice, so he threw it away and got back to his bed. He wanted to forget the shrink and his outburst and most of all he wanted to forget the shitty situation he was in. He just wanted to have one normal conversation. He looked at Parrish and asked, “Do you nurses have some secret storage room with all the good food?”
He smiled at that, and fuck, those dimples would be the death of Ronan.
“Yes, it’s called the vending machine.”
It was very hard to focus on his words when he was still smiling, but this time it didn’t take Ronan so long. “Wait, how did I not know that there is a vending machine here?”
His smile turned into a teasing grin, and holy fucking fuck. “Well, if you would ever bother to come out of your room, you would have noticed it. It has all the junk food a hospital should actually not have, if I think about it.”
Ronan couldn’t help it, his face broke into a smile of his own, and it felt so good. Having a normal conversation felt so good. Smiling with this beautiful boy-wonder felt amazing. In that moment, since a very long time, Ronan felt truly happy. It was just a small moment, a short conversation about nothing, but it made Ronan’s heart sing.
While Ronan was staring at Parrish, he came and sat on Ronan’s bed, which did stupid things to his heart. He wanted to reach out and touch his face, feel his mouth, the curve of his smile and softness of his lips.
Holy fuck, this stupid crush was getting out of hand.
Thank god Parrish decided to talk in that moment, because Ronan was about to do something as stupid as actually touching him.
“Why won’t you talk about what happened?”
That broke Ronan out of his haze. Right. After all, he’s still your nurse. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
He was about to say something else when Ronan looked at him. And something in his eyes made him shut up. They just looked at each other in silence. After what felt like a lifetime, Parrish sighed and got up. “At least get out of the room, walk around a bit, maybe go to the garden. We wouldn’t want you to merge with the bed.”
He smiled at Ronan, and with those dimples he could have asked him to cut off his own leg and he would gladly do it.
“Okay.”
***
Ronan did get out of his room. He even walked down the hallway, where he found the infamous vending machine and got as much junk food as he could carry. On his way he noticed that this time he wasn’t stationed on the children’s section, though technically he should have been since he’s only turning 18 in a month. It may have something to do with the last time he was here and how a couple of kids got scared of him. He didn’t even do anything, but he looked like hell with bruises and cuts all over him, which shouldn’t have been that strange in a hospital. Maybe it were his tattoos.
Whatever. He didn’t even care, and he was even grateful for it, in the children’s section they haven’t had such cute nurses.
Speaking of cute nurses, he hasn’t seen Parrish since the morning. Would looking for him be weird? Probably. It’s not like he could just burst into every room to see if he was around.
Is it weird to miss someone you barely know? Probably. But he was the first person in a long time besides Matthew and Noah who had managed to make him smile. He was so easy to be around, even when he made Ronan feel weird things and he couldn’t concentrate on anything but him and his stupid smile and eyes and hands.
His hands. Oh fuck, he had such beautiful hands. Slim, long fingers and rough skin. The shiver that these hands sent through Ronan.
Fucking fuck. They are just hands, Lynch.
But he’d love to hold these elegant hands. To see how they fit with his own, run his finger along his palm. He’d definitely love to do much more with these hands. Before his thoughts took a creepy turn he went back to his room and focused on the food he got.
***
Ronan had always had vivid dreams. He didn’t sleep much, but when he did he had strange dreams. Disturbing dreams. At least, the once he could remember.
He was having one of those dreams, something with a dark forest and dead ravens and beautiful boys, when something, no someone, shook him awake. “Ronan! Ronan, wake up!”
It took him a moment to get accustomed to the light and shake the final piece of the dream. On his left, on his bed, was sitting no one else than his beautiful boy-wonder. He was looking at him with his gorgeous blue eyes, when Ronan realized that it was him who woke him up. “What happened?”
“I was about to leave when I heard you screaming. I guess you had a nightmare?”
God, he could drown in these deep, blue eyes. How could a single person have such beauty? Ronan wanted to trace the sharp lines of his jaw, his cheekbones, his mouth—
“Ronan?”
Snapping out of it, he looked around and saw a guy standing in his doorway. Parrish saw his frown and turned around.
“Joseph, what are you doing out of your room? You should be asleep by now.” He took off to take the guy, to his room, while Ronan shook out the last bit of his confusion.
Nightmare. Screaming. Right. It wasn’t the first time he had been woken up by someone because of the screaming. Noah had to do it quite a lot at their place, he could hear his screams from his own room. Declan once witnessed it, when they celebrated Matthews birthday and Ronan stayed over at their place. He told him to go see someone and get some pills. Ronan told him to fuck off and went to the next bar to get drunk.
Alcohol usually helped, but only if he got really shitfaced. Either have nightmares and terrorize your neighbours with the screams or drink yourself into oblivion and deal with the hangovers.
Parrish got back and sat down on Ronan’s bed. Being so close to him made it hard to concentrate on anything, he had difficulties focusing on his words, so he didn’t look at him and stared at the wall instead.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Ronan never talked about his feelings or personal stuff with anyone. He didn’t get the point. What would it change? But he already established that this boy had a strange effect on him. So he nodded, and said in a quiet voice, “I have night-terrors. Had them since I can remember. Usually I get so drunk that I pass out, but I don’t guess you have some alcohol on you?”
Parrish rolled his eyes at that, and he even managed to look cute doing it, and went out. Ronan had the absurd hope that he would actually get some booze, but when he came back he gave him a bottle of water and some pills. Ronan glared at him, which made Parrish laugh.
“Don’t look at me like that. These are just some sleeping pills, they aren’t even strong ones. They’ll just relax you. Now, if you want to get some sleep, drink them up.”
Ronan didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to stay in the company of this beautiful boy, stare at his beautiful mouth and just talk. He also wanted to make out with him, but he was sure it was more likely for Declan to march into the room naked than Parrish actually agreeing to a hot make out session. What a pity.
With a sigh he took the pills and laid back on his bed. Parrish smiled at him (fucking hell, he would never get over these dimples) and took the water bottle. “Now sleep. Tomorrow is a big day, another session with your lovely psychiatrist which will hopefully go better than the last one.”
Ronan narrowed his eyes. Lovely psychiatrist? “Do you know each other? I mean, other than from work.”
His smile turned into a full on grin, all white, straight, beautiful teeth. Ronan was sure his heart stopped.
“Yeah, we’re old friends. She’s a great person, she helped me through some hard times. You can trust her.”
Trust her. It’s been too long since Ronan has trusted anyone, he definitely wouldn’t start, especially not a shrink. But Parrish was another case. Did Ronan trust him? Maybe, a little bit. It was mostly his stupid crush. Ronan should be careful about it. But it was hard not to trust Parrish. He was so easy to be around with, his whole being was so refreshing.
So maybe Ronan will give her a chance. He won’t spill all his thoughts or something, but he won’t give her such a hard time.
There was one thing that he couldn’t get out of his head since this morning. Now or never. He took a deep breath and asked quietly and quickly, “Is she your girlfriend?”
Parrish smiled, and it took Ronan all his willpower to prevent himself from screaming. Fuck this, fuck this stupid shrink, fuck this stupid crush, fuck this-
“No, she’s not.”
Wait, what?
“We were together when we were 16, but it didn’t last long. We just didn’t match as a couple, but we stayed really close friends. She’s one of my best friends.”
Shit. He still had no idea whether he was single, whether he was even interested in guys. Does this mean he’s straight? Or is he bisexual? Could it be?
Ronan would never just ask him. He couldn’t bring himself to be so straightforward. What if he says no? That he’s not interested in him in that way? He’d die of embarrassment. So he stayed silent, slowly feeling the sleeping pills kicking in.
Something else from what he said stuck in Ronan’s head. She helped me through some hard times. What has been this perfect boy been through? For some reason Ronan needed to know, he wanted to know what shaped him to the person he is today. He was about to ask him when he reconsidered. He wasn’t sure whether he would share this private information. They’ve only known each other for two days. Hell, he didn’t even know his first name.
“Parrish?”
“Hm?”
“What is your first name?”
It was quiet for a few moments, Ronan thought that maybe he left, and he was so tired he couldn’t open his eyes to make sure. When he was about to start dreaming he heard him saying, “Adam. It’s Adam.”
***
When Ronan woke up, he realized two things first. One, he hasn’t slept so well in years, and two, Adam was still in his room.
Adam Parrish.
He looked at his left, and there he was. Asleep in a chair. God, he must be uncomfortable. God, he’s so beautiful.
“Adam.”
It was only a whisper, but it was enough to wake him up. He blinked and looked around as if confused, and focused on Ronan.
He just slept in a chair in a hospital bed, and he still looked like some young, handsome god. Ronan had it so bad.
“I must have fallen asleep while waiting for you to fall asleep. I’m so sorry.” Adam smiled sheepishly at him, stretching his arms and legs. His shirt rid up, exposing a line of pale skin. Ronan had to look away, or he would end up starring at him like some creep.
“Yeah, no problem. The pills… they really helped. So, eh, thanks.” Usually Ronan didn’t thank anyone, but this whole morning was surreal, so he just thought why the hell not?
Adam beamed, flashing him his beautiful teeth and got up. “Great. I’ll go get changed, and I guess I’ll see you soon. Don’t do anything stupid in that time.”
“Can’t promise anything.”
Ronan smiled back at him and watched him walk out of his room.
A cute boy checked up on him when he had a nightmare. Sure, it was his job, but still. Said cute boy slept in his room tonight. This hospital visit was slowly turning into some of the best days of his life.
Adam. What a fucking beautiful name.
***
Adam Parrish. Ronan wondered if he had a middle name. Adam Alexander Parrish. Nah, it sounded dumb. Ronan wondered where Adam was, what he was doing. Was he at the hospital? Caring after someone else? Maybe he was making flirty-eyes at another patient, someone who wasn’t as shitty as Ronan, someone who actually talked like a normal person, someone female.
Ugh. Not knowing whether he was straight or not was frustrating. He thought about just asking him, but he didn’t have the guts to do it. He would then probably guess that Ronan is interested in him and tell him the feeling is not mutual. It would kill him. It would make this whole visit awkward and embarrassing. Who the fuck gets a crush on their nurse? Pathetic.
Maybe he could ask for a different nurse.
But no, he would just stay in this limbo state, admiring this beautiful boy from afar.
“Ronan?”
The voice broke through his haze and brought him back to reality. He was in his room, Blue sitting next to his bed. Right, another session.
“I asked you a question.”
“Which was?”
She sighed. He glared. “How are you feeling today?”
He glared some more, she raised her brow. Ronan then remembered that he wanted to try and not give her such a hard time. Because of Adam. It seemed that the last couple of days Ronan did everything for Adam.
Okay this may be an overstatement, but he was the first thought he had waking up, the last thought he had when he fell asleep and during the day he dozed off to think about his beautiful hair, eyes and his hands. Shaking his head, he muttered a simple “I’m fine,” and started eating his breakfast.
“Okay, I’ll just take it. Do you want to talk about why you are here?”
He shook his head. “Hell no.” He’d rather eat the hospitals chocolate pudding than talk to Blue about what had happened.
“Ronan, one day you’ll have to talk about it. You can make it easier with actually starting to talk. If you just don’t want to talk to me, I can get you a different doctor.”
“It’s not you. I just don’t want to talk about it, not with another shrink, not with any single person on this damn planet.”
He saw her frown and scribble something in her notebook. That notebook. He wondered what she wrote down. Stubborn prick, doesn’t talk. Conclusion: fucked up human being. Not able to function in society. Treatment: as much alcohol as possible.
He groaned. Alcohol would make this so much easier. He didn’t turn into some chatterbox when he drank, it was just easier to turn his thought and the world out.
“Okay then. Let’s talk about something else. Adam said you get night-terrors.”
Ronan felt anger rising but immediately he tried to suppress it. He could get why Adam did it, it was his job after all. But it still stung a little. He wanted their conversations to stay just between them, like a secret.
“Can you tell me about your night-terrors?”
He knew that at some point he would have to talk to her. She was assigned as his psychiatrist for this whole week, and he’ll probably be forced to see her after that too. It was one of his brother’s demands, and as much as he hated it, he couldn’t do anything about it.
“I’ve had them since I can remember. But when I was younger they weren’t as bad. Three years ago they got worse. Apparently I scream a lot during them and once I accidently attacked my roommate.”
He still felt guilty about that. It was one of the worst nights in his life. He had a shitty day, filled with too much Declan and not enough alcohol. He came home feeling completely drained and fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed. Sometime during the night he woke up, finding Noah lying on the floor with a bloody nose.
Ronan apologized more times than he ever had in his life. Noah was telling him over and over that it’s okay, it’s not his fault.
“It’ll help me with the ladies. I’ll tell them I fought a thief who tried to steal a purse of an old lady. Girls love that, don’t they?”
Ronan had no idea what girls loved. After that he drank more before going to bed, and it didn’t happen again.
“Can you tell me what you dream about?”
That’s the thing, he usually can’t remember his dreams. Only parts of it, and the overall creepy atmosphere. “I only remember glimpses. A dark forest, a lot of birds. Sometimes there are people, but I can never see their faces.”
She gave him a simple hmmm and wrote something down. He was waiting for an explanation or something, but she just continued her questions. She asked him about the forest and the birds, but he tuned her out. He was done talking, he just wanted to be alone for now.
She sensed his mood and smiled at him. “Great, at least we made some progress. We’ll see each other tomorrow again.”
She left and Ronan’s heart skipped a beat when he heard her speaking with Adam. He again couldn’t make out what they were saying, so he just enjoyed his voice.
He could listen to his voice for hours. It was so soft and smooth, sometimes he slipped into a Henrietta accent. He was trying hard to hide it and Ronan couldn’t help but find it adorable.
A few minutes later he came in, smiling broadly at Ronan. What was it like to be this beautiful boy who smiled at strangers like they were his best friends?
“I heard you made some progress. That’s great! Since you’re in such a good mood, why don’t we go outside?”
As if Ronan could say no to this smile. Sighing he got up and followed Adam to the garden.
He’d never been there before, but it was exactly as he imagined it. Small, a few trees and benches, with a lot of old ladies walking around. Adam sat down on a bench and patted the spot beside him.
With his heart beating a bit too fast, Ronan sat down. He was aware of the little space between them, every single inch. It was like something was pulling him to Adam, like gravity or some shit.
Before he could do something stupid, Adam turned to him and smiled. “Isn’t this nice? Some fresh air, the sun and nature all around us.”
If by nature he meant the couple of bushes and trees that hid the next highway, then no, it wasn’t really nice. It looked more pathetic. But with Adam sitting beside him, smiling at him like that, he couldn’t help but agree.
“Yeah, very nice.”
***
Ronan had seven days left to make Adam Parrish fall in love with him. Six days, seven hours and ten minutes to be exact, but who was counting.
It seemed impossible. What would a guy like Adam even like about him? What would anyone like about Ronan? He often wondered why Noah even put up with him. Hell, even Ronan wouldn’t want to be friends with himself, he’d probably punch himself in the face if he could. But that was nothing new.
Looking out of his door he saw Adam standing there, talking to some other nurse. Every time Ronan looked at him he was taken aback by his beauty. Sometimes it hurt looking at him, like looking at the sun, it was just too much.
He needed a plan. Ronan had no idea how to flirt or be charming. He didn’t have the looks to win him over. Maybe he could shower him in gifts.
Ronan snorted. Why was he even thinking about it? It was dumb. He didn’t even know whether Adam liked boys.
So he decided to just enjoy his company as long as he could. Maybe someday they would meet again, it wasn’t like the city was very big. But what would he even say then? Hey Adam, remember me from the hospital? It’s me, the kid who tried to kill himself and had a massive crush on you. Right. As if Adam would even remember him after he got released.
This situation sucked. So instead he focused on the positive things, like Adam’s cute ass.
***
Ronan was already half asleep when Adam popped in.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t think you’d already be asleep.”
“Well, it’s not like there is much more to do here.”
“You know, Ferdie from two rooms over always plays Bingo in the evening. You could join him.”
Ronan glared at him, trying very hard not to stare at his mouth. His full, flush lips looked so inviting in that moment, he surely couldn’t blame Ronan if he tried to kiss him, right?
Get a grip, Lynch.
Adam extended his hand and gave him his sleeping pills and some water. Ronan took them without protest.
He looked over at Adam, noting the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. “Jesus, Parrish, do you ever actually go home?”
He laughed and sat down on the chair next to the bed. “How could I, if there’s this charming boy here who I have to protect from night-terrors?”
Ronan’s breath caught. He knew he was teasing, but charming boy? Did he mean that? Or was he making fun of him? Could it be that Adam Parrish was also attracted to him?
Ronan didn’t really think, he just acted. He did that a lot, acting without thinking it through, but this time he didn’t regret it one bit.
He kissed Adam, fast and hard. His lips were as soft as he thought they’d be. For a moment Adam just sat there, frozen. Then, slowly, he pulled back.
Maybe Ronan did regret it. He started apologizing as soon as he got his breathing under control. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t—I don’t—“
His words and breath were cut off by Adam’s lips pressing to his. Only this time the kiss was soft and gentle, everything that Ronan wasn’t used to. Adam’s beautiful hands were stroking his face and it made Ronan literally melt. He would have thought it was a dream, but he had never had a nice dream.
This time it was Ronan who broke away, because he was sure he’d pass out if he didn’t get some oxygen into his lungs. Adam was looking at him, smiling hesitantly. Ronan had no idea what to say, his brain was still processing everything that just happened.
In the end it was Adam who broke the silence. “I can’t get caught messing around with my patients. So if this is a thing we’re actually doing, we have to wait until you get released. Okay?”
“Do you want this to be a thing?”
“I think I just made it pretty clear, didn’t I?”
“I don’t know, you don’t seem very—“
Adam kissed him again and again. Ronan couldn’t wait to get out of here.