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She’s nervous. The kind of nervous you get the first time you meet someone and butterflies appear, swarming, swooping, fluttering until you can’t see straight. The kind that wakes you up at 2 am because you can’t stop thinking about a person, the person you love and crave most.
Yet, why is she feeling all this now? Now after 25 years of knowing him. After 10 years apart. After four years of trying to rebuild what they once had. Why is he still the one who can bring her to her knees and flip her world upside down without even trying?
Because.
Because Elliot Stabler is the love of her life.
And even when she tried to forget him. Even when she told herself she hated him and that she’d never forgive him, it was all a lie. Because that man was ingrained so deeply in her soul, like a tattoo over her heart, sometimes it was hard to figure out where one began and the other ended. It was hard to separate herself from the man that had captured her heart, body, and soul for so damn long.
She fidgets.
Pulling at her gray sweater. Should she have worn something else? She’d only changed a dozen times before he picked her up. Her son, Noah, was nearly ready to explode by the third outfit and he’d called Fin to make him call her down by the sixth.
She can’t help but laugh to herself thinking about how she had bickered with her second in command, her best friend, the man who had helped pick up the pieces after Elliot left the first time.
“Why are you freaking out so much? It’s not like it’s a blind date. You sat across from the ugly bastard for 12 years? So you’ll sit across from him at a table tonight and get a free meal out of it. What’s the big deal?”
“Fin you know what the big deal is!”
“What, that you’ve been in love with each other for a quarter of a century so now there is an added pressure?”
“Fin…”
“Like what if after all this time you go out and the date sucks and you realize you’re better as friends?”
“Fin!”
“Or are you nervous about seeing him naked? Does the outside you’ve seen match what you’ve dreamt about in your head? Is he as big as you-“
“Odafin Tutola! I swear to God I’m gonna kick your ass when I see you next!”
He chuckled, “My job here is done.”
“What?”
“I got you to laugh. Distracted you. Now you’re ready. You’ve been ready and so has he. It’s time, Liv. It’s time.”
Staring at him on the screen she frowns, thinking about how long she's wanted this. How long she's waited for this? How nearly a year ago she told him she wasn't ready.
But here she was.
A knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts and she took a shaky breath, "He's here..."
"You got this, Benson. You've handled much harder things than this. And this? This is a good thing. A very good thing. It's going to be okay."
"And if it's not?" She asked in her softest, most worried voice.
"Then I'll be right there beside you. I"'ve got your back, Benson. And he's got your backside."
"Fin..." She laughed harder, feeling her heart pound in her chest.
"Go get 'em, Benson. Show him what he's been missing."
She took a deep breath and smiled, "Thank you. For...everything."
"Always. I'll talk to you later."
"Bye, Fin."
She hung up, hearing murmured voices knowing that Noah was keeping him occupied. No doubt showing him all the new things in the apartment they'd acquired since the last time he was here. He'd been undercover and Noah had asked nearly every day about when he would be back.
Their combined laughter made her heart soar, giving her the strength to stand up off the bed. She checked herself in the mirror, fluffing her hair and fixing her makeup. Her hands had slid down her neck, her fingers delicately tracing the lines of the compass around her neck. The one that he had given her and she'd kept on since that day in her office.
Is this supposed to lead me somewhere or to something?
Lead you to happiness, Liv.
She took a shuddering breath, rolling the compass in her fingers again. With one last look at herself, she couldn't help but think this was the beginning. The beginning of something, something she'd longed for for so long.
When she stepped out of her room, two heads turned in her direction. Both of them offered a smile. Noah and Elliot, the two greatest loves of her life. The two pillars that had weathered so many storms with her, that had flipped her world upside down and at times put it back together.
Yes, this was the beginning of something. Something good.
And in the beginning...there was him.
She approached, smiling down at them both, "Sorry I kept you waiting."
Elliot couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her, those sparkling sapphires devouring her as if she were the most precious thing in the world. Her heart skipped a beat, pressing against the pendant around her neck.
"I would have waited forever, Liv."
And in some ways, he did.
They both did.
But there was no more waiting to be done.
Her breath caught in her throat as she lifted her hand, subconsciously running along the compass again. A habit she'd picked up the last few months, one she knew everyone around her noticed. Biting down hard on her lip she smiled, "Well, we should get going then?"
He nodded once, letting his eyes follow the path to where her hand was. And when he saw it, the compass, the compass he'd designed, the one he'd thought about for months was shining up at him. His hand lifted, those long fingers reaching out, folding over her own as he whispered, "You're wearing it."
Beside her, Noah beamed at the two of them, "SHe hasn't taken it off since you gave it to her."
Olivia’s eyes shot toward her son, "Noah..."
He shrugged innocently, "Just saying."
Nervously, she lifted her eyes to his and saw that that smile was brighter than usual. That look in his eyes, the one that always made her melt seemed to be more powerful than ever and her knees shook.
How the hell was she going to make it through tonight?
His hand felt to his side, before he placed it palm side up for her to take, “Ready, partner?”
She looked down at her son, to his babysitter waiting in the kitchen and she knew that it was now or never. So, she took his hand and took the leap. Decided to start at the beginning. Their beginning.
And no matter what, she believed he’d have her back just like he always did.
“Ready, partner.”
Now snapping out of her memory, she looks around the dimly lit restaurant. Happy couples, friends, family surrounding her.
Lead you to happiness, Liv.
Happiness.
One thing she’s been chasing for her whole life. True happiness. And as a gentle hand falls on her back from behind, that familiar touch, his touch she thinks, no she knows she’s finally found it.
He clears his throat, taking a seat beside her as he whispers, “Sorry about that.”
She smiles, shaking her head. He’d excused himself for a phone call, one she assumed was for work - and she knew that feeling well, “It’s okay. I understand.” She pauses, lifting her hand to reach for her wine glass needing something to distract herself as she lies, “It’s okay if you need to go-“
But his hand reaches out, his long fingers gently wrapping around her wrist, running circles against her smooth skin. Her pulse skips a beat and she knows he can feel it. Her eyes lift to his as he leans across the table, “Not going anywhere, Benson. They’d have to drag me out of here tonight. I’m right where I should be.”
She bites her lip, letting his words sink in and those damn butterflies are at it again. Swooping, swarming, flipping until she’s quite sure she may fall out of this damn chair. “But-“
He shakes his head again, “It wasn’t work. Bell told the team they were under no condition to bother me for at least 24 hours.” He pauses, cringing before whispering, “Not that I’m assuming we’ll be together in 24 hours still.” He cringes harder and now she’s reaching for him, “I mean we’ll be together but not physically together. We won’t - I don’t expect - I mean-“
“El?”
From across the table, her voice, his nickname fell from her lips pulling him back down to reality. That nervous energy radiating off of him, the fear of screwing this up simmering as she tugs his hand closer across the table.
“It’s okay. I knew what you meant.”
He lets out a soft breath, threading his fingers with her, “Yeah? I didn’t totally just screw this up by thinking-“
She can’t help but laugh, and it makes her feel better knowing he is just as nervous as she is, “No. You didn’t screw anything up.”
He bites his lip, and lifts his eyes to hers, a question still lingering there. So she squeezes his hand and scoots her chair closer, feeling herself relax. This is Elliot.
Her Elliot.
Fin was right.
She sat across from him for years. Shared a thousand meals, 300 take-out coffees and so much more. He’s seen her at her worst and at her best. Seen her after 3 3-day bender, no sleep, hair sticking up, makeup gone, and stains on her shirt.
He knows her.
And she, she knows him.
Her shoulders relax as she whispers, “I promise, you didn’t screw anything up. We’re good, El. We’re really good.”
He sighs, sliding his chair closer still. The distance between them shrinks by the second in more ways than one.
“Good.” He gives her a small smile, shrugging before he whispers, “I just want to make sure this night goes well. Ya know…so hopefully you’ll let me take you on a second date.”
Her nose scrunches as she lifts her free hand, resting her elbow on her desk, resting her chin in her palm as she beams over at him. Sure, she’s sat across from him at his desk, at a table at hundreds of restaurants but this is different. It’s a date and she doesn’t have to hold back if she doesn’t want to.
“A second date. Hm…that would be somethin’, huh?”
He leans in closer, his whole torso practically bent over the table to reach for her, “It would be.”
“Well….so far the first one is going pretty well. At least I think so.” She pauses before adding, “Despite the fact that before you got to my apartment I almost passed out, I think we’re doing pretty good.”
He chuckles softly, never taking his eyes off of her, “That’s okay. I have a bruise the size of Texas on my ass because I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. I ran toward the bathroom and tripped over my own damn feet. Bathroom floor 1, Elliot Stabler 0.”
Her head falls back, that beautiful laugh of hers echoing through the room and it feels like music to his ears. A sound he spent ten years searching for but never finding. And even in the last four years, he hadn’t been gifted it nearly enough. But the waiting, the work, the vulnerability had been worth it to get to sit across from her here tonight.
He meant what he said earlier.
He would have waited forever.
“Ouch.” She looks back at him, tilting her head to the side - a curl falling around her gorgeous face, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Are you really though?” He teases, his chair scraping against the floor, his voice dropping dangerously low, his nerves somehow floating away.
It’s because of her.
It’s always her.
She’s been the one thing, the one person to bring him back down and he knows now what he wants. He wants her. All of her. He wants dinners like this, quick lunches during the work day just because they can’t wait until the evening to see each other. He wants to bring her coffee in the morning as a surprise, to see her smile up at him from behind her desk like he hung the moon.
He wants her good days. Her bad days and all the days in between. He wants it all and then some and if he’s lucky, damn lucky he’ll have it.
This time, she leans in - so close he can feel her breath on his face, close enough to kiss, “No. Not really.”
He snorts, “Just as I thought. You enjoy watching me suffer.”
“Nah.” Her eyes roam his face, taking it all in before she whispers, “I just like knowing you were just as nervous as I was.”
His hand lifts, brushing back her hair before he turns it, the back of his fingers sliding along the line of her jaw until he’s at her neck, touching the compass once more, “Nervous? I was terrified. This…” He gestures between them, “It’s been a long time coming.”
“It has, hasn’t it.” She blushes, looking down at their still joined hands on the table, “A hell of a long time.”
A comfortable silence settles between them. The soft murmurs of the people around them, glasses tapping, silverware scraping against a plate, laughter, music from the speakers, and the soft wurr of the heat above them all fades out to nothing.
It’s just them.
Only them.
Just the way it has always been.
Just the way it will always be.
“Liv?”
She inhales softly, lifting her head to look at him again, “Hm?”
“I’m really glad we’re finally doing this.”
Her blush deepens as she pulls her lip between her teeth, “Me too.”
This time, he doesn’t hesitate as he lifts himself from his seat, leaning even closer. He hears her breath catch, his eyes searching hers. He wants this, more than anything but if she says no, he’ll wait. But when the corner of her lips pull up in a slow smile letting him know she’s ready too - he makes his move.
His lips touch hers so softly, and he holds still. But then, she does something he realizes he has needed. She leans in. She makes the choice. She breaks down the final wall, sinking deeper into the kiss, her tongue tracing his bottom lip.
His hands lift, curling around her face, his fingers tangled in her hair and she sighs into his mouth and suddenly nothing else matters but this moment.
The beginning.
Their new beginning.
When he pulls back, he smiles, the kind of smile that makes the damn butterflies return to do a victory lap. The lines around her eyes crinkle as she laughs nervously, happily. He lets his lips ghost across hers once more before rubbing the tip of his nose against hers again.
He sits back down, feeling lighter, bolder, happier, and stronger than he has - maybe ever. He smiles, shakes his head, and stands again. She watches him, tracking his every move as he slides his chair all the way beside her. He settles himself down, wrapping his arm around her shoulder as he pulls her against his side, “This okay?”
She nods, looking at him out of the corner of her eye, “This is great.”
His hand falls to her shoulder, his fingers rubbing circles against her sweater. Her hand falls to his knee, tracing the lines on his jeans. She lets out a happy sigh before looking up at him, “So if that wasn’t work on the phone, who was it?”
“Oh.” He chuckles, running his fingers along his beard, “My Mom.”
“Bernie?”
He nods giving her a goofy grin, “She wanted to remind me for the millionth time not to fuck this up again. And yes, she used those exact words.”
She laughs again, this time leaning into him. She presses her lips against his neck, her body shaking with laughter and it’s the best damn feeling he’s ever felt before, “Oh.”
“Once again,” He tickles her sides, “You’re mocking my pain.”
She laughs harder before lifting her head to look at him, dropping a kiss to the corner of his lips - feeling his beard tickle her lips, “No. Not really.” She pauses as he gives her a look, “Okay this time, maybe a little. It’s funny thinking about your Mom lecturing you about this. About us.”
“She likes you. She’s always liked you.” He pauses before adding, “And for the record so have I.”
“Hmmm…” She reaches for her wine before leaning back into his embrace, “She’s pretty great too.”
“Thanks for checking on her while I was under.”
His voice is soft, laced with love and gratitude.
“Of course.”
“And thanks for the million and one other things you’ve done since the beginning.”
“The beginning…” She lets out a shuddering breath.
“You know, I still remember the first time I met you.” He whispers, “Like it was yesterday. That was the beginning. But so is this in a way.”
She nods, “Yes. It is.”
“And in the beginning…it was you.” He leans in, kissing her softly, eyes wide open, “It was always you.”
She leans her forehead against his, “It was always you, too.”
He kisses her again, then her temple before reaching for his phone, “I promised my Mom a picture.”
“You did, huh?”
He smirks, “Uh-huh. Proof that I didn’t screw it up.” He pauses, “At least not yet.”
She laughs as he holds the phone out, leaning her chin against his shoulder as his head rests against hers, “You won’t. I believe you.”
“You always did. Even when I didn’t believe in myself.”
He feels her squeeze his knee as he snaps the picture. He turns it, feeling her nuzzle into his side as she looks at it with him. “Good looking couple…”
He smiles at the memory of Fin’s wedding. The possibilities, all of them laid out before them that night seemed so far away. But here they were and the wait had been more than worth it.
“I agree.” He reaches for his own wine, holding it between them, “To the beginning.”
She lifts her own glass, tapping it against his, “To the beginning…” She takes a sip before whispering, “And everything in between.”
He beams at her, knowing it’s her way of letting him know she’s in this. For better or worse. He pulls her closer, unable to stop kissing her now that he’s started. The taste of the wine on her lips makes him dizzy, makes the butterflies in her belly take flight again.
And when he pulls away, settling her against his side once more they both know that this is it.
And damn does that feel good.