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Dear Journal,
Despite the absolute agony I felt when Mother signed me up for this stupid camp, I am glad I came. And yes, I know it was a half-ditched attempt to get rid of me for a few months, but I’ve actually learned a couple things over the past few weeks.
1. I’m scarily good at the kazoo.
2. I am in love.
3. I am irrevocably fucked.
Baring the kazoo thing, I figure that if I ignore the first, the latter would disappear from existence, and everything would go back to normal. That’s how it works, right? Bottle things up and nothing bad will happen? It’s just… weird, because when Nethrissa first asked for help getting Goran’s attention, I thought “Sure, this may be fun. Anything for a friend” but like, it's been three weeks and she’s nowhere closer to getting his attention? She spends more time talking to me and planning. Planning, planning, planning, and the more we do, the more I dread her actually talking to him? And now I get butterflies whenever she talks to me, but it must be a good sign. Right? And-
This is ridiculous. I am a girl, there is no way I can like a girl, much less Nethrissa Vrye-
“What are you writing?”
Lila jumped, slamming her journal closed. She was so in her head, she hadn’t even heard anyone enter the bunk. Nethrissa was standing at the end of Lila’s bed, her figure silhouetted against one of the remaining lamps illuminating the shared space. The light bounced off of her auburn hair, giving it a red-ish glow. Lila quickly looked around, seeing all the other girls murmuring to each other as they started getting themselves ready for bed.
“Oh uh, I am just journaling.” She blushed, tucking the journal closer to her chest, as Nethrissa smirked.
“I mean, yeah, you’ve been doing that all summer. I just meant, you seemed more into it today.” Nethrissa scrunched her face in what seemed to be a mock concentrated look, sticking her tongue out a little and miming writing. Lila huffed a laugh, shifting a little bit.
“I do not look like that.” Lila put the journal under her pillow as Nethrissa giggled.
“Yeah, you do. But it’s cute, don’t worry.” Lila’s breath hitched a little at the comment, praying Nethrissa didn’t notice as she moved to sit down. She sat cross legged at the end of the bed, facing Lila. “Ok, so. What’s the plan?”
“...The plan?” Nethrissa rolled her eyes a little bit.
“‘The plan?’; Yes, the plan,” she lightheartedly mocked, “I’m hanging out with Goran tomorrow.” Lila tensed.
“What? When did this happen?”
“We talked today. We’re going to go for a walk by the lake after supper tomorrow.” Nethrissa searched Lila’s face. “You don’t look excited.” Lila straightened up, putting on a smile.
“No, I am, I swear! It just caught me off guard a little.” Nethrissa beamed, and Lila felt her smile soften into something real.
“Good! Ok so, I was thinking, I’ve never kissed anyone before, right?” Lila nodded. “But I want to be good for Goran, like- I want our first kiss to be special, and according to my sister it’s always awkward, so I was thinking I could get some practice.” Lila’s eyebrows furrowed.
“Where are we going to find a guy for you to practice with before tomorrow? It’s already past curfew.” Nethrissa shrugged.
“I was just thinking I would practice with you.” Lila felt the whole world freeze. Her heartbeat was pounding out of her chest, so loud she was convinced Nethrissa could hear it from where she was sitting.
“What?” She murmured.
“I just figured I would practice on you. Like, it’s not that big of a deal, right? I thought since we’re friends and you had helped me with all this so far, it wouldn’t be a big thing.” Nethrissa searched Lila’s eyes, taking note of the blush so prominent on Lila’s face, she was sure she couldn’t even pretend it wasn't there. “We… we don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable. I just wanted it to be perfect, you know? And I thought practice may help… nevermind it’s stupid.” Nethrissa lowered her head.
“No,” Lila blurted. Nethrissa raised her head, “I mean, I- I can help. I was just nervous because I have never kissed anyone before either. I get why you would want to practice.” Nethrissa grinned, moving closer so her knees were touching Lila’s.
“Are you sure?” In the near dark, Nethrissa’s eyes appeared to glow silver. This close, Lila could almost see something swirling in them. “Lila?”
Lila nodded. Nethrissa grinned softly, resting her hand on Lilas thigh as she leaned closer. Lila leaned in to meet her. She kept her eyes open, watching as Nethrissas lips puckered, meeting hers before pulling away quickly. Despite the quick connection, Lila’s lips tingled.
“That wasn’t very good.” Nethrissa said, a confused look on her face. Lila swallowed hard.
“I,” Lila’s voice cracked, and she cleared her throat, “I did not give you much to work with. I don’t know what I am doing.” She awkwardly chuckled, dropping her head. Nethrissa huffed.
“That’s fine, I only know ‘cause I saw it in a play.” She somehow scooted closer, almost on Lila’s lap. “Look at me.” Lila looked up, a strand of hair in her face. With her free hand, Nethrissa pushed the strand of hair behind Lila’s ear, keeping her hand resting on her cheek. “That’s better. Now, pucker your lips.”
Lila blinked, over exaggeratingly puckering her lips like she had seen Aeden do once. Nethrissa laughed. “No, like,” she put her thumb on Lila’s lips, “...gentler.” She puckered her lips as if putting on lip gloss, in demonstration. Lila copied her, still very aware of Nethrissa’s fingers on her mouth. “Yeah, like that, I think.” She brushed her thumb down, gently pulling Lila’s bottom lip into a pout, before moving her hand back to Lila’s cheek, softly brushing across her cheek bone and under her eye. “Your freckles are adorable this close,” she whispered, her hand still tracing Lila’s face, “It’s like I could count every single one.” Lila’s heart was beating so hard that it hurt, but she couldn’t make herself pull away. She could only track Nethrissa’s movements, mesmerized by the feeling of her finger tracing lines between freckles, the dampening of her lips, the sun spots from being outside all summer beginning to emerge on the bridge of her nose.
“And-” Lila swallowed hard again, speaking just as softly, “Now what?” Nethrissa’s eyes met hers, looking up at her through her eyelashes.
“Close your eyes.” Lila hesitated slightly, not wanting to break the gaze on the girl in front of her, but did as she was asked. She felt Nethrissa guide her face forward a little and followed, offering no resistance to the movement.
Her lips were soft when they met Lila’s, tentatively moving, spurring Lila to copy the miniscule movements. Lila felt her heart clench as she felt a tickle of breath underneath her nose, realizing this is the closest she’s ever been to another person, let alone another girl. She wondered what her parents would think if they found out. Nethrissa kissed her deeper, all thoughts wiped from Lila’s mind as she felt Nethrissa’s tongue against her bottom lip.
Lila didn’t get to reciprocate as Nethrissa pulled away first, causing Lila to take a shaky breath. She looked at the other girl through half-lidded eyes; Neither girl said anything for a moment.
“Better?” Lila whispered. Nethrissa cocked her head to the side, confused. “Then the first try?” Nethrissa laughed a little.
“Yeah… I- I think I’ll be fine.” Lila blinked, grinning a little.
“Good. Good, I’m glad I could help.” The two girls stared at each other for a little longer.
“I, uh,” Nethrissa started, taking a shaky breath, “I wouldn’t mind one more practice attempt. Just for luck.”
Nethrissa quickly leaned in, Lila meeting her enthusiasm with vigor, their lips mending into one another as they kissed once again. Lila felt Nethrissa shift, trying to move closer onto her lap, and shifted one of her hands to rest on Nethrissa’s hip, hesitating for only a moment. She pulled her closer almost unknowingly, wanting to fully feel the warmth of the other girl on top of her. Nethrissa licked at Lila’s bottom lip again, and she parted them slightly, allowing entry to whatever Nethrissa may have wanted to try. Lila’s head was fuzzy as the two of them kissed for another couple of minutes, before breaking away, gasping for breath as if breaking the surface of a body of water.
“Ok…” Nethrissa takes a deep breath, but is interrupted by whatever she was going to say by one of the other girls wolf whistling. Both girls blush while Nethrissa laughs, backing away from Lila. “Shut up!” She swings her legs off Lila’s bed. “Thanks so much for the help, Lila. Goran isn’t going to know what hit him.” Lila felt her heart clench at the reminder, giving Nethrissa a weak smile while she avoided her eyes.
“Yeah, of course. Good luck.” Nethrissa stands up, backing away from Lila’s bed with a smile.
“Good night!”
“Yeah, night!” Lila watched her walk over to her own bed before flopping down, staring at the ceiling. She could hear Nethrissa joking around with the other girls as she got ready for bed, explaining once again that the kissing was just practice for tomorrow. She waited until the lights were off and everyone else's breathing evened out before pulling out her journal once again.
Dear Journal,
…fuck.