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“I.N. always talks about Seungmin.” Hyunjin yells out in English, finishing the half-written sentence. Seungmin grips his shoulder from behind Jeongin, who just turns to look at Seungmin. The brown haired boy has an excited glint in his eyes, smiling bright alongside the glint of metal. He gets lost in the brown swirl of the older boy’s eyes, staring for a moment, before coming up with a snarky comeback to him.
“Ew no.” Jeongin says, pushing his hands off of his shoulder, pretending to be disgusted. He goes quiet again, listening to the members answer the questions in English, minus Minho. Jeongin likes to sit in silence, moreso when Seungmin is talking. His slight lisp, metal blocking his tongue, as he giggles and slanders the members. Jeongin knows where he got his snarkiness from. His one and only hyung. It’s like this even when it’s just them. Sharing a couch in their dorm, Seungmin endlessly talks, while Jeongin listens. It’s quiet whilst Jeongin drives them. Hand gripping the steering wheel tightly as the car is filled with their awkward silence. He wonders if Seungmin notices how quiet he gets when he isn't around.
Don’t you notice how, I get quiet when there’s no one else around.
Me and you in awkward silence.
Don’t you dare look at me that way.
I don’t need reminders of how you don’t feel the same.
“You? Have girlfriends? Seungminnie, you’re too funny.” Minho jokes as he shoves the dishes into the dishwashing machine, smiling at Seungmin’s scowl.
“Of course I’ve had girlfriends hyung! I had one in highschool. I don’t anymore. Too busy.” Seungmin mutters under his breath, leaning on his tippy toes to reach the top of the shelf to put the dishes away.
“Yeah? Tell me about her then if you’re so sure.” Minho teases, kicking Seungmin with his foot. Felix just laughs at them as he leans against the counter, watching the scene unfold. Jeongin watches with intent eyes, watching as Seungmin’s face contorts into different expressions, describing his previous girlfriend, almost with heart eyes. Jeongin bites his lip as he takes a sip of his Americano, jealousy curling in his stomach. He knows realistically he can’t stop Seungmin from dating who he wants. He wishes he was the one that Seungmin was harping on about.
“She’s so perfect, blah blah blah” Seungmin’s words just fade into mumbo jumbo as Jeongin tunes him out, refusing to listen about some old fling. “-new soulmate! Then I ran to her and confessed.” Jeonging vaguely hears, unintended. Jeongin’s eyes fall to the floor, to his coffee cup. He wishes it was him, that they went to the same school, Seungmin running to catch up with Jeongin as they walk home together, Seungmin out of breath from trying to catch up with the younger boy. They used to meet at a park that connected both of their highschools, Seungmin just one year above him when they met. They would eat dinner together and walk each other back home.
“I wish I still had a girlfriend.” Seungmin sighs as his shoulder droops. Minho and Felix laugh at him, Jeongin forcing up a fake laugh.
‘Stupid Kim Seungmin! Wake up! I’m right here!’ he internally screams, and clears his throat, walking away from the group.
Oh, the burning pain.
Listening to you harp on ‘bout some new soulmate
“She’s so perfect”, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, how I wish you’ll wake up one day
Run to me, confess your love, at least just let me say.
Whenever he talks to Seungmin, his heartbeat spikes. It should be chemically studied, really. Seungmin’s angelic voice does nothing to soothe his heart rate, pace picking up when their eyes meet from across the dance room, through the glass of the recording studio. His eyes shooting darts straight into Jeongin’s heart, like a cupid’s bow. Jeongin writes about it. Has been ever since he met Seungmin. Even more so when he realized he had a huge, fat, crush on him. Every other day or so, he reads through his pages, flipping through the many different poems and memories of everytime Seungmin has done something that made his heart skip a beat. It’s stupid, really, that he still updates the fat notebook everyday, as a 23 year old. He feels like a 13 year old girl, flinging the notebook onto his bed as he writes about the 5 million things he finds endearing about Kim Seungmin. His entries are a little something like this.
‘Seungmin-hyung looked at me today, it felt like he was looking at me through the window, through my soul.’
‘Seungmin-hyung was so pretty in today’s music core. I like his orange hair. He really is a puppy…’
‘Seungmin’s hands are small compared to mine, not as small as Felix-hyung’s, but still small. I want to squish my hand around his.’
‘Seungmin-hyung and I have matching shoes today. We got iced Americanos even though it’s cold today.’
He sounds like a loon. These kinds of entries are the type of things 5 year olds tell their parents when they ask how their day went. He flings the notebook to the top of his closet, hiding it under some old clothes he outgrew many years ago. It isn’t really a secure spot, but he makes due. He likes to think that nobody has picked up on it yet, or at least he hopes so. Sometimes, when he catches Seungmin tidying up his room - or rather what Seungmin calls ‘a sorry excuse for a living space’ - he wonders if he looked at the heap of clothes and investigated it, only to find Jeongin’s scrappy notebook, filled with a million words dedicated to him. He wonders if he’s read it, and if he ever started to notice how Jeongin’s eyes always lingered on the back of Seungmin’s head even when he had turned away. He hopes he has. Maybe if he did he would confess everything he’s written, read it out to him, let all the feelings out that have been compiling since 2019.
That when I talk to you,
Oh, Cupid walks right through
And shoots an arrow through my heart.
And I sound like a loon,
But, don’t you feel it too?
Confess I loved you from the start.
Recently, he and Seungmin have grown close. Well, they were always close, but they had recorded a song together. ‘Can’t Stop!’ - Seungmin’s idea, really. This means they've been together more. Talking to each other about the composition of the song, sitting in the recording studio thinking about how exactly they want to execute a certain line. They sit on the couch of their dorm, 2 am, looking at the lyrics and notes they made after a particularly long recording session earlier today. Their knees brush against each other, knuckles knocking against each other as they try to pick up the same lyric sheet. Jeongin listens to Seungmin when he hums out a note, trying to nail the tone of a certain line. Jeongin knows Seungmin is more well-versed with harmonies and tunes, so he doesn’t try to help, knowing that Seungmin’s got it, anyways. He tries not to look at Seungmin’s face, but it’s hard not to keep eye contact when he talks to someone. His fluffy hair, just washed, bangs blown out his face and pinned away out of concentration, a blue Pochacco clip holding his deep brown hair out of his face. His bleached bangs fall out when he moves his face, framing his face so heavenly. His face is puffy after he had just washed it, lips a bit chapped from biting them in concentration. He loves seeing his hyungs like this. All of them. All bare and vulnerable, concentrated on their craft. Like Minho-hyung when he’s nailing a certain move down. Or Channie-hyung when he’s looking down at his computer, setting the layered vocals over each other, finishing a song. Or Changbinnie-hyung, rapping aggressively as his hand waves in the air, finding the perfect tone for his rap sequence. For Seungmin, it’s when he bites his lip in concentration, eyes spaced out as he listens to the backtrack of the song.
“I think we should stop for tonight, we can consult Channie-hyung for help later.” Seungmin says, groaning as he sits up and stretches. Jeongin doesn’t realize he’s still staring at Seungmin with adept admiration until Seungmin looks over at him, eyes curiously looking at him.
“Oh! Yeah… we can finish later. I think you're good. I mean- I think it’s good. The song. Your singing. I mean-” Jeongin stutters as he stands up abruptly. Seungmin stares at him, confused, before smiling brightly, eyes turning up and laughing as quietly as he can. It’s gentle and soft, like how everything about Seungmin is. He pats Jeongin on the back, smiling as he yawns.
“Don’t stress over it too much, Iyennie. You’re a good singer, too.” Seungmin whispers the last bit, still giggling as he walks up the stairs to his room. The thump of the older boy’s footsteps abruptly stops. “Night Iyen-ah, sleep well.” Seungmin whispers-yells his farewell, waiting for Jeongin’s response. Jeongin replies swiftly.
“You too, hyung. See you tomorrow.” Seungmin doesn’t reply. He doesn’t need to wait for Jeongin to know that he heard him. Instead, he hears the sound of footsteps resuming their path. Jeongin just stands still until he finally hears the distinct shut of Seungmin’s door. He melts into the couch, running his hands down his face, blushing furiously.
Later that night, after he finishes writing about it in his ‘Seungmin-hyung’ notebook, he collapses backwards, staring up at the roof of his bedroom. His heart beats out of his chest. He wishes he could unwind his heart and let it burst. Let himself go and tell Seungmin how he feels. He feels suffocated, holding himself back on hugging Seungmin, or doing anything. He knows that if he ever hugs Seungmin, it’ll be too much. He’ll hug him and be embraced in the warmth of his soft arms, and he’ll never want to leave. Then, he’ll be an idiot and tell him he loves him. It's terrifying to think about. Not the confessing part, he can do that effortlessly. But the after part. What comes then? If he gets rejected? If that ruins their friendship and he’ll never be able to be with Seungmin even as friends. If he says yes and they get exposed? Judged ? But if he never tells him how he feels, Seungmin will never even come close to being his. He’ll have to live to see Seungmin get swept away by the arms of some random girl, no doubt prettier than him. What if-
He’s losing his mind. Unrequited. It echoes in his brain, and the thought of losing him hurts more than not telling him at all. But, it hurts. It hurts to be so close and not tell him. He’s been loving the other boy for ages. He knows Seungmin well enough to know that, realistically, Seungmin would never throw his back to Jeongin. They’re too close for him to do that. Moreover, they’re bandmates . Coworkers. Seungmin has to be around him. That’s it. He’s telling him. It’ll be a harmless thing that they’ll joke about, sure. (He’s deluding himself.)
What’s a
girl
(boy) to do?
Lying on my bed staring into the blue.
Unrequited, terrifying.
Love is driving me a bit insane.
Have to get this off my chest, I’m telling you today.
The next day, they’re sitting in the recording studio, letting Chan tell them what parts need to be fixed and where he thinks it could be improved. They’re sitting on the lounge couch, Chan sitting across from them, pointing to the notes they made and giving feedback . The two boys nod in unison, and Jeongin is half focused on Chan and half focused on the way Seungmin’s hand is slinged around his shoulder. He’s so normal about this. Chan talks for ages, before giving them time to practice. They go over lines together, Jeongin looking down at the paper, but looking at Seungmin the majority of the time. Jeongin’s breath catches in his throat when Seungmin snaps his head up to look at Jeongin, anticipating an answer for a question that Jeongin didn’t really catch. Their eyes meet.
‘Shit. I’m caught.’ Jeongin internally panics. Seungmin stares at Jeongin, wide-eyed. His cheeks turn pink and he stumbles over his words as he looks back down to the papers again, scrambling to find a paper to grip. Jeongin’s heart flutters. His head is thought-empty.
“Hyung, doyouwannagetdinner?” Jeongin mutters out, still staring at Seungmin with flushed cheeks. Seungmin whips his head back up, and stares back at Jeongin, sharing the same expression. They sit in silence for a while before Seungmin speaks up.
“Oh- uh- yeah.” Seungmin mutters, turning back to the lyrics with flushed cheeks. There's No doubt that Chan probably heard their whole conversation, and has also figured out their predicament. When he looks up, Chan is staring back at them with a sweet smile on his face. Jeongin sticks his tongue out at him, probably still blushing wildly. Chan’s grin gets wider and his eyes disappear into little slits. Jeongin frowns at him, before turning away to focus on the task at hand.
That when I talk to you,
Oh, Cupid walks right through
And shoots an arrow through my heart.
And I sound like a loon,
But, don’t you feel it too?
Confess I loved you from the start.
They met outside of the JYP building. When he walks out of the door, it’s dark. They were recording for a few hours before they split up. Seugmin had a meeting with his vocal coach, and Jeongin went with Minho and Felix to practice the dance for their title track. Seungmin finished first, naturally, and when Jeongin sees him, he’s outside, leaning against the wall, with his phone illuminating his face. The tip of his nose is pink and his warm breath comes out in small clouds of fog, contrasting with the sharp, icy air. The big puffer jacket he has on swallows him whole. It’s similar to the one Jeongin is currently wearing. He always liked how he and Seungmin had similar taste in a lot of things. Similar taste in coffee, in clothes, in music. In this way, they complimented each other well.
“Hyung.” Jeongin breathes out, the air coming out in little smokes. Seungmin looks up and smiles, shoving his phone into his pocket. They walk together in silence. The cold air makes Jeongin’s hands cold. He wishes he could replace the warmth of his pocket with Seungmin’s hand. Though, he’s sure that his small hand would provide no warmth to protect him from the cold, he’d just be warm from being able to hold his hand. They’re stopped at a stoplight. The cold wind blows through Jeongin’s always long hair and through Seungmin’s always short hair. Jeongin wants to thread his fingers through Seungmin’s hair to see if it really is as soft as it looks. They contrast more than some people would think. Jeongin’s sharp features compared to Seungmin’s softer ones. Jeongin’s long hair, typically going for vibrant colors than just neutral ones. Seungmin’s always short hair, typically black or brown, rarely ever stepping out of bleached hair at most. Seungmin always opts to hang out with the members, while Jeongin says they should have some alone time. Seungmin was always good at school, Jeongin never was. The light from the street lights reflect off of the older boy's eyes. Jeongin has been staring at him for the last 5 minutes while they were walking probably. He doesn’t want to look away.
“Hyung, you’re beautiful.” Jeongin whispers, breathless as if Seungmin had stolen all of the breath in his lungs. Seungmin turns to look at him, and Jeongin doesn’t know if his cheeks are pink because it's cold, or because of the warmth in the younger boy’s tone. He hopes it’s the latter. Seungmin looks at him with wide-eyes. Jeongin moves closer to him, arms out of his pockets now, placing his hands on the younger boy’s cheeks. His cheeks look so puffy like this, Jeongin squishes them together and watches as the boy’s expression contorts into an annoyed one. Jeongin can’t hold back anymore.
“I love you.” Jeongin whispers, pressing close so they’re face to face, so close that their nose almost touches. Jeongin places his forehead onto Seungmin’s as they stare into each other’s eyes. Seungmin’s eyes are wide, hands placed onto Jeongin’s forearms through his thick jacket. They grip tight as they just sit in silence staring at each other. “I’ve loved you ever since I met you. There’s no one as beautiful as you. I’ve written probably a million poems about you. I can’t ever stop thinking of you.” Seungmin stares at him in awe, before snorting.
“I know, I saw.” Seungmin giggles, as he pushes himself into Jeongin’s chest, rubbing his cheek on the thick material of his jacket, trying to warm his pink cheeks up. Jeongin’s mouth hangs open in shock, just staring across the street. “I think it’s sweet, before you say anything. You were so cute back then! How come you never told me, you silly.” Seungmin separates and pinches his cheek. Jeongin grumbles and pushes his hand off his cheek, but grabs a hold of his wrist. He pulls Seungmin back in for a hug long anticipated. Seungmin sighs and melts into the touch, Seungmin’s arms connect around the nape of Jeongin’s neck, and Jeongin wraps his around Seungmin’s small midriff. They sit in silence, Seungmin occasionally rubbing his cold nose into the nook of his neck. When they separate, they kiss, it’s a slow kiss, and it has so much emotion behind it, a million words unsaid that they haven’t been able to share until now.
“I love you so much, Iyen-ah.”
“I love you more.”
Confess I loved you.
Just thinking of you.
I know I loved you from the start.