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Short, sweet, concise.
They were the three rules that Taehyun had decided for his confession speech. Short, as to not overwhelm, sweet, because it was Yeonjun, and concise, because if Taehyun had ever been any trait it was concise.
He had planned it all over over the span of two weeks, in between rehearsal breaks, while in the waiting room for the recording booth, late at night under his bedsheets typing all he wanted to say into his notes app, attempting to find the perfect words. He wasn’t very nervous about it, he didn’t think. He had been in love with Yeonjun since the moment he landed eyes on him as a teenager, and so it was a natural feeling, that of being in love with him. Like breathing. He loved him like breathing.
He had told Huening Kai eventually, on his nineteenth birthday, when they all went to bed after an exhausting rehearsal day and Kai and Taehyun slept in the same bed because it was cold. “I have something to tell you, but you can’t tell anyone ever,” Taehyun whispered to him, and Kai nodded, very seriously. “I’m in love with Yeonjun-hyung.”
Kai had gasped, and then he had huddled closer, his features excited. “And what are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t really know,” had been his answer back then, and now, two years later, he had finally decided it was time to confess.
He didn’t really expect Yeonjun to reciprocate any feelings, as he had told Kai when he was discussing the speech with him, although this didn’t stop him from hoping. It was like a need for a cathartic experience. He needed Yeonjun to know how his heart fluttered for him. How he longed to hug him and see him laugh and pet his hair, how he felt warm inside when he smiled. And then he would invite him on a date, something casual, and his heart would be able to rest.
Kai then tried to discourage him from it. It had caught him by surprise, on one of their free days where they had both decided to stay in the dorms and rot away in their beds, and Kai had said it. “I don’t think you should ask Hyung out.”
“Why not?” Taehyun had answered, baffled, a little embarrassed, and Kai had looked at him with concern. He finished peeling away the apple he was going to eat. “He’ll be fine with it. He’s not--Kai, he could never be prejudiced against these things. You know him.”
“I’m not talking about that. He’ll be totally fine with you liking guys.” Taehyun ate the first apple slice, and Kai just kept looking at him. “I’m talking about your sake. What will you do if he rejects you?”
“I’ll be fine and move on like a normal person.” Kai sighed heavily, and Taehyun frowned. “I know he doesn’t like me. I’m just going to ask him out and we’ll see from there.”
“You love him too much for that,” Kai said, and that was that, and Taehyun had kept writing his speech.
He determined it was ready. Short, sweet, concise, and so much as he tried he couldn’t find a proper spot to bring it up. Their schedules were completely packed with recordings, meetings, soundchecks, lessons, and by the time they made it to the dorms Yeonjun was so tired he retreated into his room instantly. And so one day as rehearsal ended he went up to Yeonjun once their members had left the room.
“Hyung,” he called, and Yeonjun hummed, drying his hair with a towel as he replied to a text on his phone. Taehyun stood by him, waiting. “Are you busy now?”
“I was going to pick up a jacket I left in a meeting room upstairs. Why? We don’t have another schedule today, right?” Yeonjun looked up from his phone, confirming the question with his eyes, and Taehyun shook his head. “Good. Did you need anything?”
“Do you want me to go with you to get the jacket?” Taehyun tried, and Yeonjun frowned, putting the towel down as he bowed in goodbye to the staff members that had come in for recording today. He looked at Taehyun up and down, unsure.
“There’s no need for it. You should go home and rest. You have a photoshoot tomorrow, isn’t it?”
“I can grab a ride with you later, if you don’t mind. I need to talk to you about something.”
“But…Okay, then.” Taehyun waited as Yeonjun put his things away and then they said goodbye to the choreographer, exiting into the dark hallways. It was nearing ten thirty, and a few employees were packing up for the night, putting on coats and scarves over business suits, bowing as they passed them in the hallways. Taehyun trailed a step behind Yeonjun, inhaling and exhaling evenly, running over his speech in his head. Short, sweet, concise.
Yeonjun seemed calm, his face neutral, skin and hair sweaty under his cap. He looked handsome, as usual. “You did good today, I thought,” he said, as they started the climb up the stairs. “Very sharp.”
Taehyun hummed, acknowledging him. “Thanks, I still need to improve my footwork. You did good today, also. I liked that step you suggested, even though it probably won’t make it into the final.”
Yeonjun hummed, too, and they reached the top of the stairs, stopping to greet a few of their shooting crew that was leaving a brief in one of the rooms. They started walking towards the left side of the building, finding a cleaning lady that offered to open the door to the meetings wing for them.
The halls on this side were pretty empty, and so were the office areas, cold white lights shining straight and clean over gray walls and floors. The temperature outside was in the negatives, but Taehyun was running so hot from practise that he hadn’t even wanted to wear a coat. Their steps were the only sound echoing from the tall walls. It was quiet enough. “Hyung, so, I have something I wanted to talk with you about.”
“Hm. I think it was the soundproof room around the corner, where we met last time with that foreign producer. Do you remember?” Yeonjun mumbled, doing a double take at a corner and then deciding to go down the left hallway, leaving Taehyun a few steps behind as he tried to tighten his pace to catch up.
“I don't--Wait up.” Yeonjun disappeared down the hall, his shadow frozen before vanishing, too. Taehyun sprinted to the next intersection, bowing to a man that came out of a door in a suit before continuing. There was no Yeonjun. Where could he be?
He turned left, then traced his steps back and went right. He called out, softly, tilting his head to try to hear Yeonjun’s footsteps. “Hyung? Wait up.”
“I’m here,” came Yeonjun’s reply from far away, and Taehyun followed his voice, checking door numbers and marks to make sure he could find his way back later.
Yeonjun’s voice led him to a conference room, an empty amphitheater, and he had to squint his eyes at the bright overhead lights that shone over from the ceiling. He spotted Yeonjun’s tall figure at the other end of the room, exchanging bows with a lady at the entrance desk, and he made it across just as Yeonjun was turning back to the exit. He was breathless. “Hyung.”
“Taehyunie,” Yeonjun replied, looking surprised, as if he had forgotten they were together, and the echo from the big room repeated his name back to him. The lady behind them said her goodbyes as she went back into the office, and Yeonjun raised his hands over to Taehyun, where he held a neatly folded jacket. “I got it. She had kept it behind her desk for me.”
“I’m glad,” Taehyun said, truthfully, and he inhaled deeply, attempting to catch his breath as he stared at Yeonjun’s face, blood rushing to his hands. Short, sweet. He felt his ears hot. “Hyung, I have something to talk about.”
“Oh, yeah. Yes. Now?” Yeonjun opened his eyes suddenly, his feet shuffling awkwardly on the spot. They heard a noise far away, from the street, from another room. Taehyun heard his pulse in his throat. “Okay. Go ahead.”
“Yeah.” Short, sweet--how did it start, again? Why was Yeonjun harder to face than the mirror? “I’m sorry, if I’m startling you. I understand this can be…sudden? Maybe unexpected.” He inhaled deeply, managing finally to catch his breath. Concise. Concise, concise. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”
Yeonjun hummed for him to continue, and Taehyun inhaled, puffing out his chest, feeling the words come to him, orderly. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so I want you to tell me if, well, if I’m making you so.”
“Alright.”
“I…I appreciate you, Yeonjun.” He took a deep breath, and that was that. “Since we met, you’ve been one of the closest people to me. I go to you for the good things, and for the bad things, and I know you’re always there for me and I’m always there for you and the guys.”
“The reason I wanted to have this conversation with you is because I feel that I’m hiding something from you, and it really makes me uncomfortable, because I would feel sad if you were not telling me something for fear of what I thought, and I don’t want that kind of feeling between us ever, not between you and me and not between our team. And so what I wanted to tell you is that over time, my thoughts and feelings regarding you have developed into something else. Something more.”
“I know,” Yeonjun said, smiling sadly, and Taehyun shook his head.
“No, I mean, I like you.” Yeonjun stared at him, and Taehyun stared back, determined. “Not as a friend, but…as....”
“I know,” Yeonjun repeated softly, and Taehyun stopped, taken aback, his tongue swallowing the speech he had prepared.
Yeonjun looked up at him, and only now did Taehyun realise how much he’d been avoiding eye contact for the entire evening. He looked into his eyes, brown, he had such brown eyes, it was insane, and oh. Oh. “I know, Taehyun.”
“Oh. But…How?” The echo in the amphitheater seemed to bounce back at him, drowning his spinning thoughts faster than he could think them. “Did Hyuka tell you?”
“No, he didn’t. I just…I could tell. Oh, that sounded weird. I just knew,” Yeonjun mumbled, and Taehyun looked down to his toes, nodding, suddenly feeling dizzy. Yeonjun attempted another smile, sitting back onto the table. “You wanna sit?”
“I…Yeah.” Taehyun said, and he sat beside Yeonjun, leaning his weight on one of the desks.
“I didn’t want to bring it up, because, well, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Yeonjun started, looking around at the empty chairs. Taehyun did the same, humming. “I didn’t tell anyone. I would never.”
“I know. I’m not worried about that.”
And yeah, he wasn’t. Why would he? They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Taehyun internally thanked Yeonjun for allowing him a second to reboot. He felt his pulse slowly fall, nervousness from before swiftly evaporating. This was a twist he wasn’t expecting, but ultimately, well, his end goal had been achieved, right?
Taehyun took a deep breath, shaking off his initial surprise and regaining his thread of thoughts. This was actually a good thing, if he thought about it. If Yeonjun knew, well, it saved him the whole, ‘my best friend is crazily in love with me what the hell do i do’ moment and he can just jump right in. “I’m actually glad you know, I suppose. It saves you the shock.”
“It does,” Yeonjun agreed, and they sat in silence for another minute, the air conditioners buzzing louder.
“So, well. Now that that’s out of the way, I…”
“I’m sorry, Taehyunie. I…I don’t…”
“It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting you to say you liked me as well,” Taehyun smiled, trying to soothe him, and he continued onto his speech. Words came to him smoothly, now, and he felt happy. “I wanted to ask you out. Whenever you can, of course, our schedule is a bit packed these next weeks. I had thought maybe the movies, at the Lotte World Mall. It’s cliche, but the new Spiderman is on and I think it would be fun.” Taehyun finally looked at Yeonjun, and so he was taken aback when Yeonjun’s expression seemed pained. His face fell, concerned. “Hyung?”
“I really appreciate your feelings, and I’m very grateful that you decided to share them with me, Taehyun. It must have taken a lot of courage.”
And Taehyun realised, but only the second the glass started cracking. He paused as Yeonjun opened his mouth to say something else. “But…You, I, uhm…”
“And I want you to know that I will always love you regardless of anything, you know?
“But hyung, I-”
“Sorry, I interrupted.”
“I thought, maybe if you give me a chance.” Yeonjun tilted his head, smiling sadly, and Taehyun felt as his throat closed up. “I have so many things I want to show you, so many places that I wanted to, I-”
“I’m sorry, Taehyun,” Yeonjun repeated, like the echo, and Taehyun shook his head hard, as if to get the snow off his hair. Yeonjun appeared indifferent to the world shattering around them, his face the perfect mask of a pitied angel, Taehyun thought. He was so kind. “I don’t think it would be right.”
“I know you don’t like me now, but please let me try to win you over,” Taehyun tried, smiling, his voice wavering halfway. Yeonjun’s face did not change. “I promise I’ll be great, hyung. I’ll work very hard, I’ll take care of you. I-I’ll be good.”
Yeonjun smiled, lovingly, extending a hand to soothe Taehyun’s. “I know you would. God, I know.”
“So why won’t you let me try?” Yeonjun shook his head sweetly, “Please, hyung. Please. Just give me one chance.”
“Taehyunie, love. I can’t do that. I’m sorry.” Taehyun’s breath caught in his throat, swallowing hard, fingertips shaking. Yeonjun stared at him like he was a patient on his deathbed. Maybe Kai had stared at him like that too. “You’re amazing, and I know you’ll be the best boyfriend to a beautiful girl or boy. You’re smart, handsome, strong…the hardest working person I know. But I can’t do that to you.”
“But…I only have you.” Taehyun stared away, hands useless on his lap. His chest up to the brim. “But my heart hurts when I-I think of you.”
“I know. It’ll pass.”
Short, sweet, concise. “I’m sorry, Taehyun. I know you have so much love to give, but I…I just can’t return it the way you want. I just…I can’t. I still love you, of course, you know? Every time I look at you, I can’t believe you’re the thin little kid that used to follow us around in practice. You’ve grown so much, and I’m so proud to see the man you’ve turned into. And I can’t wait to see you grow even more.”
Taehyun had no voice left in him. Yeonjun kept talking, softly. “I love you now, and I loved you back then, and I will keep loving you until we’re old and bald, Taehyun. This changes nothing.”
“It changes nothing,” Taehyun repeated, from far away, and the echo of the room repeated it back to him. It sounded just as empty. “I. Okay, I. I think it’s kind of late, now.”
“Yeah, yes. I, uhm, I asked Beomgyu to wait in the third floor lobby earlier, if you want to take the car with him instead? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Yeonjun said, voice careful, as to not break him, and Taehyun nodded, attempting to smile, unable to raise his eyes in case they would betray him. He breathed, in, out, and stood up from the table.
“That’s good, yeah. Thanks. I’ll…get going, then.” Yeonjun hummed. “I’m sorry, that I. About. I didn’t want to weird you out, hyung.”
“Don’t say sorry. I’m not weirded out.” Taehyun hummed too. “I’ll see you at home?”
Beomgyu was chatty on the way to the parking lot. He was usually quiet at this hour, hiding under a hoodie and his headphones and falling asleep the very second his head touched the backrest of the carseat, but today he softly engaged Taehyun in conversation about their schedule and about a new pair of shoes Taehyun had wanted to buy last week. Taehyun attempted to answer. “I don’t really know about the effects of air resistance in dancing sneakers.”
“I saw a lot of studies. They say air resistant shoes keep their shape and last so much longer. I was talking to Heeseungie about it and he says it’s true, that Sunoo has had the same pair for like four months and they’re still going strong.”
“That’s cool.” The car started its engine, pulling out of the parking spot. Beomgyu hummed a song under his breath, making conversation with their driver. Taehyun couldn’t breathe. “Hyung, you knew, right?”
“Knew what?” Beomgyu didn’t look at him, looking out the window at the streetlights. “Knew what?”
“The thing.”
“I don’t know what you’re saying. Hey, I just got off the phone with Kai earlier, and he says he’s making us dinner. Soobin-hyung and Yeonjun-hyung have a meeting, so it’ll be us three. Wanna watch a movie?”
“Okay.” Their management didn’t have meetings after eleven, but he felt like playing along. He scooted over slightly, sinking into Beomgyu’s coat, hoping it would swallow him whole. “Hyung, can I sleep on you like this for a bit?”
“Yeah,” Beomgyu said, even though Taehyun knew he hated it when people slept like that on him. He started crying quietly a little while into the ride, and Beomgyu pretended he didn’t hear and hugged him a little tighter. “My god, it’s so cold. Aren’t you cold, Taehyun?”
“What do I do with myself?” Taehyun mumbled back, and Beomgyu squeezed him. “I love him, hyung. What do I do with myself?”
“Keep loving him,” Beomgyu whispered back, uncertain, and Taehyun stifled a sob. “It’d be a shame to not do so.”
“It would be, wouldn’t it,” Taehyun agreed, and when they got home they watched a movie and ate dinner with Kai. They let Taehyun cry in their arms until he was so tired that he fell asleep.