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10 December 1954, Washington DC, USA
It was very new for Lucy to visit her fiance in the office. Not because she hated being clingy on Hawk, God knows he doesn't like that, but because it was still hard to be in an office space at State after her father. But this was the only place she could both see Hawk and have another conversation than his father- thanks to Mary, Hawk’s secretary. Lucy grew fond of Mary and her political and sometimes daily conversations after knowing her a bit in events they have been together all these years.
“I’m genuinely sorry to see you go.” said Lucy sitting across Mary’s table while waiting for Hawk to take his last call for the day then they will be off to dinner with her mother. “We just started to have real conversations after seeing each other in events all these years.”
“Uh, yeah. I don't think I will miss those events though.” Mary said.
“At least I get to know you more. Thanks to Hawk.”
“Yeah, thanks to Mr. Fuller.” said Mary. Lucy thought she might have heard some sort of sarcasm in her voice but didn't care enough to address. The phone ring already ended the conversation anyway.
“Mr. Fuller’s Office.” Mary’s voice was now louder than only other voice than the new secretary’s typewriting. “Just a second.”
Walking to Hawk’s room and informing him that his last call of the day was on the line, Mary knocked the door. “The phone call you have been waiting from Mr. Sorrel at the Pentagon.”
“Thanks.” Hawk’s voice came to her ear. After a short pause, he added, “You guys can leave as well. That’s it for today. Goodnight Ms. Johnson.” The silent nod Mary gave was showing the smoothness of Hawks and Mary’s professional relationship. Lucy was going to miss her.
While returning to her desk to gather her things, Mary gave Lucy a smile. “I guess that's my cue to leave. Have a lovely evening Ms. Smith”
“Thanks, Mary. You too.” With a little hesitation she added, “Are you going to reconsider the wedding invitation? I know it will be a hassle for you but I’m sure Hawk would like to see you there. As would I.” reminding her their previous conversation.
“Thanks again. But I don't think it will be possible Ms. Smith.” said with a genuine smile. Her eyes turned to the new secretary Hawk now has, who will become the old one in a week when Mary leaves, “ Don’t forget to send the letters before you leave, so they will be posted first thing in the morning, Ms. Morwood. Have a lovely night.”
And the office turned into its regular voice. Hawk being on the phone which can be heard vaguely from the cracked door and typewriting in the background. God, she could have used some music in these moments, but Hawk would never have any type of music that she likes in the office. Just after couple of seconds the typewriter stops and Lucy starts to hear some paper noises and Ms. Morwood getting dressed to leave.
“Good evening Ms. Smith. Is there anything I can do for you before I leave?” she kindly asks before leaving the office and goes to her actual life.
“Can you make that phone call end more quickly?” she thinks but it’s pointless and just wishes her a good evening as well. Even though she knew it wouldn't be long, waiting for the call to come was longer, she wanted time to pass faster, so she decided to turn on the office radio. Even jazz on the radio would be more interesting than any conversation Hawk is having right now, she thought to herself.
Walking towards the radio, the conversation Hawk is having was more clear for Lucy to hear. She heard his fiance’s voice on the phone. It wasn’t a conversation for State, it was about someone Hawk knew.
“Yes, his days in Fort Dix are ending in a couple of weeks. Can you arrange anything before that? You know it is easier to do these things before.” he chuckled, hoping he could hide the worry in his voice well enough. This time it wasn’t a stranger on the phone.
“So you got yourself your own Private Shine, huh?” his old “pal” Andy asked.
“Well-” He could have lied but what was the point? “At least this one is not useless like he is. He is skilled in language- I was thinking the Montery-”
“Hawk, it’s already hard to do what you are asking from me for this- Private Laughlin. So no promises. I will do my best, just tell me his aptitudes.”
“Writes nicely. Clever. Actually invested in anti-communism case. To be honest, more suited at my job than I am probably.” He tries to make a joke for himself but it doesn't work to cheer him up.
“Tender” Hawk adds, hears approval noises from the end of the line. “Most importantly, Mr. Tim Laughlin is a delight to look at. Would be a wonderful boy Friday to some major general.”
Sornell laughed, “I see. Still like tender types, then?”
Hawk waited in silence for him to make more than a slight comment, which made him realize how much he wanted to talk about Skippy to someone. Anyone. Since now, Mary and Marcus did refuse to talk to him about Tim after seeing the engagement announcement in the papers.
“I will try my best to put him somewhere where he will be behind a desk or something. To keep him safe. That’s what you want, right Fuller?
Hawk sighed in agreement. “Yeah that would be great Andy. Owe it to you for this time.”
“Well, you know what I like, Fuller. You know what I like. Give me a couple of days and take care."
“You too, Andy. Thanks.”
Hanging up the phone made Hawk realize how quiet it was in the office, no tapewriter, no radio, no chatting. Not to make Lucy wait more than she should, he gathered his things without thinking about the conversation he just had with one of his old “lovers” about his newest-old lover and now on he was on his way to his current but the fakest lover, to his future wife.
Hawk found Lucy sitting on the chair at Mary’s table facing the exit door, where he made her wait for a while now to have this conversation. “Ready when you are, sweetheart!”
Lucy turned her face to the man she thought she had known since she was child and saw the look she saw in only a couple of men she had seen. Forbidden yearning, now she was able to name the look. But her mother thought her better than to be dramatic so she let it slide, hoping she was mistaken or will never see that look in his future husband’s eyes. She stood up from the chair and turned over her heels and accepted Hawk’s arms.
“Let’s not make my mom wait longer dear.”
Hawkins Fuller spent the dinner with his finance and her mother trying not to think about that adorable boy called Timothy David Laughlin without knowing he wasn't the only person who wasn't trying to think about the same man. Because on the same table, Lucy Smith was also thinking about Private Laughlin, the name she heard her fiance had a hard time uttering on the phone.
9 June 1956, Fort Polk, USA
“Are you willing to give this love to God as a gift?”
Father Lawrenece’s voice echoed in his mind when he was looking at the empty letter page.
“I can try”
This was him trying. Tim tried to convince himself to think the reason why he enlisted was not solely to get away from Hawkins Fuller. He also enlisted because politics showed him no politician was who they said they were, and all of them including his idol McCarty was corrupted. He wanted to bring good in this world and if he cannot do this by giving his love to Hawk or his life to politics maybe he could try giving his body to the army. That was what he has been saying to himself for the past one and a half years. This was him making the world a better place than yesterday.
But his world didn't change that much in this time. He still had spent his everyday loving, thinking and dreaming of Hawkins Fuller. Despite everything he has ever done to him. Until he found himself in a confession booth at the local church he had been avoiding since he came to Louisiana. He didn’t come to confession with perfect contrition, he was aware- but he had to do something. He couldn’t let himself waste two years of his life in the army and not get over him. So he was desperate to try everything and anything.
Tim expected Father Lawrence to ask him to show guilt, which he couldn't. It would have been too much. But instead he asked the best gift ever given to Tim, his love for Hawk, to give it back to god as a gift. Not as something to be shameful. As something beautiful and holy. Something worthy for God. And that was something Tim could do, or at least try.
Tim needed to give himself to Hawk, make him see him, his love for him one more time, before he offers this to God. He needed to write this, to let Hawk know he is searching for a higher purpose.
“I am willing. I wanted to stop. I have stopped.” Tim murmured to himself to find the courage to write the words on the paper.
Dear Hawk,
I went into the army to get away from you. I thought time and distance would help. But it hasn’t. Hawk, I still love you. But I’m hoping to find something else. Maybe a deeper faith someday… to take your place.
Yours,
Tim.
He read it three times.Again, and again and again. Closed his eyes, said His name three times. The name he didn’t have the courage to say it out loud in one and a half years.
His love was beautiful. Pure. Worthy for God himself. Maybe for the first time since he decided to write the letter and write the words that he knew he would write word for word, he felt hopeful about finding something else. Maybe not deeper, but something. And his gift was ready because he was ready.
He wrote the name he said three times on the envelope and after waiting a bit longer than the ink would dry on the paper, he took the letter and folded carefully, and put it into the envelope.
Tim looked up to the table clock he had on his little desk. 3:52 pm.
He took the bag full of enough clothes for a week that he prepared the night before, and put the envelope containing his gift to God in his uniform’s inner pocket over his heart.A bus ride and a short walk, he arrived at the main bus station nearly at 4:47 pm. Walk up to the clerk and he said “One bus ticket to Washington D.C. at 6 pm.”
11 June 1956, Washington D.C., USA
Convincing Hawk into leaving his downtown apartman was a hustle, but this time she made a clear case to him after their last discussion.
“I get that it is a convenient house for you but- You came to this house more often when we weren’t married, Hawk. You came to see my father way more often than I see you come to your house for dinner.”
Maybe it was hearing the comparison to his bachelor life, but it didn't matter, it worked, he was convinced. Of course, Lucy offered to take care of the move out. She didn’t have so many things to do since all of her friends were off to Europe. It sometimes felt like a mistake to become the first one to marry from her friend group. Most of the time she felt guilty feeling this, especially after how much Hawk helped her find her strength again after her father’s passing.
Hawk had become the head of the house for everyone, even for Leonard. He let Hawk take care of everything. The will, the house, the wedding and even Leonard’s own condition. This time willingly. But at least Lucy was happy Hawk wasn’t as judgemental as his father was towards Leonard. Hawk took him somewhere else for half a year. He didn’t mention where, and Lucy didn’t ask. If it was now maybe she would have a say in this but- at the time, she just couldn’t. She was blaming his brother for his father's choice. How can she not?
It was the time Hawk made his commitment to the house, to his marriage. Lucy will make sure of it.
She had prepared most of the things ready for movers, already in boxes. Only some drawers in the office space were waiting for her. She needed to bring some important boxes herself to the house today since the movers will gather most of the things on the weekend.
As Lucy found the paperweight she knew Hawk had since he was a teenager, a quick door knock distracted her. A knock? Who would knock a house that is not in use more than a year and a half? Hawk was only using this place as a quick napping place, an office. He hasn’t spent a night here for so long. All of his mail was arranged to go to their house.
Then she heard the sound of a paper slipping under the door. When she went to the door to check what it was, she saw it was an envelope. A quality one.
Hawk
It was written handsomely, which made Lucy uneasy. In order to see who might have slide this under, she checked the corridor but had no luck. She immediately rushed to the window to catch the glimpse of the person leaving the building.
On the street, a dark blue Ford was waiting, still engine running for the soldier who left the building. Just before getting into the car, he looks up with a look on his face that one more time Lucy recognizes. It was yearning on the soldier's face. A handsome private.
When their eyes met, she heard the sentence in her mind once-her-fiance had said over the phone before they went to dinner with her mother one time. “Most importantly, Mr. Tim Laughlin is a delight to look at.”
He was definitely a delight to look at. Can it be-
Even before the car left the very same street of the building, Lucy made her decision. This decision- this letter meant something. For the soldier, for Hawk and for her. For the life she was still trying to build. She opened the letter before letting herself have second thoughts.
It included a letter. The paper was of good quality as well, like the envelope itself.
Dear Hawk,
I went into the army to get away from you. I thought time and distance would help. But it hasn’t. Hawk, I still love you. But I’m hoping to find something else. Maybe a deeper faith someday… to take your place.
Yours,
Tim.
Lucy found herself sitting on the chair, crying. Shaking her head in disbelief as if her distress would make the words on the letter vanish. Or whatever past Hawk had with Tim Laughlin.
“I still love you.”
Whatever they had was obvious. No matter how long she tried to bend the words on the paper into just a bromance or an inspired young man scenario, she couldn’t bend the look she just saw on the soldier's face or the face she still remembers Hawk had when he left his office room all those years ago. They were yearning for something. Yearning for each other.
“What’s now?” Lucy thought to herself. What should one person do in the scenario? Who am I even in this scenario? The other woman? The wife? The idiot?
Lucy realized it wasn’t important who she was in the scenario. It was important who she will become to solve this mess. She thought of the two role models in her life, her mother and her father.
The overlooker and the problem solver.
Since her marriage, Lucy has had a tendency to act like her mother. Mainly because she was the one around, she was the one with female experience, she was the one with 30 years long marriage. Following her mother’s footsteps surely did help her manage her marriage with Hawk in the past year, but she couldn’t help noticing some stuff never feels managed for long term.
Lucy had to demand every single little thing from Hawk. His attention, his affection, his love, his touch. None of them were being offered to her by Hawk, it was always by demand. His friendship, his companionship, his respect on the other hand was intact and very easy to show. Lucy spent months convincing herself these traits of her husband were more important than any other sexual or romantic affection Hawk would give him.
“But I’m hoping to find something else. Maybe a deeper faith someday… to take your place.” And then here was Private Laughlin, who had Hawk’s friendship, his companionship, his respect alongside everything Lucy craved for and he was trying to find something else, because Hawk couldn’t belong to him anymore.
She considered her options. She could overlook it, like her mother would. Destroy the letter without Hawk even knowing its existence. Like the soldier said, he went to the army to get away from her husband, he was still in the army. Hawk chose Lucy and Mr. Laughlin left. If he never hears from Hawk about the letter, he would think Hawk is already over him, choosing his life with his wife. Nothing needs to change.
A life with honor, order. A life everyone told all her life that she deserves.
A life without desire.
“Strive for truth” her father wrote in his suicide letter. “ It is fear which rots the bones…”
Lucy was holding the truth in her hand and feeling the fear on her bones. Hawk chose to live a life he never wanted to, a life lacking truth which made their marriage set to rot from the beginning. She has been feelinging it. She has been managing.
At that moment, she realized she stopped being her father’s daughter. She started to follow the script written for her by society, by her mother, by Hawk. And so did Mr Laughlin. It was time to stop accepting whatever faith was throwing at her, or whatever Hawk was planning to keep his reputation clean.
If this letter becomes my suicide letter, let me wrote one first. she thought to herself. Deciding on facing Hawk’s true self, she put the letter on the envelope carefully. She respected the man who was living a very different life yet somehow shared the same faith as her that much. A life with yearning.
Even though her road was clear and decided, she needed some time to find the courage to finally become the person who decides on her life.
Lucy left Hawk’s apartment forgetting the important box she was supposed to bring to the house with her, while bringing the most important piece of paper of Hawkins Fuller’s life to the house he was sharing with his wife.
14 June 1956, Washington D.C. , USA
Lucy has spent the past couple days thinking and rereading the two most important letters she has ever read in her life. Mr Laughlin’s love letter to her husband, and her father’s suicide letter.
Before facing Hawk, she had one question she couldn't answer even though that was the only thing she could think of. Why? Why did Mr. Laughlin write this letter to her husband? He wasn’t asking Hawk to return to him. He was merely stating his feelings were still there. He wasn’t being disrespectful to Hawk, Lucy or their marriage, if you can call that that. There was no request, and if there were, the soldier wouldn't end up with a letter on Hawk’s old apartment, but would simply go to Hawk’s office. But he didn’t. Hawk’s action after the letter was not what Mr. Laughlin was interested in. He simply stated a fact, the fact that he still loves him, and that’s it. Lucy needs to know more about this person. She needs to see him, to understand how much he means to Hawk. Thank God, it wasn’t hard to find a soldier in DC.
The receptionist of the hotel went to bring the soldier. In a couple of minutes, a kind voice answered, “This is Tim Laughlin.”
“Yeah, this is Mrs. Fuller. Hawk’s wife. I believe you left a letter for my husband a couple of days ago.”
The silence was out of shock on Mr Laughlin’s part. “I-”
“You weren't expecting anyone other than Hawk to find the letter, I believe. Which would make sense, but unfortunately it was me in the house and I-” Lucy found it really hard to justify her doing. But then again she reminded herself, Mr Laughlin and her were in the same situation, two people whose lives were decided by Hawk's actions. There was no need for a lie.
“The curiosity got over me when I saw a soldier leaving a letter to my husband’s old apartment and I might have done something I am not proud of. I know the letter was not meant to be read by me.”
She knows , Tim thought. She knows about Hawk, she knows about him and his love for Hawk. “I’m sorry. I didn't send the letter to Hawk to do anything, Mrs. Fuller.”
“That’s why I wanted to talk to you before doing what I’m going to do, Mr Laughlin. Why? Why did you?”
“It wasn’t about him.” Tim tried to explain. “When I send that letter, my purpose was not shaking you marriage or-”
“You did not-”
“I just did what I needed to do for myself. I needed to accept the situation and not run from it anymore. I needed to prove it to myself- Put it out there that I need to look for something else.”
“To replace him”. Lucy added, quoting the letter.
A moment passed, and Lucy heard Mr. Laughlin’s lucid voice. “Yes. So whatever you are planning to do- It’s not worth it. Hawk made his decision a long time ago. And this is me deciding- I am tired of trying to get over him, so I am letting him go.”
“So am I.” Lucy finally said what her intentions were out loud, irrevocably. What she would do with the letter, using it to leave Hawk.
Sincerely, Tim said, “Mrs Fuller, I respect your union with Hawk- I would never-”
“I do not intend Hawk’s decisions to change my life anymore or stay in the middle of a storm doing nothing and hopping nothing will hit me, Mr. Laughlin.” Lucy started to explain. “I have done that for a while, and it led me to a lonely life.” It led me to this phone conversation, she wanted to add. But she preferred to keep this conversation civil and positive for both of their future’s sake.
Tim never thought he would have a phone conversation with Lucy Fuller, let alone hearing something from her that made him understand his situation better. He had thought Lucy Smith and him are the two opposites of Hawk’s life where he tried to navigate in between until Hawk said he was going to marry her. Back then it made him feel like it would kill him if Hawk would marry her, and now here he is talking to her about his love for Hawk and how much she lacks it while having Hawk completely or as much as a person can own Hawkins Fuller.
Lucy continued. “ I have decided to show Hawk your letter- whatever he decides to do I will have no say in it. But I know what I will do.” Tim looked for cruelty in her voice, but there was none, she was just saying facts. “If you want to have a say in your future for the first time- be at my family house at 6 pm on Saturday, Mr. Laughlin. I’m sure you can figure out where it is.”
Without an answer to occur, Lucy Fuller hung up the phone, leaving the choice to the soldier himself. For the first time in a long time, Lucy felt like herself.
16 June 1956, Washington D.C. , USA
Hawk was spending the afternoon in his office, more like the Senator's office. It felt strange to own up to things around this house. He practically grew up here, he had no problem calling this place home, it was easier to call this one home than the house he was supposed to grow up in with his actual parents. But it wasn’t the family home he thought he would build for himself. There had been one other thing he called home, but that wasn't a place but a person.
No matter what, he was now trying to create space for his belongings from old apartment to arrive in a couple of hours. Lucy made him give up on his apartment since it became harder and harder to find excuses to keep it. She spent more than a week preparing the house for movers. Today would have been a bit faster if Lucy didn't forget to bring some essentials from his apartment on Thursday, but there was no need to create a discussion over it. Which seemed Lucy was capable of creating over anything these days and using it to bring out topics Hawk is trying to avoid. Now he could just sit at his desk and organize here a bit.
His marriage wasn't what he imagined it would be, mainly because he did not imagine himself to be in one to begin with. This was only one person’s dream, his father’s. Hawk was trying not to think so much about the fact that he was living the life his father wanted for him, a wife, honorable life, probably children in the future. Heirs to Fuller name.
Was he regretting his decision? I wouldn’t say so. He said to himself, actually believing. It wasn’t a thoughtless act, after he decided to kiss Lucy on that terrace, he knew he did the right thing. The thing he was supposed to do, he was expected to do. Securing a nice life for Lucy, keeping his untold promise to Senator Smith. Hawk had done what he was supposed to do all his life, he wasn't gonna start regretting it now.
Familiar sound of Lucy’s steps came to his doorstep. A small knock was heard on the office door.
“Come in, Luce.”
His wife came into the room, looking around as if it is the first time she is seeing here while Hawk’s in it. Hawk thought it was the win she had over the apartment was shining over her face. “What can I do for you Luce, is it about the movers?”
“Oh, no nothing like that.” his wife stated after giving a bit of a long pause. “I was just thinking about the old days we had in this house. You know-” Lucy was staring at Hawk's eyes directly. “When we were teenagers.”
“Huh.” That was the only expression Hawk was able to give before knowing where this is gonna go.
“I found your old tennis rackets in your apartment the other day and it reminded me- I was wondering what happened to that boy you and Leonard brought, Kenny? You and him were so close.” Lucy asked without blinking. The last sentence wasn’t a question but a statement.
Hawk was dumbfounded not by the question or the mention of Kenny- but the way Lucy brought the topic. He couldn’t stop himself thinking that this was going to be a life changing conversation. “We weren’t-” Hawk tried to answer. “Last time I heard he went to war like I did but he was dead over the Pacific, unfortunately.”
“Huh.” The answer made Lucy take her eyes away from him and to the window. The answer wasn't what she was expecting. Hawk didn’t want Lucy to continue the conversation or have somewhat of an upper hand on this ridiculous conversation.
“Where does this come from, Luce. I don’t-”
“He was such a sweet boy. He was always so nice to me. When you and Lenny was picking on me, he was always there to-
“Lucy!” Hawk was determined to not let Lucy continue doing these mind tricks all over again that she has been doing whole during their marriage to convince Hawk to do something.
On the other hand, Lucy was unaffected by Hawk’s reaction, she moved closer to his desk and said “This letter was left at your apartment the other day” She paused a second. “By a soldier.” She was holding out an envelope that he didn't realize she was holding till now. He looked at the envelope first and then back to his wife. A soldier? The thought made his heart skip a beat.
“I believe his name is Tim Laughlin.” She added while leaving the envelope on his desk and moving to the chair close to Hawk’s desk. His body jumped out of the chair without his will when he heard his name.
She wanted to see Hawk. His reaction when he heard the soldier’s name, when he read the letter, after the read the whole thing. She needed to understand.
It was very obvious from Mr. Laughlin’s feelings over the letter and even from his voice she heard in the brief phone conversation she had with him. He was sincere and truthful, two things Hawk never was towards Lucy. So now, she was going to witness the first ever sincere and truthful reaction from Hawk.
Hawk couldn't believe his wife uttering the name of the man who his heart belongs to. All of the things she just said, the letter she put in front of him- What does all of these mean? He thought just a second ago, he was about to take the power of this conversation and now he was standing with terror on his face. Terror of not being the person who knows everything about the situation he was in. These moments were rare, mainly because Hawk didn't let them happen. His eyes left his wife and moved to the letter on the desk.
Hawk
There was no way Hawk wouldn’t recognize that handwriting. Beautiful and neat. It’s really him. His boy wrote to him.
He opened the envelope instantly, as if he had seconds left to live and it was the only thing that might save his life. When he held the letter, he looked up to his wife for a second as if he was not believing what he was holding. His eyes went back to the most precious thing Hawk ever held in his life. His eyes were fast on the letter.
Dear Hawk,
I went into the army to get away from you. I thought time and distance would help. But it hasn’t. Hawk, I still love you. But I’m hoping to find something else. Maybe a deeper faith someday… to take your place.
Yours,
Tim.
Hawk read the letter three times before slowly collapsing on the chair. His Skippy spent almost two years in the army and he was not able to stop missing Hawk. As he didn’t either. He found himself thinking of that adorable boy everyday. He wasn’t imagining what-if scenarios or happily ever afters, but he was simply missing the mutual desire that they shared for one another. Desire to be in a joyful company. Desire to make eachother a better person. That was what he missed the most: his nice, decent and pure boy. His boy who tried to make the world a better place by working in politics and then joining the army. He was so rare, so singular.
At that moment he realized he was not alone in his office. He was standing in his wife’s present. There was no way that he was able to hide his emotions while reading that letter so now she must know. Wait-
She has read the letter. There is no indication who the letter is from on the envelope. She must have seen the person who signed it. She said “Tim Laughlin.”
This realization made Hawk stand on his feet again, looking at his wife. “Did you open my mail?”
“Yes.”
He was furious, not to Lucy to his surprise but to the fact that he was not the one in the apartment when Tim was there. He missed him, He was in D.C. and Hawk missed him. His eyes went back to the letter he was holding. “He was in D.C.” he said to himself. It was impossible not to hear the desire and hope in his voice.
“He is in D.C.” Lucy added as a fact. She had just watched her husband have more real emotions than she had seen in her entire life of knowing him in under a minute. She thought watching him would be hard but it was simple because it made her happy with the decision she made.
“He was at my apartment.” Now Hawk was calling her out. He watched her calmness, it was aggravating. No, she still had the “I have the upper hand here” face. It was not cruel but it was like silence before the storm. A storm Hawk felt like he was left in the middle of it.
Lucy didn’t let her husband's feelings, the feelings she now understands she will never be the recipient of, go through her. She didn't know what to say or if the things she was going to say were right or wrong.
The doorbell came and ended the deafen silence in the room. Lucy looked at the clock on the wall, and then at Hawk. Hawk’s eyes followed his wife’s movements. “Just on time.” she said with a bit of annoyance and left the office room closing the door behind her, leaving Hawk alone.
He watched the door thinking how Lucy was able to care about some movers more than what was happening in his office right now. But he realized he didn’t care. When there was only one thought in his mind, he couldn't care.
“He is in DC” Hawk remembered his wife’s words. He is here, I can still reach him. He said to himself and before even his thought was finished he gathered a pen and paper to write.
Dear Tim,
He stopped for a second thinking what he would say to Tim while listening to Lucy’s and the mover’s footsteps and distant chatter.
I know I am breaking my promise by writing this, but the time and distance did not help me either. I have tried to respect you and keep myself finding ways to get back into your life- and it was one of the hardest things I have done.
What could he offer to Tim right now? A love life, a mistress’s life? How was anything even possible when Lucy knew everything? There was no future for them, what was the point of writing to him right now?
The more Hawk thought, the more he realized anything they did to stay away from each other has been pointless as well. Nothing worked: Tim enlisting to the army, Hawk getting married, them living the life their parents would wish their children would. Nothing worked. “I’m hoping to find something else.” and they have failed. They both spend the last years yearning for each other every day.
He continued to write, I do not have anything to say other than anything I’ve tried worked either and I-
Hawk’s office door was opened without a knock, his wife calmly showed herself, “I believe you are needed in the living room Hawk.”
Hawk couldn't care less about any problem the movers were having right now. He desperately uttered “Honey I-”
Lucy knew he was trying to create an excuse to continue his writing, but she also knew it was pointless especially when the receiver of the letter was waiting in their living room. “Mr. Laughlin is waiting for us in the living room. It is high time for us to have a chat, I believe. Three of us.”
She left the office one more time leaving Hawk speechless, this time leaving the door open for him to follow her. To follow his wife to the living room where his boy was waiting for him.
Hawk put down the pen as he watched his wife walk to the living room. He didn’t know what to do except to follow her. Can he be really here? In this house. He was not able to believe Tim was in D.C. a couple of minutes ago and now he was about to breathe the same air as him again.
And then here he was. The man he loves, standing in front of him again. He didn’t think he would exist in his presence again but here they were, in the same room. The terror and yearning both existed in their eyes. Seeing his blue eyes made him realize how impossible everything was. His eyes left the other man’s face and moved to the floor and then to the door. “I’m sorry Mrs. Fuller, I should have not come.” he said.
“No, I am very glad that you are here actually.” Lucy said genuinely. Hawk was able to hear people in the room talking but he was not able to comprehend. He was only able to consume Tim’s existence in that moment, anything more was too much. He watched his boy. Tim was older, the way he carried himself was so different than Hawk remembered. The soldier-look only added charisma to Tim’s beauty and kind face.
Lucy continued to talk and then Hawk was able to look at and listen to anything Lucy said. “When I was a child, I thought I would marry for love. Then I grew up and realized that is not possible for everyone, so I imagined myself marrying rich.” This information was new to only one of the men in the room who happened to listen and watch everything she says and does. Lucy was proud of herself, she made these men come together after years of yearning and made them listen to her.
“And at the end, I settled for you.” Now Lucy was turned to Hawk. “Because I let you make me believe that the first one might exist for me with you. You married me.” She was accusing Hawk now for the situation that they were in. “Is this even what you have wanted?”
Hawk had no idea how to answer. There was only one other person in the world who knew his dreams and desires and that person was the dream and the desire itself and that person was in this room with him and his wife. The answer came from the other man. “No, it’s not.”
“It’s not what he wanted for himself. Or you-” Tim stopped himself from continuing any longer. He couldn't meet his eyes with his lover’s. He said too many in the presence of these two people who were bounded by higher than himself, higher than the love he had for Hawkins. By God. He did not come here to destroy their marriage and he intended to make them know this. “I didn’t come here- or write that letter-'' Tim looked directly at Hawk when he mentioned the letter. Hawk didn’t have terror on his face, just yearning, Tim was sure he would see the same if they were in front of a mirror. “My intent was never to create a problem between you two. It was a way for me to fix the things between me and God. I wrote that letter so that I can give myself to God. I have no expectations. Or regrets”
Hawk on the other hand, had plenty of them both. Both expectations and regrets. He wasn’t able to move until now but now he wanted to hold the face he knew so well, the face he kissed millions of times so he took a step forward then his wife’s presence stopped him. “I-” Hawk tried to add something to the conversation but he couldn’t find words. This was the second most time he felt powerless.
“Mr. Laughlin, believe me when I say this, you and your letter could be the first ever real thing that happened to our marriage. I was in a contest that I didn’t even know existed until you. A contest that I would never win.” Lucy said.
“It’s not a contest.” Tim answered, shaking his head in disbelief.
With a small smirk, Lucy said, “Of course it is.”
There was no reason to try to convince her, Tim thought. So he let her win the contest she believed they were in. “My time with Hawk was rushed and limited. You had him most of his life. He chose you.”
“But you were always there. Or his feelings for you were always there, clear as a sunny day, on his face. It is there.” She turned to watch Hawk’s face, hoping “the look” was on his face. It was.
Hawk was watching this conversation as if Tim was the only one who had anything to add valuable, fixated on his face forgetting his wife. “Look at him.” she ordered Tim.
Tim let himself just look. Look at him maybe the one last time with zero curtains over his eyes, without anything to hold up. Hawk had been missing him as much as he missed him. He needed him as much as he needed him as well.
Finally Hawk acknowledged his wife’s presence and power over the room and let his eyes look at something other than the most beautiful person he has ever seen in his life and turned to his wife. He opened his mouth to tell a lie, just another lie to tell to his wife, like he has been lying his whole life. He wanted to say he didn't share the soldier's feelings, he wanted to say he would choose her over him again and again.
But he couldn't. His boy’s presence was a more functional lie detector machine than the real one. He couldn't dare to lie about his feelings even to his wife when Skippy was in the same room as them. All he could was to move to Lucy and hold her hands and look at her eyes, hoping she would have the courage to do the right thing. The courage that left Hawk’s body when he saw Tim in his living room.
Seeing them together as a union was too much for Tim and he already knew there was no point in letting Lucy do something she will definitely regret in a couple of years. So Tim made himself move to the door, passing the couple. He left a deep breath when he felt a hand on his arm holding him and kept him in place. He didn’t need to look back and check who the hand belonged to, he knew his touch by memory by now. “Don’t go.” Hawk finally said. This was the first ever sentence he was able to say.
Tim found the carriage to look back at Hawk’s eyes and said “It’s the right thing to do, Hawk. You know it.”
It was time for Lucy to take power of the room again, since these men were too coward to realize the right thing to do is to be truthful to themselves. “I have spent my life ignoring my problems, overlooking them.” Lucy easily was able to get away from Hawk and her movement made two men turn to her, making them stop having physical contact. Lucy continued, “Everyday has been getting by. That’s it. That’s my life.”
She was looking at Hawk directly and Hawk couldn't take it anymore, hearing Lucy saying things he knew she didn't believe. “Luce, whatever you want- Whatever you say- We can fix this.”
“Hawk, there is nothing to fix.” She said, not curelly. “It’s him you want. I can see it now. And he wants you too.”
“What about our life? Our future? You are gonna throw everything we tried to build away? ” Hawk kept asking.
No matter how hurtful to hear those questions, Tim knew they needed to be asked.
“So what, you want me to ignore this?” She was pointing at Tim. “As if we could never be free of him. Can we?” It was a rhetorical question.
“I may not understand this.” Now Lucy was pointing at the space between them. “This” was something between Tim and Hawk, not just Tim. Hawk was part of the problem too. Tim was not able to look at Lucy’s eyes. Not because he was ashamed but because she was doing something he nor Hawk had courage to do. Choosing herself. He looked at Hawk then his eyes rested on Lucy.
“My mother taught me to close my eyes to things I don’t wanna see. And God forgive, I did not want to see this.” She was closing her eyes as she was saying these things. And then she looked right through Hawk and said. “But I am my father’s daughter, the one that strives for truth” Now she turned to Tim this time, “and for the right thing.
“So no Hawk, I will not ignore the truth. And the truth is that you do feel desire for him, not me.”
Feeling defeated by his wife, Hawk whispered “It’s not like we have a choice.” His eyes met his wife’s. He saw compassion in those eyes.
Lucy still cared for Hawk, he was one of the people who knew her all her life. She wanted to show him that she was not doing that to hurt him or punish him but to release both of them from the burden and the inevitable before it's too late. She came close to the men and stopped in front of her husband. “Hawk, I have lived my whole marriage not knowing what it's like to be desired. Do you have any idea how lonely that's been? I cannot imagine how lonely it must have been for you when you knew,” Her eyes moved to the soldier, “ he was there, loving you.”
She exhaled a long breath and looked back at her husband. She cupped his handsome face. “You always have a choice, Hawk. And so do I, and this is me choosing myself. I hope you two can do that as well.” Her words were so powerful that both of the men had a fire ignited in them, a small hope for their future. She could see in Hawk’s eyes, he believed her and most importantly he wanted to believe her.
She smiled briefly and let her husband’s face. When she looked at Mr. Laughlin’s face, she saw tears running on his face. She thought he is a delight to look at indeed , without jealousy and a compliment this time.
When she was leaving the room and eventually the house, she talked to her husband as a married couple one last time. She said these without looking at the couple standing one feet apart in the living room, “I’m going to the country side for the next week, I want you gone next Sunday, Hawk.” She took a couple of more steps and said “Goodbye.
Two men were alone for the first time since they left that tower two years ago. In those two years many things changed, one’s marital status, one’s occupation, their goals and ideals. There was one thing that hadn’t changed, how much they needed each other in their life.
Tim slowly turned to Hawk, not comprehending what just happened, you could see million questions behind those eyes but also you could see hope. Hawk watched his wife leaving the house that they shared for almost two years and then turned to the man standing beside him, looking at him with the most dovey eyes.
“I don’t know what just happened” Hawk with sincerity. He was actually shocked. His body moved without him realizing and he found himself collapsing on Tim’s arm.
“Come here.” Hawk heard while Tim started to hug him. Oh, he missed his embrace so much. “I think you just got dumped, Hawk.”
Tim found himself chuckled while his face sinked Hawk’s neck. He felt Hawk’s hug getting tighter as he also started to chuckle, He was chuckling not to Tim’s joke but the fact that he was able to hold him this close again. His smell finding his way to Hawk’s nose was a privilege he thought he would never get again. “I still don’t know what this means for us, Skippy, but I think we-”
Hawk wanted to see the face of the man he was in love with when he was about to be hopeful. But now Tim’s eyes were full of worry when Hawk moved a bit to see face to face and Tim asked “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Hawk chuckled. I think this is the first time I’m feeling okay since you have left. Hawk thought. “Skippy, I know I hurt you and even being in your life hurt you. But not being in your life-” He shaked his. He added, “It hurts more. And I am not sure- how, but.” He took a second and decided, “I will wait for you this time.”
Tim’s eyes were filled with tears and started to roll down on his face when he started to laugh. He looked at the floor first and then looked at his love’s eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked.
“I am not sure of anything anymore, Skippy.” Hawk moved close to Tim, their noses were touching now. “But I know I’m home now.” and finally their lips found their way to each other.
The future was never this unclear but at least this time, it was a future together. A future belonged to them in a world that was becoming freer everyday.