Archive of Our Own

“Sir, with all respect …. it was one big chaos. People were running away and this child was just sitting there completely lethargic, no one came for him and the rebels were getting closer. It was my decision to take him.”

Jason knows what was their mission. Get the four Americans and leave. Thanks to Jason’s decision to go back for the child, they were forced to fight with the rebels and one of the missionaries died. It sounded easy. A village in Libya, four missionaries and approaching rebels who go from village to village slaughtering everyone they find. 

Blackburn runs a thumb across his eyebrows and sighs.

“So you left that village with the missionaries and then you went back because you wanted to make sure someone took care of the child?”

Jason nods, he knows how it sounds. He almost got them killed by running back, but 13 hours ago he needed to make sure the little kid isn’t sitting there abandoned. When he spotted the grimmy boy still sitting on the dusty road with his leaning against a wall of a little church … Jason simply snatched him and started running back to his team. The child didn’t react, for a while Jason wasn’t sure he is still alive until a frail hand slapped his cheek and the boy tried to squirm out of his hold. Jason kept running until he reached their helicopter and didn’t know that a few rebels are following him until they started shooting.

Now he knows the child is alive with doctors taking care of him. They had to sedate him for their flight home, Jason insisted on taking him home with them to make sure the child doesn’t get lost again. Everyone is trying to find out his name and who are his parents, he doesn’t speak, Davis said he only screams when he is awake.

Blackburn rubs his forehead. He knows he would do the same thing as Hayes. They sit in silence for a while until the phone on Blackburn’s desk starts ringing. He impatiently picks it up and Jason watches how his face becomes pale. He ends the call and gulps before looking at Jason: “We have results of the DNA test. He matches with Ash Spenser.”

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Ash Spencer. Everyone knows this name. Ash Spencer was a SEAL before his wife died and before he sent his only child to be with his dead wife’s parents. Eight months ago Ash’s downfall began. When rebels raided the village where his parents-in-law lived and killed everyone, Ash started drinking, heavily. He was drinking so much that he was discharged, but it only made him crazier. He appeared in the TV, he gave interviews and spoke about every secret he knew. Six months ago Ash was found dead in a hotel room. Some people say it was a suicide, that his son’s death broke him and he killed himself and some people say that FBI or CIA killed him.

Jason can’t believe it. He refuses to believed that Clay Spencer, a four years old boy survived for 8 months on his own, in Libya. Blackburn orders to do the DNA test again, but it is useless. This half feral child is Clay Spenser.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

The hospital is eerily silent. It is too late, there are no visitors, only nurses and doctors soundlessly move from one room to another. Jason and Blackburn have new orders - no one can know that Clay Spenser is alive. There are too many angry people thanks to his dad, some of them could hurt him so it’s better if Clay Spenser stays dead. 

Jason heard from Davis that his hair was literally crawling with lice so he isn’t surprised by the boy’s new short haircut. He is sleeping, his doctor said he is too violent to not be sedated. He is malnourished, they got rid of lice, treated his broken ankle and broken arm, but there isn’t much else to do than hoping that antibiotics work and he doesn’t develop an infection from the numerous open wounds on his body.

Blackburn wants to get Clay out of the hospital as soon as possible before people start asking questions. His solution is easy, Jason will take care of Clay until he gets better. The only hitch is that Jason lives with Sonny and Brock. They are not SEAL members anymore, both left with an honorable discharge and with amputated leg - Sonny’s case - and PTSD - Brock’s case. 

Clay still needs to stay in the hospital for at least three days and Jason’s housemates are probably wondering where is Jason so he calls them and tells them to meet him at the hospital. Jason and Blackburn explain their situation. Brock looks like he doesn’t really care, he doesn’t like kids and people in general while Sonny is thrilled. He is quite lonely, Brock and Cerberus are a team, they spend time together, often go for long walks in the forests around their house and leave Sonny alone. Brock frowns because Sonny’s enthusiasm isn’t a normal reaction to a child being forced in your care. On top of that, a seriously ill and battered child. He waits until Sonny runs away to buy something from the small gift shop and only then he turns to Jason.

“Jason, Clay is a child, not a pet for Sonny’s depression.”

Jason shrugs. What else can they do? They are supposed to take care of Clay and Jason has a feeling they are the best for this mission because who else could understand Clay’s trauma as well as SEAL warriors?

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Ray left dozens of boxes full of clothes and toys his kids don’t use anymore at their house and Jason is the only one who unpacks them because Brock is somewhere with Cerberus and Sonny spends every minute with Clay. He doesn’t mind that the boy is still heavily sedated, he understands the child must be scared out of his mind. Jason brings some clothes and toys in an unused room and cleans the room before putting together the crib. He knows that Clay is almost 5, but hell, he is tiny and the last thing Jason wants is Clay getting hurt even more.

Three days pass rather quickly and today they are taking Clay home. Sonny carefully listens to the doctors and nurses, he makes hundreds of notes and soon they are getting Clay. He is half asleep, wrapped in a fleece blanket, with a thin cotton hat covering his hair because he scratched the sores left by lice until they started bleeding again. Sonny carefully cradles him in his arms and Jason is driving while Brock stares out of the car.

Their house isn’t something fancy or too big. It is an older two story house with a wraparound porch and huge garden. It also stands a bit away from other house, not like they have many visitors. Cerberus is already waiting for them and Sonny immediately heads in Clay’s room to settle him in the crib. Brock heads in his room while the dog sits down in the hallway. The door leading in Clay’s room is open and Cerb is closely observing Sonny and the new pack member. He hesitantly comes closer to the crib just in time to witness Sonny’s clumsy diaper change. At least Clay is still asleep, oblivious to everything happening around him. The dog is very sensitive. He sniffles Clay before whining a bit. Cerberus and Sonny look at each other.

“Yeah, you are going to be busy.” 

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Clay wakes up 3 hours later with a terrible screaming and crying. He can’t move much, the doctors recommended they should try swaddling him to prevent violent attacks instead of sedatives. Like this they should be able to make Clay listen to them instead of drugging him. Sonny picks up the screaming bundle and sighs. Clay’s face is red from exertion while he squirms in Sonny’s arms. The moon boot on his broken ankle and the fact he suffers from explosive diarrhea aren’t making his fight easier. Sonny has a long list of things Clay can’t handle, not yet. He has parasites and the medicine causes he is a mess all the time. Sonny is a SEAL, he has seen worse things, but this is a child, a small child who has suffered so much. He steps in the shower to wash Clay’s bottom and then lays the squirming boy on the wide bed next to the crib. It is hard to put on a small diaper, it is even harder when the target is squirming so much. Sonny sighs and finally closes the small sticky tapes. 

Clay is too tired to fight, he allows Sonny to pick him up. Sonny thinks they should eat something. Jason cooked chicken breasts with a bit of mashed potatoes, it should be safe for Clay. Another problem comes almost immediately when Clay refuses to open his mouth. Sonny is pretending the spoon made out of soft silicon is a plane, then that it is a train, but nothing works until he puts it down and places the plate on the tray of the highchair. Clay immediately puts his little hand in the small pile of mashed potatoes and Sonny laughs. A victory, finally he is winning a battle. Yeah, he will need to bath Clay and wipe the floor and highchair, but hey, he is eating!

After lunch, Sonny turned on the TV and Clay found himself sitting on a carpet with Sonny next to him. He isn’t sure that Clay is watching the TV, they aren’t sure he understands English, but at least he doesn’t cry. Cerberus is slowly crawling closer to Clay until his snout is only inches away from touching Clay’s thigh. The boy looks at the dog, but doesn’t move. He turns his tired eyes back to the TV screen before slowly collapsing on his back. Sonny panics for a moment before calming down because Clay is fine, he is just tired. He goes to get another diaper and Cerberus crawls closer so now his head is resting on his front paws right next to Clay’s tummy. They are looking at each other, both ignore Sonny who changes Clay’s diaper and swaps Clay’s thumb for a pacifier. The doctors think that Clay sucks on his thumb to soothe himself and it is probably one of the reasons why so many parasites live in his bowels. For now, everything what brings peace to Clay is going to be worshiped in this household.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Their first day with Clay is slow and full of tears. The good thing is he isn’t so violent anymore. Maybe that changing the environment helped. Their house is silent and peaceful, no more doctors and nurses probing him, only Sonny and occasionally Jason touch him. Clay ate an early dinner, Sonny bathed him - it shows up that Clay loves having a bath - and now the three men and Clay sit on the porch. Sonny and Jason drink beer, Brock has a glass of ice tea and Clay is gripping a bottle full of high-calorie formula. Most of his teeth are gone, at least bitting on the rubber nipple looks soothing to his hurting gums. Visiting a dentist. Another thing on the long list of unpleasant things. Sonny refuses to be worried, not now when Clay looks almost serene in his arms. Sonny supports the bottle in Clay’s weak grip and tips it a bit so he can finish the rest. Brock is watching them with doubts. Jason isn’t ready to be around kids when his own kids live with his sister-in-law. Also, he could be deployed anytime. Brock might not think this is a good idea, but an order is an order, it doesn’t feel different even now when he is not a SEAL anymore. And Cerberus looks like he is in love with the boy. His head is resting on Sonny’s remaining knee and he watches how the man pulls the thin hat off to let the sore spots in Clay’s hair breath. Cerberus doesn’t move when Brock goes inside, he stays until Sonny gets up with sleeping Clay in his arms. He follows them in the room, waits until Sonny changes his diaper and tucks him in the crib and then he lies down on the floor right in front of the crib. Sonny pats his head and Cerberus sprawls on the carpet while listening to soft snoring coming from the crib.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Jason is sent away only 4 days later and he does something unusual, he hesitates. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels anxious, it is a new thing, but then he looks at Clay who is sitting on the couch with Sonny showing him picture word cards. Clay still doesn’t speak, he only screams, whimpers or cries and Jason realizes he doesn’t want to miss his first word. Damn, but why? He missed the first steps and first words of his kids so why is Clay so special? Because he survived in a war zone on his own? Maybe. Maybe that Clay is a warrior just like them.

Sonny is quite excited about going out with Clay for the first time. They need to do grocery shopping so Costco seems like a good start. They arrive early, they will finish buying everything they need, go home so Clay can take a nap while they cook lunch. Yeah, THEY. Sonny has no idea why did Brock joined them, but it’s nice. Sonny gets Clay out of his carseat and sits him down in the little seat in their shopping cart. Clay’s legs dangle in the air and Sonny reaches one hand to support the too heavy foot with the moon boot on it. Clay is completely still in the seat and they aren’t sure if it is a good thing or not. They slowly move and fill both carts with food. They probably get carried away because the carts are soon overflowing. On the other hand, three men who often work out? They need tons of food. Brock goes to get meat, Jason is coming back tomorrow so they are going to grill some meat. Sonny is proudly watching Clay and knows Jason will be blown away because of the progress they did during the last four weeks. Clay still doesn’t speak, but he gained some weight, the bruises and wounds on his body are fading and his hair is growing back, his sleep is better so the ugly dark circles around his eyes are gone. Clay simply looks like a completely new boy.

After a long time Sonny and Brocks are putting bags in the trunk of Sonny’s jeep while Clay is sucking on a cherry lollipop and cuddles with his new friend - a stuffed monkey with long limbs and cheeky grin plastered on his face. Sonny immediately names the monkey, it’s Paul and Clay doesn’t protest so he must be cool with it. Cerberus is happy they are back and runs to cuddle with Clay while the boy is falling asleep. Sonny and Brock start preparing everything for Jason’s arrival. They know he got hurt - a mild concussion and a few broken ribs - and they know a steak and a cold beer will heal him. 

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Jason is impatient, he almost runs out of the plane and quickly says bye to everyone before Trent takes him home. Jason tosses his bag away, pats Cerberus’s back and hurries outside into the warm summer evening. Sonny is grilling meat while also holding Clay on his hip and their backs are facing Jason, they are both focusing on their task. Brock hands Jason a bottle of cold beer and Jason finally relaxes. He is home. 

The garden looks different. There is a swing hanging from a lower branch of the tall maple tree, a sandbox and a kiddie pool are under a big parasol and a few toys are  scattered on the porch. Cerberus lies down in the grass right next to Jason and Jason strokes the dog’s soft fur. Wait, since when does Cerberus smell like a coconut?! His thoughts are interrupted when Sonny’s feet appear in his field of vision and Jason looks up so fast that black dots dance in front of his eyes. Fuck, he hates concussion! 

Jason can’t believe his eyes. That’s it. He banged his head too hard, now he is probably dying while his head fills with blood in the middle of a Brazilian jungle because this can’t be real. This can’t be the same Clay he left only a few weeks ago. This kid looks almost normal if you ignore Clay’s blue eyes which has the past horrors carved in them.

“Clay, you remember Jason. Right?”

Clay tightens his grip around Sonny’s neck and Sonny chuckles before handing Jason a plate with a big steak, a handful of fries and a few pieces of grilled broccoli. Jason frowns on the vegetable and wants to flick it away, but then Brock clears his throat.

“In this house we eat our vegetable.”

Jason isn’t sure if he is speaking to him or Clay, but he balances the plate on his knees and stabs a piece of broccoli on a fork. Since when do they use normal silverware? He is used to the cheap ones they toss in the trash instead of washing it. The broccoli isn’t so bad and he feels proud when Clay opens his mouth to accept a piece of the tiny “tree” after watching Jason swallowing it. Sonny is grinning like an idiot and let Clay eat using his hands. He is squeezing the meat between his short fingers and occasionally throws some to Cerberus. They probably think they are sneaky, but the truth is that no one cares as long as they are both happy and safe. 

Sonny gets up to grab another beer and before Clay has time to protest, he is placed in Jason’s empty lap and they both freeze. Jason takes a deep breath, Clay and Cerberus both smell like a coconut. Jason chuckles, so do they share the same shampoo or does Sonny bath them together? Brock hands him a wet napkin and Jason gets the message - get Clay clean. He gently takes one tiny wrist in his big, calloused hand and starts cleaning the short fingers and little palm covered with sauce. Clay doesn’t fight, he is still and carefully watches Jason’s face.

“Done, you are a clean boy again.”

Jason tosses the wipe away and rubs Clay’s little hands between his. It feels weird. Not weird in a bad way, just weird, strange. Sonny is back and Jason gets another beer before he picks up Clay. Sonny holds Clay on his hip, but leans closer to Jason and it takes the man a few seconds to know what is Sonny doing, he is holding Clay so Jason can give him a goodnight kiss. Jason strokes Clay’s curly hair and smiles. Did his kids get a goodnight kiss? Probably no because he was gone all the time and when he was at home he argued with his wife. Sonny disappears inside the house and Jason sips the beer for a little longer before placing the half full bottle in the grass. Brock and Cerberus are sitting on the porch, side to side and stare on the black sky full of stars. Jason doesn’t disturb them, he goes to take a shower and then stop in front of Clay’s room. He is already asleep, a nightlight baths the small room in soft yellow light and Jason smiles after spotting the monkey in Clay’s tight grip. It feels nice to have a kid around, maybe this time he won’t fuck this up so bad.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Spending more time with Clay means a lot to Jason. He knows he isn’t the important mother hen like Sonny or the one who teaches him things like Brock, but at least he can cook and enjoy that Clay likes his meals. His teeth are the problem and today Jason volunteered to take Clay to see his dentist, again. Jason is a rookie in this, but the two previous appointments went well so he can do it. The dentist is a bit surprised that another beefy man appears with her cutest patient, but she knows from Sonny that they are soldiers so she doesn’t ask too many question and begins her work on Clay. The best way to place artificial temporary teeth in the boy’s mouth is to knock him out and while he is asleep she finishes a few teeth. It is a slow process, this is their third and hopefully last session and then they will wait for Clay’s permanent teeth to grow and push the artificial out. Jason is sitting aside, out of the doctor’s way and tries not to cringe in fear and disgust. He is a SEAL, why the hell does he hates this so much? After another hour they are finally done and this time for good, well for good if you don’t count the regular check-ups to ensure everything is healing without a hitch.

Clay is still out of it when Jason straps him in his car seat and they are ready to head home. Jason doesn’t want this to end so quickly, they had no fun together. At least he stops at Five Guys and buys dozens of hot dogs, cheese dogs and bacon dogs and also loads of fries and milkshakes. He admits it, he went a bit crazy, but he feels so hungry. As if he wasn’t eating for years. Sonny raises an eyebrow, even Cerberus looks somehow shocked when Jason brings bags full of food. They sit down at the table on the porch because it is raining, it is a proper summer downpour but there is no better place where they could spend it than their porch. Clay is fighting with the hot dog, split and grilled lengthwise with cheese on top and a layer of smoked bacon. His hands are too small so Jason ends up holding it for him. Clay always takes a big bite, happily chews while smiling at them and his hands grips the strawberries milkshake. Jason must smile too, Clay is too cute with cheese and grease everywhere and he snaps a quick picture for later. After stuffing their bellies, Sonny rubs his full stomach and Clay pushes his T-shirt up before rubbing his little belly just like Sonny. They laugh, Clay is such a copy cat! Clay is getting more and more sleepy, he can barely keep his eyes open so they guess it is time for an early bed time. Jason changes Clay in a cute pajama with trains and tucks him in the bed before sitting down next to him. Suddenly Clay squirms and points toward a small bookshelf. Jason grabs the first book he sees and to his surprise it is Brock’s book. You heard right, the ex-SEAL wrote a book for kids about a dog who got lost and travels across the country to find his family while also helping everyone he meets. Brock’s two books are quite successful and it looks like Clay is a fan. 

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

This isn’t the way Jason imagined coming back home after 6 weeks in Afghanistan. Broken wrist, bruised kidneys and two cracked ribs. Yeah, he isn’t in the best shape, but he tries to be brave. He knows the guys don’t know he is coming back tonight and he at least stops in a near Walmart and grabs a new LEGO for Clay. Man, the kid loves three things - Sonny, LEGO and Disney movies, in that order. He checks himself in the rear mirror. There is a big bruise blooming on his forehead, another one is covering bigger part of his left cheek and a smaller one is peeking from underneath the collar of his T-shirt. Damn, he should have asked Ellis or Davis for a bit of make up. Well, too late for that. Jason carefully climbs out of his car and hisses in pain thanks to his ribs. He slowly makes his way to the front door and opens it. The living room is a mess, Clay’s toys are everywhere but the boy isn’t there. Jason prepares himself for climbing the stairs and finally hears their voices coming from the upstairs bathroom. Right, it is almost bedtime. 

Cerberus is the first one who notice Jason watching them from the dark hallway and quickly barks. He jumps out of the bathtub and Sonny with Brock yell in unissimo. Cerb gets water everywhere, but he says hello to Jason before jumping back in the bathtub. More yells follow, but Clay is giggling so hard that they can’t be mad. It might not be the most hygienic way, but it is impossible to keep Cerberus out of the tub. His military training flies out of the window when he spots his cub having a bath. 

Brock frowns at Jason, but says nothing and unfolds a towel. Sonny picks Clay up, Brock wraps him in the towel, they work as a team. Jason feels a bit awkward and wants to at least dress Clay in a set of pajama, but his broken wrist won’t work properly. He watches how Brock puts on the pajama and then he can finally sit down on the bed next to Clay. Clay turns his attention to Jason and pouts. He places one tiny hand on Jason’s broken wrist and turns his blue eyes to him.

“Ouch.”

Their boy speaks only a bit, but this word is in his limited vocabulary. Great. Jason smiles and tries to hide a wince, his kidneys feel like they are on fire. He shows him the LEGO, Clay can’t focus on Jason’s injuries. The kid grips his new gift and wants to open it, but Sonny takes it away and turns on the nightlight because it is time for bed. Jason doesn’t want to leave, he lies down next to Clay and wraps his good arm around the boy. Sleeping at home after a mission always feels weird. The house is too silent, it smells clean and there is no danger. Luckily the painkillers he took after arriving home make him sleepy and he is asleep before Cerberus comes on his regular night check-up.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

The next morning isn’t much better. Jason’s bruises really bloomed during the night and now he looks even worse. Clay bursted into tears right after waking up and Sonny sent Jason to take a shower or simply do something to look more alive. He comes downstairs in 40 minutes. Sonny has already cooked breakfast and now they are eating warm pancakes. Sonny gets a plate for Jason and he sits down. Jason is glad he doesn’t need to make his own breakfast, he enjoys the fluffy pancakes with sweet strawberries and warm syrup while Clay whines something about his stuffed monkey. Jason is in too much pain to do something else than collapsing on the couch. Clay appears a few seconds later after Sonny cleaned his face and hands. He climbs next to Jason who opens his tired and bloodshot eyes. Jason spots the new LEGO in Clay’s hands and sighs. He can do this. He is used to pushing his pain away, just a bit longer and Clay will find something else to do. Jason opens the box and dumps a few plastic bags on the coffee table. Clay immediately kneels down and starts building … what did Jason buy? He remembers staggering in Walmart, finding an aisle with toys and grabbing a box with the words LEGO and Disney on it. Clay is silently putting the small bricks together and Jason is happy he can watch, he isn’t sure he could play with Clay without passing out.

Brock comes and kisses the top of Clay’s head before placing a sippy cup with juice next to him. He is working on a new book, he is glad Clay will be busy for a few hours and he can peacefully work. Sonny is outside, he started his own vegetable garden. Jason smirks. When did his brothers get so soft? Did Clay do this to them? Jason carefully lies down and watches Clay. Kids are weird. They are like dogs but with less hair. Cerberus comes and sits down next to Clay as if he is his father. Okay, when he is looking at them, he thinks Cerberus is probably smarter. Especially after Clay gets up and tries to sit on Cerberus’s back as if the dog isn’t a dog, but a horse.

“Clay, don’t do that. Cerberus doesn’t like it.”

Clay barely turns to Jason and keeps trying to climb on the poor dog. Jason sighs. Okay, time to step it. He slowly sits up, puts his feet down on the carpet and yells.

A stabbing pain spreads in his left foot and he quickly lifts it to see what the fuck was on the carpet. A bright red LEGO block is lying there waiting for a victim to step on it. Sonny runs in the living room and winces.

“Oh fudge. This is worse than stepping on a landmine!”

Sonny quickly sends the dog away and makes sure there are no more LEGO blocks on the floor. Jason lies down again and watches Clay who is tugging on Sonny’s shirt trying to climb up in his arms. Sonny picks him up, but only to lecture him.

“Buddy, what did we say about Cerberus. He is a friend, not a toy.”

It is hard to say no to Clay with his huge blue eyes and blond curls, he looks like a cute angel. Clay’s lower lip wobbles and he starts crying, well that’s new for Jason.  Clay whimpers and rubs his little cheek against Sonny’s chest until he melts and sits down on the couch. Jason’s silent rest is over, Sonny turns on the TV and plays Aladdin. Jason thinks about getting up and dragging his tired body in his bedroom, but before he can move, a small hand easily slips in his opened fist. Jason looks down and finds Clay’s little, fragile-looking hand in his. He smiles and rubs the short fingers and for the first time in years he doesn’t mind Sonny’s fake singing who sings along Aladdin.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

It is easy to forget that Clay is a traumatized kid who fought hard to stay alive completely alone in a war-torn Libya, at least during the day. He laughs, he runs around the house and looks healthy, normal. Nights are a different story. It seems that during nights his memories fly back and torment him when he is asleep in the safety of his bed with three top-tier soldiers and a dog who killed terrorists with bare teeth sleeping in the same house. 

However, tonight Brock is the first one who started screaming due to a terrible nightmare. They all saw and did terrible things so they can imagine how do Brock’s nightmares look like, but the way he screams still surprises them. Brock’s screams full of pain and fear are blood-chilling, as if the worst monsters you can imagine are skinning him alive. Cerberus is on the top of his friend in seconds, he pushes his muzzle in the crook of Brock’s neck and licks the bare skin, but Brock remains stiff like a plank while screaming and grunting. In cases like this Sonny is happy their neighbors are so far. He stumbles in Brock’s room, he had no time to put on the prosthetic leg. He curses Jason for being deployed again, but this time it should be a quicker thing in Mexico. Just when he gets in Brock’s room, Clay also bursts into a hysterical fit. Cerberus stands up, the dog is torn apart by having to choose between Brock and his cub. Cerberus looks at Sonny as if saying Go, I can handle him.

Sonny picks up screaming Clay and hurries back to Brock who finally wakes up from his nightmare. Clay is hanging in Sonny’s arms, sweaty and hysterical and Sonny sighs.

“Okay, you two gave me a heart attack. Let’s go for a walk.”

Brock doesn’t argue, he is too scared to fall asleep. He puts on his comfy old sneakers while Sonny changes Clay and straps him in the stroller. The summer night is warm and they step out of the house with Cerberus walking right next to the umbrella stroller. Clay is calmer, he still sniffles and whimpers, but that’s why Sonny got this stroller, because he can choose if Clay should sit facing him or not and right now Clay needs to see he isn’t alone. Brock is still shaking, but the slow walk is helping. He takes a deep breath of fresh air and tries to calm down. Everything is okay. He is with Sonny and Clay, Jason, Ray and Trent are also safe and soon they are coming back. Brock decides to focus on Sonny’s hands. He has always believed Sonny is the toughest guy. He is huge, built like a tank and yet he is so gentle with Clay. He always makes sure Clay’s every need is meet, he often cuddles with him and doesn’t mind the boy is sometimes so clingy that he follows him even in the bathroom. Brock is too deep in his thoughts so he almost trips when Sonny suddenly stops.

“Shit!”

Brock quickly focuses and looks down at Clay only to curse and kneel down next to the stroller. Clay’s small body is seizing while his eyes are begin to roll in the back of his head, all of this is completed with foamy saliva running down his chin. Brock really hopes this is just another dumb nightmare but Cerberus panicked barking proves this is their cruel reality. 

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Jason is glad this mission went smoothly, almost too smoothly. Bravo 6 caught a drug lord, now they will hand him over and he is done and can go home. Jason got a text from Brock that he is picking him up so he makes a quick exit and soon he is heading to Brock’s black jeep. He was hoping Clay will also come, but only Brock is waiting for him and he looks exhausted. The most alarming thing is that Cerberus isn’t with him. Brock quickly looks away from Jason to hide the fact he has been crying and also the truth that he is close to tears again.

“Clay is sick, Sonny is with him in the hospital.”

Jason feels as if a bullet hit his chest. No, no, no! Clay is supposed to be good, doctors said so! A team of doctors saw him just 10 days ago! Jason hops in and starts the engine while Ray and Trent are watching them in confusion. 

Jason is furious. Brock takes him to a private room where is Sonny half sitting, half lying in a bed with Clay resting on his chest. Their kid is wearing a hospital gown paired with his bunny slippers from home, Paul is nestled under his arm and Cerberus is resting at Sonny’s feet all the while EEG wires run from a little machine and end glued to his head with a cap covering them.

Seeing Clay like this feels as if someone is burning Jason’s insides, but the worst thing is that his brothers didn’t call him. Sure, he wouldn’t have been allowed to leave the mission, but he should have known about this.

“What the fuck, Sonny. A dumb text, a dumb text would be enough.”

He wasn’t even that far, just a few hours away in fucking Mexico! A simple text, that’s all he is asking for.

Sonny closes his eyes in exhaustion. It has been 66 hours! He has been locked in this room for 66 hours with Clay who has had six more seizures. And Jason wanted a text? Fuck him, fuck the doctors, fuck the universe for being this cruel to his kid.

“Jason, you are not helping. 6 more hours, then we can speak or fight or do whatever you want to.”

Sonny’s big palm never leaves Clay’s back, he is there to show his boy everything will be okay. Brock tugs on Jason’s arm and takes both him and Cerberus on a short walk.

“They are doing this 72 hours long EEG to figure out what is wrong, but they think it is epilepsy. Blackburn …”

Jason’s anger is ready to explode again.

“Blackburn knew? You told him, but not me?!”

Brock grabs his shoulder and uses every bit of energy he has left to shake Jason.

“Yeah, he got the best doctors for him! Why do you think we are in a military hospital? Everyone knows Blackburn will want blood if Clay is mistreated. And telling you Clay is having seizures while you are in Mexico fighting with a drug cartel? Distracting you with the vision of Clay being hurt?”

Jason says nothing. He knows Brock is right. They head back after Cerberus did his business and silently sit down in the room. Clay is asleep again, all he does is sleep or having a seizure. Jason stares on the small body, counts Clay’s every breath and blinks in surprise when doctors come to take off the wires. Has it really been six hours? Jason stretches his body and grabs a handful of tissues before he starts wiping the sticky gel out of Clay’s curls. They need to stay for the night while the doctors reads the results, but the next day before lunch they have a diagnosis -  generalized epilepsy a.k.a both sides of Clay’s brain decide to have a seizure. The doctors are kind, hard to tell if they are afraid of Blackburn or angry Jason, probably combination of both because they take their time explaining everything. They get a medicine and a date of another check-up, but then they are free to go with one final warning - Clay will experience more seizures before the medicine kicks in and starts doing it’s job, there are also going to be side effects like sleepiness, lack of appetite and general apathy to people and things around him until he reaches the medicine reaches the needed limit. 

But then Jason can finally hold Clay in his arms and hug him close to his chest. Sonny catches a few soldiers and people looking at them, but he doesn’t give a fuck. This might be fearless Jason Hayes, but right now he is a worried parent.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Summer turns into autumn and Clay is finally doing better. His seizures aren’t so often, they had to change the medicine to get the right one, but now he has like one smaller seizure a week and sometimes he manages a whole week without a seizure. Trent and Ray with his family are finally allowed to visit them and Clay gets a chance to play with other kids. They are slowly preparing for their first Halloween  when Blackburn pays them an unexpected visit. Jason is alone, Sonny and Brock are doing grocery shopping with Clay. 

He leads Blackburn in the living room, throws some toys off the couch to make space for his commander and offers him a cup of coffee. Eric Blackburn is a soldier, he likes everything tidy and this place is a mess. Jason is preparing him a coffee and Eric gets up from the couch. Underneath the window is a row of colorful plastic boxes probably used to store Clay’s toys, however it is clear one little boy doesn’t like cleaning his personal “playground”. Eric starts sorting the toys. Little cars, trucks and other vehicles belong to the red box, LEGO goes in the green one, coloring books and crayons go in the yellow one. Jason startles him a bit and Eric quickly sits down on the couch.

“So about the adoption process, the forms are okay, but there is a psychologist who has to give you the green light before Clay is officially yours.”

Eric looks up from the carpet, oh god, there are crushed Cheerios everywhere. He must look away before he will ask Jason to get him a vacuum cleaner. He looks up to find Jason staring at him, the man’s lips pressed in a tight line and his whole expression is angry as if he ….. oh no, as if he had no idea about the adoption. Sonny gave him the papers in front of Brock, he believed if Brock knows then Jason knows too. Apparently, no.

Brock’s jeep pulls up in front of the house just in the nick of time . Brock and Sonny walk in with bags full of food and Clay is carrying a bag of his favorite potato chips. Brock and Sonny immediately feel the tension in the room and Brock quickly grabs Clay. They head outside and Jason waits until the door closed behind them before yelling at Sonny.

“Adoption? When were you going to share this with me?!”

Sonny glares at Eric and drags the bags in the kitchen. They bought ice cream, no one wants melted ice cream.

“Jason, you are gone all the time. In the last 3 months how many days did you spend home with us? 2 weeks, less? Clay needs a stable home, he needs someone to be here for him all the time.”

Sonny knows their job is tough. He was a soldier before one asshole with a grenade cost him his leg. But now he is not a soldier, now he is a father.

“You think I don’t love Clay?”

Sonny can’t look at Jason, he can’t handle the pain written in his face and he knows the things he is going to say are going to make this even worse.

“Jason, did you fight for your kids? When Alana died, did you fight for them? No, they wanted to live with their aunt who they barely knew and you did nothing. Clay needs someone who will fight for him no matter what.”

Jason feels as if someone stabbed him right in his heart. He knows he fucked up, his kids are far away from him, they don’t speak together and Jason knows he should have fought for them, but back then when his wife died it felt easier to give up. He had his job, his missions and taking care of kids who reminded him of his dead wife? That was something he couldn’t have done. Clay is different. It feels as if the boy is one of them, as if they understand each others pain. Small Clay who is  soon going to turn 6 feels as a fellow SEAL with all the horrors written in his eyes and buried in his soul.

“What if you die, Jason? I came back without a leg, Brock came back with demons living in his head and what if you come back in a casket. You are my brother and I love you, but Clay is my kid and I love him more than myself. If you don’t come back one day how can we explain it to him? How can we explain that another person left him without shattering him again?”

Sonny blinks to hide the tears in his eyes and quickly turns to the fridge.

“That’s why I didn’t tell you, I wasn’t sure if you want to fight for Clay.”

Blackburn silently leads himself out of the house and basically runs to his car. They will be fine, maybe they will argue but they are going to overcome it, maybe, hopefully.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Jason is mad, but it doesn’t change the fact he cares about Clay and if Sonny is Clay’s best chance to have a normal life, then Jason will support them both. The psychologist, a woman in her 40’s usually works with soldiers, Jason isn’t sure if she wants to speak with Clay or Sonny. Is she worried that Sonny with his depressions or Brock with PTSD are going to hurt Clay? Jason won’t ask why does her office has a one-way mirror or why is Blackburn sitting in the small dark room with Jason and watching Sonny who walks in the office. He and Clay sit down on a small couch and she smiles from her armchair. First she wants to speak with Clay alone which won’t be easy. Clay and Sonny are used to be together all the time, ALL THE TIME. Clay is visibly nervous when Sonny walks out of the room, but at least Cerberus can come in. The dog immediately sits down in front of Clay and rests his head on Clay’s bony knees. The doctor starts asking simple questions. What is his favorite snack? What he usually does? Does he have friends? She doesn’t look satisfied when Clay answers his friends are Sonny, Cerberus, Brock and Jason. Four SEAL warriors don’t count as the best friends for a kid. Clay is playing with Cerberus’s ears and doesn’t look at her while trying to answer her. Sometimes it is still hard for him to find the right words and the fact Sonny isn’t there to help isn’t doing him any good. They are having a little chat, at least that’s what she thinks before another question causes that Clay looses it.

“Sonny, I want Sonny!”

He screams and cries, completely ignores the doctor who doesn’t know what she did wrong. There is a coffee table between them with a box of tissues, she leans closer to grab one, but she doesn’t get very far because Cerberus is immediately standing between her and his cub. The playful swishing of his tail is gone, he is ready to attack and protect what is his. He is growling, a deep terrifying noise which causes she takes a step back. Luckily for the doctor, Sonny storms in the room and grabs his boy. Clay screams even harder, his voice is getting hoarse and Sonny is rocking him in his strong arms to calm him down. Clay is pretty worked up, he needs to calm down if he doesn’t want to be sick or worse, get a seizure. Sonny sits down and keeps patting Clay’s back until the boy stops crying and only continues sobbing. Sonny gets a few tissues to clean his snotty face and then looks at the doctor.

“That’s what you wanted!? You wanted to see he is not okay with me? You think I am incompetent! Because I am a guy, right?”

Cerberus growls again and she quickly raises her hands to show she is no threat. Many soldiers have accused her of terrible things, they just wanted to blame someone, put a face on their misery.

“No, not at all. I saw Clay’s pictures from before, I know how great you are.”

Her confession takes Sonny by surprise so she continues.

“I don’t like some things. Like the fact he is around SEAL all the time because it is important for him to have a contact with kids his age. But look at him. Considering his start, he is a miracle. You did a miracle. And I just want to make sure Clay is in the best hands and I can help you. I am not against you, I am WITH you.”

Sonny grips Clay, so she isn’t going to take him away? She is offering help? Sonny is calmer when Clay doesn’t cry, hearing him crying and screaming forces Sonny to turn into a beast who wants to destroy anyone who made his boy sad. It is clear Clay doesn’t want to speak anymore, enough speaking for today, thank you and bye. Sonny apologizes for yelling at her and also for Cerberus growling at her. They can go home and Sonny promises her they will come for another session. Sonny knows Clay needs friends, not grown-up man with complicated history, but normal kids. He just isn’t ready to let go of him and allow him to explore the world around him for a bit. They all know what kind of terrible people live on this planet, Sonny is like a scared mother hen who shields her little chick under her wing. But he promises himself that soon, in a few weeks or month, mostly likely months, he will give Clay a bit more space even if it means attending a group for children.

• ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Halloween comes and they are ready to head out. Only Clay is wearing a costume, he wanted to be an astronaut and Brock found a pair of aliens ears so Cerberus is a monster from the outer space who keeps licking Clay’s face. Clay isn’t doing very well around other kids, Brock would say it is because they are dicks, but the reason is easier. Clay is too shy, too scared around new people, he needs time to get used to new people and situations, he also isn’t doing good with sudden touches or loud noises. However they are trying.

Clay is gripping a plastic Jack-o-lantern bucket in one hand while his other hand is tightly holding on Jason. There are many loud kids running around, but they avoid the scary looking guys. Jason slows down a bit so when they reach the other house there is no one else on the porch.

“Okay, big guy. Go on.”

Clay doesn’t move, he doesn’t even let go of Jason so Jason is forced to walk to the front door with him. An older lady opens the door, she is already holding a big bowl of candies and Clay changes his mind. He ducks and hides behind Jason’s legs. She doesn’t mind. She pets Cerberus, asks Jason how is he doing and then reaches one hand toward Clay. She is holding a small bag of M&M’s and Clay really wants them. He knows what Sonny always says - be brave, try it and if you don’t like it then we are here for you. 

“Trick or treat?”

It works! She drops the M&M’s in his bucket and smiles at him before going back inside. Clay sighs in relief and hurries to show his treat to Brock and Sonny. It doesn’t really matter how many house they visit or how many sweets he gets, all three of them have pockets full of candies and they drop a few once in a while to fill Clay’s bucket because the kid is too slow. Whenever Cerberus stops to sniffle to an interesting tree, Clay stops too and patiently waits for his brother in crime. Halloween goes smoothly, they are back home around 7 and Sonny turns on the grill because they are throwing a small party for their friends - only Trent, Lisa, Eric and Mandy are coming, Ray is busy with his kids on this special night. Sonny is preparing burgers and Lisa with Mandy cuddle with Clay. Eric opens a beer and goes to chat with Sonny. They watch the meat sizzling on the grill and listen to Lisa and Mandy losing it over Clay’s cuteness.

Sonny is focusing on his cooking, but when he is sure Jason and Brock are afar he turns to Blackburn.

“Uhh, Eric? One quick question, do soldiers get a discount at Disneyland?”

It is not a question Eric was expecting, but with Jason’s new and less dangerous job it is normal that Sonny has big plans. Clay loves Disney movies so what would be better than Disneyland? When Sonny saw these prices he was speechless, but when then he caught something about a discount for soldiers. Maybe Blackburn could chip in or maybe he knows a way how to get some more discounts. Eric promises to look into it later and chuckles. Who would imagine that Sonny Quinn will ask about discounts at Disneyland? On the other hand they all changed so much. Brock finished another book, Sonny is calmer as never before and Jason working as N3 Operations Chief at TOC, it is clear little Clay Spenser, the little kid who fought for every breath he took, changed them more than they changed him.