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“Goodnight, Ruze.”
“Go home, Hailey.” The officer fires back on his way out of the bullpen. It’s nearing 10pm and they are the last two people of the unit left still working.
“Yeah, yeah.” The blonde nods, her eyes never leaving her computer screen. “I just gotta finish this report. I’ll be done in a minute.”
It stays quiet in the bullpen. Adam apparently already having disappeared down the staircase.
It’s late. Later than Hailey had planned to stay when she started work this morning. But after years on the force, the senior detective knows how a double homicide can quickly turn what’s supposed to be an 8 hour work day, into a 14 hours long shift. It’s not the first time it has happened, and Hailey knows it will definitely not be the last.
She’s exhausted both mentally and physically. This case asked a lot from her, from all of them. She has had a headache since earlier this afternoon that, despite the tylenol she took at lunch, won't seem to go away. It’s been slowing her down now that she has been typing up her final report. But with Ruzek’s departure, the bullpen is finally completely silent. There are no more distractions, and Hailey knows she only needs about another 10 minutes to finish up the report.
Besides, it’s not like she has anything else planned tonight. There is no one waiting for her at home, except the few half empty boxes she still hasn’t gotten around to unpacking yet. It’s just her, her couch and whatever take-out she decides to buy on her way home.
She shakes the thoughts from her head and gets back to work. It’s only a few seconds later when she hears someone coming up the stairs again.
“What did you forget this time? Let me guess, your wallet. No, your car keys.” Hailey states, spinning around in her desk chair, a grin plastered on her face.
But when she turns around it’s not Adam she sees standing at the top of the stairs.
“Jay?” The name rolls off her tongue like it has a million times before. Like no time has passed at all.
“Hi.” Her ex-husband shyly smiles back at her, hands in his pockets.
She’s out of her chair before she realizes it. She wants to take a step towards him, but Hailey finds that she is unable to move. So she just stands there frozen in her spot.
Is this really happening? Is he really standing right in front of her after all this time?
“You cut your hair.” Jay acknowledges.
Hailey’s hands immediately fly up to the ends of her hair, which are now trimmed to fall just over her shoulders. “I did.” Is all that she seems able to say.
“It looks good on you.” Her old partner smiles. “You look good.”
“Thanks.” The blonde shyly replies.
Gosh, why does he keep smiling at her like that. She must have dreamed about this moment a hundred times in the past. How he all of a sudden would be standing in front of her. The way she would jump into his strong arms, crossing her legs around his torso, kissing him until they would both be out of breath.
But now that the moment is finally here, now that they are no longer together, none of that feels appropriate. Hailey has no idea what to do. So she just stands there, unable to take her eyes off of him.
Jay seems to be finding himself in a similar position. His eyes are trained on her, but neither one of them is taking the first step. Breaking the spell they have seemed to have found themselves under.
It feels surreal. Like this is another one of her dreams. Although Hailey knows, if this was a dream, the tension and awkwardness between them wouldn't be lingering in the air like this.
“Are you really here?” The blonde whispers.
If it hadn’t been so eerily silent in the bullpen, Jay isn’t sure he would have heard her.
Her question seems to break the spell between them. He takes a few steps forward, slowly approaching his old partner while still leaving a good 5 feet between them. “I am. I’m really here.”
“How— What—“
He can tell she is beginning to spiral, and it’s the last thing he wants.
“Hey, it’s just me.” Jay states, his voice soft and comforting. He reaches his right hand out to gently rest it on her arm, but before he has a chance to touch her, Hailey takes a step back, colliding with her desk.
Okay, he probably deserved that. But he can’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt to see his wife, —ex-wife, he corrects himself—, flinching away from his touch.
“Sorry. I- I’m not really sure what to do here.” Jay apologizes, taking several steps back to give her space.
“Me neither.” Hailey whispers, before taking a step forward again, shortening the distance between them once more.
“It’s really good to see you again, Jay.”
“Is it?” Jay questions, suddenly not so sure that coming here was the right move.
“Of course, you dumbass.” Hailey breaks out into a smile, outstretching her arms. “Come here.”
The first few seconds of their hug are awkward. It’s been over a year since they’ve last seen each other, held each other. So much has happened between them these past months. And while it all feels a little strange, it also feels so very familiar to hold him in her arms again.
“Welcome home, Jay.” Hailey whispers in his ear, before they break apart from each other.
And for the first time in 36 hours, Jay feels like he is indeed finally home. Bolivia never felt like home to him. But at the same time neither did Chicago. He doesn’t know when it all started to change, when Chicago stopped feeling like his home. Why he had to get away from the city he once loved and his favorite people in it. But he saw no other option, so he ran. He hasn’t forgiven himself for it since. He felt like a coward, a fraud. Like he lost the right to call Chicago home, when he left her so abruptly.
Jay knows, he doesn’t just get to come home after all these months and claim his old life back. He’s been out of Chicago for too long for that. Has hurt too many people in the process of trying to find his way back home. Especially this beautiful woman standing in front of him.
But if his time apart from her has taught him one thing, it is that he never wants to be without her again. Because he has never felt like he belonged somewhere more, than he did just now in Hailey’s arms.
Jay lets out the breath he’s been holding in for the entirety of their hug. But before he has a chance to tell Hailey what is on his mind, he sees her eyes widen. And he knows he’s been caught.
“Is that—?” The blonde doesn’t finish her sentence. But her eyes are trained on the black rubber wedding ring that she placed on his finger nearly two years ago.
He knows he doesn’t need to verbally answer her. Doesn’t think he can if he tries. So he simply nods.
“I— Oh, okay. Wow.” Hailey manages to stumble out.
“I know I should probably have taken it off…” Jay states.
Hailey waits for him to finish his sentence. However the second part of whatever it is he was about to say never comes.
“Jay, we haven’t been together in months. We signed divorce papers.”
“I know.” Jay nods, his eyes trained on the floor. He isn’t sure he can look her in the eyes right now, scared he’ll crumble and break down right there in front of her.
“Why– Why are you still wearing it?”
Jay notices how she doesn’t sound mad. Just curious, hopeful almost. Or is that just his own wishful thinking?
“I’m not completely sure?” He tries. But by the look on Hailey’s face he knows that is not the answer she was looking for. He should have known better. She always had the ability to see right through him, call him out on his bullshit. Why would this time be any different?
“No. You don’t get to do that.” Her voice is firm, and Jay knows that despite how strong she sounds, she is holding back tears of her own. “You don’t get to come home after I haven’t seen you in over a year, walk into my place of work, wearing our wedding ring like we never signed those divorce papers, just to state that you aren’t sure why you’re still wearing your ring. That’s not fair to me, Jay. You know it isn’t.”
He knows she is right. But how does he begin to tell her that he never wants to take his ring off. That he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting her go. How does he tell her all that, when he is the one that left. When he is the reason she felt like she had no other option but to ask him for a divorce in the first place.
“We may not be together anymore, Hailey. But I promised to love you forever with this ring, and I’m not ready to give up on that promise.”
“Excuse you?” Hailey states. Her voice sounds agitated. “Do I need to remind you that you’re the one that just left?”
“I know that, and—“
“And what, Jay?” Hailey snaps. “You left and barely spoke to me for a year. You decided to extend your stay without consulting me about it first. And no matter how many times I asked, you’d never tell me when you would be coming home. If you’d be coming home. So what was I supposed to do? Just wait for you to make up your mind? Because I did that. I did all of that, until you stopped returning my calls for weeks. Until you signed up for yet another extended stay without talking to me first.”
“I know.” The former detective says defeated. “I can never tell you how sorry I am for what I put you through. And I’ll never forgive myself for how much I hurt you either.”
“But you did hurt me, Jay. You hurt us both.”
“I know that.” He sighs. “I’m really sorry, Hailey. I didn’t come here to argue with you.”
“Then why did you come?" Hailey sighs. "Why are you still wearing your ring?”
He can’t blame her for her slight hostility towards him. He knows she is just protecting herself from getting hurt again. From him hurting her again. But he needs her to understand where he is coming from.
“A divorce may keep me from spending the rest of my life with you, Hailey. But nothing in this world can ever keep me from loving you.” He can hear Hailey's sharp intake of breath. “I can’t just stop loving you, even if you stopped loving me.”
And that’s the truth. He loves her. He thinks he always has. From the moment she walked into that credit union all those years ago. When she would check on him because he was going through a rough time, when she called him out on his destructive behavior, made him go to therapy because she threatened to find a new partner if he didn’t straighten himself out. He’s loved her for years. And he knows he’ll love her for many more years to come. Even if it's just from afar.
Yes, he royally fucked up. He knows that, regrets it even more. But what’s done is done. And he can’t turn back time. No matter how desperately he wishes he could at times. He doesn’t regret rejoining the Army. It was what he needed at the time, he got out of it what he was looking for. What he knows he wouldn’t have been able to find here in Chicago. What he does regret however, is how he treated Hailey while he was gone. He was so busy working on trying to find his way back to himself that he forgot she was hurting too. He thought she would be okay. Her family and their unit were all here in Chicago ready to look after her. But he should have known she’d never let them in. He should have been there for her himself. And he’ll regret it for the rest of his life that he wasn’t.
“You really think I was able to stop loving you?” Hailey asks, her voice fragile. Like she can’t believe a thought like that could ever cross his mind.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I didn’t make myself very lovable these past few months.”
“Oh, Jay.” Hailey shakes her head. “Of course I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I can, or even know how to. You’re the love of my life. You always will be.”
“Wait, what?” Jay almost gives himself a whiplash with how fast he looks up at her.
“Jay, I didn’t ask for a divorce because I stopped loving you. I asked for one, because things couldn’t go on like this between us. Not knowing where we stood, when you’d come home, if you’d come home. I had to cut myself lose, or the longing and uncertainty would have swallowed me up whole.”
“I can’t believe how badly I messed up.” Jay confesses.
Hailey reaches out to hold his arm. Her touch is warm and comforting. “We both did. This isn’t all on you. We’ve both made mistakes.”
“So how do we undo them?” The former detective asks, fragile, almost hopeful.
“Jay, it’s too late. We signed those papers weeks ago.”
“Our love isn’t defined by a piece of paper, Hailey.” Jay states, sounding slightly upset.
“I know that.” Hailey sighs. “It’s just not that simple. We’ve both said things. Things we can’t just unsay. I’ve said things I didn’t mean, I know you’ve said things you didn’t mean. I can’t just pretend the last year never happened.”
“Then don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t pretend the last year never happened, because it did. It did happen, Hailey. It happened to the both of us. And now we’re in this situation, and I don’t know if we can get out of it. But I’d sure like to try.”
“What are you saying?” The blonde asks hopefully.
“I’m saying let’s try to fix this, us. If you still love me and I still love you, then why are we giving up on each other?”
“It’s just not that simple, Jay.” Hailey sighs.
“I don’t need it to be simple. I just need to know that you still love me as much as I love you. And yes, I know it won’t be easy. But if I have even the slightest chance of still ending up with you, then I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll take my chances. Will you take a chance on me?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I can survive getting my heart broken by you again. It nearly destroyed me, Jay.”
“Nothing can destroy you.” The former detective simply states. “You’re the strongest person I know. Let me make things right? Please? Let me show you I’ll fight for you. That I’ll fall in love with you more and more every single day. Because I haven’t stopped falling since the day I met you, Hailey. I still fall more in love with you every single day.”
“Gosh, you make it really hard for me to be mad at you when you say sweet things like that.” Hailey chuckles, blinking away the tears that threaten to escape from her eyes.
“You should be mad at me. I’m mad as hell at myself. But please also give me the chance to make it up to you. Let me at least try.” He pleads.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Losing you is the worst thing that ever happened to me. And it is like you said, if we have the slightest chance of making this work, I owe it to myself to at least try. I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I just let the love of my life slip away like that.”
“You mean that?” Jay asks in disbelief, taking a step closer to the woman that is the sole reason his heart is still beating.
“You know I do.”
“God, I love you.” Jay knows Hailey isn’t ready to say it back yet. He hasn’t earned the right to hear her say it yet. But he can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. He can tell by the twinkle in Hailey’s eyes that she still feels the same. She may not be ready to admit it to herself or to him yet, but knowing she is willing to give him another chance, means everything to him. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulder. He gets to try again. He gets to love Hailey again. And this time he’ll do it right. He will fight for her, for them.
“So, where do we go from here?” Hailey asks, unsure what comes next.
“Home?”
“Jay…” The blonde breathes out.
“I know you sold the apartment. It’s okay.”
Hailey looks embarrassed. “It is?”
“You did what you had to do. I get it. I don’t know if I’d have been able to stay there without you either.”
Hailey simply nods. She shouldn’t be surprised with how in sync they still are. Jay has always understood where she was coming from, sometimes even before she did herself.
“Where are you staying now?” The blonde asks.
“In a sparsely furnished apartment in Canaryville.”
“Canaryville?” The blonde questions.
“Yeah. It’s not much but it’s home, for now.”
“H-home?” Hailey almost chokes on the word. “Does that mean…”
“I took a permanent position working with Army vets here in Chicago.” Jay confirms.
“Oh.” It’s barely a whisper. Hailey is unsure how she feels about this revelation. Now that they’re divorced he moves back to Chicago permanently? Where was his determination to come home when she needed him? When she begged him to tell her when he’d come home to her.
Jay notices the way his ex-wife’s face falls. “Hailey, I told you I’m determined to make this work. To make up for lost time. For what I put you through. I can never tell you how sorry I am.”
“No, please don’t do that. Don’t apologize. I’m really happy for you Jay. They’re lucky to have you.”
“Thanks.” The former detective shyly replies.
Neither of them knows where to go from here. The silence between them is deafening.
“I’m really happy to have you back, Jay. And I want to try this again, I do. But–”
“But we need time.” The Army ranger agrees.
“Yeah. I know I agreed we’d give this another shot, but I need you to realize that things aren’t the same as before. I'm not the same person I was before you left, and I doubt you are either. I don’t think we should just jump back into this. Pretend nothing has changed and everything is fine, when clearly it’s not. Not yet, at least."
Jay nods along with her words.
“I’m sorry if that’s not the answer you were looking for.” Hailey whispers.
“Hey, no. It’s okay.” Jay says, carefully lifting her chin with his hand so they see eye-to-eye again. “I agree. We need a fresh start. We need time. We’re not rushing into anything. I’m not making that mistake again. I’m not losing you again. Ever. So we’ll take things slow.”
Hailey’s voice is barely above a whisper. “Okay.”
“Good.” Jay smiles. And Hailey can’t help but feel that familiar fluttering return to her stomach.
“Let’s go.” Jay states, reaching out his hand for her to take. It hangs in the air for a beat too long, but eventually Hailey intertwines her fingers with his as they make their way down the stairs.
“So are you gonna tell me where you’re planning to take me?” Hailey questions.
“For now, let’s start with Bartoli’s.”
Hailey’s smile spreads over her entire face. Jay was right, they were going home indeed.