Archive of Our Own

There was something about the cold air during misty nights that almost smelled like smoke. As if it wasn’t suspended water blurring the streetlights and hiding the moon, but a faraway forest fire whose trail drifted around Gunwook’s family home. 

The watery lines on his cheeks felt like fire, too. Maybe he could only taste ash because it wasn’t a forest, but his lungs that were burning. Gunwook took a deep breath, freezing air scorching his insides. He wasn’t dressed warmly enough for the weather, but he was sweating, shirt sticking to his skin under his yellow plaid flannel. He always tended to overheat when he cried like this. Still, he was very aware that he would cool down sooner rather than later, and so he hurried, walking in a straight line down the empty streets. 

It hadn’t been a decision, not really. His body had started moving on its own, grabbing the bag he had abandoned at the entrance and slamming the door on the way out. He already knew where he was going before taking the time to think about it. Thankfully, buses were still running, and Gunwook avoided the driver’s gaze when he validated his ticket. The man had probably seen others like him in his career : young, crying, traveling at night without a coat during winter, but it didn’t make it much better. 

Gunwook sat down behind the driver’s seat, putting his bag on his thighs and his forehead on the window. The bus was empty, but he didn’t want to be perceived. He was too tired, his emotions were too volatile for him to deal with any of it. 

It wasn’t the first time it had happened. But usually he just retreated to his bedroom, hiding under the sheets and waiting for the exhaustion to help him sleep the situation away. Something had been different this time. The thought that he wasn’t a minor anymore, that he could just go, had flared up in his chest with such intensity that he had turned his back to his parents in the same heartbeat, already gone in his mind. 

The night, the mist, the speed of the bus, the tears in his eyes. Everything he saw was diffused shapes and lights refracting in long lines, like an exaggerated version of his myopia and astigmatism. Things probably would be better if he pulled out his glasses, but he didn’t feel like seeing right now. Only when his phone vibrated in his back pocket did he blink the tears away, roughly stroking his eyes with the bunched up corner of his sleeve. 

Yujin : hey
Yujin : are u up for a round of lol ? im bored

Gunwook read the notification, and pocketed his phone without responding. He didn’t feel like talking at all. In fact, he didn’t want to know other people were talking to him either. After a short hesitation, he took his phone back, muted it, and shoved it into his bag for good measure. He was an adult. He could go wherever, and didn’t have to answer to anyone. With a sigh, he fell back against the window, new tears painting his cheeks. 

The bus ride took almost an hour. It had been enough for Gunwook to stop crying, only the wet spots on his sleeves and his red eyes left as witnesses from his breakdown. He still wasn’t feeling fine, though. There was a tingling in his belly, like a swarm of ants colonizing his guts. An emptiness when he breathed, as if there was more space in his chest than there should be. Gunwook asked for his stop by muscle memory alone, pressing on the button there, and stepped out of the bus, cold air hitting his body. The time when his emotions protected him from hypothermia was long gone. 

Shoving his hands deep into his pants’ pockets, Gunwook walked fast down the dark abandoned building. It used to be the city’s shining developing center, before fraud, non-conformity to building regulations and other white collar crimes brought it all to an abrupt halt. Ever since, the skeletons of half-built apartments and office complexes stood bare in a mess of rubble and materials. People thought the place was haunted by squatters and drug dealers, but Gunwook knew better. 

When the streetlights faded in his back, he rummaged through his bag to find his phone, frantically turning on the flashlight while trying to ignore the missed calls on the lock screen. The small halo of light was enough to see where his feet landed, and he didn’t need any more, recognizing the path by the cracks on the cement and the metal beams shooting out from unfinished foundations. 

His screen lit up three more times with muted notifications before he reached the stairs. There was a door at the bottom, with stained glass and the clumsy painting of a blue rose on it. When it had been first set up by Jiwoong all those years ago, Gunwook had sworn it would get shattered in a week by urban explorers. Years later, against all odds, the blue flower painted by Ricky still twinkled under his flashlight. He was glad to have been proven wrong. 

Gunwook pulled out his keys, always in his bag’s small side pocket, and walked into the dark room. Usually, on better-lit nights, the moonlight would spill from both the door and the long rectangular window. But it was almost a new moon that night, and the only lights were small red and green dots scattered around from all of the electronic appliances. Regardless, Gunwook pocketed his phone and locked the door behind him. He could - and would - navigate the room with his eyes closed. 

He carefully stepped down the few steps left, his heel rubbing against the cement to make sure he didn’t break his neck. The rest was easy ; two steps forward and then one to the left to turn on the heater, then four steps back and one to the right to find the couch. It was a practiced routine, one just as much muscle memory as it would be to turn off the lights leaving his bedroom. After all, he had been coming here ever since Hanbin brought him into the group at the start of middle school after all.

It had all started with Jiwoong and Hanbin, almost ten years ago. They were neighbors and went to school together, although in different years. So when Hanbin started having a hard time with his classmates at the start of middle school because of his weight, Jiwoong went out with him after school to explore and make him feel better. They weren’t old enough to do it of course, but their parents were none the wiser, and soon enough they decided that this empty basement would be their Base. ZeroBase, because adding a zero to anything made it instantly cooler. 

(“What’s this ?” Gunwook had asked, uncovering a pile of papers in an old shoebox as he cleaned around ZeroBase. 

“Oh, those are our old logo ideas !” Hanbin had grinned. “We wanted to paint the wall with a big ZeroBase.”

“Wow… they’re… very ugly.”

“We can’t all be Ricky”, Jiwoong had muttered, vexed.)

That was how everyone had been recruited, one by one, with the same mission every time ; helping someone in need. Matthew had been next, because he struggled a lot with school as he just moved to the country and Hanbin had offered to help with his homework there. Then came Gyuvin, who had just lost all his friends after standing up to them for bullying a classmate. Hanbin, who was always checking on anyone suddenly alone on the playground, had comforted him in his choices and morality. He ended up inviting Gyuvin to join their friend group instead. Both of them had started sneaking in some furniture to make ZeroBase more comfortable - a folding chair here, a broken table there.

(“You know, when we met, I was already taller than Matthew”, Gyuvin had bragged to Gunwook during a sleepover. 

Matthew had groaned in the next sleeping bag, already knowing what was about to be said. This warning wasn't enough to stop Gyuvin.

“And he kept saying he still hadn’t hit his growth spurt. Well, guess wha- Mmmfhll !”

Matthew had smothered Gyuvin under his pillow, and Gunwook didn’t save him.)

Taerae arrived about two years later, because he had just been outed by a vindictive ex, starting what quickly ramped up to bullying. Despite graduating, Jiwoong still had a legendary reputation which survived his departure as the local stunning heartthrob every girl dreamed of. Gyuvin had reported Taerae’s issue to him, and the next day, Jiwoong had suddenly kissed Matthew at the gates of the school to make a point. Gunwook remembered, because he had been there. He also remembered because Matthew could never shut up about Jiwoong stealing his first kiss even though the latter swore up and down he consented beforehand. Regardless of whether or not it was sexual harassment, Taerae was thankful enough to join them at ZeroBase when Hanbin suggested it and brought their trusted generator with him, allowing them to hang out down there in winter too. 

(“How did you realize you were gay, Taerae hyung ?” Gunwook had asked, young and curious. 

“It was the best I could find since I had a crush on a guy. Sexuality isn’t something set in stone and has many aspects to take into account”, Taerae had instructed. “Back then gay was the best label I could find to define myself, but if I had to pick a label today, it would be asexual homoromantic. It can always change, though, since it’s fluid.”

“Oh, wow. I… don’t know those words. What about you, Hanbin hyung ?”

“Have you ever heard of RuPaul’s Drag Race ?”)

Gunwook had joined only two weeks after that, and admittedly, that stunt had already given him a positive impression of the small group. So when Hanbin sat down next to him at lunch to ask why he was all alone, Gunwook didn’t get defensive as he did with others that only came to mock him. He told him all about how he had skipped a year, but was still bigger than anyone in his class. How the girls mocked his acne, how the nerds were scared of his stature, how the jocks didn’t like his perfect grades. Hanbin had sincerely listened, nodding and humming with a concerned face, and then had extended an invitation for Gunwook to join ZeroBase. He had some reservations - Gunwook was by far the youngest, and he was scared of going to such an isolated place - but he agreed. 

(“It’s good for you to have friends now, but I don’t like how they’re all older than you”, his mother had said. “And, honestly, they seem kind of deviant. You should keep your distance.”

Gunwook had only nodded in silence, hoping that the car ride to Jiwoong’s place would end soon.)

That was how he learned how all those minors could manage to find each other in such a dangerous area without adult supervision. They had a rigorous plan to get there. Jiwoong had absentee parents and an older brother who was more concerned by his young adult life than knowing whatever his baby brother was doing. So the two of them had agreed on an arrangement where the older would play the responsible adult with parents as long as they were around, and then was free to disappear far away. During which time the whole gang would hop on the bus, and have fun at ZeroBase. If any parent started to show signs of worry, Hanbin would charm them without fail with his kind, polite and responsible demeanor. At some point they didn’t even need the extra step anymore, a few of them able to go by themselves as they got older. Jiwoong and Hanbin were always there to accompany the kids, though. 

They even slept there, sometimes. All huddled together on the cold floor wrapped together in blankets they brought in, surrounded by trash that came from Gyuvin’s snacks and Taerae’s drinks. That was before Ricky refurbished the entire place and brought a couch and a bed to sleep in. Now, even if there wasn’t enough room for everyone to sleep on the mattress, the rugs kept them warm. 

Ricky was kind of an exception to the rule. If everyone else joined ZeroBase following some hardship, Ricky came as a plus one. He was perfectly happy, wasn’t in need in any way, shape or form, and it was only by some strange miracle that Ricky didn’t grow up to become an insufferable spoiled kid with no morals. No, he would have never ended up with them if it hadn’t been for Hao. 

Hanbin had brought them back one day, sheepish, presenting them as boys he met at uni. They were transfer students and needed some help to get familiar with things, he argued. Everyone could tell the real reason they ended up there, from the way Hao slyly grabbed Hanbin’s arm to Hanbin’s red ears, but no one made a fuss about it. Well, Taerae did, saying that their open flirting was giving him a rash, and Matthew lamented about losing his number one spot as Hanbin’s best friend, but that was in private, after the meeting was over. Everyone there loved Hanbin, after all, and if Hanbin loved someone, they had no choice but to accept him, too. The boys had confessed two months later, and had been going steady ever since. 

(Gunwook had had some trouble sleeping during their camping trip, and had decided to walk around under the moonlight to get some fresh mountain air. He froze when a nearby voice cut through the silent night, revealing two figures seated on the edge of a cliff. 

“I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re not enough”, Hanbin had said, continuing a conversation Gunwook hadn’t been privy to. 

Hao had turned his head towards their friend, sides pressing together as they got closer.

“How could I, when you look at me like this ?” he had whispered, closing the distance between their lips, and Gunwook slapped his hands on his eyes, doing everything to go back to his tent without making any noise.)

Anyway, what mattered was that Ricky came from old money and wasn’t used to the idea of sleeping on bare cement in a dusty abandoned basement. But instead of calling it quits, he decided that the world had to change to fit his tastes. After consulting with everyone to make sure he wasn’t overstepping, Ricky bought the whole building. It wasn’t that much, he had shrugged, explaining that with the issues that stopped development all those years ago he was investing at a loss even at such a low price. Gunwook thought what was and wasn’t a lot of money were very different for the two of them. 

(“Sometimes I worry about the building being torn down”, Taerae had sighed. “Imagine coming here, and finding nothing but construction workers.”

“If I buy it, then it won’t be a problem anymore, right ?” had asked Ricky. 

Everyone had laughed, except Hao. Then Ricky had called to enquire about the lot’s price, and nobody was laughing anymore. Ever since, there was a strange tension whenever Ricky joked about buying anything.)

After buying the building, Ricky made them all pick and choose what to get from the furniture to the paint on the walls. The result was horrendous, mismatched and too colorful, but they all loved it. There was a TV, a couch, an armchair, two tables, and a microwave-oven next to the sink and even a small fridge in the kitchen corner. Ricky had decided to add some walls to make a very small bedroom and bathroom. Gyuvin had worried that it would all cost too much, but Ricky only replied that the watch on his wrist was worth more than everything combined. Gyuvin didn’t object anymore. 

It only took a day for workers to swarm their place and transform everything. New walls had been built and painted, water pipes and electricity installed - they weren’t on the grid, because of regulations, so it was rain water from a tank and electricity from a bigger generator, but a whole little house was there now. Very illegal, all of this. Ricky had paid extra for the workers’ NDAs. Gunwook loved Ricky for who he was, of course. But he also loved to have running water and electricity, and he would be lying if he said it hadn’t been a huge part of what made him warm up to the newcomer two years ago. 

The place hadn’t changed much since. There were things appearing here and there ; Matthew’s fairy lights lined the walls and some of the furniture, changing the mood when they wanted something more cozy. Jiwoong’s baking set waited next to the oven for him to try - and, likely, fail - a new recipe. Gyuvin’s bag of dog food, pink bowl and dog bed to accommodate Eumppappa were scattered on the ground along with her toys now that he brought her along. Hanbin’s plushies were always close enough to grab and hug, Taerae and Ricky’s clothes were in an ever shifting pile for their weekly fashion shows, Hao’s signed kpop albums collection filled the shelves on the wall. 

Those things were as familiar to him as the couch, the table, and the kitchen sink. Everything here was comfortable like his own bedroom - except, ironically, the bed hidden in the small room. Hao had once hinted at him and Hanbin having their first time there, and the group, horrified, had sworn to never set foot inside it again. Yujin hadn’t been there for the revelation, and everyone except a smug Hao and a mortified Hanbin tried to convince him to avoid the room too without scarring him for life like they had been. 

(“I won’t take that kind of disrespect from someone who was still a virgin a month ago”, Jiwoong had huffed, redistributing the cards after Hao won. 

“I wasn’t a virgin when I met Hanbin”, Hao had protested, petulant. “And even if I was, our first time was on Halloween night, so it’s been way more than a month !”

“But we were all sleeping here on Halloween night ?” Taerae had said, confused. 

Gunwook could only stare in stunned silence at Hanbin’s crimson cheeks for the few seconds everyone needed to put two and two together. Gyuvin’s scream had made his left ear ring for the rest of the night.)

Yujin was their most recent addition, only a year ago. And this time, it had been Gunwook’s call. As he was fetching some supplies for a teacher in high school, he had noticed a teacher talking very inappropriately to a frightened student. Gunwook had barged in, channeled Gyuvin’s righteous anger to bypass the fear of standing up to authority, and made up some story about his physics teacher requesting their presence. Then he spent the rest of the hour in a toilet stall with Yujin using every psychological trick both Hanbin and his debate club had taught him to convince him to let Gunwook and his friends help. In the end he folded, and Jiwoong, as a law student, immediately made hellfire rain upon the culprit. Two months later, the teacher had lost their job, and Yujin was eating Gyuvin’s snacks on Ricky’s couch. 

(“She just asked me to call her noona”, Yujin had quietly said, folding the corner of his burger’s greasy paper. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“It was”, Jiwoong had insisted, sat on the ground next to them. “She knew exactly what she was doing, and it made you uncomfortable. Teachers should never act like this. It’s sexual harassment.”

“Is it, though…? She said it was just because I was cute.”

“If it was a male teacher asking one of the girls in your class to call him oppa because she’s cute, you’d find it gross, right ?” had argued Gunwook, sharing his fries with him. “It’s the same here. If it’s wrong for them, it’s wrong for you.”

“I guess… it did feel pretty gross”, Yujin had whispered, and Gunwook promised himself to always defend him against the world.)

Those were all the things he thought about as he settled into the couch, tugging Hao’s blanket over him as if it were a bedsheet. It smelled faintly of its owner’s perfume and Eumppappa’s paws. ZeroBase was always the place he could come back to when nothing else seemed to work. The place where Matthew taught him to do a proper workout, the place where Gyuvin hugged him the whole night when his crush rejected him, the place where even if they had fights they talked it out and fixed it all. Unlike what just happened with his parents. 

He blinked slowly, feeling himself drift away. He was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained. It was easier, here, surrounded by happy memories and familiar scents. With a sigh, Gunwook nestled deeper into the couch, tugging the plaid under his chin. Yes, when he was safe like this, it was perfect.

He could feel in his bones the next time they would all gather in this room, playing some party game on the small TV. Ricky would be showing off his basketball skills with the hoop next to the door, and look back excitedly to see if everyone admired his perfect throw. Only Gyuvin would be watching, because he always did, crushed between Yujin and Gunwook while they tried to mess with the other’s controller. Jiwoong would be at the back with Matthew, baking something delicious for everyone, and Hanbin and Hao would be sitting on each other in the armchair whispering secrets. Eumppappa would be on Taerae’s lap next to him, trying to snatch a snack exchanging hands. Laughter and screams, whining and singing, and… a motorcycle ? Wasn’t Matthew already inside with them ? How was he outside on his bike too ?

Gunwook suddenly opened his eyes to powerful light beams coming from the small window and the stained glass on the door. He felt heavy and sluggish, sucking on his teeth as he pushed himself upright on the couch. It was Matthew’s bike. Gunwook would recognize the sound even in his sleep, it seemed. A little out of it, Gunwook pat down his pockets until he found his phone. 4:38 AM. The notifications filled his screen at the same time that the lights outside turned off. 

Missed call : Matthew

Missed call : Hanbin (8)

Missed call : Taerae (2)

Missed call : Dad (3)

Missed call : Mom (16) 

Someone left a message ! Call back 123 to listen to (…)

Mattchu 💕 : I’m coming to get you. Don’t move. 

Hambin 🍀 : Please just say you’re okay. We’re (…)

Gyub : RESPOND RESPOND RESPOND RESP(…)

(ZeroBaseChat) Jjang : Okay. Keep us updated. God I hope he’s there (99+ unread messages)

Jiwoonie : If you need anything just call. I won’t (…)

Taelaevision : Why aren’t you picking up ?! Do you (…)

Yujin : are u up for a round of lol ? im bored

Oh. Oh, shit. 

An insane amount of guilt filled his body with each message preview. He made everyone so worried ! When he had just been sleeping for a few hours ! He had no time to fix it, though, as a key rattled before the door slammed open and the overhead lights flashbanged him. Gunwook winced, covering his eyes with his hand and looking down to escape the harsh lighting. 

“Gunwookie ! Oh, thank god”, exclaimed Matthew. 

“Hyung…”

Blinking with a groan, Gunwook noticed his screen lighting up again. A notification got bumped to the top. 

(ZeroBaseChat) Sunshine : Found him seems ok ttyl (99+ unread messages)

“Shit, Gunwook, you scared us so bad”, sighed Matthew, his steps getting closer. “We thought you had an accident or something. Are you okay ?”

“I’m sorry”, he apologized, squinting to look at Matthew properly. “I was just taking a nap and… I forgot to unmute my phone, I guess.”

“What happened ?” frowned his friend, sitting down next to him. “Your parents called Taerae’s. They said you stormed off like six hours ago and never came back.”

It made sense that they called Taerae’s parents, as they were practically neighbors. He could have simply walked there. 

“I did”, said Gunwook, his eyes finally getting used to the light. “I just…”

Matthew looked so worried, it actually made Gunwook flinch. His dirty blonde hair was sticking out in strange places, probably because of the helmet he wore on his way there. Or maybe it was because he had been abruptly woken up, if Gunwook was to believe the deep dark shadows under his unusually sharp eyes. He was still wearing his thick leather jacket and his driving gloves, a bulging backpack still firmly stripped on his shoulders. Matthew always tried to smile for others, and when he didn’t even bother to pretend, it knotted something in Gunwook’s stomach.

“I’m sorry I made you all worry about me, I didn’t expect my parents to call you”, he muttered, looking down once again.

“Hey, no, don’t apologize”, rejected Matthew, sitting more to the side to face him. “You didn’t know. We know you’d never ghost us on purpose like this, that’s exactly why we were so worried. I’ll tell everyone what happened.”

“Don’t, I should be the one to do it”, he said, shaking his head.

He opened up their group conversation, only seeing a tiny fraction of the insanity that unfolded if he was to trust the red 382 on the app’s icon. As soon as he pressed send, new messages flooded in so fast the conversation looked like an insta live. 

(ZeroBaseChat)

WookiePookie : Hey guys. I’m okay, and I’m sorry I didn’t respond to anyone. I was asleep. Matthew is with me now. I’m really so sorry about this

BingBing : Omg 😭😭😭

Eumppappa’s servant : FUCKKNG FIANLLY GOD

ManInLove : AAAAAHHHH

BingBing : First of all don’t apologize it’s okay 🫶💕

Jjang : Is everything okay ??? 

Eumppappa’s servant : NEVER FCUKING SLEEEP AGAIN

BingBing : We love you ❤️❤️❤️

JiwooNG : do u need us to call someone or bring you smth

ManInLove : Jeez next time you run away from home warn us at least

Eumppappa’s servant : IM CRYING RN YOU OWE ME SNACKS

BingBing : And we’re not upset ☺️☺️

Sunshine : Yeah someone pls call his parents so they don’t call the police

Gunwook looked up from his phone to find Matthew on his phone too, switching from conversation to conversation and sending quick messages. 

(ZeroBaseChat)

ManInLove : On it

WookiePookie : Anyway guys again I’m so sorry. I’m completely fine. I was just at ZeroBase. Is everyone awake because of me ? 

Eumppappa’s servant : YES

BingBing : Please don’t apologize 😭😭

Jjang : We called each other in case someone knew something 

ManInLove : Not everybody. Ricky didn’t wake up and Yujin passed out an hour ago

JiwooNG : its fine gunwook dw abt it

BingBing : Just get some rest now 💕💕

Jjang : Aren’t you cold ? Do you need us to bring you something ?

Sunshine : I’ll take it from here. Go back to bed everyone !!!!!

JiwooNG : thanks chu. gn evryone 

Eumppappa’s servant : This is NOT over. 

BingBing : Let’s all see each other at ZeroBase tomorrow alright ? ☺️🫶

Jjang : Yeah

ManInLove : +1

WookiePookie : Thanks guys. I love you. Good night 

“So”, started Matthew again, pocketing his phone. “Do you wanna talk about it ?”

Gunwook shook his head before even thinking about a proper answer, putting his phone away too. He didn’t want to think about all this. He knew he’d have to, at some point, if only because of those puppy eyes, but for now, it felt wrong.

“Alright”, his friend said softly. “You don’t have to. Can you tell me what you were looking for when you came here, though ?”

A small hand found its way into his. Gunwook looked down at the way his fingers closed over Matthew’s whole hand, fully covering him. They were used to skinship in their group. They all hugged, held hands, and even kissed on the cheek sometimes. It always felt more special when it was with Matthew, though. Something about the way they fit together. Something about touching his skin.

“I wanted to get away”, he confessed, his heart effortlessly opened by the point of contact between them.

“I get it”, Matthew hummed. “Do you feel like you went far enough ?”

Gunwook looked around him. Now that he could see, memories were replaced by reality. There was a stack of papers, homework, on the armchair. One of Ricky’s drawing tablets on the table. Hanbin’s dancing shoes, forgotten under the TV. Everyone was working towards their future. A tense feeling creeped under his skin, itching, twisting, making him want to run again.

“No.”

“Let’s go then.”

Matthew got up, tugging on Gunwook’s hand so that he would follow. He never forced him to do anything, maybe because they were about matched regarding strength - they still had regular matches to decide who would be the ultimate winner. Still, Matthew put in a lot more force than usual in his grip, not in a way that would constrict him, but instead steady him. It made Gunwook feel like he could shut off his brain and let someone decide for him. As he stretched a little to get his body more awake, Matthew folded the warm plaid and put it under his arm. 

“Where are we going ?” asked Gunwook, because that seemed like important information to have.

“To the beach.”

“Right now ?!”

“Yeah. Put this on, it’s cold outside.”

Already on the stairs, Matthew removed one arm from his backpack and opened it wide. There was another helmet there, and another leather jacket. It actually burst open when he touched the zipper. The helmet was way too big for such a small bag. Gunwook pulled out the jacket, the one Matthew always gave him when they went on his bike together. Too big for his smaller frame. Maybe he had bought it for Gunwook a year ago. Maybe not. Things were always a bit nebulous when it came to what Matthew did for him specifically, because it could just as well be for everyone in the group. He tried, and failed, to not dwell too much on it. With the bag now empty, Matthew stuffed the plaid inside. 

“Did you plan to bring me back home ?” asked Gunwook, putting on the jacket.

“I planned to take you anywhere you wanted”, he simply answered, opening the door for him.

Gunwook stumbled outside, the cold air of the night hitting him hard. The fog that hid everything before had faded away, leaving the sky open. Light pollution hid most of the stars that could have been seen between the buildings’ empty shells, and Gunwook couldn’t tell whether those huge patches of nothing were simply the sky or the invisible outline of a broken tower. He turned on his flashlight, spotting Matthew's bike right away. It was old, inherited from his father, and the motor made a sound that Gunwook came to love. Every other bike sounded awful to his ears, but when this one roared, it filled him with elation.

“Are you really okay to drive ?” he asked Matthew, who was locking the door behind him. “It’s very late. Or very early.”

“Of course. You think I’d take you out on the road if I couldn’t see straight ? Hanbin hyung would kill me.”

“He would”, Gunwook nodded sagely.

“Don’t worry, I slept enough already. Actually, there’s a funny story behind this”, he mentioned absentmindedly, grabbing the helmet abandoned on the bike’s seat.

“Oh yeah ? What kind of story ?” he asked, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Well, my sister was supposed to make dinner, right ? But I thought, oh, I should bake some pastries for dessert. That makes sense, right ?”

“Right”, agreed Gunwook, finishing to put on his own helmet.

“So I did that, but, I read the recipe wrong and made, like, ten times more dough than I was supposed to.”

“Ten ?!”

“So after that we decided to only eat those and forget about dinner”, laughed his friend, his cheeks squished by the sides of the helmet. “So I went to bed early !”

There. That smile, that giggle, that was the Matthew that wasn’t deadly worried about Gunwook's safety. He liked that one a lot more. Feeling better himself, he waited for Matthew to get on his bike and turn on the ignition before climbing behind him. The machine swayed a little as he threw his leg over the backseat, and Matthew turned his head towards him, now only an outline of his helmet against the headlight.

“Remember, if you need me to stop-”

“I tap on your thigh, if you tap on mine I hold you tight”, recited Gunwook. “I know, we’ve been doing this for years.”

“Better safe than sorry.”

“I’m with you. Of course I’m safe.”

Gunwook couldn’t see anything of Matthew’s face, blinded by the stark white of the headlight reflecting on ZeroBase’s window. So he couldn’t really tell what it meant, when his friend froze for a second, as if he was searching for something under Gunwook’s half lowered visor.

“Yeah, you are”, he finally agreed, turning back and kicking the stand.

The bike roared uselessly loud, the sound reverberating in the empty spaces of the gutted offices around them. Gunwook looped his arms around Matthew’s waist, the wheel hissed against the gravel, and they were gone, zooming past the ghost town.

The roads were empty. It was such an off-peak hour, the highway was bare, letting them freely travel down to the coast. It would take them an hour, maybe less, and Gunwook had been afraid of the cold but he had quickly reconsidered. Matthew was shielding him from the wind, even with his smaller frame, and when he was pressed against his back like this, he could even feel warm. They swayed together to follow the curves of the road, alone on the highway that was about to become packed with workers traveling to and from the city for their jobs. At some point, Gunwook let go of Matthew, straightening back up and grabbing the small back handle as he looked around.

It was hypnotic, the way the streetlights aligned themselves in the dark, a new yellow dot appearing after each one they passed. Nothing existed beyond the road, pools of light drawing their path in the middle of the void. Cold wind whipped at his sides, pressed his leather jacket on his chest, hissed against his closed helmet. Driving with Matthew around cars always made him too afraid to relax his grip on his hyung’s waist. But there, alone, in this liminal space, he could look around, a hand on Matthew’s hip and another on the metal bar as they sped down the road. The motor loudly echoed through the night, and yet Gunwook only heard a distant, muffled version of it.

Quiet in the place of chaos. 

Speed in a land of stillness. 

Freedom. 

That was what he seeked, what he needed, what managed to appease the beast of anguish roaming beneath the surface. It felt better, it felt good, it filled his lungs and cleared his mind, it left him far from his anxieties. Far, far away. From his parents, from school, from ZeroBase. There was no responsibility here, no need to think about the past or the future. 

Present was freedom, and home was fear. 

Matthew tapped Gunwook’s thigh, pulling him out of that strange state of epiphany. Usually Matthew only did it when he was about to speed between cars to pass them, so it was unexpected. Regardless, he hugged him tight, and the motor under his butt vibrated harder as Matthew turned the handle. Details blurred around them, lights turned to shooting stars in the sky, and adrenaline flooded his system as the bike kept on picking up speed. They were going too fast, and it was completely irresponsible, but under Gunwook’s arms, Matthew’s torso shook and spasmed. He was laughing. And he didn’t need to hear it to feel its effect ; Gunwook’s smile pushed his cheeks against the helmet, and soon he was laughing too, screaming as if he was on a rollercoaster. Gunwook thought he hated those. He must have been wrong. 

Finally the road started curving again, and Matthew slowed down, bringing them back to a more reasonable pace. Gunwook didn’t relax his grip around him, though. He stayed folded around his hyung, their helmets sometimes bumping together. Gunwook’s chest felt strange, light, as if he had just cried. He couldn’t believe just how miserable he had been a few hours before. It all felt meaningless now, when Matthew brought him peace and joy. 

They finally reached their beach. Theirs, because it was only a small sand cavity in an otherwise rocky shore, far away from the path with only an animal’s trail getting them close enough to climb down to it. Gyuvin was the one to discover it and share its location, during one of his expeditions to take pictures of birds with Taerae. Ever since, they had gathered there in the summer, playing in the sea during the day and snuggling up to each other under huge beach towels during the night. Bottles kept cool in the shade and sandy sandwiches, parasols flying away and inflatable balloons lost to the sea, sunscreen and sunburns, salt and laughter. So many memories living there and waiting to be created, between those rough cliffs of dark stone. 

Matthew had left his bike down the road where the path diverged, leading Gunwook by the hand as he lit up the way with his phone’s flashlight. The dark forest they had to walk through was scary, eerily silent and menacing, but Matthew was happily chatting without a care in the world, and it made everything safer. They descended carefully down the rocks, firmly holding each other, and then they were faced with the sea, strangely calm and silent. There was no moon to make the ripples sparkle, but some stars still glistened in the sky, far from the city’s light pollution. Gunwook grabbed a handful of driftwood that had been carried there by the waves, and, under Matthew’s light, he added them to the charred remains of their pit fire. They always kept the tools to light it up under a rock, and all taught each other how to do it. Soon, the white wood was burning, and Matthew turned off his phone, leaving them with the weak glow of fire. 

When Matthew sat down in front of it, Gunwook couldn’t help but sit behind him and drag him in his arms, draping himself over his hyung’s smaller frame. It was an instinct, a desire born out of habit and comfort. They all hugged each other, although some hugs were better than others. It was known that Hanbin gave the best hugs, but others, like Gunwook and Gyuvin, still prefered Matthew. There was something about the size difference, Gunwook thought. About how perfectly Matthew fit against his chest, how small but firm he was under his arms, how when Matthew hugged back, he could hold him so tight and lift him off the ground. 

Something about how happy it made him. 

Matthew took off his bag before getting pressed against him, pulling out Hao’s plaid. A moment later, they were both draped under it, chest against back, limbs tangled as they shared warmth. It was only them in the almost completely dark beach, the only sound around them the regular crashing of the waves, the only light the fire heating their front. In this comfortable silence, Gunwook played with Matthew’s hands under the covers. His fingers were so short compared to his. His palm fit so well over his. It made Gunwook feel at the right place at the right time. 

Matthew was safety, Matthew was kindness, Matthew was peace. 

“It was about school.”

Matthew turned his head to the side to look at him, shifting a little. Under the fire’s low light, his usually cheerful, round face was sharp and serious. His eyes were darkened by the dancing flame as he hummed, encouraging Gunwook to continue. Their hands were warm together, tight, secure. 

“You know what we decided, with Hao hyung, Hanbin hyung and Gyuvin hyung. That we would do what made us happy for our studies together ? That we would go for the arts along with Ricky even though it’s not what our parents hoped for us ?”

“Yeah, I know”, softly confirmed Matthew. “Did you tell your parents ?”

Gunwook nodded, swallowing down the increasingly uncomfortable knot in his throat. Matthew frowned in worry, his thumb rubbing Gunwook’s knuckles, and it helped. 

“They, uh, they didn’t take it well. At all. They screamed a lot. Said I was ruining my life.”

“You can’t ruin your life doing what you love”, countered Matthew without raising his voice. “But getting into a medical field when you don’t want to, that would be ruining your life.”

“They said I’d never make enough money to support them when they’re old. That I’m ungrateful, because they sacrificed so much for me, and I’m not thinking of them at all…”

“Aren’t they the ones supposed to support you ? What was the point of sacrificing anything if it was for you to suffer like them all over again ? And don’t you have a lot of brothers anyway ? Isn’t it enough with them ?”

“You’re from Canada, hyung”, sighed Gunwook. “You don’t get it. It’s really important.”

“Well maybe I don’t get it. But I think that your happiness is more important than giving your parents money. If that’s what they want I’ll just ask Ricky to write them a check or something.”

“Hyung…”

“No. You cried so much, Gunwook. You were breaking under the pressure. I can’t let them push you back into this headspace. I never want to see you hurt like this again.”

Gunwook curled up even more around Matthew, letting his head fall on the shoulder covered by his leather jacket. It smelled like his bike, and the perfume Jiwoong offered him for his birthday. A cheek pressed against Gunwook’s, nuzzling softly there. 

“I’m sorry”, muttered Gunwook, his throat feeling raw. 

“Please stop apologizing”, he said, so low his vocal fry appeared. “You always do that. Don’t apologize for having emotions.”

Tears suddenly filled his eyes, and he held Matthew tighter, probably crushing him. He didn’t complain. 

“But I put so much on you”, gritted out Gunwook, trying to not sob. “I always need your help. It’s so unfair ! If I was stronger, then, I could take care of everyone.”

“You’re already giving us so much, Gunwook. You just can’t see how happy you make us. Hanbin wouldn’t have had the courage to switch majors without you going with him into dancing, for example. You know that, right ?”

“Mmh.”

“And you’re still a teenager. It’s not a time for you to be strong. It’s a time to be vulnerable enough to learn about yourself and others. That’s why we’re all here. So we can get through the pain of our youth together, surrounded by people who love us. So that we are not alone.”

For the second time that night, Gunwook was crying. He sniffed and stopped breathing, setting his jaw to keep it under control. Matthew had already seen him ugly cry, a lot ; and he had always been a wonderful friend in those times. But this time, he didn’t want this kind of comfort. This time, Gunwook wanted to speak with him, not just dump his emotions on him and move on once he was soothed. So he breathed again, controlling himself, and Matthew waited, their faces hot where they touched. 

“I’m an adult, though”, he managed to say after a while. “And I have to make adult decisions.”

He expected Matthew to protest, to say that he was still a baby, but it didn’t happen. 

“I know. But adult doesn’t necessarily mean cruel or sad. Being an adult should never be a reason to hurt yourself.”

“Hyung… I’m not giving up.”

“You’re still going with Hanbin ?”

Gunwook nodded, the last of his tears dropping down on the leather. 

“I made my decision back then with them. We promised. But… it’s scary. I’m scared.”

“It’s okay. We’re all scared. And we’re all here to remind each other of what’s important.”

“What if we drift apart ?” he whispered, the words blasphemous on their beach with Matthew in his arms. “What if I end up alone again ?”

“It won’t happen”, Matthew asserted, final. “But even if it does, you won’t ever be alone again, because I’m here. I’ll always be by your side. Always.”

Those words felt so sweet, so soothing, and Gunwook once again wondered if this was something only he could get. If this was just Matthew being Matthew, offering support to any of his friends, or if it was Matthew talking to Gunwook, stating something special and unique. It felt greedy to wish for it to be the latter. A strange kind of greed whose source he couldn’t pinpoint. 

“Thank you, hyung. I’ll always be there for you, too. I promise.”

Gunwook raised his head to look at him, and oh, he was so close. They were pressed against each other, after all. Matthew’s face filled his vision, his soft skin a warm orange from the fire. The flame danced in his eyes, a bright light reflected on his dark pupils. His eyebrows were tense, betraying how concerned, how sincere he was, but lower, his lips curled up in a small hopeful smile. Gunwook loved it. He loved the happy curve of his lips more than anything in the world. 

Gunwook wanted to kiss Matthew. 

Gunwook breathed in, feeling hot coals burn under his skin. He wanted to kiss Matthew, he wanted the leather coat he was wearing to have been bought for him, he wanted Matthew to only promise him to stay by his side. It was so obvious, in hindsight. Gunwook always thought he was pretty smart, but, as it turned out, he could be pretty dumb. 

“… Gunwook ?” Matthew asked carefully, confused by all the staring. 

He hid his face away, falling back on Matthew’s shoulder but this time looking to the side. Maybe the rocks could help Gunwook deal with the sudden realization that he had a huge crush on his hyung. 

“Sorry, just a minute.”

“Alright. Take your time.”

It made a lot of sense. Everything made a lot of sense. So much sense in fact that some of Hao and Hanbin’s whispers when Matthew and him snuggled on the couch for movie night started to make sense as well, just like Jiwoong’s recent monologue about loving him as he was and the importance of accepting oneself. Maybe it was so obvious it was obvious to them, too. Maybe he was the last one aware of his own infatuation. A branch cracked and collapsed in the fire, making Gunwook aware of his body once more. 

Was it okay to keep holding Matthew like this ? Suddenly, what felt pure and comfortable was overlaid with hidden intentions and a brand new kind of tension. But they were still friends. Matthew still liked his hugs, and Gunwook still could hold him without making it weird. It was exactly the same as a minute before, even if everything was different now. Gunwook simply had to accept that with understanding came responsibility. He was an adult, after all. And for this too, he could make his own decisions. 

His first decision was to not act on it for at least a day or two. He lacked sleep, emotions were running high, and he had to make sure he didn’t mess everything up by accident. His second decision was to get Hanbin alone to have a long, important discussion about Matthew, liking boys, and what to do if things didn’t work out. And finally, Gunwook’s last decision was to still love him as a friend no matter what. Because Matthew was too precious to lose, and he cherished him way beyond what they could ever become. 

“Alright, I’m here now”, he sighed, raising his head once again but this time to look out at the sea, not Matthew - Gunwook was strong and focused, but not to the point of risking it again. 

“Welcome back. Are you feeling okay ?”

“Yeah. Actually, uh- the school stuff… that’s how it started, but not why I left.”

“No ?” said Matthew, and he could hear the frown in his voice. “Then why ? Did it escalate ?”

“They started saying that I got like this ever since I started to hang out with you all, especially since Hao and Ricky joined. I mean, you know, they always blame a lot of stuff on you… they like Hanbin and all but they don’t like that there’s…”

“Foreigners. I know.”

Gunwook sighed. This wasn’t the first time he had talked about his family disapproving of Matthew, Ricky and Hao. It still made him feel bad, though. 

“This time they got really upset. Saying insults and slurs and stuff. So, I usually don’t, but I started screaming back.”

“You ?!” exclaimed Matthew, shocked. 

“Yeah, I know”, he chuckled. “Of course it only made things worse. My mom said that if I hated Korean values so much, I could go live with you instead. So I just said… Okay, they treat me better anyway. And I left.”

“Oh wow. Oh wow”, repeated Matthew, and even from the corner of his vision he could tell his eyes were bulging out. “You stood up to them that hard ? What happened to you ?! Are you okay ?”

“No, I’m not okay. But what could I do ? Let them insult you ? It’s not right. It never was. I know I can’t change them, but… hyung, they were being so cruel. I imagined you could hear them and I snapped. When I left I just… couldn’t stop crying. I was so mad about what they said, and so afraid of my future, and so hurt, and I just… I just wanted to go home.”

Go back home. Go back to ZeroBase. Gunwook sat with this thought as he watched the black waves hit the sand over and over beyond the fire pit, the feeling settling in his chest. The place he could always go back to, where family was waiting for him, where a warm meal could make him feel like a kid again and where he could truly be loved as himself. His home. His true home. 

And this was a scary thought, too. Because he would always be his parents’ son, but with friends, he could become nothing more than a memory, someone they used to know back when they were young. But Matthew promised. And regardless of whether or not he meant it as a friend, he meant it. Gunwook would trust him with his life, and he was starting to right now, just a little bit. 

Matthew squeezed his hand. Gunwook knew he was going to be okay. 

“Do you want to go home now ?” asked Matthew, soft. 

“Our home”, he insisted. 

“Of course. I’ll get Taerae to grab some of your stuff so you can stay as long as you want. Should we go now ?”

“In a minute”, whispered Gunwook, closing his eyes. “I want to stay here a bit longer.”

Because the sound of the waves washed away his worries, because Matthew was warm against him, because the sky was turning blue beyond the sea and they could watch the sunrise together. 

Because even though Gunwook was confused and lost, when he held Matthew, he knew he was in the right place at the right time. 

The ride back wasn’t as magical or exciting as it had been the first time. The cold morning sun colored everything in pale blue, and the road was filled with cars starting their day. Matthew didn’t speed, and Gunwook didn’t look around. He was tired, after all of this. So tired he almost fell down when he got off the bike, so tired he passed out as soon as he laid down on the couch, barely registering Matthew putting Hao’s plaid on him after shaking away what little sand was left. Finally, everything was perfect. Gunwook fell asleep peacefully.

“Pak Geonu !!”

Drowsy, Gunwook opened his eyes. The sun was high outside, filling the room with a bright light. The sweet scent of cinnamon rolls was filling the room, and when he blinked to chase away the blur in his vision, he saw Hao rushing to him with extended hands. His hyung kneeled in front of him, cupping his face and turning it side to side as if to examine him. Back at the stairs, Hanbin was carrying too many bags, walking down carefully. 

“Are you okay ? How are you feeling ?”

“We were so careful to not wake him up and you just barge in screaming his name”, groaned Taerae, somewhere in his back. 

“Well how am I supposed to give him my unconditional love if he’s asleep ?” protested Hao, but Gunwook could tell he was embarrassed. 

“Let me through !! My son needs me !!”

Gunwook barely had the time to shriek before Gyuvin jumped down the stairs and up the couch, body slamming into him with a punched-out grunt. Less delicate hands replaced Hao’s, squishing Gunwook’s cheeks and turning his head so that they could be face to face at an uncomfortably close distance. 

“Gunwook I love you I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIlov-”

“I wove wou two”, replied Gunwook, feeling his protruding lips move as if he was a fish. 

“Do you know how much I love you ?! Do you feel my love right now ?!”

“Alright, give him some space kiddo”, said Jiwoong, appearing above Gyuvin from the backrest and tugging him away by the collar.

Gyuvin dragged Gunwook up with him, the plaid falling down to his hips as they sat up next to each other. His big hands were now on Gunwook’s shoulders, starting one of his famous massages. Above them, someone ruffled Gunwook’s hair. Probably Jiwoong. 

“You’re so tense”, frowned Gyuvin, expertly pressing his thumbs at the back of his neck. “I’ll take care of it. My son must always be relaxed.”

“Geonuku, your nail polish is all chipped !” gasped Hao, shortly grabbing his hand before getting up again. “That won’t do. Let me grab my nail care kit.”

He went back to the pile of bags now abandoned at the bottom of the stairs, where Ricky was stepping down and Yujin closed the door behind them. Hanbin then blocked his view, a worried pout on his face as he sat down next to Gunwook in a perfect mirror of Gyuvin on his other side.

“I’m sorry we woke you up. Do you need more rest ?”

“No, it’s okay”, he lied. 

He did want to go back to sleep, but he wanted to be with them even more. Hanbin beamed at him, his whisker dimples appearing. 

“Great ! Matthew told us you’d want to stay here for a while, so we brought everything to have a sleepover.”

“By the way, I went to your place and got a bag ready for you”, said Taerae from his back. “I put it in the bedroom.”

“Ew ! Not the bedroom !” Gyuvin loudly exclaimed.

“It’s clean ! Stop acting like that !” complained Hanbin, ears red. 

“Gunwook”, Ricky quietly said, kneeling down in front of him with soft eyes. “I’m so sorry I didn’t wake up for you. What do you want to eat tonight ? Go wild. I’ll buy it for you and everyone.”

“No, you don’t have to”, laughed Gunwook. 

“I don’t have to, but I want to”, insisted Ricky. “Please let me do this for you.”

Gunwook searched for support from the two Bins surrounding him. Gyuvin was looking down at Ricky with a dumb smile, smitten, and Hanbin nodded encouragingly with a grin. Well then. 

“Okay, then. Thank you. So, uh… what about sushi ? Everyone down with that ?”

A chorus of agreements filled the room, and Ricky got up with a smile, pulling out his phone to place an order right away as he sat down next to Gyuvin. From then on, the massage got a lot worse. Gyuvin was very bad at multitasking and Ricky always owned half of his attention. Looking up, Gunwook locked eyes with Yujin, who was awkwardly waiting on the side. He wasn’t good at displays of affection, and he was younger, so doting on him like the hyungs did could be hard. Instead, Gunwook smiled and waved at him, acknowledging his attempt at being there, and Yujin waved back, reflecting his smile before going to the kitchen. Suddenly, Gunwook’s hand was snatched by Hao.

“There. Don’t move”, he demanded, sitting down on Hanbin’s lap and setting a handbag filled with beauty products on his own thighs. “I’ll take care of it.”

The smell of acetone replaced the one of cinnamon rolls, even though Taerae and Jiwoong were joining them, carefully setting down bottles of zero cola and plates of freshly baked pastries on the table. Yujin followed closely with an armful of glasses and plates, and with him there, they were all ready to have a good time. All except one. 

Gunwook turned around to search for Matthew, and he found him immediately on a barstool next to the sink, already looking at him with a fond smile. Gunwook ignored Hao’s whining at his movement just like he ignored the cold, sticky feeling of fresh nail polish on the side of his finger. He was too busy feeling the slight jump in his heart, the happiness of finding Matthew staring, the giddiness of realizing that he hadn’t been wrong back at the beach. Oh, Gunwook was about to become a giggly mess next to him. Taerae would never let him live it down. Foolishly grinning, he motioned for his hyung to come, and Matthew obliged, skipping to get behind his back. 

“You slept well ?” he asked, leaning on the backrest to see him better. 

“Great, thank you ! Are you coming with us ?”

“There’s no more room”, he laughed. 

At this, Gunwook spread his legs as far as he could with the boys bracketing him, and tapped the free space he created to invite him in. Matthew laughed harder, and climbed over the couch to plop down in his place. The clear protective nail polish ripped all over Gunwook’s hand, and Hao screeched like a pterodactyl. 

“You guys are sabotagizing my work !!”

“Sabotaging”, corrected Hanbin with that fond tone he only reserved for him. 

“Sabotaging !” repeated Hao, still upset. 

“Sorry hyung”, beamed Matthew, not sorry at all. “Gunwook, we cooked all morning to make those ! We used the extra dough I told you about ! Give it a try !”

Matthew grabbed one of them, Gyuvin’s big hands already holding five bite-sized pieces and shoving one of each type in Ricky’s hands. Jiwoong and Yujin were pouring drinks from the armchair usually reserved for their resident couple, and Taerae was sitting on his personal ottoman, tuning the guitar on his thighs. 

“There, this one ! You like cinnamon rolls, right ?” exclaimed his crush, holding the pastry up to his mouth. 

Gunwook bit into it, letting the soft, delicious sweetness warm him up as he closed his eyes. He had an arm around Matthew’s waist, keeping the boy he liked close to him. His other hand was occupied with Hao cleaning up the mess Matthew caused, and something told him his hyung was set for a full beauty routine today whether he liked it or not. Hanbin had sneaked an arm behind Gunwook’s back while Gyuvin massaged him clumsily, and Ricky talked with Yujin about the menu for the night. Taerae plucked a few strings, starting the melody of Gunwook’s favorite song, and Jiwoong joined in singing the tune, his mouth half full. 

That day, cinnamon rolls became his favorite food. 

The one that made him think of home.