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I'm worried about Brynjolf. He seems different now. Ever since he went away with that new recruit, Kimani, and returned with Karliah. Who would have thought that Mercer Frey actually killed Gallus and doublecrossed the whole guild.
Still, I don't understand why Brynjolf has changed. He is quiet, and he wears this hood now, that he never seems to take off. As if he is hiding. When I look at him, I want to... but no, that would be a very bad idea. Besides, if it's true about him and Tonilia... I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of that woman.
I can't help watching him while I sit on my bed, pretending to read. He is at the Guild Master's desk, doing whatever. There's always books and numbers, and other stuff I don't understand. Brynjolf is smart. Sometimes I wish I was smart. Maybe I could find out where I'm from if I were smart.
'Hello, Rune.'
She startled me.
'Hello, Kimani.' Someone said that she will be the next Guild Master. But that can't be right. Brynjolf is the new Guild Master, surely.
'How are you, sister in crime?' I try to be kind to her, but to be honest, I am a bit afraid of her. She is frightening. There's talk of her being Dragonborn.
She smiles, but even her smile seems too intense and at the same time as if she doesn't really mean it. Maybe it's because she's a Bosmer. Still, Niruin is not like that. Though I'm never really sure what he thinks either.
'I am curious,' she says, eying me kindly. Or so it seems. 'Where did you get your name? It's quite unusual.'
I smile and tell her about how I was found in the wreck of a ship, carrying only a smooth stone with runes on it.
'Even the Mages at Winterhold didn't know what they are,' I say. The man I called father, the fisherman who found me, said I don't need to know who my parents were. I always thought he was wrong, but never said so. He was good to me, even if we were so poor I was driven to this life as a thief. That wasn't his fault. I still miss him every now and then.
Kimani promises to look out for clues. I doubt she will ever find any, but it is kind of her and I thank her. When she leaves and I look over at the Guild Master's desk, Brynjolf is gone. I feel a bit empty.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Brynjolf is at the desk again when I enter later that evening.
'I got some good stuff,' I say to him, coming over. I show him the purse with jewels I pickpocketed from a rich lady who was visiting the Bee and Barb. He looks up and smiles a bit, but his eyes seem sad.
'Well done, lad,' he says. I like that he calls me lad, but sometimes I wish he would call me Rune.
'Are you alright?' I blurt out before my brain catches up. I sound worried and I hate myself for it. He must never know.
To my surprise he smiles a bit wider.
'I'm just tired,' he says, putting down his quill. 'This Guild Master work is a lot to handle.' He sighs and stretches his arms. I imagine how his muscles bulge and look away. 'I don't like it one bit.'
That has me looking back at him.
'You don't? But you are our new Guild Master.'
He shakes his head.
'No, laddie, I'm just filling in temporarily.'
'Oh.' I feel stupid for not knowing what to say. Brynjolf deserves to be Guild Master, but if he doesn't want to be... 'I'm sorry you have to do it, if you don't like it.' I curse myself again for saying stupid things.
The corners of his eyes crinkle, but he doesn't really smile.
'Thank you, lad.'
'Maybe you should take a break, have a mead. We could sit in the Flagon for a bit.' I feel my cheeks grow hot. It's ridiculous. A man can ask a mate to have a drink, right. It doesn't have to mean anything. Only, to me it does. They must never know.
Brynjolf is quiet for a moment.
'You know,' he says then. 'I think you are right. Lead on.'
We go to the Flagon and sit down with a few bottles. Just when I am trying to find something to say, Delvin joins us. I'm not sure whether I hate that or am relieved. Both maybe. Delvin and Brynjolf start to talk about Guild things and I just sit there. I feel left out and happy at the same time. I don't really understand. They aren't paying me any attention, yet knowing that Brynjolf is sitting next to me makes me feel warm. I wish I could do something to make him feel better. I just get him another bottle and push a bowl of stew towards him. He eats it. That's good. I smile quietly into my mead.
Suddenly there's a hand on my shoulder. I look up, startled. It's Brynjolf. He has gotten up. He pushes his hood back and smiles at me, though his eyes still seem sad.
'Thanks for being a good friend, Rune,' he says and walks away. I look after him with my mouth slightly open. He called me by my name.
The thud of a mug being put down makes me jerk my eyes back to the table. Delvin is watching me.
'You know, Rune,' he says. 'Sometimes people don't see what's right in front of them.' He shakes his head. 'Or maybe they do see, but don't *see*. If you know what I mean.' He looks at me expectantly. I look back. I have no idea what he is talking about.
He shakes his head again, smiling.
'Maybe I'll talk to him,' he mumbles to himself. Then he is distracted because Vex enters and, as always, he has to try and flirt with her. I shrug and finish my mead.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
'Rune.' A hand falls on my shoulder just when I am taking a bite of cheese. I half choke on it.
'Och, I'm sorry, lad.' Brynjolf sits down next to me, patting me on the back while I cough. I catch my breath and his hand lingers a bit before he takes it away. 'You alright?'
I nod, gesture at the food Thrynn, of all people, had put on the long table this morning.
'Have your breakfast.'
He chuckles and takes some bread.
'Seems we haven't really spoken in some time,' he says with his mouth full.
'I don't talk much,' I shrug.
He looks at me.
'Yeah, you do,' he says. 'You always have a kind word for people.'
I don't know what to say so I duck my head. I may have a kind word, but it's not often much more than a word.
'So much has happened,' Brynjolf ponders. 'Mercer betrayed us all, and we thought it was Karliah.'
'We couldn't have known,' I said. 'Mercer fooled all of us, even Gallus.'
Brynjolf's face cruches as if he hurts.
'You weren't here yet,' he says. It doesn't sound like an accusation. 'But Gallus was a good man. He took me in, you know. I was but a lad of thirteen, drifting on the streets of Windhelm.'
'He was like a father to you,' I say, suddenly understanding. He nods, one corner of his mouth tips up a bit.
'And then we lost him to treachery. And Mercer took his place.' Brynjolf chews a piece of dried meat. 'He was not like Gallus, but still he took care of the Guild. Or so we thought.'
'And now you lost him too,' I say, surprising myself. My hand is halfway to his arm before I can stop myself. I fumble to try and mask the movement. A fork drops to the floor, I dive to get it. When I get up again, face red, Brynjolf is staring into his mug of tea.
'Yeah,' he says, quietly. He shivers, even though it isn't that cold.
'I nicked a polar bear pelt from a merchant last week,' I say. Then I stutter to a stop. What am I saying? Like he needs my stupid gifts when he's a top class thief.
It is silent for a while. He doesn't look at me. Oh gods, I think. This is it. This is when he realizes and hits me in the face. I won't fight him.
The only thing that happens is that he shudders and abruptly stands, dropping a plate in the action.
'I have to go,' he says. His voice sounds strained. He walks away quickly.
I drop my face into my hands. He knows. He knows and he's too kind to hit me. Maybe he will just banish me from the Guild. He is still acting Guild Master after all.
'You are very sweet.'
Karliah's voice is so soft it is hard to believe she had been plotting revenge on Mercer for so long. Her red eyes, when she looks at me, seem different from Kimani's. Softer.
'I'm not,' I say defensively. My hand clenches around a knife my fingers find on the table. The cold metal reminds me that I'm tough.
Karliahs sits down across from me. She watches me.
'It's not an insult,' she says with a slight curl to her mouth. 'It's a compliment. In fact, I think you're the kindest person here, even more than Delvin.'
'Delvin?' I can't help but ask. Gruff Delvin, always pestering Vex with his unwanted attentions?
Karliah smiles.
'Yes, Delvin. He hides it well, but he has a kind heart.'
'Huh,' I say. Delvin's tough, an old hand at the trade. His brother used to be in the Guild as well, but he left.
'A kind thief,' I say, trying for humour.
'We're all just people,' she answers. 'Thieves, merchants, warriors, mothers, farmers. Some are bitter, some are proud, some are sweet and some are evil.
'I'm not sweet,' I protest again, suddenly very scared that she can see into my heart. My blasted soft heart that I try to protect so much. My stupid heart that wants to hold Brynjolf, keep him warm and happy.
'As you wish,' she says. She's still looking at me, and I just know she sees right through me.
'Please,' I whisper, not knowing what I'm asking.
She puts her hand on my arm.
'Why are you so afraid?' she asks.
'I'm not afraid,' I say weakly. Who am I kidding? I've been afraid for years. At home, that anyone would find out I wasn't really watching the girls. Then at the Guild. Brynjolf. Somehow, weird enough, it was easier when he was happy and flirting with girls. I knew where I stood, and he didn't need me. But now he seems sad, and I want, need to help him feel better. Maybe if he found a wife... Suddenly a thought strikes me. Maybe that is why Brynjolf is sad now. Maybe he has his eye on someone who doesn't see him. Maybe... My eyes grow wide.
'Maybe it's you,' I say to Karliah before I can stop myself.
'Me?' She frowns. 'Are you afraid of me?'
'Afraid? No, I'm not afraid of you.' Strange, that. She is someone you should be weary off. 'Maybe Brynjolf...'
Her eyes widen. She lifts her hand.
'Stop there,' she says. Then she laughs, a soft tinkling sound. 'Oh, dear boy, were you going to suggest Brynjolf is … interested in me?'
I blush at her mocking tone.
'Or Kimani?' I try to sound self-assured. 'Something happened when you went after Mercer and now he's sad.'
She smiles at me, and it doesn't seem mocking now.
'He seems sad, yes. But I am quite sure it's not because he pines after me or Kimani.'
'Oh.'
We sit in silence.
'I'm not sure he realizes,' Karliah says after a while. I look at her with wide eyes.
'Please don't tell him,' I whisper urgently. Then I hear what I said, and how it could confirm any suspicions. 'I mean...'
She smiles at me again. It makes me feel like I'm a child. But then I remind myself that she is a whole lot older than me even if she doesn't look it.
'That's not what I meant,' she says, getting up. 'Don't worry, my dear boy.' She bends over and kisses me on my forehead before silently disappearing into the tunnel to the exit. When I get up as well, shaking on the inside, my eyes fall on a still figure at the other side. Brynjolf stands watching. When he sees me noticing, he turns around abruptly and goes hastily through the door to the Ragged Flagon.
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I stay out late that day, trying to mark people but failing. Someone always seems to see me, and the guards are starting to actively follow me. I am sure most of them know who we are, but as long as we don't do anything openly, they look the other way. Maybe I need to move to another city for a while. Back to Windhelm? My heart clenches at the thought. It seems such a bleak city. And leaving the Guild, leaving Brynjolf.
I feel heavy when I finally enter the cistern. My Guild mates are already asleep. I quietly walk over to the table to see if there are any scraps left.
'You're late.'
I squeak. There is no other word for it.
'Bryn...' I manage to utter. His dark form moves from the shadows.
'I thought you had left.' His voice sounds strange.
'I did. I was out all day, but...' My shoulders sag. 'I have nothting to show for it. I'm sorry.'
He makes a choked sound and steps very close.
'No, I thought you had left. Left.'
'Oh.' I suddenly understand. The heaviness inside me grows. 'I'm sorry,' I say again. 'I will pack my stuff and leave now if you want.'
'What? No!'
Thrynn, who lies nearby, stirs in his sleep.
Brynjolf is so close to me that he almost pushes against me. I can hardly draw breath.
'Don't leave,' he says urgently. 'I'm sorry.'
I frown at him.
'You're sorry? For what?'
'I...' He looks around, then grabs my arm. 'Please come with me.'
He all but drags me to the training room. He lets go of me and takes a deep breath.
'Look, Rune, I know I have been unfair to you lately. You have been nothing but kind and I have avoided you.'
'Avoided me?' I don't understand what he is saying. 'You've been busy, you don't have to pay any attention to me.'
Suddenly he looks sad again.
'Rune.' He stops. Strange, now that he is using my name, I wish he'd call me lad, so I'd know everything would be alright again. He raises his arms and starts plucking at his hair. I notice he is not wearing his hood.
'I'm glad you're not wearing your hood,' I say, stupidly. When will I learn to think before I speak?
He stops his movements, stares at me.
'Why?' he asks. 'Niruin always wears his hood.'
'I guess,' I say vaguely, hoping he won't ask any more. 'Oh, and I'm not kind.' I suddenly remember that he mentioned that.
After a moment, he starts to laugh. Somehow, I start to tremble. Is he going to make fun of me? The man who has taken me seriously from the moment he met me and introduced me to the Guild? I start to turn around, but he grabs my arm.
'Rune,' he says. 'You are kind. You deserve so much more than this life here.'
'What?' Indignantly I pull my arm free. 'This is a good life. We have the Guild and our Guild brothers and sisters. If you hadn't brought me here, I may not have been alive anymore.'
'But don't you want something else?' he asks. His voice is quiet now. 'A wife, a family? You would make such a good husband and father. Don't you long to have a warm home?'
I don't know what to say. His words touch something in me. But it's not a wife I want.
'Why?' I ask. 'Is that what you want, Brynjolf?' I don't really want to hear his answer.
'I would want a home,' he says without hesitation, looking at me.
'A family?'
'Maybe,' he says. 'You?'
I don't know what strange courage makes me say it.
'I would want a home, yes, maybe some kids, but... not a wife.'
My knees feel weak when I wait in the silence that follows. I stare at the archery targets.
'I never really noticed when he was still alive,' Brynjolf says. 'We all knew Gallus and Karliah were together, but they didn't, you know, show it much around others. But then she turned out to have plotted revenge for over two decades. That is how much she loved him. Karliah told me she met Gallus' ghost and that they look forward to meeting each other again in the Ever... after death.'
It is quiet for a moment. The rush of the waterfalls in the Cistern sounds faintly across the passage.
'I have been thinking about that lately,' Brynjolf continues. 'And Karliah spoke to me about Gallus when we travelled back. I thought it must be good to feel that about someone. Someone who makes you feel at home. Warm.'
The word startles me. Warm is the word I use, thinking about Brynjolf. How his presence makes me feel warm. How I want to make him feel warm when he shivers. I think about the polar bear pelt in the chest by my bed. I prepared it myself, cleaned the fur, brushed it until it was all white and fluffy. I can barely suppress a groan at my silly thoughts.
'You do that,' Brynjolf says. I almost miss it because he is whispering. 'That's when I realized.... when I couldn't bear thinking that you had left.'
'What?' I turn my head to look at him. 'Me? But I'm just...'
'No,' he says, a bit louder. 'You're not “just” anything. You are so unassuming, but you help this place feel like a home to us. You chat a bit, you make stew, you are simply here, calm and always the same. Steady and kind.'
I don't know what to say. I don't know what he means to say.
'For some time I tried to find a wife,' Brynjolf says. 'I thought it would give me what was missing. But those women... it just never... There were boys and men when I was younger.'
I gasp. Brynjolf smiles at me.
'Yes,' he says. 'I am not ashamed of that and neither should you be.' His voice wavers at the end, as if he's not completely sure.
'I...' My heart beats wildly in my chest. Fear and a small sliver of hope. 'I'm not ashamed, but the others...'
'They don't care for the most part. And if they do, I'll beat them up for you.' Brynjolf sounds fierce. Protective? The sliver of hope becomes bigger.
'Brynjolf...' I start to say, not sure I can keep my feelings from showing in my eyes.
He has to take only one step to be so close to me that the buckles on our armours clink against each other. For a moment we stare into each other's eyes. Then his arms are around me, and mine around him, and his mouth is on mine and I can hardly breathe while he kisses me until I almost pass out.
'Rune, Rune, my sweet lad,' he breathes against my skin while he lets me get air into my lungs. 'My Rune.'
I hold him against me as hard as I can.
'I have you,' I say. 'I will keep you warm and safe, I will make you smile again.' I feel my face heat up with the silly nonsense I'm saying, but then he presses his face into my neck and sighs deeply.
'Yes,' he whispers. 'Yes, you will.'