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On October 31st 1989, James and Lily Evans-Potter spent their last night alive. They sat together, Harry in Lily’s arms, a wistful smile on James’ face. Clueless that they’d both be dead before the clock struck twelve.
James offered Lily his hand, squeezing hers in his own. A small gesture, but reassuring, nonetheless. “Next year will be different. Once this damned war is over and put behind us, me and the others will throw a party, one that will go down in history, and everyone will be with us again. I promise.”
The obvious absence of their friends was looming over them like a shadow. It was strange spending Halloween without the rest of the Marauders, and it made James’ heart heavy with loss and yearning. Sirius, Remus, Peter – and now Lily and Harry – were his family. Sometimes it felt like each one of them made up a part of himself. Each one of them a vital organ in his body. Pull one out and the rest of him would stop working. He trusted them all with his life completely, no questions asked. And he missed the three of them terribly.
In Hogwarts, he had become so used to doing everything with them. The four had always been attached to the hip, one rarely seen without the others in tow. But those days were over, and they were faced with the cold, harsh reality that was the war. Even if he would do anything to have them with him again, he was grateful for what he did have. His beautiful wife and equally as beautiful son who he was sure he loved more than life itself.
And though he was trying to reassure Lily, the words tasted like a lie on his tongue. Bitter and untrue.
Lily’s emerald green met his dark brown. He could tell she didn’t believe him. He didn’t believe himself either, but they needed it. They needed just this small bit of hope to grasp onto so they don’t get tangled up in the mindless suffering and loss the war has brought them.
They had already lost so much. So many people were dying. So much was being taken away from them. He remembered joking with Marlene and hugging Dorcas just months before. The news of their deaths was like a punch to the gut. He and Lily had spent weeks grieving, even now, they hadn’t recovered. He suspected they never fully would. After all, they were two of their closest friends. With each death came the all too familiar burdening feeling of anguish and dread.
Then there was Mary. Sweet, wonderful Mary. Merlin, he missed her. He hadn’t heard from her – from any of them – in months. He knew she was heartbroken from the betrayal of the two people she trusted most in the world cutting ties with everyone and becoming death eaters.
At some point during Hogwarts, it had stopped being just Mary and had become Mary-Regulus-Evan, a trio that he was so accustomed to seeing that even now it was unfathomable to think they had broken apart.
He would never admit it but he missed the two of them too. Regulus, who was as much as Sirius’ little brother as he was James’, and Evan, who James had reached a sort of frenemy dynamic with before it all went to shit.
Though, he never could dwell too long on the anomaly that was Evan Rosier. It always felt like he was missing something and every time he got close to grasping on the thought it slipped away between his fingers. It was unnerving.
Sometimes, when he closed his eyes he could pretend everything was normal and nothing had happened.
It never lasted.
It was a never-ending nightmare. He wouldn’t let the war take this away from them too.
“Oh yes, I just can’t wait for a repeat of last year’s Halloween. You and Sirius drunk out of your minds, dancing on the food table like a pair of madmen.” Lily replied, attempting to lighten up the mood, eyes shimmering with the playfulness James had become familiar to over the years.
The corners of his lips quirked up as fond memories came rushing back to him. “I very clearly remember you laughing with us.”
“I was laughing at you, not with you, Potter.”
“Evans-Potter, you mean,” James corrected with his trademark smirk as she rolled her eyes, an affectionate look on her face. “And still, you can’t deny you weren’t entertained.”
“Halfway through, you came up to me crying and started confessing your undying love then proceeded to do the same with everyone else in the room. And somewhere along the way, you managed to get Sirius sobbing too. I don’t think entertained is the right word for how I was feeling.” Lily deadpanned. “Times like those really make me think you two need a babysitter.”
“Well, that’s what we’ve got you for.”
“Good to know you’re still insufferable, even after we got married.”
“Only with you, love.”
He watched with amusement as Lily’s ears turned pink. Little reactions like that never failed to make his heart melt. Merlin, did he love her.
“I will not hesitate to divorce you, James.” The redhead shot back with no heat in her voice. They both knew that was an empty threat.
“Impossible. You’re too in love with me to ever do such a thing.”
“Unfortunately,” she mumbled in defeat, drawing a wide smile from James.
She visibly softened as she shifted over to him, brushing a stray curl out of his face before caressing his cheek. James leaned into her touch, turning his head slightly to press a gentle kiss to her hand.
They stayed like that for a while, taking solace in each other’s comfort. James used to pray for moments like these with Lily.
Finally, she broke the silence. “It’s getting late. I’m going to go put Harry to sleep. You go check the protection wards, okay?”
She let her hand fall away from his bronze skin, making some part of himself slightly disappointed at the loss of warmth. But still, James nodded (he could never deny Lily anyway) and leaned over to press a gentle kiss on both Harry and Lily’s heads. “Happy Halloween, my angels.”
Standing up, he allowed his feet to carry him downstairs, ready to repeat the same routine he had been doing for months – it was practically muscle memory now – when he heard the creaking of footsteps on pavement.
He froze in his path.
Sirius wasn’t their keeper anymore so there was no way it could be him. Dumbledore, maybe? Peter? Perhaps he was just imagining things.
But the sound came again, and his mind began racing with all the horrid possibilities as he rushed over to the curtains, pulling them away the slightest bit so he could peek through.
His blood went cold. It couldn’t be… there was no way—
Peter , the last still-functioning part of his mind supplied in an almost mocking tone, one of your closest friends has betrayed you .
A rush of white-hot rage burned through him, as well as utter dread. All those years spent with them, side by side, thrown away for what? What could Voldemort possibly have offered him to make him so readily lose a family who had welcomed him in open arms?
A whirlwind of unregistered feelings were spiralling through him like a hurricane, but only one thing mattered now. Harry and Lily. Ignoring the bile threatening to claw its way up his throat, he let go of the curtains and sped back upstairs to his wife and son.
He needed to get them out of there. He needed to protect them.
“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! I’ll hold him off!”
He watched as fear and panic overtook Lily’s body, face paling and hands instinctively tightening around Harry who was bundled up in layers of blankets, innocent, green eyes blissfully oblivious of the danger they were currently in.
Green. Lily’s green. Where Harry had inherited James’ mischievous smile, brown skin, and what was definitely a bit of unruly brown hair growing in, he had gotten the exact green of Lily’s eyes, soft and always feeling. It was one of the things he loved most about Lily, and now his son as well.
Green always had been one of James’ favourite colours.
“James–” Her voice sounded strained, as if it physically pained her to speak.
“I love you.” Was all he said. It was all he could manage without choking on his words.
In that moment, James realised that there was so much that he still wanted to do. So much he needed to say.
He so desperately wanted to look Sirius, his brother, in the eyes and tell him that he was so proud of him. He wanted to sit next to Remus, his anchor, and tell him that he’s worth everything in the world and more. He wanted to pull Peter ( RegulusEvanPeter — Why did the list keep growing? ) back and ask him what had gone wrong. He wanted to run up to the astronomy tower with Mary one last time, away from the world and its problems just to cherish the girl who he had come to see as a sister ( he had always wanted a sister ). He wanted to look at his son, who he was already so infinitely proud of, and tell him he’s sorry that he won’t be able to see him grow up into the amazing, young man that he was so certain he would be and that he loved him so, so much. He wanted to hold Lily, his world, in his arms one last time and tell her that she would always have his heart in her hands.
He wanted, and he wanted, and he wanted.
There was no time.
And so, he let his eyes remain locked on his wife for a few seconds longer, drinking in the mere sight of her. Memorising the curves of her face, the slope of her nose, the freckles dotting her face, the silkiness of her striking red hair, the crease between her brows, the downturn of her pink lips, the fear in her expression and the jade green of her eyes.
He latched onto those eyes, containing so many emotions. He knew what she was thinking. Except there was one thing he was sure of.
Tonight, he would die, and she would not.
He wouldn’t let her.
He would not let them die, not while he was still living and breathing. This was something he had decided a long time ago. And if that meant that he would have to sacrifice his own life, he would. In a heartbeat.
Harry and Lily Evans-Potter would not die tonight.
He looked at her and willed her to understand. As if he could make her read his mind out of sheer stubbornness.
Thank you, James thought. For the trust, the warmth, the kisses. For giving me a home. For giving me a family. For giving me a purpose.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
He hoped Lily would understand. He hoped Sirius and Remus and the rest of his friends (his family) would too.
With one last glance, he gave her a sad smile and turned away, despite every single fibre in his body willing him to do the exact opposite.
It barely registered in his mind that he had forgotten his wand. Some part of him laughed bitterly at the irony of all of it. Even in Hogwarts he would always forget his wand, subjecting himself to McGonagall’s lectures that one day that little mistake would cost him his life.
If only she could see him now.
His mind screamed at him as he came face to face with Voldemort himself.
(He almost scrunched his face up in disgust. No wonder he was evil, James would go mad if he looked like that too. He wondered if he could negotiate and offer to cast a hair growth spell on that bald head of his in exchange for their lives. Maybe even give him a makeover while he was at it. Though, makeovers had always been more Mary’s expertise.)
But then again, James Potter had never been one to shy away from a fight. In Hogwarts, he was an unwavering force, never backing down when one of his own was being harassed. Always providing a steady rock for everyone to lean onto. Always protecting. Always making sure everyone was safe and happy.
You spend so much time taking care of everyone else, Lily had once said to him, but who’s taking care of you?
James remembered giving her a half smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and brushing it off like it was nothing.
And in truth, it was nothing (It wasn’t. It was everything. They were everything.) and he was okay with that. He was okay with being the one to sacrifice if it meant everyone he loved was okay. He was okay if they were too, that was all that mattered.
It was okay because he’d have given Lily and Harry enough time to escape. It was okay because they would be safe. It was okay because sacrificing himself for his wife and son, who he loved more than anything else in this war-torn world, wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.
And so, James Potter, stubborn and determined as ever, looked up into the face of death and jumped into its arms.
He always did regret that his last promise to Lily was a lie.