Chapter Text
He woke up in a bathroom, and that was all he could tell at the moment apart from the fact that his head hurt. When he tried to sit up, everything seemed to spin around him, so he stayed where he was on the ground like the discarded piece of garbage he felt like right now. The light was too bright in his eyes, it made his headache worse. He squinted. What the hell happened?
The back of his head hurt the most, and when he touched it with his hand, he not only noticed that his hands were gloved, but also that there was a huge bump. The only logical conclusion was that he must have slipped and hit his head on the sink, but he didn't remember it. He tried to think of what he had done before he fell, but nothing came to his mind. With rising panic he realized that he didn't even remember who he was.
Fully closing his eyes, he racked his brain for a name. Something came up in his memory, the face of a boy, maybe eleven, twelve years old, smiling wildly and showing his missing tooth.
Jordie, he realized and breathed a sigh of relief. So his memories weren't completely lost. He remembered his father, too, and the farm where he grew up, and he remembered that his name was Kazimir Rietveld, and also that no one called him that because he preferred being called Kaz. He remembered his father's funeral, and how Jordie had sold the farm, and then... then what? Where was Jordie? With great effort, he sat up, but when he tried to stand, pain shot through his leg and he fell back down. That's when he saw the cane; the top of it was formed like a crow's head. He pulled up his pants where his leg hurt, and immediately put them back down again. Seeing his own mangled body parts and not remembering how they came to be this way was a feeling he didn't really wish to prolong. Trying not to think about it too hard, he grabbed the cane.
It felt familiar in his hands, like a part of himself. He looked at his hands again, clad in black leather, which was certainly odd. It wasn't even cold. Slowly he managed to pull himself up. He almost called for Jordie, but then he thought better of it. After all, he didn't know whose company he was in, and a little voice, almost on instinct, told him to be careful. However when he opened the bathroom door, the room behind it was empty. It seemed to be an office, though not a very fancy one. The desk was a goddamn door.
His hands were sweating in his gloves. Why was he wearing them? Had he broken in here? But he doubted it; the room looked distantly familiar, and he felt like it was his. It was probably safe to just take the damn gloves off. Carelessly he dropped them on the door-desk and ignored the slight unease that came over him as he did. Then he rummaged around in the book shelves, but nothing really told him anything useful. The desk was empty, and the rest of the office was sparse. He saw a save, but he had no idea how to open it. Now what?
He heard the dull sound of accordeon music and laughter downstairs, so he definitely wasn't alone in this house. Did he know the people he lived with? Did he like them?
It was still dark outside, but he saw it dawning in the distance. Carefully he opened the door and looked into a small wooden hallway with stairs going up and down. Only now he realized how loud the noise downstairs was. The thought of going where it came from wasn't a welcome one, but he needed to get out of this room. He'd heard of people who lost their memories; almost all of them gained it back after seeing familiar faces or places, like the missing piece in a puzzle. He just needed to find that piece, and it wasn't in here. So, mind made up, he limped down the stairs. The pain in his leg at least felt familiar, even though he couldn't quite place how it came to be this way.
When he arrived at the bottom of the stairs, the man playing the accordeon immediately froze. The music stopped and all gazes went to him. Kaz saw something akin to fear in them.
Maybe coming down here was a mistake.
He saw some of the wide eyes look- no, stare- at his hands. Interesting, he thought. Maybe those gloves he'd taken of actually did have a deeper meaning.
"Sorry, boss," one of the men mumbled. Boss? How old was he? He caught his reflection in a mirror. His features were gaunt, his dark, hooded eyes looked tired, and his black curls were tousled, but even with those less flattering qualities he saw that he couldn't be much older than twenty. "I know you've been in a shitty mood. I told the others to be quiet, but they wouldn't listen...," the man continued.
"You were the loudest one!", another guy protested.
"We thought it was okay because you hadn't come down to skin us all alive yet, but we should have known..."
Kaz frowned at them. As it seemed, he was respected around here, and judging from their expressions, they were expecting a severe reaction. The nagging voice in his head told him not give them a reason to suspect anything was wrong. "I don't care, just turn it down," he heard himself say even though he didn't really mind the music. His voice sounded raspy. Maybe he'd had a cold? But he felt fine. Apart from the searing headache.
Abashed like scolded children, the men nodded. He could feel their gazes in his back as he went to the door.
"Where are you going, boss?" He turned around. The question had come from a blonde woman who stood straight as a wood plank. "Should we send someone with you?"
"I'm just taking a walk."
"The Razor Gulls are pretty pissed off, boss. You sure you want to go out there alone now?"
"It's Dirtyhands, Anika," some old geezer sitting in a corner said. "He'll be fine."
Dirtyhands? He thought back to the gloves. It all came back to his hands, didn't it? Like some weird obsession. He still saw some of these people stare at them and it almost started to feel like a violation. And who were the Razor Gulls? Come on, Rietveld, he thought. Think! They're obviously people you know, and they know you, everyone apparently knows you, and it seems like they have a reason to loathe you.
"Someone somewhere is always going to be pissed off, Anika," he rasped. "If I let that get to me, you might as well start bringing sunlight in a jar to my office in the future." He knew he'd said the right thing when the woman called Anika visibly fought the urge to roll her eyes and some of the men laughed almost...fondly? However, Anikas warning did worry him. Maybe he should have waited until the sun fully came out, but it was too late to turn back now. It would have been an admission to fear, and despite his missing memory, he was aware that fear was something you just didn't show around here. Especially not in his position.
He stepped outside. It was early, but the air was already warm and damp and it smelled like dead fish. Only few people were up yet. Kaz didn't have a watch on him, but he hoped sunrise wasn't that far away. Ketterdam, he realized when he looked around. He'd been here with Jordie and his father once because of payment issues for a load of carrots they'd grown on their farm. He hadn't liked it back then. Everything was loud and fast, the canals smelled awful and the people were rude. Someone had stolen his father's purse just after he had gotten his payment. They almost lost the house because of that. He wasn't sure if he liked the city better now. He had to, right? If he had an office here. How had he ended up here? And where should he go now? Where did he even live? Wherever it was, maybe Jordie was there. Kaz had heard awful stories about awful people in Ketterdam, so Jordie was the only one he could trust right now. His heart was beating out of his chest. Where should he even begin to search? He couldn't go back to the farm because he remembered that Jordie had sold it after their father had died. Aimlessly he stumbled through the city streets, along the harbour. The sky was slowly becoming brighter, more people were going about their day.
"Kaz?"
He tried not to flinch and turned around. A man came up to him; tall, lanky, dark skin, bright teeth that he exposed with his huge smile. He looked friendly, but Kaz still felt like he needed to tread carefully. He didn't know this person, and according to the woman called Anika, there were people who wanted to hurt him. Or even kill him. So he tried not to let his face show what he thought. It didn't seem to deter the other man at all. "Hey, you seem to be in a good mood today," he said jokingly and beamed.
Kaz thought of something to say. What was this man to him? A friend? A threat? What would he say to him if he hadn't lost his memory? "It's a lovely day," he said helplessly and winced; it had sounded more sarcastic than he intended, but maybe that was a good thing?
The man laughed. It sounded loud and unabashed. Some people turned their heads towards him. "What a surprisingly rare display of optimism. I'm a little less nervous about having you at the same dinner party as my normal friends."
Kaz nervously licked his lips. "Dinner party?"
"Yes!" The grin faltered slightly. "You didn't forget, did you?"
Kaz could only stare at him. The question was almost funny considering he had to remember his own name an hour ago. The man rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. "Of course you didn't forget. You never forget anything. You simply don't care."
He wanted to say something, but the man interrupted. "No, you know what, forget it. I'm done trying and being let down. I thought we were friends, and you promised me. It would have meant a lot to Wylan. And to me, too." He shook his head as if he was disappointed in himself. "Ah, I guess I have myself to blame. Stupid. How could I ever think Dirtyhands was going to care about anyone but himself. Lovely day, Kaz," he said sarcastically and turned to leave.
Get to know where the dinner party is, you podge. This man obviously knows you, maybe he knows where Jordie is, too .
"Wait!", he said. The man stopped walking and turned his head towards him.
"What?"
"Obviously I knew about the dinner."
"Obviously."
"And of course I'll be there."
"Of course."
Where was it? If he outright asked for that piece of information, the man would probably strangle him. He quickly looked him up and down, tried to find clues to his person- he was obviously carrying guns, he wore colorful clothes, he seemed agitated and fidgety, what would be the place he would be least likely to host a dinner party?
"At the Geldrenner, right?"
The man looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "No, at our house, Kaz! Remember? The van Eck mansion? Government district? Big white house?"
"Relax, I was joking."
"Leave the joking to me, you rotten bastard. If you don't show up tonight, I'll literally never talk to you again." He said this so solemny that Kaz suddenly had to fight the urge to laugh. He felt like this wasn't an enemy. "And this time, I wasn't joking!"
Finding the van Eck mansion wasn't hard, although his headache was at its worst now. He just had to follow the trail of rich people in their sparkling dresses and impeccable suits in the government district. They were acting a little weird. One of them looked at him over his shoulder and quickened his pace, another one stared at him with outright disdain and whispered something to the much younger woman accompanying him.
Rude, Kaz thought. Since he seemed to have a certain effect on people, he waited until most of them had entered the house until he himself rang the doorbell.
One of the maids answered the door, a young woman with a clipboard who froze for a moment when she saw him. It made him feel slightly on edge. What had he done to deserve this reaction? Apparently he ran a gang, if the encounter with those weird guys calling him "boss" were any indication, that much was clear. But why was he running a gang? Why hadn't Jordie slapped some sense into him to stop him from joining a gang in the first place? He needed to find him, fast. He needed answers from someone he trusted.
In the meantime, he would try to make people less uncomfortable around him. He couldn't stand their horrified looks. "Hi. Kazimir Rietveld. I should be on the list."
He wondered if he should have introduced himself as Kaz, but this event looked so formal that the full name might have been more appropriate.
She looked at her clipboard for a moment and, without even reading the names, she quickly nodded and stiffly said: "Mhm!"
Ghezen, she looks at me like I'm holding her at gunpoint.
"Can I come in?"
"Mhm!"
He followed her through the pompous hall. While he looked around, he caught her staring at his hands, then quickly looking away when she saw that he noticed. To his right, there was a huge saloon with all the different shades of the rich in it that this city had to offer. At least fifty people had to be in there. He was surprised when she kept walking and stopped at a different door.
"Mister van Eck requested to meet his friends in private before the event. And, erm, if I may say, they all seemed quite... impatient for your arrival."
Kaz had hoped that eight bells had been the appropriate time to show up. He sighed inwardly. Apparently he was late. Nervously he wondered if he would recognize any of the people inside the room. The maid opened the door. "Mister van Eck? Mister, erm, Kazimir Rietveld is here."
She looked at him again as if to make sure that she was truly saying the right name, which made Kaz wonder what they called him.
"Rietveld?", someone from inside exclaimed. "I didn't invite a Rietveld. Tell him to leave. I told you it wasn't Kaz, Jes, he isn't coming-"
The maid opened the door more widely to reveal him. It was a small room and the long, expensive looking table took up most of the space. Five people were gathered around it. It turned out he didn't recognize any of them, but judging from the way they all glared at him, they recognized him just fine.
He gulped and walked in, looking at each face of his supposed friends.
Is it normal to meet in a small group while all other guests are outside? Is this a trap?
But the people didn't look intimidating at all, except for the tall Fjeardan with the long blonde hair. And yet there was energy radiating off of them that made him bristle. The man with the zemeni skin he'd met today sat next to a smaller man with pale skin and red curls. Then there was a tall, curvy brunette and a small Suli woman whose stone hard dark eyes were appraising him. He could see a little wrinkle between her brows.
Then her gaze went lower- to his hands, he realized- and her expression softened.
"Not freaking funny, Kaz! What's with the name change?", the man with the red curls said grimly, while the zemeni exclaimed: "You came! Hurrah. Now sit the hell down and-" he stopped, his eyes had followed those of the Suli girl and practically bulged out of his head. "No gloves?"
"Were they necessary for tonight?" He'd meant it as a serious question, but apparently they took it as a jest.
The brunette woman looked disappointed. "I was expecting claws or at least some hooves. Seems like Kaz actually is human after all."
"We have no proof of that yet," the Fjerdan said conspiratorially and pat the back of her hand. Kaz had no idea if the couple was joking or not. The Suli girl pulled out the chair next to her and he stiffly sat down.
"Aren't you going to wish Wylan a happy birthday?", the brunette quipped.
Wylan. Now, was Wylan the redhead or the Fjerdan? The zemeni had mentioned a Wylan this morning. It's important for Wylan, and for me too, he'd said. And: At our house. Also, the redhead's clothes looked a lot more expensive than the Fjerdan's, so this was probably his house.
"Happy Birthday, Wylan."
"Thanks, Kaz," the redhead answered. "You're late."
"I'm sorry-"
"I didn't think you would come at all."
"I'm here, aren't I?" Ghezen, how was he supposed to get through the evening like this? He didn't quite feel save enough to tell them he'd lost his memory. What if they were members of a rival gang? What if they were just waiting to catch him while he was vulnerable? And why, on earth, did he have to worry about these things in the first place? Why wasn't he doing honest work like Jordie had wanted for him? Had he even went to school? Kaz wanted to pull his hair so badly right now.
These people all seemed nice enough, but he didn't like the way that Suli girl looked at him. As if she could read him like a book.
"We ought to turn this into a party for you. Congrats, Kaz Brekker, for doing the bare minimum," the brunette said provocatively and sarcastically clapped her hands.
Brekker? Kaz was starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Had he married?
"Inej, tell me again why out of all the handsome men in Kerch, outside of Kerch and on your crew ship, you chose this one?"
Kaz' head whipped around to the Suli girl- Inej- and a blazing pain went through his head. So this woman was his...what? His girlfriend? His wife? His friend with benefits?
"Nina," she scolded and rolled her eyes, but she didn't actually seem upset.
"Hey, at least she called you handsome," the zemeni grinned.
Kaz felt himself relax a little. If this woman was his partner, and those were all their friends, then surely he could trust them. He smiled and listened as they took their focus away from him- thank Ghezen- and talked about this and that, but nothing that could give him insight on who they were and who he was. He found out that the Fjerdan was called Matthias and the zemeni was Jesper, that Nina was a Grisha, and that Inej was a pirate. Which...holy fuck?
Eventually, they fell into a short, comfortable silence, and Kaz decided it was now or never. "By the way, you don't happen to know where Jordie is?"
All the faces in the room turned to him and he could see the mood change immediately in a way that made his stomach twist. The silence wasn't a comfortable one anymore. He saw Jesper and Inej exchange looks, and Nina and Matthias stare at him with open confusion. Wylan looked at his boyfriend for whatever reason. And there was something else on all of their faces. They're looking at me like I'm having a screw loose.
"No?", Jesper said eventually. "Shouldn't...you know that?"
Well, shit. He botched that phenomenonally.
"I can't find him," he admitted. Inej and Jesper both looked increasingly concerned. Now they all exchanged looks and it made him uncomfortable. Jesper was about to say something, but he didn't miss the way Inej shook her head No at him, and he closed his mouth.
"We don't know where he is," she said. "Why are you asking?"
He shrugged. "No reason. I haven't seen him in a while. Is...did I say something...?"
If "What the fuck" was a facial expression, all five of them nailed it pretty neatly.
"Kaz Brekker second guessing himself? Never thought I'd see the day," Matthias mumbled and took a sip of his wine.
Of course he was right. It had been a foolish thing to say. No one with his reputation would be insecure about things they'd said.
"It's fine, Kaz," Inej said and they fell back into their conversations, though now there seemed to be a strain on it. He saw them shooting nervous glances at him now and then.
"Hey," Inej eventually whispered to him while the others were debating whether they'd rather fight five duck sized horses or one horse sized duck. "Are you okay?"
"I'm more than okay," he whispered back and gave her a reassuring smile. It didn't have the effect he'd had in mind. Instead of smiling back, he saw the wrinkle between her eyebrows appear again.
"Kaz?"
"Yes?"
She took a deep breath. "Kiss me."
"What?"
"Kiss me."
Her black hair fell over her shoulders and reflected the dim light. Her eyes were dark and big and wonderful and who was he do deny a request like that? Smiling from ear to ear, he leaned in- only for her to suddenly turn her head so that he almost fell over like an idiot. Her expression was thoughtful. Luckily no one seemed to have noticed.
"What is it?", he asked quietly. She didn't respond. What was happening here? He felt the ugly pain in his head flare up again, and he tried to fight down the wave of nausea.
"We should join the other guests now," Wylan announced. "But this was fun. It's great to see all of you in one place," he added with his eyes fixed on Kaz.
Kaz wisely didn't respond. Apparently he had greatly mischaracterized the person they knew him as, and he couldn't afford any more faux pas.
"I'm getting some fresh air," Inej said quietly to Kaz while they all stood up. "Are you coming with me?"
Would Kaz Brekker decline or agree? In any case, the first was a much bigger risk than the latter, so he nodded. She led him upstairs and he started to get a few ideas of where this was going.
"I thought you wanted to grab some fresh air?", he said suggestively.
"There's a balcony upstairs." He backed off a little at her tone. Her voice sounded terse and curt. Quietly he followed her, and the warning little voice in his head persisted that something wasn't quite right here, but she was his partner, wasn't she? He could trust her. Maybe it was time to tell her about the fact that he had lost his memory. But then...was she really his partner? It could still be a trap. Suddenly he felt all his alarm bells going off. This woman didn't look like she wanted him around for a nice chat. She meant business. But he ultimately decided that she was small enough that he could take the risk; she hardly posed a threat. Unless of course she wasn't alone. Were there other people waiting for him? Was he willingly walking into a trap?
Upstairs, they followed a long hallway, and he got the sinking feeling that there was no balcony. She opened the door to one of the rooms and stood at the door to let him walk in first. Inside stood a bed, otherwise it was empty, and he was completely confused now.
"So, where's the balco-"
He couldn't finish the sentence because that's when he felt cold metal on his throat. Inej's warm, soft voice had turned into a cold and terrifying snarl. "Who are you and where's the real Kaz Brekker?", she spat.