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"No fucking way."
"Jack, c'mon, it's been months. Please, let me do this for you."
Jack put his head down on the table, groaning at his words. "I knew it was a mistake coming to see you."
Felix huffed out an irritated sigh, putting a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder. "Look. You know me. I wouldn't set you up on a date with anyone that I didn't think you would like. And you've told me yourself, you think you're ready to commit now, to anyone you happen to like. You can't stay hung up on Mark forever. I think you'll like this guy, anyway--he's pretty much exactly your type."
"I don't know, Fe," Jack murmured. "I don't know if I can. I thought I was ready with Mark, but we see how I fucked that all to hell. God."
"Hey, that's over now," Felix said, letting out a quiet sigh. "One date. Go with the guy on one date, and if you hate it, I'll never make you go on another blind date ever again. Deal?"
Jack pulled his head up, meeting the blue eyes of his best friend. He could see all of the concern, all of the worry and anticipation, the desire for him to get over this, to be happy. Jack rubbed his hands over his eyes, before letting out a long groan.
"Fine," he muttered. "One date. This is the only chance you get, Fe."
"You won't regret it," Felix grinned, clapping him on the back. "I promise."
~~
Blind dates, Jack concluded, were absolutely the worst things in the world.
Not that Jack's date was bad, or anything. In fact, the guy was pretty nice, all things considered. But Jack just wasn't feeling it. He could hardly remember the guy's name, to be fair. Kyle--no, Ken, it was Ken wasn't it?
Jack didn't have a clue. Ken it was, then.
He became vaguely aware of Ken asking him something, but as he turned away to ask him to repeat himself so he could properly answer, he caught the sight of someone walking by the window. A familiar shade of dark hair, the familiar swish of a coat he knew too well at this point.
Jack almost snapped his neck his head turned so fast, watching Mark enter the restaurant he was in. His heart pounded in his chest, gripping the table tight. He was so close, he could just go up and talk to him, it would be so easy...
"Jack?" Ken quipped, as Jack snapped his gaze back to him. "You alright? You went white as a sheet just now."
"Huh?" Jack stammered. He licked his lips, his throat dry. He grabbed the glass of water he'd ordered and down a quick gulp of it. "I'm--I'm fine, y-yeah. What did you ask me, now?"
Jack's leg bounced up and down in anticipation, shaking the table. He was keenly aware of Mark's presence, somehow, so close yet so unreachable. He wondered if Mark had seen him yet. He craned his head to glance over his shoulder, just to see, and just his luck, Mark looked over.
They locked eyes. For a moment, everything in the room froze. Mark's expression didn't change, eyes blankly staring back at him, as if they hadn't processed him, as if they didn't recognize him, but then, but then there it was--that flash of panic, that spark of anxiety.
He watched as Mark turned on his heel, quickly exiting the restaurant.
Jack hopped out of his chair, his feet moving of their own accord. He hadn't even grabbed his coat on the way out, and boy did he feel it the minute he pushed open the doors. The chilly wind wrapped around him, but a glance to the left gave Mark away. He booked it down the sidewalk, screaming as loud as he could, "Mark! Mark wait!"
For a moment, Mark did. He turned around, as if confused by the sudden call of his name but when he realized it was Jack, he turned the corner, quickening his pace.
But considering Jack was running and Mark wasn't, it didn't take long for him to catch up. He contemplated tackling the other man for a moment, but figured it wouldn't be a smart move. Instead, he reached out and yanked him back by the shoulder. "Hey, fucking--Mark! Listen to me, will you?"
"Go away, Jack!" Mark shrugged him off. "Just--go away!"
He continued walking, and as Jack panted, something dawned on him. Jack, Jack, Jack. Mark had called him Jack. He hadn't said Sean. He'd said Jack.
But he couldn't revel in the realization for long. Knowing that Mark wouldn't stand still and listen to him, he figured, well, drastic times called for drastic measures. He let Mark get a little further away from him before he took a running start, throwing himself at him.
Both of them went tumbling to the pavement. Mark shrieked. He tried to shake Jack off but Jack pinned his wrists down, straddling his waist. "Would it kill you just to listen to me? For one goddamn second?"
"I guess I don't have a choice now," Mark sneered. "What the fuck could you possibly want, Jack?"
"You called me Jack," he whispered, regaining his breath. The chill of the air began to seep into the thin material of his long sleeve. He really should invest in sweaters. "You called me Jack."
Mark's eyes widened slightly, but he tore his gaze away. "Slip of the tongue. It didn't mean anything."
"Yes, it did," Jack insisted, his grip on Mark's wrists tightening. "Yes, it did. If it didn't mean anything you would've said Sean. If it didn't mean anything you wouldn't have run out of the restaurant like that."
Mark said nothing. He closed his eyes. "What do you want, really? Haven't you hurt me enough?"
The words hit him like a punch to the gut. He breathed out shakily, blurting out, "I wanted to apologize."
His ex boyfriend stilled, opening his eyes. Confusion danced across his features. Jack went on, "I wanted to apologize for--for everything. I know that means nothing to you but--"
"It means everything to me," Mark whispered, interrupting him. Then he closed his mouth, urging him to go on with his eyes.
Jack trembled. All of the love and fear mixed together inside him, his heart pumping at a mile a minute. Apprehension gnawed at him, and before it could take over, he murmured, "I'm sorry. I didn't--I didn't break it off because of you. God, it wasn't because of you. You weren't perfect but god, Mark, you were damn close. You were so close and I--"
Mark didn't speak. He choked. "I was so scared--I am so scared of commitment. When we were together you were talking about moving in together soon, and I just--I lost my cool, okay? So I--I came up with all these stupid reasons, stupid things that weren't actually bad and that I loved about you, just to--just to sever ties with you. I wanted you to hate me. I wanted you to stay far the fuck away from me because I knew--I knew that--that if I told you I was scared of committing, you'd just try to convince me that I could do it."
Jack didn't notice he'd started crying until he saw Mark wince, a tear hitting his face. He pulled a hand away from Mark's wrist to wipe his eyes. "But it was so fucking stupid of me. Not a goddamn day goes by where I don't go back to my stupid apartment and miss the fuck out of you, where I don't still see you everywhere I go, even in my dreams. I spent every goddamn night out of my apartment because I can't sleep in that stupid bed without thinking of you and how you'd be so irritated with me for not making it up every morning. I miss your stupid smile and your gorgeous laugh and the way that you'd kiss me and hold me as if you'd never let me go."
He breathed in. Jack let go of Mark completely, sliding off of him, curling his knees to his chest. The tears stung his cheeks, the cold air doing nothing to aid in that. He pressed his face into his knees, hissing out a string of curses. Finally, he looked back up, almost yelling, "And I know that nothing is gonna fix what I did to you, because that's so fucking selfish of me. But god, Mark, if I could--if I could take it all back, I would. Because I can do it now. I know I can. I know I can be with you. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."
Mark slowly sat up. His expression revealed nothing as his eyes watched him. Jack felt like a blubbering mess as he spit out his final words, "And I'm not expecting you to forgive me. I'm not expecting you to just take me back and everything be fuckin' grand. I know you don't love me anymore. I know I fucked that all to hell, too. I just--I just wanted you to know so badly that I still do--"
He swallowed the rest of his words as Mark rested his hands over his, which rested on his knees. He carefully enveloped Jack's fingers with his own, lacing them together, and for the weather, they were surprisingly warm. He squeezed, gentle as he could be, as if there was no malice, no anger, no bitterness at all.
"I wouldn't have tried to convince you of anything," Mark said quietly. "I would have waited forever for you, Jack."
Jack broke. More tears welled up in his eyes, and he let out a strangled sob. His shoulders shook, both from his crying and from the cold. Mark pulled his hands away, and Jack thought he was going to walk away, and that only made him fall deeper into his own disgusting self-pity.
But then warmth enveloped him again, this time across his shoulders, and down his back. Jack felt the heavy material of a coat, and Mark puffed out a breath, waving his hand a bit, as if urging him to pull it on.
"Mark--" Jack sputtered, but Mark silenced him with a quick swipe across his lips, as if zipping his mouth shut.
"Let's..." Mark began. "Let's finish this conversation at your place. You're going to freeze if we stay here much longer. You have bad circulation, remember?"
He hauled himself to his feet, and offered a hand out to Jack. With only a few seconds of hesitation, Jack took it, and Mark pulled him to his feet. He expected Mark to let go, but his fingers remained interlocked with his, all the way back to Jack's apartment.
~~
"This place is a mess," Mark commented.
"Were you really expecting anything else?" Jack asked, sitting on his bed. "All my blubbering out there, and you really expected my apartment to be clean?"
"Well I thought maybe you had some semblance of structure in your life," Mark sniffed. "I can see that's not the case."
Jack said nothing to that. What was there to say? He gripped the sheets as Mark sat down next to him, letting out a low sigh. Jack stared at the floor.
"You got it wrong," Mark said, and Jack looked over to him. "I mean--I did, too, I guess, but--but I...I'm not...not in love with you anymore, if that makes any sense..."
Jack forced himself to swallow any hope he had. Just in case. "So you're...?"
"Still as in love with you as the day we met?" Mark laughed, though it was a little strained. "Pretty much."
His expression darkened, however. "But Jack, I--I'm not going to pretend that you didn't...that you didn't hurt me. That you couldn't tell me about all of this. That you had to go so far as to lie to me just to get away. And what's to say you won't do it again? What guarantee do I have that you won't get scared and run away again?"
"You don't," Jack admitted. "You just have to trust me."
"And what if I don't anymore?"
He fell silent again. Jack offered a shrug in return, his gaze falling again. His thoughts drifted back to Ken, whom he'd left only a little while ago, and wondered what he was doing now, since his date up and left him. Jack could imagine he would be receiving a few very angry phone calls from Felix soon. But he didn't care about that right now.
"Jack," Mark said, his tone neutral. "Look at me, will you?"
Jack tilted his head. Blue met brown, and he held his breath. He waited for a beat, then two.
"I'm going to..." he started again. "I'm going to try something, okay? See if...something's there. So...close your eyes. Don't move."
Jack did as he was told. He closed his eyes, remaining still as could be. Nothing happened at first, and he almost opened his eyes to inquire about what he should be waiting for, but then he felt it--the gentle press of lips against his own.
He could have cried again. But he squeezed his eyes shut tighter as he kissed back, slowly, only responding to what Mark gave him, careful not to seem over eager.
Too soon, the kiss ended. Jack opened his eyes and Mark gazed back at him, silent as could be. Jack cleared his throat, finding the courage to ask, "Did you figure out what you needed to?"
"Yeah," Mark murmured. "Yeah. I did."
He said nothing else, and Jack nodded once. He laced his fingers together, resting them in his lap, staring down at them. He waited for elaboration, waited for Mark to get up and leave, waited to hear the door slam, indicating that Mark would be gone from his life forever. He waited, and waited, and waited.
Mark didn't move. "Jack."
It took all the strength he had in him to look Mark's way again. The tension still present, Mark brought a hand up, hesitating for a moment before he made contact, cupping his cheek. Jack held his breath, afraid to speak, afraid to shatter this precious moment. Against his better judgment, he leaned into the touch, deciding to treasure it, for however long he was allowed to enjoy it.
Still. Everything was so still. Then Mark leaned in and kissed him again.
More fervent, more pleading, this kiss sent shivers through him, and unconsciously he moved his hands, pulling Mark in closer by his neck, his other hand fisting into the material of his shirt. His partner shifted closer, snaking an arm around his back, holding him, and Jack swore his mind began singing at the top of its lungs, an incoherent melody that made him feel alive again.
"It's still there," Mark mumbled against his lips. "I was looking--I was looking to see if I still--still felt it. And it's still there, Jack, god--"
He cut himself off to keep kissing him, which Jack had absolutely no problem continuing. He'd forgotten how much he loved the feeling of Mark's lips against his own. So many emotions overcame him at once--joy, relief, exhilaration, exhaustion, and against every indication not to, he broke the kiss.
"What do you--" Jack breathed, gritting his teeth, forcing the words out. "What do you want? Because I--I want--"
"I want to try again," Mark blurted out, letting out a long sigh. "God, I--I've wanted to try it again since--since you kicked me out of this very apartment all those months ago. It took everything I had not to fight with you, to fight for you, so--so if you want--"
"I want," he replied, punctuating his statement with another quick kiss. "I can do it this time. Fuck, I can--I swear I can do it this time."
Jack wanted to believe himself. Above anything, he wanted to believe himself. He trusted himself--he could get it right this time. He knew that he could.
"Okay," Mark exhaled. "Okay."
They shared another tender kiss, deeper than the last, more meaningful, more heartfelt, as if passing between them all of the love, hope and bitterness that they had bottled up for so long. Jack carded his fingers into Mark's hair, gripping it tight, as if grounding himself--reminding him that this was happening.
Surprisingly, Mark broke the kiss this time. He pressed their foreheads together, still holding him, as he said quietly, "It's late."
"Yeah," Jack answered, closing his eyes. "I don't have work tomorrow, though."
"Still should sleep," Mark chided, as if simply knowing Jack never slept at a decent hour anymore.
At that, he shrugged. He offered a small smile, and Mark laughed, rich and low, causing Jack's heart to skip a beat. His grin widened, and he started laughing too and soon the two of them couldn't stop. Their giggling filled the room, mingling together in a melody of happiness that neither of them could quite explain.
"Will you stay here tonight?" Jack asked, once he'd regained his composure. He bit his lower lip. "You don't, I mean--you don't have to, but..."
"I would love to," Mark told him. Then, he wrapped his arms around him tight, pulling him down onto the bed and rolling them both onto their sides. "If you want me."
Jack sighed into his hold, burying his face into his shoulder. How long had it been since he'd been held like this? He could easily fall asleep to the warmth that quickly spread throughout him, the rhythmic tune of his own heartbeat--or maybe it was Mark's, he couldn't tell, but he didn't care.
"There's still stuff we gotta talk about," Jack mumbled, closing his eyes. "Isn't there?"
"Yeah," Mark affirmed, pulling the covers over the both of them. "But we'll worry about that tomorrow, okay?"
Jack snuggled closer, nodding, and he smiled as Mark rested his chin on top of his head--so reminiscent of how they'd used to lay together when Mark would come over. It felt right.
The two fell asleep to the melody of their easy breathing, the city noise below, and the comfort of one another.