Chapter Text
The stubborn smudge stained onto the white plate as Langa absentmindedly scrubbed at it. Fruitlessly attempting to ignore the viscous gloom that seemed to swarm the room, drowning him.
“So…” He could vaguely hear the soft pads of his mom’s hand rubbing together, an indication that she was probably nervous again. Langa’s stomach twisted and he grimaced, scrubbing harder at the plate before rinsing it.
“I-hun I’m sorry.” Guilt entwined with her words as moths began to bloom in his stomach. He froze, before looking at the plate and scrubbing at the non-existent stain rhythmically, if only in an attempt to soothe the knots in his stomach. A deep inhale was heard behind him and he swallowed past his tight throat, preparing himself.
Except no words reached his ears, the cape of gloom becoming even heavier with the burden of silence. He sighed. “It’s okay Mom.” He tried to speak as softly as possible, inching through the suffocating guilt his mother was victim to. “If it’s an emergency then-”
“I can cancel it.” The words were rushed and Langa’s stomach cramped even more. God. He looked to the cabinets, hoping some sort of medicinal pills were still in the stash.
“Not if it’s an emergency.” He continued, rinsing the plate once more and drying it, then cleaning the sink with effortless movements. “I’ll be okay Mom.” But would she? Langa figured that tomorrow would be a greater difficulty for his mom than it ever could be for him.
Though, as Langa turned toward his mother, raking his eyes from her messy hair to soft brown eyes ringed with exhaustion. Eyes that swam with unbridled pain. He realized, that everyone he cared about, cared about him more than they would ever care for themselves. If he asked his mother about her feelings he was positive she would brush them off.
Aimlessness plagued his situation and he was suddenly faced with the wash of awkwardness as unsurprising tears formed in his mom’s eyes. Not for the first time, Langa had no idea what to do. He was frozen in a black murky puddle where he wasn’t sure if to move forward or back, only that if he stayed immobile he would sink.
She sighed, pressing her palms into her eyes, “I tried seventeen other nurses to substitute for me.” She sniffed hard, backing up to sit against the table. “There’s…” Langa chose to move forward and he quietly grabbed the box of tissues, his gangly limbs stiff as he moved next to her. She lowered her hands, smiling gratefully with red rimmed eyes and Langa figured he did the right thing as she pulled a tissue, “There’s this kid, about nine years old.”
She blew her nose harshly, tugging at another tissue and wiping her eyes. “His father’s currently in a life-threatening situation and is heading into surgery at midnight.” A hoarse laugh escaped her and Langa felt sick.
He knew where this was going from the beginning but it still hurt to listen, his feet glued to the floor and his lips cemented together. “I still have an hour.” She looked at him, determination and desperation mixing into an ugly color that plagued her eyes. Langa swallowed harshly, shaking his head. It didn’t take an empath to know that her guilt went both ways. His mother was being forced to choose between grieving for his father or saving another’s. And even if she refused to admit it, he knew which one would hurt more to pick.
“I’ll be okay Mom…” He trailed off, staring at the floor and squinting hard to think of a reassuring point. Fluffy red hair flashed in his vision and he smiled to himself with a twist in his heart, “I have friends. Good friends,”
He turned to match her stare, “Would you be okay?” A sharp inhale was his response followed by another hoarse laugh as his mom pressed another napkin to her eyes.
“Oh hun,” Her voice cracked slightly, pitching higher than normal before she cleared her throat, “I’ll try my best yeah?” She sniffed harshly before turning to him, “Call me if anything happens okay? I’ll be calling during my breaks too.” He nodded numbly, the cinema screen in his brain split between his Mom’s endless pain, gleaming amber eyes, and the tight knots that cramped in his stomach and refused to go away.
And then there was the way the lights on the wall illuminated with a soft glow and the curtains were still because the night was beginning to grow old and the wind was barely there but still left a permanent chill in the air. The way the lizard that resided at the very corner of the wall started to croak similar to a bird and scared his mom sometimes in the middle of the night but she didn’t have the heart to take it away because lizards were in Canada too. He thinks they named the lizard Jimster, or was it Chimmy?
His mom sniffed again and Langa blinked, trailing his eyes over to her, brown eyes that were still so tired, and exhausted. Much like how Langa’s was the day he wasn’t feeling well but still came to school ‘cause he and Reki had an exam together and he didn’t want to have Reki do the exam alone and then somehow everything became too much and too little but Reki still hugged him anyway at lunch and told him it was normal to get like that when you were sick.
Langa shook his head, forcing himself to zone back into the conversation, the silence becoming too long. Part of Langa wished to understand how he could think too little sometimes, too much the next, and a mix of the in-between like how he was now. He cleared his throat, thinking of some sort of filler words to clear away the awkwardness but his tongue became lead and he stayed still.
His mother wiped at her eyes, her slender arms tugging him into a warm hug and Langa flopped into it, finally used to the outright affection. More so due to Reki holding his hands sometimes whenever he started to notice all the eyes on him or giving him tight hugs whenever Langa’s day would dip or whenever Reki’s day would dip or if it was just a normal happy day and hugs made it so much better.
He felt her kiss his greasy hair, flat against his scalp before she sniffed again, “Take care of yourself okay? Well, I know you could but tomorrow, don’t push yourself. I called your teachers in advance already but if school is comforting for you then send me a quick message.”
Langa felt the hug tighten before he was pulled from the warmth and another soft kiss was pressed to his forehead. “I love you.” He looked up to see her sad smile, eyes still brimming with tears. He nodded because he was always nodding, Langa wasn’t sure if there was anything else he could do but nod, “Love you too Mom.” He moved his hand, awkwardly patting her shoulder and she laughed a little brighter before sobering. “I hope you aren’t like this with that crush of yours.”
Langa felt a different type of heat fill his face and he blinked before grimacing, “No.” His face burned more, at least he didn’t think so, right? He nibbled on his lip, mentally running through multiple memories. He doubted he was ever awkward with Reki. It was impossible to be considering how easy it was to be around him. With his bright smiles and raspy laughs and the way he would smack lightly at Langa's hand whenever he got too excited or bounce ideas spontaneously and give Langa fresh conversations so he wouldn’t zone out for too long.
But then Langa's mind flitted to the black hole in their friendship where words were hard to say and all he could feel was awkward and pathetic and selfish.
His mom laughed harder in response and Langa groaned, shoving her lightly as he chased away his thoughts. “Why out of all the topics to talk about, you choose this.” He asked frowning, his face hot with embarrassment.
She snorted, ruffling his hair, “This is a milestone for me dear, I’m so happy to finally be the type of Mom who gives dating advice”.
Langa scoffed but allowed a smile to creep onto his lips. The sludge he was stuck in slowly diluted and he could relax.
“You change so quickly whenever Reki is involved.” He grumbled lightly, amusement ringing through his tone. She grinned, “Like mother, like son.”
“Just who have you been hanging around with,” Langa groaned, dropping his head into his hands.
“Well,” She giggled, tilting her head and tapping her cheek in a pretense of wonder. “There was this child who came in with food poisoning a while ago.” She chuckled, “You wouldn’t believe it but he ran away from the hospital, the scariest time of my life. He came back the next day though. Thinking of him now, he reminded me of you a little.” She said in amusement, ruffling Langa’s hair so much that some of the strands stuck up from the friction.
Langa's face scrunched, “You adopted this from a kid.” He leaned back and raised his hand as if to stop her, blinking a few times in acting disbelief. She laughed even harder, clutching her stomach, “Why must you judge me you silly goose.” She answered, leaning back and sucking in air. Langa couldn’t help but smile in relief as her eyes filled with tears for a better reason. Her face flushed from laughing so much.
A sudden sharp pang hit Langa in the heart. He ignored it, shaking his head to push the conversation forward and the dark thoughts back. Thankfully his Mom didn’t notice and she smiled her famous gummy smile, all her teeth glinting like rare white pearls. “You picked up that move from a kid too. I’m sure of it” She grinned, poking at his arm.
“Reki picked that up from Miya.” He swatted lightly at her fingers. She tilted her head eyes lighting with intrigue and familiarity, “Miya?” Langa nodded, thinking of a way to summarise the younger skater. He could vividly remember the way Miya would swat at Reki every time the latter tried to sneak a fry in those disgusting protein pouches. “He’s like a miniature bolt of lightning, very sparky.”
He didn’t expect her to lapse into another round of laughter.
Langa shoved her once more, a few chuckles escaping him. “I was being serious.” He poked her arm, “Stop laughing at me you elephant.” The traitor of his mother wheezed, wiping at her eyes. “Your humor reaches the sky dear, I can’t help it.” She hopped off the table, moving to grab a glass and fill it with water. “Haven’t laughed so hard all day.” She smiled loosely, sipping the water. Langa frowned, “At me, if you give me the luxury of correcting your sentence-”
He paused, muscles tensing as a chirpy ringtone rang through the air. For a second his Mom froze too before, almost as if in slow motion, her eyes widened and she immediately ditched the glass, speeding to the phone.
The joyous mood dissipated so suddenly that Langa fell with it, stuck back in the black hole and swimming around in the now thickening sludge of nothingness.
His world became muted, eyes trained on her as her mouth worked fast, expression becoming increasingly urgent. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything as his mother grabbed her coat, kissing his forehead goodbye before rushing to the front door.
Langa didn’t realize that the cramp left amid the happiness until it returned with twice as much pain, sinking through his stomach as if to represent the impending doom that came across his mind.
His hands twitched and he felt his heart twist painfully, his life being placed on pause and he could only stare at the blur of brown hair, the tiny splinters of his thoughts slowly coming to form his future for the upcoming day.
The loud bang echoed through the house like an ancient ring to a memorial. A memorial in memory that Langa was alone.