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Hailey is checked out and has nothing left in her by the time she finishes her stack of paperwork. The exhaustion of the day has sunk its way deep into her bones and she kicks herself for not accepting Kevin's offer to help when she clocks the time on her computer.
It's nearly ten, and she is more than ready to take the hottest shower she can withstand and fall into bed.
She packs up her stuff quickly and moves down the front stairwell, pushing through the gate and blowing out a sigh. She holds her duffle over one shoulder with a tight fist and stuffs her other in a coat pocket as she goes down the next set of stairs, and then heads for the front doors.
She is nearly home free until her sergeant's voice stops her just before she can slip out. She turns and doesn't try to hide the annoyance that comes over her face as she makes her way to the front desk.
"Not a hey, hi, what can I do for ya?" Trudy asks with a smug smile.
Hailey inhales deeply through her nose and forces a smile. "Hey. Hi. What can I do for you, Sarge?"
"Ah, going with the smartass bit again, are we? That's cute."
"Did you call me over here just to bust on me or do you actually need me for something? Got OT?"
"Yeah, right. Fat chance of that happening. You got enough going on without getting beat down from overtime on top of everything else," Trudy says before bending over and reaching beneath her desk. She pops up a second later, something folded up and clutched in one hand, and steps out from behind the desk, curling two fingers at Hailey. "Come with me."
Hailey sighs but follows her to the small office across the way. "I'm good. Really, if you want an extra body tonight — "
"What I want..." Trudy starts, closing the door behind them once they're inside. She holds up her right hand, waving it back and forth, and Hailey inhales a quick breath as she plops a large envelope down on the desk beside them. "...is for you to explain this to me."
Hailey stares down at it, swallowing noticeably at the sight of the lopsided postage stamp she threw on in a hurry to get the damn thing out of her sight once and for all.
She steels herself and blows out another heavy breath. "What is there to explain? That was supposed to be sent out with the mail this afternoon. I put it in the right basket."
"Yeah," Trudy nods. "Yeah, you did, but I grabbed it before cut-off."
"You had no right to do that," Hailey says, shaking her head. "This has nothing to do with you. It's none of your business, Trudy."
"Maybe not, but I've made it a habit of making things my business when I think someone is making a mistake, and you happen to be making a damn big one."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I know he messed up, okay? And I know you're hurting, but this isn't the way. I'm not about to stand by and watch you throw it all away," Trudy says, pointing down at the envelope. "So, you take this, and you take it home, and you think long and hard about what this means if you go through with it."
Hailey shrugs her shoulders and gives her a flippant smile. "I have thought about it. We both signed 'em. There's nothing left."
"That's bull, and you know it," Trudy chokes out, her voice raising and cracking in desperation.
Hailey flinches, cursing herself as she tries to blink away the tears that come too quickly and takes a good look at the woman in front of her. The sight of her eyes pooling with tears twists and pulls at Hailey's insides, has her taking half a step back as if she's been struck across the face.
She has seen Trudy angry and stubborn and worried on plenty of occasions, but she has never heard her raise her voice like this, never seen her look as distraught as she does right now.
"Don't throw it away," Trudy says again, pleading and staring her in the face. "He made mistakes and he hurt you and I get it. I'm not telling you to go easy on the guy. You make him grovel, you make him work like hell for your forgiveness, but don't you dare take the easy way out. Not after everything the two of you have been through together."
"The easy way out? You think this has been easy for me? I'm not the one who left, Trudy," Hailey says. Her words fall flat off her tongue, trying to feign indifference, but the soft underlying of her voice gives her away and her face does too. "I'm not the one who left and I'm not the one who stayed gone, who gave up first. I tried, and I kept trying. He only wanted to talk to me when he realized it was too late. And now…now I'm done trying."
"Then you're a coward!" Trudy cries out, frustration evident, and disappointment too. "The Hailey Upton I know isn't a coward. She doesn't roll over and give up, not for anything or anyone. She fights."
"There's nothing left to fight for," Hailey bites back, pulling her hand out of her pocket and gesturing to the desk. "I just wanna be done, and those papers are how that happens."
Trudy snorts, dropping her head and shaking it slowly before looking up to meet Hailey's eyes again. She blows out a sigh and waves a hand at her as she turns on her heel and pulls open the door.
"Then do whatever you wanna do. I've said my piece," Trudy calls back over her shoulder, and then she steps out of the office.
Hailey is left standing there alone, tears falling, one minute passing, then two, and another until she hears a rustle of feet behind her from the open doorway.
She glances over her shoulder, spotting a few familiar faces strolling through to clock in for the next shift of patrol. She turns and looks straight ahead again and takes a deep breath as she closes her eyes, trying to compose herself as best she can.
She opens her eyes after a minute or so, and swipes her thumbs under them, and then she glances back down at the envelope left behind. She scoops it up with a hasty grab and folds it back up, and moves to leave, but ends up standing in the open doorway.
Trudy is back at her post behind her desk, barking out orders and schedules with a harsher bite behind her words than usual, but she doesn't look Hailey's way, and for that she is grateful.
She stuffs the envelope in her duffle and steps out of the doorway, pivots for the doors to her left, and makes her way out of the district.
A hot shower does well enough for her aching body, but it does nothing for Hailey's mind as she comes out of the bathroom with her head aching more now than it did before.
She towels off her hair before tossing it to the bed, and then plops down at the foot of it. She inhales deeply, trying to get a grip on her racing thoughts and shaking hands as her gaze drifts across the room. It's just enough space for one, and it is another painful reminder that, that is all she is now. All alone and on her own without a partner, without the other half who is the only person that ever made her feel whole.
She casts another quick glance over the room, at the scattered boxes that take up just about the entirety of the shoebox she calls an apartment. She's been there nearly six months now, but it looks as if she only just moved in a week ago.
She kept putting if off as just being busy, that she had no time with one case after the next coming in and no time to rest since Adam was out on leave, but the simple fact is this place doesn't feel like home and it gnaws at her.
Her gaze shifts from box to box and the array of frames and posters against the wall, some that are hers and others that are not. Then her eyes land on the couch that she's been sleeping on, and she turns her head slowly, glancing behind her at the perfectly made bed she sits on now. The gnawing in her gut worsens at the realization that she hasn't slept in it since the day she filed those goddamn papers.
She only notices she is crying again when her vision blurs, and she wipes away at her tears with a huff before she sinks to the floor and reaches for a box. Maybe distraction is what she needs right now. Maybe if she finally unpacks everything this place will start to feel like home.
She pulls open the flaps of the box and reaches inside, pulling out a frame of a younger picture of herself and sets it aside. She reaches for another and as she lifts it, breathing becomes next to impossible at the sight of a photo of her and him and Adam from years ago.
She gasps for breath, shoulders shaking as tears come quickly and fall just as fast, and then she's met with another painstaking realization that this place will never feel like home. Not really. She hasn't felt at home since he left, and then didn't come back, and it cuts deep all over again, stinging painfully as more tears come and fall.
She doesn't want to be angry, and has been deluding herself into thinking she's not, but she knows she is. She is so fucking angry.
At herself for not fighting harder, at Trudy for calling her out, at Jay for not fighting at all until it was too late, at herself even more for giving up when all she wants is him. Because as angry as she is, she misses him too, maybe even more, and it seems like such an unfathomable thing to be able to love someone and hate them all at the same time.
She drops the frame then, her anger bubbling, and pushes the entire box away with a hard shove before leaning back against the bed behind her. She blinks away more tears as she struggles to breathe, her hands shaking in her lap. She tilts her head back and closes her eyes, taking one deep breath after another.
It feels like hours have passed until she opens her eyes again, and the lit display on the stove across the room tells her it's only been minutes.
Her gaze drops to her duffle on the floor by the couch, to the envelope sticking out of it, and she leans forward, crawling towards it. She pulls her phone from a pocket and shuffles back to her spot by the bed, wiping a thumb under each of her eyes before swiping one across the screen.
Hailey stares at his messages that have sat unanswered on her phone for nearly two months now. They had started coming about two weeks after she first sent the papers, and they kept coming until she got the last one.
A week later, she got the papers back with his signature on them.
She had thought about replying and almost did, almost called him too more than a few times, thinking maybe they could repair all the damage that had been done between them. But then she leaned into the resentment, figuring there was no point.
She waited months for him to talk to her while he was gone, talk to her just because he wanted to and because he missed her, to tell her he'd be coming home, but he never did. It didn't sit all that well with her that he had only started reaching out because she'd been brave enough to initiate what was needing to be done. What she knew was coming.
At least, she thought it was needed.
She was so sure she knew exactly what she wanted when she filed those papers, thought she knew when she signed them too, and when she sent them off, but now she has no fucking idea.
Looking at his messages again now, she can't help wondering if she made the right decision. It had become some twisted, self-deprecating game she played just about every night; she'd wonder what-if this and what-if that until the early morning hours until her eyes would finally droop with a heaviness she could no longer avoid, and sleep would come to her.
She stares down at her phone for another moment, her tears drying against her cheeks, and then she turns her head just slightly and glances to that annoying yellow-orange envelope sticking out from her duffle.
She looks back at her phone, her finger hovering over the screen until she taps at his contact. She has no idea what makes her do it, but she takes a deep breath and presses the pad of her finger against the little green icon and brings the phone to her ear.
She knows what to expect though, just like all the times she called him before now. It'll be five rings she hears, and then she'll get his voicemail. She can't help wondering if maybe hearing his voice is what she needs right now even though she's still not all that sure what she needs at all.
Except it doesn't ring five times. It barely rings twice before it clicks through, and she hears his voice for the first time in what feels like a lifetime on the other end of the line.
She freezes, her stomach dropping, heart stopping. She could hang up, text him and say it was a mistake, but then he's calling out her name, sounding as sad and desperate as she feels.
"H-Hailey?"
She opens her mouth only to close it just as quickly.
"Hailey? Are you there? Are you alright?"
She nods, then rolls her eyes at her own stupidity. He can't see her.
"Y-yeah. Yeah, I'm here," Hailey croaks out. She hates the familiar sting of tears that threaten to spill from her eyes again. She thought she was done crying, but just the sound of his voice nearly breaks her all over again. How many times can her heart break until there is nothing left?
"Are you okay?"
No, I'm not okay at all.
"I didn't expect you to pick up," she says instead.
"I didn't expect you to call," Jay says, blowing out a heavy breath on his end. "Guess we're both full of surprises today."
"Guess so. How — "
She almost says it.
How are you?
It would have been purely out of habit too. It's what they had become in the last year before she sent the papers; small talk, no conversation, a few minutes, and some awkward pauses until they said goodbye, hung up the phone, and did it all over again a few weeks later.
"It's good to hear your voice," Jay says.
Hailey sighs softly, almost tells him the same when a commotion trickles through the speaker from his end.
"It's loud there today," she says.
"Oh, uh, yeah," Jay says, going quiet for a moment. "Always is the day before an assignment."
"Oh. Can you talk then? You're probably busy — "
"I can talk for a few minutes. Just one sec."
He goes silent on his end again, and after another moment the bustling drowns out, muffled from wherever he's gone to, and then she hears him again.
"Is that better?"
"Yeah," Hailey says, leaning her head back against the bed. "So, how long?"
"How long for what?"
"You said it was the day before an assignment, that you only had a few minutes. I'm just wondering how long it'll be until we finish this conversation, or if we should even have it at all right now."
It's not a dig at him, though she's sure it probably sounds that way. She knows he's busy, that he has responsibilities and priorities that no longer include her. It is what it is now, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
"Give me — " He pauses, and she hates that she still knows him well enough to know he's glancing at some watch on his wrist — "Ten…no, twelve. Twelve hours. Can you give me twelve hours?"
"Might be your shortest assignment yet," Hailey mutters.
"Can we talk then?"
"Sure," she says, nodding again to herself.
"You never answered my question."
She swallows. "What question is that?"
"Are you okay? It's not that I'm not happy you called, but you never answered my texts, and you didn't call me back when...when...you know when."
"Yeah, it's a shitty feeling isn't it?" It comes out before she can stop herself.
"Hailey — "
"I didn't call to do this. I don't wanna argue with you, Jay."
"Why did you call?"
"Truthfully? I don't really know. I'm sitting here in my apartment, and I got reamed out by Platt earlier, and I — " she sighs loudly, then figures to hell with it. "Why did you ask me if the divorce is what I wanted?"
"I – I guess I was hoping you might change your mind."
"But you signed the papers," she says.
"Yeah, I did. And I've been regretting it every day since," Jay says. A minute passes, then another, but she waits, and then she hears him take a deep breath. "I thought it was what you wanted."
"But you don't want it?"
"Of course I don't, Hailey. I never wanted that. I know I haven't been good to you, that none of this has been fair, and…and I know I shouldn't have left. But I don't know how to fix it. It's been a year, and I still don't know how to fix it or be the man you deserve. I mean, would you even let me try at this point?"
"I don't know," she says.
It hurts, he can't say that it doesn't, but what hurts more is not being able to remember the last time they had an honest conversation like this one.
"I'm still so angry about everything. I'm angry all the time now. And I'm…"
"You're angry with me," Jay finishes.
"I am, but I miss you too," she all but whispers, afraid to say the words out loud. "I miss you and I don't know how to stop missing you."
"I miss you too. Every day, all the time."
Hailey closes her eyes, sniffling and wiping her nose, and then she sucks in a breath. "What do we do with that then?"
"What do you want?"
"I know what I don't want, how about that?"
"Okay," Jay says. She can hear the smile behind it, and it tugs at her. "What don't you want?"
"I don't wanna be angry anymore. I don't wanna feel the way I've been feeling for the last year. But…"
"It's okay. You can tell me the truth."
She takes a moment, takes a breath, and sits up a little straighter. "I don't know how to get past any of it. And I don't want you to think it's gonna be easy or that I can just forgive and forget. We both signed those papers, and we both said things we can't take back. We aren't who we used to be."
"I know, and I know it won't be easy either, but I'm not asking for easy here, Hailey. I'm asking for a chance. Can you give me a chance? Can you let me try to fix things?"
"I don't..." she says. She groans, lifting a hand to her head and running her fingers through her hair. "What would that even look like? It's been a year, Jay. And you're there and I'm here, and...and why now? What the hell is the point?"
"You tell me. You called me."
He's got her there, and it has her slouching back against the bed again and tucking her knees to her chest, blowing out another deep breath as she contemplates what he's laid out for her. It wouldn't be all that hard to say yes to him, to start over and move forward. She's just not sure she has the strength to do it.
It's never been easy for her to put herself out there, to be vulnerable with people, to love so freely, and she can't imagine it would be an easy thing to do all over again with the one person who broke her beyond repair to begin with.
"You don't have to answer right now," Jay says, cutting into the silence that has settled on the line. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, how many miles are between them, or what has been said and done. He still knows her, and because of that he won't push her. "We can talk when I get back, so how about you just sleep on it, and...and we'll talk again soon. Does that sound okay?"
"Okay," Hailey breathes out. Another twelve hours is nothing compared to an entire year. "Be safe."
"I will. Thank you," Jay says, and it baffles her for a moment the way he says it, as if she'd ever not want him to be well. "You be safe too. We'll talk soon."
They don't say goodbye, just end the call, and that's that for now. Hailey drops her phone down beside her, not feeling lighter, just more confused. She has no idea what she wants and knows that probably won't change after twelve hours. The only thing she knows right now is she won't be sleeping tonight.
Hailey somehow manages to get a couple hours of rest. It's not enough by any means, and even though she still doesn't know what to do about her and Jay and that goddamn envelope she left in her apartment, she knows she can't do her job the way she should be doing it. Not like this. Not with everything up in the air and her mind reeling.
She waits until after lunch, when the bullpen is relatively quiet, and they haven't caught another case yet. She makes her way to her sergeant's office, not bothering with a knock as she steps inside and closes the door behind her. She turns and meets his eyes, inhaling a breath.
Voight leans back in his chair and nods slowly at her, knowing before she even speaks. He doesn't question her request for furlough, doesn't ask if she's okay, just tells her to get out and go home, and do what she needs to do.
It's certainly not the best time for her to take three weeks off with Ruzek still out, and Torres doing God knows what, but she doesn't really care all that much either right now. She needs to be selfish, needs to put herself first.
Hailey says a quick goodbye to Kim and Kevin, throws a friendly smile to the patrol officers that Platt had loaned out to Intelligence, and sneaks down the back stairwell to the roll-up.
She feels lighter the moment she steps outside into the parking lot until she glances to the street and her heart stops.
She sees the truck first, parked at the curb just outside the gate, and then she sees Jay standing at the hood with his arms crossed in front of him. He looks terrified, but he still gives her a warm smile when their eyes meet across the lot.
Her mind is reeling again, and her heart racing, but she puts one foot forward, then another, taking slow steps until she's standing in front of him on the sidewalk.
Hailey stares at him, eyeing him up and down and taking him in, wanting to recommit every detail of him to her memory. Just in case.
She can see the skin that isn't covered by his winter coat is sun-kissed and the freckles splattered across his face are more recognizable. His hair is longer, the scruff on his face fuller, and he seems taller too even though she knows he's not.
She's not sure what to say. A simple hello doesn't seem fitting enough for the tension that looms in the few feet of space between them.
"So," Jay drawls out, pushing up off the door of the truck. He drops his arms to his sides, stuffing his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "I have a confession to make."
She almost smiles. It's as if no time has passed at all, as if there aren't a thousand other things they could possibly say to each other. "What would that be?"
"I was at an airport in Bogota last night when you called me. It was my first connecting flight out of Bolivia," he says, shifting his weight between his feet. "There was no assignment. I was coming back here. I would have come back the moment I got those damn papers, but I had to finish things up there, tie up loose ends."
Her heart aches at the admission, but whether it's good or bad is to be decided. She nods slowly, stuffing her hands in her coat pockets.
"Why didn't you tell me that last night?"
"I think I was scared you'd tell me not to bother," he says.
Hailey shakes her head as she drops her eyes to the ground below. Tears are already burning in the corners of them, and she sniffs, trying to hold them back as she looks up at him again.
"I would never tell you not to come back. Chicago is your home, too," she says quietly.
"I wasn't coming home to Chicago, Hailey. I was coming home to you. I told you I missed you, and I meant it. I miss you, and I'm sorry. I know that's not enough right now, but I am. I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. For shutting you out, for not coming home sooner."
She has no idea what to say to that, so she says nothing, just stands there and takes it in. It's easy when it's just a phone call and there is distance and she can try to compartmentalize once it's all over, but him saying the words she never thought she'd hear has the broken pieces of her heart starting to meld together again.
"A lot has happened since you left," Hailey says, finding her voice after another moment even if it's a voice she doesn't quite recognize. "A lot has happened, and a lot has changed."
Jay nods quickly, swallowing harshly. "I know, but one thing that hasn't changed for me is how much I love you. I'll always love you and I meant that too. And I know that technically, we're divorced, but – "
He stops when she shakes her head, his brows lifting curiously.
"Technically no, we're not," Hailey says. Her mouth twists into a sheepish smile despite her teary eyes and she hooks a thumb over her shoulder. "I dropped the envelope with the papers in the mail basket, but it never got sent."
He smiles too then, hopeful and still curious. "How come?"
"Because Platt stuck her nose in things the way she always does," Hailey says, shrugging her shoulders.
"I'm gonna need to remember to thank her one day then," Jay says, nodding slowly as he casts a quick glance at the building behind her. His smile remains, still hopeful as he looks back to Hailey. "So, we're still married? I'm still your husband?"
"Unless you don't wanna be," Hailey says, her smile fading.
"Do you want me to be?" He throws back at her.
She knows this it, that the ball is in her court, and the fear of that fact cripples her. It makes her heart race again, still, and it makes her fist her hands tightly to keep them from shaking, her mind still spinning with one what-if after another.
He stares at her and waits as her gaze falls back to her feet. It's as if another year passes before she finally meets his eyes again.
"I can't watch you walk away again," Hailey says.
"You won't," Jay assures her quickly, his own eyes filling with tears and locked on hers with a sincerity in them she hasn't seen in too long of a time. She's always been able to read him, and it's a welcomed comfort knowing that she still can even now.
She nods slowly, her bottom lip quivering as tears fall from her eyes, leaving a trail down her cheeks.
"Then I want you to be," she says quietly.
He nods, breathing out in relief. His tears fall from his eyes, but he doesn't bother to wipe them away, just stares at the woman in front of him who he knows he doesn't deserve.
He looks at her with a sudden uneasiness about him then, and juts out his chin as he pulls his hands from his pockets and holds out his arms.
"C-can I…?"
Hailey nearly stops breathing at just the thought of his arms around her again, but she nods slowly after a moment and pulls her hands from her pockets too. Her body tenses in a way that is out of her control when he steps forward and wraps his arms around her shoulders.
She trembles in his arms now, but doesn't move to hug him back until her head finally catches up with her heart, and then she loops her arms around his waist, squeezing tightly and as if her life depends on it.
She finally feels like she can breathe again.
"I missed you," Hailey mutters between them.
"Missed you, too," Jay says, closing his eyes as he squeezes her against him.
They stand there on the sidewalk, relishing in their embrace that has been a long time coming, neither really wanting it to end, but knowing it has to.
"What now?" Jay asks once he lets her go. "Where do we go from here?"
Hailey shrugs, biting at the inside of her cheek and mulling over his question. It's a damn good one, but she can't say she doesn’t appreciate the fact that he lets her take the lead.
She stuffs her hands back into her pockets, the space between them smaller now, but the tension still thick as ever.
"Are you hungry? There's a diner a couple blocks away from my new place," Hailey says after a moment. "They got decent coffee, and they serve breakfast all day."
He smiles at that, memories of a hundred mornings spent together over a waffle iron flitting through his mind. As much as things have changed, it's good to know that some things haven't.
"I'll follow you," Jay says, and it nearly knocks her off her feet.
"I'm going where you go."
"If I was gonna follow someone blind, I'd follow you."
"I'd follow you anywhere."
"Where you go, I go."
Hailey nods and gives him a small smile before she backs away, and then turns on her heel. She makes her way to her car, casting a glance over her shoulder to make sure she isn't losing her mind.
She's not. Jay is already in the cab, truck running and headlights on, waiting for her.
She climbs into her car and seconds later, pulls out of her spot and creeps to the edge of the lot. She turns out onto the street, and drives, glancing in her rearview every few seconds to make sure he’s still there.
He is.
The sight of his truck behind her and knowing he's really back in Chicago has her entire body going numb with a warmth she hasn't felt since he left.
She takes a deep breath and smiles to herself, really smiles, and it's only then she realizes she can't remember the last time she smiled like that at all.
She knows it's not gonna be easy though as she looks back out to the road. They have a lot to talk about, a lot to figure out. They will argue, they will place blame on one another, and there will be more tears and there will be doubts of whether they will make it through this.
They will say harsh words that will sting, but there will be softness too. They will lay everything out and figure out where it all went wrong so it doesn't go that way again. She will need to learn to trust him again, but she will need to choose to trust him too, and he will need to assure her every day and talk to her even when he feels as though he can't.
It's not gonna be easy, but she still loves him, and he still loves her. She is still his constant when everything else is muddled, and he is still her anchor, keeping her steady and grounded when things go wrong.
It's not gonna be easy, but they're gonna make it.