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A moment of vulnerability. A moment she doesn’t show often, only on her worst nights, where she can’t stop the tears, can’t get enough of the pain; where she weeps for her losses, for all the pain she’s gone through, and for the addiction to it all, prohibiting her from ever getting better.
Fresh bruises and self-inflicted injuries cover her arms and her chest, her brain fogged up with the feeling of the stinging as her cuts are exposed to the air and treated with disinfectant, his hands gently holding her wrist in place.
“Yelan… Yelan, hey,” His soft voice calling her name snapped her out of the trance she was in, and she looked down at him with guilty eyes, a slight pout on her lips, “Are you okay? Does this hurt?”
“...Yes, but it’s fine.” She mumbled, her voice hoarse, throat raw.
She can’t help but feel guilty, as though he shouldn’t be having to deal with her episodes, all her injuries; he must have better things to do than clean up his stupid, emotional girlfriend, but as she looks at his eyes, how focused he is, how gentle he is, maybe he truly doesn’t mind it.
“You need a hot drink, it’ll help you feel better,” Xiao looks up at her, and she meets his eyes, her face immediately turning red, “Would you like some tea, or something?”
“Really, you… you don’t have to care for me like this, I’m fully capable of doing it myself,” Yelan whispers, looking away from his eyes, but the feeling of his gaze burning into her skin continues to redden her face.
“I want to help you. There is a reason you wanted me here, and I will be here until you get sick of me,” His voice is firm, but the words are spoken with good intentions, and she knows that his words are true, even if she wants to deny it.
He continues disinfecting and bandaging her wounds, his grip tight but gentle as he wraps the bandage around her forearm, and she sighs, looking back down at him, her expression pained as the wounds seem to pulse beneath the wrap, “...I’m sorry, I really am.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” He clasps the bandage in place with a pin, looking up and meeting her eyes, “I promise you I don’t mind. If I did, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
“Mhm… I know you would never ignore me, but how do I know you’re not just doing it out of obligation?” Tears begin to fall down her face, and she takes her arm from him, avoiding his eyes, wiping her tears. She feels so silly crying, especially in front of him, when it seems as if all he knows is a strong, mysterious, seemingly devoid-of-emotion woman; but she’s sure that he knows better than anyone that people aren’t always what they claim to be.
“Hey, it’s okay, don’t cry,” He pulls her into his arms, and she absolutely loses it, breaking down, tears pouring down her face, eyes bloodshot and swollen, and all she can muster up is a plethora of apologies, despite the constant reassurance she’s been receiving. He hugs her tight, whispering to her, “You don’t have to apologize, I promise.”
She clung onto him like he was her last lifeline, weeping into his shoulder, the stinging sensation of her wounds finally getting past the pleasure systems in her brain and starting to cause genuine discomfort, and for once, she regrets what she has done to herself. They line her arms, her chest, down her stomach, and it feels like her body is on fire, like flames are erupting out of the cuts along her skin.
“...It hurts, more than I want it to,” Yelan can’t help but think she sounds pathetic, practically whining in his ear, tears soaking the skin of his shoulder, “They’re all over me, and they burn, so bad,”
“Maybe you should take a shower, it could help you feel better, and lessen the stinging… I’m not sure,” He suggested, slightly pulling away from her, far enough to look her in the eye. Her cheeks were wet with tears, her eyes bloodshot and swollen, and she kept sniffling, a solemn look on her face.
Her hands lingered on his body for a moment before she brought them back to her sides, and she nodded, avoiding his eyes and looking at the floor beneath them, and all the supplies from the open first-aid kit that were scattered messily on the floor, “...Will you come with me?”
“What?”
“Will you… shower with me?” She repeated, face reddening out of embarrassment, her eyes fixed on the bandages that covered her arms. Yelan was not normally flustered like this when making such a request, but under the current circumstances, it felt awkward and perhaps a little unnecessary to ask such a thing.
“Of course.” He hummed in agreement, and it shocked her to her core, as she did not expect him to say yes; it was just a desperate attempt to remain close to him, close to his warmth and his gentleness.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely, now come.” He grabs her hand, and they walk together towards the bathroom, the dull ache in her heart beginning to finally go away, a realization hitting her mind.
Once they’re inside, she stands idly, face red with embarrassment. She was afraid; up until this point, they will have never seen each other bare in such depth, where they can see everything, all the scars, blemishes, and imperfections; every other time they’d seen each other, there was no time to notice things like that being in a drunken haze of lust and love. She was afraid he would see her scars and recoil in disgust, regretting his decision; afraid that he would judge her, finding them ugly; these thoughts continued to burden her mind, until the sound of his voice cut through her thinking, breaking her from the trance she was in.
“What’s wrong?” The concern in his voice made her face redden even more, and she shook her head, beginning to undress herself.
“Nothing,” Hesitantly, she slipped her clothing off, including the bandages on her arms, despite them already being disinfected, and she avoided his eyes the whole time she was undressing, her gaze practically burning holes into the wall instead. She had never been nervous like this, it was extremely uncharacteristic of her; however, in an emotional state, she supposes she is more aware, unlike when they’re on a lust-driven high.
“Wow,” Xiao mumbles, and she practically jumps out of her skin, immediately taking it in a bad light, but he clears his throat, “You’re very nervous. Are you sure you want to do this? What’s wrong?”
“...My scars. I… don’t like them, and I’m just worried you will find them disgusting–”
“Of course I wouldn’t. Look at my own,” He steps closer to her, and she finally looks at him, noticing that he’s also undressed, her eyes fixated on the scars that cover his toned body, the ones that line his arms, legs, and run up his chest, and her face reddens, the tips of her ears burning, “Please don’t doubt that.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a mess tonight I guess,” She whispers, and he shakes his head, stepping close enough to her that he is able to place his hands on her waist.
“Your scars are beautiful,” His hands slide down her curves, feeling every ridge, bump, and scar that lines her hips and waist, caressing her hips, “Every inch of you is perfect. Every scar, every blemish, every imperfection; it’s all perfect. It’s what makes you, you.” He looks up at her, eyes fixated on hers, his hands placed on her hips.
If her face could get any redder, she’s sure she would look like a tomato at this point; his compliments drive her insane, while also relaxing her worked up mind, to a point where her brain just feels like jelly. The feeling of his hands on her hips, sliding over the curves of her body, how he ogles the scars that cover her skin; it was all intoxicating, such a pleasant feeling, and one that made her feel like she was floating.
“You make me feel like I really am beautiful, even with all the scars I have,” She whispers. It was such a sweet and tender moment, a beautiful exchange between the two, something special and unforgettable.
“You are beautiful,” His hands move up her body, towards her chest, but he brings them back down, “The most beautiful woman I’ve met, and will ever meet,” He runs his fingers across the wounds that cover her stomach and chest, feeling the way her body tenses, and he sighs, pulling away from her and reaching to turn the water on.
They step into the shower together, the warm water hitting her skin, and she hisses, the hot water hitting her skin and causing the wounds across her torso to sting and burn. As she settles and gets used to the water, however, it begins to soothe the cuts, causing them to hurt a little less than they did before.
Xiao began helping her clean herself, washing all the cuts and bruises, in order to prevent them from getting infected, and despite her protesting the entire time, claiming she could do it herself, he knew that ultimately, she did enjoy the attention.
“You like it,” He teased, looking up at her, giggling at her red face and the way she avoided his eyes, her stubborn nature finally coming back. A sign that she was feeling better, at least.
“Why can’t you just let me do things?” She whined, as he continued doing it for her, lathering her arms and chest, and despite how much she whined and complained, she never once could pull away from him.
“Well, did you want to do it?” Xiao asked, and her silence was his answer, “Mhm… exactly. Silly.”
She huffed, and once he was done lathering the soap all over her body, she turned around, letting the running water rinse it off her body, her eyes closed.
They continue washing each other up, their playful banter never ending, and eventually, the hot water runs out, and they’re forced to step out of the shower and dry off. Xiao wraps a towel around his waist almost immediately, despite being sopping wet, while Yelan dries mostly all the water off her body, before putting a towel on.
“I’m gonna go find us something to put on,”
“Okay,” She hums in response, towel not yet quite around her entire body, and as Xiao walks out behind her, he quickly slaps her ass, running off with a giggle, and she gasps, yelling after him, “You little shit!”
She quickly wraps the towel around her body, running after him, and it turns into a game of cat and mouse, chasing him around her home, yelling all sorts of profanities and hearing his mischievous giggles, until she finally corners him in her bedroom, to which he admits defeat and flops onto the bed, awaiting her pounce on him.
Yelan jumps onto the bed over top of him, towel still wrapped around her body, but it’s barely covering her at this point, only being held up by the tight wrap she had put on it. She pants, clearly out of breath, “You asshole, making me chase you around the house in a towel…”
“You’re feeling better, hm?” He raises an eyebrow, and she groans, and before he has the chance to speak again, she shuts him up with a kiss.
He immediately reciprocates her kiss, arms wrapping around her neck, bringing her closer to him, the kiss hot, heavy, and quickly turning into a hungry, lust-crazed exchange. The towel that was preserving what was left of her modesty fell off, and she tossed it onto the floor, not caring anymore. However, as much as she wanted the amorous exchange to continue, she pulled away, her lips red and slightly swollen. She turns around with a sigh, stretching.
Xiao sits up, and scoots over to the edge of the bed, behind her, and presses his body against hers, his hands sneaking dangerously low, and she smirks, grabbing his hands and keeping them in place, “You’ll have to wait for that one,”
“Mhm,” He hums, head resting against her back, “You’re beautiful.”
“Yeah, yeah…” A telltale sign she was feeling better, is that she pretends not to acknowledge the compliments, but he can’t see her flushed face, or the wide smile on her face.
Yelan wriggles out of his loving grasp, and walks over to her dresser, pulling out some clothing to wear. She opens his drawer and throws a shirt and pants at him, and listens to his disgruntled complaint about it hitting his face, and she giggles to herself, slipping the clothing on. Once he’s sufficiently clothed, she turns around, and nearly tackles him onto the bed, hugging him tight, despite his protests and his yelps, relishing in the warmth of his embrace.
“I love you,” He whispers, and she feels her skin go hot, her face flushing red, but she shakes the feeling off, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach.
“I love you, too… Thank you for being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She kisses him, and he reciprocates, but instead of it being a hungry, lust-driven exchange, it is sweet, slow and tender, worlds away from the moment they just shared. She lays over top of him, her hands by his head, and his arms wrap around her neck, pulling her down, closer to him, desperate for all the touch that they can get.
Her mind clouds with the feeling of his lips on hers, the soft, tender exchange setting all her senses on fire, desperate for it to never end. She knows that she will continue to have bad nights, that some days, there will be no one to save her, and she will be alone, but on the days that he is there to cherish her, help her through all her troubles, love her; she will truly be indebted to him, for all he has done for her.
Yelan hated the idea of living her life with someone else, afraid that they may go down too, like the rest of them did, but as she comes to terms with the fact that it’s not so bad, she realizes she could spend the rest of her life like this, having someone to kiss, to hug, to play around with… None of it sounds as bad as it did before she began engaging in it.
She knows there will be days where she’s breaking down crying, nightmares getting the best of her once more, but she knows that he will be right there beside her, helping her through it all, and being a shoulder to fall back on when things go wrong.
“Promise me, you’ll always be here for me?” She whispers, pulling away from his lips, looking directly into his hazy, clouded amber eyes.
“I promise. I will love you forever; I will never leave your side.”
There was no hesitation in his response, and she pulled him right back into a sweet, long kiss, her face flushed red, and her heart soaring.
A moment of weakness. A moment where she weeps for her losses, where she can’t get enough of the pain, where she can’t stop crying, and takes it out on herself; but it is also a moment where she is laughing, chasing her partner around the house, where she is kissing all over his face, her happiness taking over her emotions; where she finally feels fulfilled, the hole in her heart being filled, bandaged up, and protected. She no longer fears the prospect of people seeing the parts she doesn’t want them to; she no longer fears what they will think.
A moment of vulnerability. Something that she has finally learned to appreciate, and no longer hide from.