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The pain was like a welcomed friend, embracing her openly.
She had no idea how long she'd been sitting in that room, how long she'd been hiding away. Ever since she'd arrived, all she'd done, was flee. They'd tried to bring her out – 'tried', because she'd absolutely refused to engage, in any way, shape, fashion, or form. Whether it was being dragged along on one of those varied adventures, or having to sit at that long table, to attempt inane conversation with strangers she'd never understand or relate to. Even just getting up on that stage, to participate in the regular song-and-dance intro routine. She had effectively retreated and checked out. No matter if physically, she was present. Her mind was a million miles away, in a state of quiet panic.
Pomni. Her name was Pomni now, right? She couldn't even remember a d*mn thing about who she used to be. Just like everyone else in this miserably colorful freakshow. So, they'd slapped a new moniker on her, and called it a day. And she was just supposed to be...okay with this?
She could still remember everything she'd been told on her first day at the Digital Circus. Everything she'd felt and seen. From her guided tour with that crazy ringmaster, Caine, to Ragatha's explanations, warnings, and apologies, and of course, the incident with 'abstracted' Kaufmo. The entirety of it continued to play on repeat in her head, like an old video cassette. Into the wee hours, until the tape was worn and patchy, images rendered in faded static. Or at least, what she assumed was a late hour. Seeing as she was so distant, time was nothing to her anymore. It couldn't pass by fast enough.
Exit. All she wanted was a way out. That red door had been her one shot at escape, and it had led to absolutely nowhere. Literally. She'd wound up face-to-face with that vast white wasteland, known as the Void, and although living to tell the tale...it didn't mean that she wasn't still haunted by the experience. There was no need to sleep anymore, yet in those rare moments when her paranoia actually allowed her to nod off, that expanse of cursed coding still lingered in her thoughts, just as much as the rest of this mind f*ck.
And so, here Pomni found herself now, silently helping to collect dishes and bring them back to the kitchen. A mini exercise as it were, one last task before retiring for the time being. Half of the group was already gone; it was just her, the rag doll, and that ribbon girl, Gangle or whoever. They were thankfully, left to their own devices. So, conversation was free from scrutiny, though she certainly wasn't a part of things. She didn't want to be. She just wanted to go home...!
But, where was home?
That was when, as the plate in her hands landed in the sink with a clatter, she noticed a slight gleam to the right. Her eyes widened, as slowly, her gloved hand reached down...
...to take hold of a small carving knife.
Why they had utensils and the like for fake food imagery, let alone required any of it to be cleaned, she didn't know. To perpetuate a certain image, a fantasy? To make them feel better, in some way? I.e, productive, as it were? Who really knew, and more importantly, who cared?
Pomni's eyes were darting left and right, digital heart racing as she took in the sight of Ragatha and Gangle chatting off to the side. With a careful snatch and slip, she'd pocketed the blade, before making her way out of the kitchen, and back towards the domiciles.
Just as she was about to open her door, a gentle voice called out to her. “Hey...Pomni?” Slowly turning around, the jester saw that Ragatha was standing behind her, a small, hopeful smile in place. She made no motion to either continue her prior actions or encourage the woman, so after a few seconds, the rag doll went on of her own accord. “Umm, just wanted to say good night. I think you did really well today. So...yeah. Keep at it.” Offering her one last wave, the female proceeded towards her own door. Returning her attention to the barrier before her, and doing her best to ignore the garish image upon it, Pomni slipped inside.
She didn't know if the woman was making fun, or genuinely trying to be nice. She knew it was most likely the latter, but her battered psyche was doing everything in its power to convince her it was the former instead. That nobody around here, no matter if they were in the same situation, would actually give two sh*ts about her. After all, they were far more well-adjusted, while she was figuratively kicking and screaming the whole way through. Still hung up on the thought of departing this realm, no matter if the exit she'd seen had been labelled as nothing more than a fleeting fancy. Unfinished and unavailable.
What about everything she'd witnessed, while running through those various halls, passing through the multiple doors? That computer, with the dingy headset beside it? What did that mean? The last thing she could recall from before, in any sort of capacity, was putting on a headset, not necessarily that one...then, nothing.
And here she was now. Standing in her boldly hued room, with that little knife in her hands. The blade still gleamed in the dim lighting, a tiny bolt of silver lightning being grasped so tight, turned every which way. Her wide eyes were taking in every last detail to the tool, marveling at the edge and tip, in particular.
Today's activity had been strenuous and lengthy. She had been so desperate for it to end, especially as she'd kept getting knocked about and tripped up. It had hurt, more than she'd have expected of such a world as this. She could recall, the various bruises and cuts upon her snow white skin. How they'd had to be healed by Caine; how she'd felt like such a weak pushover in front of everyone else, having taken so much damage. This would never be familiar to her, she would never get used to any of it! She'd never understand, how it was so easy for everyone else to just...surrender, to such a way of existence.
But now, that pain was calling to her. The thought of this ridiculous form she bore, being battered into an unrecognizable shape, was comforting and reassuring. She didn't want it – didn't want any of this! She wanted it gone! She wanted to be gone! Forget just an exit – if she couldn't escape, then at least, give her the option to fully voice how she felt, about every last detail to this place! Starting with this stupid mockery of a body she'd been forced into!
The first slice had been both shocking, and freeing. It had happened in an instant – one moment, she'd simply been breathing hard, trembling as she'd stared at her thin arms, and that sparkling knife. The next, she was now gaping, wide-eyed, at a stinging, staticky line in her skin, split apart just so, slightly wider than the end she'd pressed in, pulling swiftly. No blood spilled forth, but that was fine. The damage she could see, was good enough for her.
No – it wasn't. She needed more. As much as she could possibly handle. As much as she was capable of dealing out. As much as it would take, to drive away the anguish and frustration. The sense of loss, the confusion, the grief. She needed to replace one sensation with another, no matter if all sides were negative. She'd picked her poison, and this was it. A damage she was in control of, that she could decide how to dispense. This world couldn't take that much away from her, at least. They couldn't take away her free will, in regards to this horrid form she'd been bound to and trapped in! She didn't want it, any of it! She'd show them what she really thought! If she couldn't go home...
...then, she'd find her absolution some other way. She'd make the unwanted outside look even worse, to match the twisted inside. Laughing with abandon now, Pomni was eagerly hacking and slicing away, marveling at each new gash, how they multiplied so agonizingly quick upon her skin. The crackling was becoming like white noise, as the tears began to spill over, running down her painted cheeks. And yet...she was smiling. She was laughing. Happy. For once, she was so happy - !
Or...was this simply her breaking point? That was when, with a click, the door opened.
…...
He hadn't known what to expect, upon first unlocking and opening that door.
The cartoonish female face had gazed intently at Jax as the key had slipped into the lock. That bug-eyed, thousand-yard stare. The one that she was famous for, by this point. Granted, he wasn't sure how long she'd been here already, but whatever. It was long enough. He'd given her more than enough space, allowing her to adjust. It was time to have some fun.
And if Pomni wasn't ready to play ball? Well, that wasn't his problem. It'd just make it all the more satisfying, to catch her off-guard, be it with a passing word, or a thoughtfully crafted, custom prank. Tonight, he was going easy on her. No gags or jokes – just an introduction to the pecking order, letting her know that, no matter how much she tried to shut everyone and everything out, he'd still find a way to get under her skin.
Pomni. Pomni, Pomni, Pomni. The only one who'd gotten any sort of close to finding a way out...until she hadn't. Until the dream had been shattered. She'd been the lone face to trigger those red doors, that led to nowhere. The little dreamer had been grounded permanently, and it was time to accept the facts. The sooner she learned to get into the usual routine, the more enjoyable it would be, for all of them. For him.
She was a mystery, wrapped up in a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma. Curious, he was so curious to see her reactions; to spend however many of those moments with her one-on-one, and figure out how she ticked. Then, from there, he could easily manipulate her as he saw fit; add her onto the list as yet another sucker.
For the time being, she was still fresh-faced and naive. So innocent, and full of promise. Soon enough, she'd grow just as jaded as the rest of them, falling into line, and assuming a place in the hierarchy. He was at the top, of course, only second to Caine. After all, it wasn't like anyone else had nearly as much freedom as he himself. He could come and go as he pleased, what with all the keys he'd collected. Sure, he couldn't escape, but that didn't matter. Not when there was so much entertainment to be found in this realm, by virtue of exploration and simple pressing of buttons. As long as he could watch funny things happen to various saps, he was satisfied. Better it be one of them than him, right? Nobody else could play the game nearly as well.
Or, was that just what he told himself, to keep his conscience and subconscious in line? To ignore the dull ache inside, a faint trace of defiance towards this world and its restrictions?
What with how spacey and lost the girl presented as, it was all too reasonable of a thought, to assume that abstraction was right around the corner. And, should that be on the upcoming agenda, Jax at least wanted to make sure he'd gotten his dose of amusement, before she fell apart. Wasn't like he'd bothered to stick his neck out for anyone else before. He'd seen how many faces come and go. Pomni was just another name to add to the list.
Even as abstraction wasn't a pleasant thing to view. Even as he'd kind of-sort of grown used to her red and blue visage, standing in the background of every new expedition. Even as he'd found a joy in watching her constantly tripping over her own two feet, wondering just how far it would go, before she'd finally actually try her hand at lending a hand. Wasn't like they wanted to exclude her or anything. H*ll, it might have been interesting, seeing her get more involved. Who knew what she was capable of, should she decide to let go, and jump in head-first? Nobody did. But, he was on his way to finding out.
A talk. Just a little chat. That's all Jax was after tonight. A simple chance at growing closer, if only to pinpoint more of her weaknesses, and use them to his advantage. She could very well have been sleeping already, for all he knew. But if so, then it was on him to up the ante. Pomni hadn't yet fallen victim to any of his perfectly timed pranks, and it wouldn't be that hard to get away with setting up something small in her domicile, to be triggered upon her awakening. Oh, wouldn't that be a sight for sore eyes!
As he'd drawn nearer to her door however, the rabbitoid had gradually grown aware of a strange sound through the barrier. Leaning in closer, his golden eyes had widened just so. Laughter, and aggressive at that. What, had she finally snapped? Was he about to find another Kaufmo situation, upon unlocking that door? Well, it wasn't like he didn't know how to book it, should the need arise. And all he'd have to do from there, was get Caine on the scene. A good couple of hollers should have been more than enough to attract the attention of his 'all-seeing eyes'.
Though, on the other hand, should Pomni actually abstract, so early in the game...he'd never get his answers. And it would most likely haunt him, more so than any of the others who'd gone before. He'd gotten his chance to mess with every last one of them, to categorize and label, take apart and wear down, eventually getting them settled into the routine. Pomni would be no exception.
So, whistling cheerfully, Jax allowed the door to swing in slowly, instead of kicking it open, like he was usually want to do. This time, a quiet element of surprise was on the agenda, as opposed to a blatant intrusion. He'd grant her that much.
Now, the laughter was far louder, and notably disturbed. For just the briefest moment, Jax felt the hint of a shiver slip down his spine. Just what could the girl be up to, to elicit such a sound? He got his answer soon enough, upon stepping through the doorway, and taking in the sight...
...of a crying, babbling Pomni, voice bouncing off the vibrantly colored walls. His eyes widened. In her hand was a shiny knife, and all across her arms, legs, even face...were vivid slashes, crackling angrily.
Jax's jaw was dropping. This...was not what he'd expected to see. He'd thought that, at most, the jester had been holding some sort of court with herself all alone, retreating into her mind. Potentially going insane, though not to any sort of dangerous extreme.
But this? This was completely unplanned and unhinged. Never had Jax seen anything like it. H*ll, where had she even gotten the blade from? Had she pilfered it from the kitchen? Whatever, it didn't matter! What was important, was that this girl was carving herself up like a turkey, and should nobody step in to stop her...abstraction was almost certainly guaranteed to occur.
However...did he care enough to act?
“Sh*t! You crazy b*tch! Gimme that!” Apparently, he did. Rushing forwards with a swift kick behind him, to shut them out from prying eyes, Jax was diving for the jester. Grabbing her around the waist with one arm, hauling her up, his other hand had wrapped around her wrist tightly, refusing to allow the knife any further access to her person.
He knew that the adjustment period could be rough. But never in all his days, had he ever seen somebody fall apart so violently, willing to harm themselves just to deal with the change! He knew that the thought of death had crossed at least one or two people's minds, but no one had ever actually gone so far as to attempt anything! He hadn't even allowed himself to humor the thought of a temporary suicide! Dying once in this realm by an accidental slip-up, was more than enough to keep the demons at bay.
Now, Pomni was thrashing and screeching in his grasp, legs flailing above the floor. Her free arm was swinging, fist clenched as if to take a swing at him. It wasn't hard for him to dodge the blows though, and she seemed to realize this. So instead, that same fist was connecting solidly with her own face, glitchy sparks flying with every blow. “L-Let me – let me! Just leave me a-alone!” The screaming and tears, the frenzied laughter, had given way to desperate pleading, and Jax knew he had to do more than just what he was doing now. He had to diffuse the situation, whether or not he cared to be a hero.
No - it wasn't heroic, what he was attempting here. It was merely for his own benefit. He couldn't allow Pomni to give up so easily, not before he'd had his fun!
Thus, with a forceful throw, the girl was on her back upon the bed. The rabbit had climbed over her, pinning her under him with both wrists in his grasp. She was still fighting, though her strength seemed to be depleting. God, she was such a mess. The jester had really done a number on herself, so willingly. Was she really that desperate to leave, that she'd f*ck up the new form she'd been given, risking abstraction and a viral condemnation?
“Hey. Hey!” Now Jax was attempting to get through to her verbally. “Cut it out! I'm not letting go!” His voice was harsh in tone as his grip tightened just so. He saw her wince, though he couldn't tell if it was because of him, or the various wounds she'd inflicted upon her person. But gradually, the thrashing beneath him was growing weaker. In another few moments following a second sharp squeeze to her wrists, the knife had fallen from her grasp. Pomni was panting, whimpering pitifully as teary, wide pinwheel eyes were regarding him in a full panic.
Why...why was Jax, of all people here, let alone getting involved to prevent her from this release? She needed this! She needed the pain! She needed the outlet for the hate! She needed to suffer on this level, because it was better than suffering in her current state! She'd rather feel the sting of self-inflicted agony, than the crushing weight of realization...that there was truly no way out.
However, the male was too strong to push away, or break free from. As much as she'd have liked to believe otherwise, Pomni knew that her fit was over, for the time being. She needed to know, why the h*ll was he here to begin with? What did he want from her? Her, of all people – the defunct little freak, who refused to give in, even as she was falling apart? Least likely to succeed in these circumstances, that was her. Just let her go already, and do what had to be done! Let her be free, to ride the high of self-destruction!
Eventually, Pomni's breathing steadied and the struggle ceased, though she was still crying and hiccuping. Now that she had settled some, she could truly feel the ache of her self-inflicted battery. And, the longer time went on, the more she felt sick and weighted. The only sensations, were the pressure and pain. The tears streaming down her cheeks, mingling in the jagged scratches across her painted skin. The feel of a heavier form holding her in place, refusing to let up. The blade had been forgotten how long ago.
After another few seconds of tense silence, Jax spoke. “I'm going to let you go now. And you're going to explain, why the f*ck you were going to town on yourself like a godd*mn lunatic. What do you think this will accomplish?” Locking eyes with her once more, the rabbitoid's stare was uncharacteristically severe. “On the count of three. One...two...three.” In fluid moves, he'd released his hold, sat up, and snatched the knife away, before Pomni could even think about grabbing hold once more. Like he was really going to risk the chance that the fool would either try to hack herself up again, or possibly even him, in retaliation.
Carefully, the girl sat up, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. She winced, hand brushing over the cuts and her swelling face. She couldn't look at him now, feeling a mixture of fear and shame. But, it didn't matter. In one swoop, he'd grabbed hold of her chin, forcing her to regard him as he pocketed the blade.
“I'm not even going to ask where you got this thing from. That's not important.” His eyes were practically boring holes through her tiny form, taking in every last detail to her frazzled and shattered state. “What I want to know, is what the actual f*ck is your problem? Are you trying to wind up in the Cellar already??”
At this, Pomni could feel the tears welling up once more, as she found herself snapping back. “What does it matter what happens to me? I'm just another prisoner here, of my own device! If I hadn't put on that stupid headset, I wouldn't have – this wouldn't have – just let me go! Why do you even care?!”
Jax had to flinch a little at her rebuttal. Care...? Well, he supposed that's what it would look like, from the outside. But that wasn't it at all! He just hated being in the dark, let alone in such a position! He still hadn't gotten a chance to figure her out yet! He needed answers, be it for this current situation, or anything else. As long as he was here, Pomni was not about to be allowed to withdraw and join the others! She had so much potential, if she would just f*cking accept her new reality! It wasn't like it had to be all bad! Just how much pain was she in, to think that this was a proper solution to her situation? Was it even pain, or just disbelief; a need for something solid, to counteract the madness surrounding her?
Yes, this wasn't normal. But, at the same time, it was. This was all they had. She needed to get used to this, and stop either hiding away, or lashing out. So, with a deep breath in, Jax prepared himself for something he'd never though his person capable of, in all his days: encouragement.
“Look. I know this is a big shock for you. This sort of sh*t...isn't easy to swallow. But, you're not going anywhere anytime soon. None of us are, unless you lose your mind any further, and allow yourself to f*cking give up. Accepting this isn't the same thing. It's called adapting.” His words...weren't the most reassuring, he knew this. But, it was all he had on hand. It wasn't like pep talks came to him naturally!
Pomni was still staring at him, that anguished doe-eyed expression to her features. Come to think of it...had Jax ever seen her smile normally, over anything since she'd been here? Of course not – the girl was a veritable basket case, shut down from everyone and everything. And that needed to change, for all their sakes.
Inhaling deeply, the rabbitoid continued on, seeing as Pomni wasn't attempting to interject. “You've been here long enough. You should know by now – if anything happened to you, there would be at least one or two people who'd grieve your loss. That's not a lie.” He was pretty certain Ragatha had taken a liking to the little jester, so she'd definitely have some tears to shed. Plus, even if abstraction had happened before, it wasn't like the event grew any easier to handle for the others, either.
And what about him?
“Lie or not...it doesn't matter. There's no hope.” Pomni's eyes were glancing down now, another sniffle leaving her tiny, pitiful form. In response, Jax's grip on her chin grew stronger, fingertips digging into the pale skin. She winced, and was forced to regard him once more.
Letting out a sigh, Jax could feel his expression softening just so. “Only if you surrender. Giving this place a chance isn't that. But this certainly is. It's a one-way ticket to virtual h*ll. And you know what form that takes.” Why this mattered so much to him, he wasn't sure. But right now, in this moment, he had to get Pomni to see reason. Stumbling onto the scene he had, so suddenly, had triggered something in him. Whether or not he enjoyed the suffering of others...this was just too extreme. He didn't want to see someone hurting themselves, out of some sort of lapse in logic.
Still, Pomni didn't seem to be understanding him. She was really so frantic for an escape, that she would willingly tear herself apart? Was it an attempt at death? Or was she simply that scrambled? He had no clue. But, what he was aware of, was that right now, his words weren't getting through to her. He needed to figure out a way to snap her from this state of dangerous impulsivity. He needed to explain things on a level she could understand. He needed to rekindle her hope.
This wasn't any sort of dream. But, it didn't have to be the end, either. If she was so desperate for an answer, an exit, her freedom...
“If you give up and give in here, then what? You really want to be permanently bound to this place?” Here was where he heard her breath hitch. Good, he had her attention now. So, the rabbitoid went on. “You're so insistent on a way out? Then f*cking hold on, and keep searching. Don't just fall apart like this. What do you think this kind of sh*t is really accomplishing here? It's nothing but an excuse. You're choosing to accept the full nightmare, as opposed to waking up.”
Tilting her head just slightly, Pomni felt the sudden sensation of Jax's hand finally releasing her. “If you're so certain there's an exit, then hold on, and keep fighting. Make this place your home, your b*tch. That's what I did. I might not be on the same path as you, but I certainly haven't rolled over to play dead just yet, either.”
His words...were striking a chord with her. Pomni could recall, the fear from when she'd been running from Kaufmo. As scary as it had been, to first show up on the doorstep of the Digital Circus, it had been even worse, when that behemoth had been bearing down on her. When he'd gone apesh*t on poor Ragatha, turning her into a glitchy punching bag. Should she fall down that same pit...the exact thing could easily happen again. And, if not to the doll woman, who'd been nothing but kind to her in her time here so far, then to one of the others.
Even Jax, the one figure who was currently attempting to get through to her for all she was worth.
Now, he was headed for the door. This whole event had really taken a toll on him. He needed some air, some space. Though, not without offering a last parting shot, to the girl who was staring after him in awestruck contemplation. “Don't lose yourself. But don't stop believing, either. If that's what keeps you tethered, then make an attempt here, and don't let go. You're a lot stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. Not many people can face the abstracted, let alone the Void, and live to tell the tale. So...f*cking hold on, even if you feel like it's useless.”
Just as he was about to step out, he shot her a small, crooked grin over his shoulder. The sight made Pomni's heart skip. It wasn't malicious, or even really teasing. It was...hopeful? “Then, we can have some real fun together.” And again, there went her heart, combined with a slight flush to her cheeks, which hurt just a tad. But, she said nothing, as he turned away once more to leave. “Oh, and...you should probably go and find Caine. Those wounds aren't going to heal by themselves.”
At this, Pomni found herself calling out. “Jax!”
He stiffened, halting in his stride as once more, he regarded her. Now, she was fiddling with her hands. But, her words were clear. “I c-can't...do it alone. You're right – I won't give up. Just, right now...I don't think I've got it in me to lie. So...can you help me?”
A few seconds of quiet. Then, a low chuckle. Jax was heading back for the bed, nodding. Fine, he could stick around a little longer. “Alright, just this once. I'll be nice.” Just this once? Nice? He'd been nothing but nice this whole time, no matter if he said otherwise! Because, had he not shown up when he had...
...she probably wouldn't be here now.
Suddenly, a yellow glove was in her vision. A brief flash of confusion across her features. “Huh?”
Jax let out another sigh, rolling his eyes. But, he still wore a slight smile on his lips. “Come on, Pom-Pom. Let's get you patched up.” With a slow inhale, Pomni found herself taking hold of the appendage, allowing him to lead her from the room. The door closed behind them with a bang, though Pomni felt no desire to flinch at the sound. All she was focused on, was the feel of Jax's hand wrapped around her own.
Tonight...had been scary. But, it was also revealing. Now, she knew for certain: whether or not there was a way out of here...she couldn't stop fighting. If she did, she'd truly lose herself. And that sort of death...was not worth the pain of these injuries. Of this sort of release. It just wasn't.
Ultimately, she had to hold onto her dreams. Come whatever may, she would prove them wrong. She would be the one most likely to succeed. She'd bust this world wide open, and get them all out of here. No matter how long it took. But, she couldn't allow her sanity, what was left of it, to crumble and fade. She needed to be strong! There was so much at stake here!
A last glance up, at her taller companion. He was whistling to himself as they made their way down the hall, hands swinging lightly between them. At least she knew now, though...she wasn't alone. And, of all people, it was the cocky and cool smart-a** prankster, who'd shown her this fact.
With that, Pomni proceeded to turn away. It was time to look ahead, towards the future. One without any more slip-ups like this. She could do better. And she would.
For herself...and everyone else.