Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It took Loki a moment to register the words. 

Bitterscent leaf. 

Slurred a little, at the ‘t’ and ‘l’ sounds. 

He didn’t know how to feel. 

He scribbled a note at the bottom of the list, adding the name to the collection. 

He hadn’t thought Thor knew what bitterscent leaf was, let alone the idea Thor could have taken some. 

But Thor had definitely said it, so it was possible, so Loki would keep it on the list, just in case. 

It was a long list. Extensive. Impressive, even, to the point where it was impossible to rationalise the names Thor had been giving off to be for any purpose other than recreational. 

There were no other uses for some of the herbs Thor had listed.  

It was incriminating. 

Thor was staring at him like he was ready to give out the name of another illicit leaf, biting one side of his bottom lip like a kid excited to show off something Loki would be proud of. 

Not in his senses, at the least. 

Thor looked too …relaxed. Like he had drunk too much and surpassed the angry phase, gone straight into being happy and drowsy. 

There hadn’t been a feast tonight, so it couldn’t be ale. 

The list was damning. 

Loki swore, looking away from Thor to the parchment in his lap. 

Alfspest

Stentleaf

Dande

He swore, softly, reading through them all again. Nothing was missing from the list. 

He couldn’t have taken them all right now, Loki knew, even if he didn’t know much about most of the herbs, but that Thor was reciting the names at all was concerning. That Thor was in this state was concerning. 

Thor showing up drunk at his door would have been better than the flimsy excuse of ‘a confession’ Thor had provided when clearly high. 

“Nightlock.” 

Thor grinned, in a way that Thor only ever did when holding in a laugh. It wasn’t an expression Thor often wore, and Loki winced as he picked up a quill to scratch that too onto the list. 

Loki wet his lips. “Is that what you’ve taken?”

Nightlock encouraged relaxation, so it was possible. But it also caused delusion, and was fatal in high doses. 

Thor nodded, still smiling, with his mouth slightly open. 

Loki looked at the parchment with distress, as he had some multiple times already. Thor’s testimonies were useless. He kept naming things and then agreeing it was what he had taken. 

Loki vanished the page, dragging a hand through his hair and scratching his scalp. He was at a loss. 

Thor didn’t seem to be doing much, at least. 

Just… sitting.

Loki was sitting across from him, as he had been for the past few minutes. 

“Why?” Loki asked, the way he had a few times before, between Thor’s naming. 

Thor’s eyes had been glassy since he entered the room, but seemed to worsen now; Thor’s smile began to crumple. 

Loki reached out warily, careful to put a hand on Thor’s shoulder on top of the shirt cloth. 

“Thor?”

Thor’s face fell, quickly morphing into an expression that seemed confused as tears began to spill. 

Loki went to wipe them with his fingers but paused, summoning a cloth first. 

He knew it didn’t work that way but didn’t want to be near the sort of drugs Thor had taken. It was different to work with herbs for magic—Loki wasn’t sure how or why Thor had gotten involved with them. 

Apart from Thor’s face, little else happened. Thor was sitting up but made no move to wipe the tears away himself, blinking a little and still staring at Loki. 

It was eerie; Thor was too quiet and lacked his usual animation. Loki had only been awake because he had been trying to scry, but Thor tended to sleep later than him anyway. 

The tears stopped, and Thor was still looking at Loki. Except now Thor looked much more endearing to Loki, with the slight reddening under the eyes. He stared at Loki and Loki stared back. 

Thor’s stare was filled with a sense of admiration and intensity so that he seemed to actually look at Loki and Loki wasn’t used to it so he looked away first. 

Not the time. 

Thor had taken drugs. 

Which was ridiculous. 

Why would Thor do that? Thor wouldn’t. 

Where would Thor even find drugs, you couldn’t just obtain herbs like this, even if you could easily read of them in a book. 

If Thor actually knew half these names it was possible he’d taken some, which implied that Thor had been infused multiple times, which was even worse to think about. 

Had someone forced him? That was ridiculous. No one could force Thor to do anything. 

Apart from the way he would repeat Loki’s name if asked, Thor didn’t have a reason to be here. He could have stayed away and Loki wouldn’t have found out and Thor being an addict doesn’t make any sense either way!

Thor made a noise that sounded like he was in pain, which was terrible because he didn’t look like it, he just seemed relaxed enough to be slipping from his seat. 

“Di-zzy,” Thor said, finally looking away from Loki by closing his eyes. 

Loki was on his feet immediately, but paused as he realized he was going to move Thor to the bed. 

It was the reasonable solution. He couldn’t dump Thor to lay on the floor.

He didn’t want drugs near his bed, but also didn’t think Thor would be fine on the floor. 

He would have to get the sheets cleaned. 

Some of the drugs on the list caused hallucinations, while some merely made a person more docile. Not all were dangerous in large doses but most of them were, and many were known to lead to death with repeated use. Loki wondered if that was why Thor was so variant in responsiveness now—maybe he was experiencing some form of delusion and it was like dreaming while awake. 

Thor did follow when Loki guided him to the bed, which was good. 

At least he wasn’t being violent. 

Loki wasn’t sure what a good response would be to that. 

He had some rope, maybe Loki would tie Thor up if that happened. 

Thor sat on the bed, which wasn’t what Loki had planned for but it was probably better for Thor to stay awake, wasn’t it? A lot of people died because they were unconscious. 

Thor pulled his knees to his chest, peering over them to watch Loki again. 

Loki decided to pace, because he thought it would help him think, and ignore that Thor had not only taken illicit drugs but had sought Loki out for—something?

Loki had seen people that were high before, they were rare but not nonexistent at brothels and bars that they had visited. It was still strange to think Thor was to be grouped with them. That Thor had done something not permitted. 

Had Thor gone mad?!

Thor would be sentenced to a cell only if he was lucky, for the price of illegal trade was death. If Father was fair, Thor would be beheaded. At least there was the comfort that Father would not want to get rid of his heir. Drugs were still no light charge. If the person was caught. Would Thor suffer if he didn’t take more?

Loki paced, and Thor seemed happy to watch. 

Loki hoped if Thor was dreaming that it was a nice dream, at least. If Thor did something like this, it should be worth it. 

Time passed, and Loki’s feet began to hurt from standing so he took a seat next to Thor, but enough away that they didn’t touch. 

He didn’t want their parents to find out. 

Thor would have a reason for doing this, if anything. 

Loki didn’t want Thor to suffer if he was already like… this. 

He glanced at Thor, who seemed to be staring at a spot on the ground. 

“Do you do this a lot?” 

Loki didn’t know how long it would take for the effects to wear off of Thor, but some conversation after the long silence would be nice. If Thor could manage a conversation. 

Thor nodded, that strange grin on his face again. 

“Lokiiiiiii…”

Thor leaned over, falling to his side and letting go of his knees to move closer. Loki tensed when Thor put himself against him, wrapping around Loki enough to throw an arm around his waist, but the shiver passed. Thor felt the same as usual to touch. 

It reminded Loki of when they would share a tent or a room when travelling. Thor liked to stay in contact, and was overly affectionate when given the chance, though chances were a rarity in this day and age. Whatever drug Thor had taken reduced his usual maturity. 

Something calming, most likely. 

Loki grit his teeth. 

He didn’t know what to do, and so he had written a list when Thor began listing off dangerous herbs. Even if Loki knew what exactly Thor had ‘taken’ he did not know enough about any mixture to say what it may do, or how to prevent Thor’s body from reacting badly. Was it reacting badly? Thor didn’t seem alarmed, though to be fair on his part, he did not seem concerned about anything in the least. And why should Thor be, if he had done this before. 

Loki placed a hand on Thor’s head, patting his hair in what he hoped would be comforting. Thor seemed to like it, nuzzling into Loki’s side in a way that would have had Loki unable to hold back from pulling away if it had lasted a second longer. 

Thor was not meant to be like this.  

Thor was— Thor. 

Maybe Thor was just drunk, and Loki was overthinking it because Thor had gained a recent love for botany. 

Thor had repeated a few of the herb names, and that could be because he had read more about them rather than because he was currently on drugs. 

Maybe that was it. 

Thor had initially asked that Loki watch over him, but that could be for any reason. 

They were vague instructions, if easy enough to follow when Thor looked fine—mostly. He wasn’t in distress, at least, and seemed like he would be sleeping soon. 

Thor had also said some things Loki hadn’t been able to make out beyond the words ‘trust’ and ‘please’. Self-explanatory, Loki thought. 

Just treat him as if he was injured , Loki told himself. It’s true enough that he’s sick. 

Thor had offered to give him an infusion when talking about some of the herbs, as though it was a perfectly normal suggestion that they could ‘take them’ together. Loki’s skin had crawled at the thought, and the way Thor had said it so blaisely. 

Loki looked at Thor now, pressed into his side with a slight sheen building on his face. He looked at peace more than Loki had seen him anytime through the day, almost as though he was between sleep and consciousness. 

“Don’t worry,” Thor mumbled, though the scolding was muffled somewhat by the fur Thor was half-draping over himself. 

Loki held in a sardonic laugh. He felt as though he were being driven mad by the variables presented. “About what?”

Thor opened an eye and tilted his head enough to look Loki in the eyes. 

“You’re always worrying.”

And maybe he should worry more, if looking away from his brother for too long had developed into watching Thor attempt to sleep away the drugs in his blood. 

“Loki…”

Loki kept a hand on Thor’s hair, even when Thor’s breathing had long smoothed out into soft exhales. 

Thor was privy to the same knowledge of recreational drugs as Loki was, which led to any of two explanations: that Thor had not cared for the consequences, or that he had wanted them. 

To Loki, Thor would never choose to do this. If Thor had made the decision himself, Loki didn’t know what he could do to make him stop. 

He wasn’t very good at making Thor stop —no one really was. 

Chapter Text

“I don’t want to do this again.” 

Loki was wringing his hands and looking away as he spoke, but he did not close the door yet, which was more than Thor had expected. 

Thor had made the spontaneous decision a few weeks ago to seek Loki out after an infusion because he had wanted company, and his brother always was the best option to seek it. 

Loki hadn’t been happy about it, but at the time Thor had assumed it was because Thor had given him extra work to do by having to care for him overnight. Instead, over the weeks that followed, Thor had become very familiar with the fact that Loki was not angry, but instead was concerned for Thor’s health in a way that looked like he was angry.  

Thor couldn’t help using that to his advantage. 

“Why not?” Thor asked, “You already know.”

Loki clenched his teeth shut with a soft, sharp clack. 

“I don’t think it’s wise to—“

“It’s safest if you’re with me,” Thor reasoned. If Thor infused himself with a stranger there were a myriad of ways it could go wrong or the information could get leaked. 

And Loki was smart. He used herbs in his studies, so he would know more than someone at a brothel paid to watch over him. His healing magic was a work in progress but Thor didn’t need a healer. 

…There was no one else Thor could trust with such a thing. 

“You shouldn’t be taking drugs, Thor.”

Thor felt a twinge of annoyance in his gut. As if Loki knew the dangers more than Thor himself. 

“I know they’re bad.”

The sentiment behind Thor’s words was bitter. 

It was easy for Loki to preach to him about what was good and bad but Thor wasn’t like him. Thor had different responsibilities and he handled them his own way. Everyone couldn’t be as invested in books and studying as Loki. As if Loki hadn’t put himself in harm’s way countless times while searching for rare spell work ingredients or staying up late conducting research. 

Instead Loki was hypocritical and had avoided the topic. 

“You could die or you could get caught, and then what?” Loki turned around. “I don’t want my brother to die.”

“Then be there for me!” Thor exclaimed, not realising he had raised his voice till his words were out. 

Loki spun around, raising his voice to match. “And watch you poison yourself!?”

“It’s not poison.”

“I won’t be a part of it,” Loki shook his head, with finality that marked the end of a conversation. 

Loki had been this way for weeks now, rather than coming to some form of agreement with Thor that would indicate actual care for Thor’s position. Instead he avoided the topic and hadn’t looked at Thor much in the weeks following having found out about Thor’s love of miscellaneous herbs. 

Loki spoke as though those who did not take drugs did not die of poison. As though each person who infused herbs into their blood was at immediate risk of dropping dead. Thor was healthy as an Aesir, his life was barely at risk and if it was he didn’t care. His life was not worth that much, and Loki should know that best. Anyone could train to run a realm. 

Thor knew this form of argument as he had encountered it many times when urging his brother to attend a quest or feast with him. 

Loki was always firm in his decisions, but Thor knew that wall could be worn down. That Thor would be in greater danger if Loki stayed out of it would be a definitive factor of influence there, regardless of any punishment Thor might obtain if he sought help anywhere else. 

Loki was not merely the best, but also the only option Thor realistically had. Loki had to know this. 

It was only a matter of time. 

Whether Loki agreed to be there or not, Thor would involve him, because if Loki hadn’t wanted to then he would have told their parents, or at the very least have threatened to. 

Loki hadn’t, which meant his decision, as usual, was subject to change, and only as firm as one believed it to be. 

“You haven’t even tried it,” Thor muttered to himself. 

How could Loki judge something as poison without having tried it? Thor infused himself for the benefits that came with it, the risks being negligible the way they were with any other activity. 

Herbs were used in medicines too, but Loki wouldn’t consider that sufficient reasoning. Loki wouldn’t consider that treatment he had received from healers in the past had included drugs similar to what Thor took for fun. 

Thor found the necessity behind doing something should not make a difference to the actions themself, for then the argument became one of whether Thor deserved to enjoy himself. 

“I don’t want to try it, Thor!” Loki’s voice was shrill, but not loud enough that Thor was concerned they would be overheard. “What’s wrong with you?! Are you mad?!” 

“I’m not.” Thor looked to the ceiling, exasperated. “I have some Stentleaf in my room. A small dose that’s meant to be mixed—it’s safe.”

If Loki would just take some, maybe he would understand. 

“None of it is safe, Thor!!” Loki’s arms flung out and flexed as he talked, in some weird show of frustration. Thor was glad he didn’t mention anything else he had in his room; the Stentleaf was supposed to be mixed, after all. 

Thor looked at the ceiling again. It was the same roundabout point again, about ‘safety’. 

Thor’s ‘safety’.

Something Thor was already trying to ensure, and Loki being there with him would help improve. 

“What if Father finds out?” Loki argued, continuing. 

“He won’t,” Thor easily replied. No one had ‘found out’ till now, and Thor knew their parents trusted him too much to check. He was their son, and heir to the throne of the Nine Realms. Why would anyone suspect him?

“I’ll tell him,” Loki threatened. 

“You won’t.”

The door closed in Thor’s face, cutting him off. 

Thor sighed at how unreasonable Loki was being. Never as stubborn as Thor could be, but it was a small difference. 

All this meant was that it would yet take time to convince Loki. Thor, experienced in the field, knew how to wait him out.