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Today had been a long day. Just like yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.
One extremely long day after another, for nearly a week now. Never had 7 days seemed so excruciatingly long.
You were tired. Beyond tired, if you were being honest. You had moved passed exhaustion into some new state where you just wished your body would turn to jelly and you could slip away and disappear.
And it wasn’t just your body that was tired. Your body was holding up surprisingly well. No, it was your heart. Your mind. Your very soul. The demands and the stress and chaos. It was draining you so completely. And there was nothing you could do to relax. There was no quiet corner of the forest you could just go…hibernate…in. The danger was constant and all around, the disasters always imminent.
Just today, you had been screeched at by an ungrateful woman who had sought to sell her own unborn child to a hag. You had tried to reason with her, encourage her. You had thought surely if you just said the right things she would understand that she didn’t need some swamp witch to help her - she was more than capable of caring for her child on her own.
Instead she ran off, cursing your name for interfering and preventing her reunion with her dead husband.
And you had, in turn, dragged your battle scarred body back to camp, seeking solace in the dark at the edge of the woods at the first available opportunity. You had brought your blanket with you too, undecided if you wanted to sleep under the stars tonight to give some approximation of freedom.
For the moment though, you had bundled yourself up, letting the anxiety and pain flow through you. Imagining how different - how much easier - your life would have been if you had just turned left instead of right. If the mindflayers hadn’t chosen to snatch you. If you could just go back to your old life, with ‘friends’ and companions that barely knew your name.
“Ah, there you are, my dear.”
“Not now, Astarion,” you snapped, pulling your blanket tighter about your shoulders as you roughly scrubbed at your face in an attempt to conceal your tears.
“Ooo, someone’s in a mood this evening,” he teased, ignoring your irritation.
“Oh for the love of…” you huffed.
“You look awful,” he said, peering at your face as he took a seat on a log nearby.
You glared at him.
“Why are you bothering me?”
“Do I need a reason to seek out our fearless leader?” he quipped, feigning innocence.
“Do not call me that,” you hissed, looking away from him as tears started to gather in your eyes again.
“Seems I hit a nerve,” the playfulness in his voice faded. He almost sounded concerned. “Do you want to talk about it?”
You eyed him suspiciously. He was obviously coming to you for a reason, you weren’t enough of a fool to think he simply wanted your company. Which meant he wanted some thing . If you took advantage of his offer to talk - you’d owe him. And you really didn’t want to owe him. But at the same time…you really did want someone to listen to you for once. Even if it was transactional.
“Fine.”
Astarion smiled, moving from his position on top of the log to a more comfortable one resting with his back against it. He stretched his legs out, crossing his ankles and settling down, his hands folded neatly on his lap.
“So, what’s on your mind?”
You sighed, drawing your knees to your chest and resting your chin on them as you looked out into the darkness. You let your mind wander for a while, as Astarion watched you in silence, before you finally spoke.
“I’m not meant for… this… leadership…whatever you want to call it. Someone always wants something. Asking my advice, looking for my input, wanting me to make a decision. It’s fucking exhausting. I don’t have all the answers. And yet everyone seems to think I do.”
“Sometimes I miss being invisible,” you said, the words falling from your lips in a whisper, one that Astarion heard.
“Really?” he asked, surprised.
“Of course, no one expected things of me then. I didn’t have to worry about all the mistakes I could possibly be making.”
“So you’re scared?”
“Of course I’m scared, Astarion! It’s fucking terrifying being responsible for everyone all the time. Every step, every choice, every word out of my mouth is just another chance to fuck it all up. Everyone’s fate is in my hands, and it’s fucking awful.”
“And yet, you keep going.”
“What else am I supposed to do?” you snapped, glaring at him, “Lay down and just die? I’d throw myself off a cliff if I thought it would help. But my luck, even that wouldn’t kill me and the rest of you would still look to me for answers,” you sighed, resting your forehead against your knees, hiding your face from view.
Silence followed, your words hanging heavy in the air.
You probably shouldn’t have said that, you knew. If you didn’t sound unstable before, you certainly did now. It’s not that you wanted to die. You wanted to live, more than anything. Just somewhere very far removed from where you were now. Possibly in a little cottage, with a cat and a small garden, at the edge of a forest where no one would bother you except the occasional traveler who sought to purchase a meal and a warm bed for the night.
You didn’t want adventure. You wanted peace.
“You know, this is probably the first time I’ve talked about myself this whole time,” you mused, shaking your head to dismiss your fantasy and bring yourself back to the present. You had had enough ‘honesty’ for the evening, and feared if you kept going Astarion was likely to ask for two favors instead.
“Thanks for listening. Even if it’s only because you want something,” you laughed, a sad, self-deprecating smile twisting across your face as you looked to Astarion. He immediately looked away, coughing awkwardly.
“Well? What is it?” you asked, almost teasing, feeling a tad more like your usual self.
“I…umm…well, the thing is…I was wondering if you still had that Necromancy book? The one we found in the Thayan cellar.”
“There it is,” you chuckled, “Yes, I still have it. It’s yours if you want it. Consider it as thanks for listening to me whine.”
Astarion gave you a half hearted smile as he rose to his feet. He paused for a moment, before looking at you again.
“We aren’t that different you know,” he said.
You blinked at him, unsure how to respond to the shift in his personality and the sudden seriousness in his voice.
“This is my first time being in a…situation…like this. Usually when I meet someone…I never see them again. So being around…friends…every day…it’s an adjustment.”
“That’s one way to put it,” you replied, laughing softly at yourself.
“Still. It beats being invisible.”
Your laughter faded as your eye caught his. You weren’t expecting to find such understanding in his expression, but there it was all the same. The sort of understanding that could only come from walking an equally long and difficult road.
He held your gaze before looking away, running his fingers through his hair, nervously. You blushed; something had felt strangely vulnerable and intimate about that moment.
“I’ll see you back at camp, don’t be away too long, darling. Others will start to worry,” he said as he finally walked away to leave you to your thoughts.
“Astarion,” you called to him, just before he slipped past the tree line.
He stopped, turning his head to acknowledge you without facing you completely.
“Thanks.”