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“It's only a week, you’ll be okay right?”
Yes, it was only a week. What could be so wrong about it? Gekko was going to be gone for a week and Iso was meant to continue living his life like normal until he got back, easy. It’s not like he was handed a death sentence, and they were part of the Valorant Protocol, being out of reach for a while because of numerous reasons was a common occurrence. So in the end, everything was fine.
Except for the fact that it was anything but fine, he was also not okay at all, and Gekko wasn’t even out the door before Iso had started panicking internally. Because the whole situation was less than ideal, and that was downplaying it severely. If you were to ask his honest opinion on it, it was horrendous, but he wasn’t trying to sound like a deranged maniac (there were already enough of those), so he didn’t say anything and simply wished him a safe trip. He wasn’t going to be travelling alone, but Iso admittedly didn’t know why or with who. He also didn’t know where he was going, because he stopped listening the moment he was told Gekko, his Gekko would be away for an entire week.
Gekko had decided to chase after Iso the moment they had met, refusing to take no for an answer. He made the decision that Iso would be his friend, and no matter how hard Iso made that quest by constantly pushing him away, he ended up winning when Iso could no longer keep him at an arm's length. Now that he thinks back on it, he’s incredibly grateful for it, because if the choice would have been his, he’d still feel as miserable as he did when he joined the Protocol. Gekko just had that effect, getting along with anyone he could find. The only reason things were amigable around was probably his existence, and Iso still couldn’t believe the fact that he was dating the little piece of sunshine everyone seemed to love.
He still thought there were most likely better options, someone not as emotionally constipated and beaten up by life as him, but despite all of… him, all he was and all it represented, Gekko still stayed. He stayed because he loved him, loved Iso despite how fucked up he was in the head. And Iso couldn’t be more grateful for his boyfriend, not knowing what he did to deserve a person like him in his life.
But all the gratefulness he could muster up didn’t stop him from feeling bad every single time he woke up Gekko because of his own inability to sleep well.
Because something Iso learned way before they were even dating, is that Gekko (and most other people) had it easy when it came to sleep and didn’t struggle with actually resting the way he did, which wasn’t surprising. Having done so many heinous things in life that the anxiety that thinking about them brought kept you awake at night was not an everyday, relatable human experience. Even when he did manage to fall asleep, he was usually woken up by horrible nightmares that left him crying and wishing for death every single time they happened.
He had tried to get rid of them every single way he could; sleeping medication made them worse, and any kind of relaxation method he could think of was out of the question because his brain refused to keep quiet for long enough to allow him to even attempt to sleep peacefully. At this point he had given up long ago, used to getting (maybe, on good nights) five interrupted hours of sleep, a routine that involved waking up unable to breathe or think in between.
The first time he felt bad for it though, was when waking up from a particularly traumatizing episode had made him wish for death so bad he gave in and called Gekko, practically on speed dial. He was so used to them that they didn’t feel unjust in any way now, just inconvenient. Maybe, just maybe, he deserved it for the type of person he was, he wasn’t quite sure about that one. But living with the perpetual inconvenience was one thing, and waking up someone else, the only person he knew would be even willing to help him at the time, over a problem he made for himself? That was unacceptable. It hadn’t been a problem until now, having already gotten accustomed to the ringing in his ears and the way his lungs seemed to refuse the idea of working when he woke up; wishing to wither away and die was the only normal, human reaction to it.
But something felt different that time, maybe. It was somehow scarier, the big bad monster that made his own mind more powerful and bigger than it should be. It made him weak at the knees, the fact that he was a grown man crying over a nightmare like a little kid, the image of how pathetic it made him way too strong to let go of it.
And still, he called Gekko, who was definitely asleep judging by the sound of his voice, and begged for help between shallow breaths. And Gekko listened, he got up out of bed and showed up in his room, wingman sitting on his shoulder like a little night light. He didn’t care what time it was, or that Iso sounded pathetic pleading for him, he didn’t care about any of that. Iso had never realized how nice it felt to be helped until that night that Gekko, despite how tired he was himself, sat down next to him on the edge of the bed and rubbed gentle circles around his back to ground him, stayed with him until he could breathe again. Let Iso confess to the mental torment years of going down the same horrid path had brought him, let him cry on his shoulder after he expressed just how much it made him want to die. And then, when Iso looked back up at him expecting disgust, he only found sympathy. Gekko stayed, both physically and emotionally right there with him, despite the ungodly hour he decided to have a crisis at. And then he stayed after that too, lulling Iso into a sense of security that actually helped him sleep.
If you had asked Iso what waking up next to Gekko, who had just seen him at his worst and still stayed, felt like he would probably describe it as full bliss. He was happy, surprisingly. He had assumed he would feel horrible the next morning, but having Gekko like that next to him just felt right. The way Gekko looked at him felt right.
So right in fact that he allowed himself the impulsivity of kissing him right then and there, nothing more than a quick peck, but still a kiss, one that was still good enough for him. He remembers the way Gekko stared at him, stunned. Iso wished the blankets would swallow him whole in that moment, but they didn’t, and Gekko surprisingly did not kill him either.
An interesting way to get into a relationship with someone, he’ll admit, but it was the two of them, and it felt just right to have started out like that. Definitely something they laughed about now, just how awkward their first kiss had been.
Gekko had started sleeping with him after that, it made Iso feel less alone against his own racing mind and allowed him to get a little bit more sleep, but it didn’t mean the nightmares stopped. And turns out, that something he learned only because Gekko had told him at some point, was that he had night terrors and would sometimes sit up, screaming. Iso grimaces strongly at the sole idea of how much sleep Gekko looses over him, simply because he’s so tormented by all the blood on his hands that he can’t seem to sleep like a normal fucking person. But no matter how much he tries to tell him off for doing that, Gekko doesn’t listen and continues to be there with him, as his biggest point of support. And he loves him for that.
He loves Gekko, in all the ways the word could be taken. He loved him before, for being his friend, and he loves him now, despite not knowing how to show it very well. Gekko seems to understand that perfectly though, and makes sure Iso knows his efforts are appreciated.
But truly, the worst part about sleeping next to Gekko was that he didn’t get to stay after. It was a choice of theirs to keep their relationship a secret, because they felt it was for the better and they didn’t want to create any potential problems with the rest of the Protocol, but he still gets to sulk he can’t stay all morning in bed with his boyfriend cuddling because Gekko has to get back to his room before anyone else wakes up.
Though, right now, he wouldn’t be getting to spend time with him at all, because Gekko was going to be gone for whole seven days. And the fact is, the little habit of cuddling in bed they had fallen into had unexpected consequences, because now Iso was terrified of going to sleep alone tonight. But that still didn’t distract him from the way he felt a horrible boyfriend, because he hadn’t even asked where Gekko was going. Maybe not knowing would be better, that way he could convince himself it was 3 am over there at all times and that would stop him from calling Gekko because he’d feel bad about waking him up because he couldn’t sleep again. Yeah, it was fine like this.
* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *
Iso doesn’t even get through the first day of Gekko’s absence before it becomes painfully obvious everything is not fine like that. Going to bed that night isn’t even the main problem, because he starts realizing just how present Gekko constantly is when the rest of the day feels eerily quiet. No one comments on it, but everyone notices, especially Iso. Not having someone over his shoulder ready to scold him like you would a dog the moment he clicks open a can of whatever energy drink he decided to poison his system with in the moment is weird, and not seeing Wingman around him acting like he isn’t trying to take a sip out of Iso’s can is even weirder. He never thought he would be saying this, but he missed the little yellow creature, as annoying as it acted.
He gets through the day alive, only to then find it impossible to fall asleep. He’s not anxious, that’s not what keeps him awake, it’s the lack of Gekko’s weight on the mattress. He had grown used to having him next to him, and his body warmth on his back as they cuddled. But the bed felt so empty and cold without him in it, and he found himself uncomfortably tossing and turning all night. He falls asleep at around 3:30, only to have his internal clock wake him up at five automatically anyways. And if everything wasn’t bad before, now that he’s running on an hour and a half of sleep then it’s suddenly much worse.
He didn’t remember what it actually felt to have slept so little, having last skipped out on rest like this before he was part of the Protocol, but it makes everything and everyone so unbearable he becomes the equivalent of a fifty-five year old man with a killer hangover. He wakes up and stays in a horrible mood, feeling miserable and having a migraine that was close to making him puke all day, leading mostly everyone to stray away from him for the rest of the day.
That, however, didn’t include Neon, who wanted to ask why he looked like a truck had run him over. Her cheery attitude only made him feel worse, because it made him miss his little ray of sunshine even more, but he acted like a normal person and sucked it up like an adult, entertaining her for a while.
“Why are you staring at me?” He asks, opening a can of Redbull he pulled out the fridge.
“Why do you look so… miserable?” Neon replies, asking him another question. His patience is apparently easier to dwindle when he’s lacking so much sleep, because he’s begging to ponder if stabbing her is worth it.
“Brave of you to assume I’m not constantly this miserable,” He resolves, sipping his can.
She doesn’t take it, and pushes a little more. If he didn't want to stab her before, he certainly is begging to crave murder now.
“Did you skip out on sleeping or something? You have the whole Protocole terrified,” She points out the obvious, as if he hadn’t seen the way everyone was running from him in fear of getting murdered already. Fair, to be honest.
“Slept bad, now fuck off.” He rolls his eyes, and hopes that gets her to leave.
She playfully raises her arms in defeat and goes away, leaving him to his own devices. He appreciates the space, thinking that if she was to push it farther, he would have ended up murdering her. So it was overall great she chose to keep her life, because Sage was away with Gekko in who-knows-where. Probably only God himself and sadly for him, they aren't on speaking terms.
He looked up at the suddenly now very attractive white ceiling and closed his eyes again for a little bit, and his brain was just filled with thoughts of Gekko immediately. He couldn’t help it. He was missing his boyfriend, and the idea of having him there with him was tempting. The idea of them not having to hide their relationship for the well being of the team dynamic was even more so, getting to cuddle him every morning without having to worry about who walks in to look for him, having the chance to kiss him and not care who was watching them, and maybe even… he downed another sip of his drink before his mind could continue down going down that path, and then chose to go lock himself in his room to text Gekko and ask him how everything was over there, wherever he was. That would make him feel better, something had to.
* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *
The next day, he doesn’t wake up quite as miserable, but he also gets some more sleep. Now expecting the lack of counterweight on the mattress ends up with a solid five hours of sleep instead, which is closer to being a normal amount of rest and therefore, makes him less cranky. It helps the rest of the agents continue their routines as normal, because he spends the rest of the day yawning and missing Gekko instead of glaring at them, who, speaking of, continues to send him messages about how his day has been going “over here” (Iso still doesn’t bring himself to admit he didn’t know where his boyfriend was, so he still has no idea), wherever that's supposed to be.
And it is nice, he loves getting to talk to his boyfriend in such a casual manner, even if only over text. Gekko, however, has decided to mess with his boyfriend a little, knowing he’s probably not sleeping well, the asshole.
Gekko:
How’s everything back there?
Pretty💜:
Boring, it’s quiet without you
Gekko:
It’s not that bad over here, Sage is great conversation tbh
Pretty💜:
Uh-huh, have fun then
Gekko:
Why so cold, are you jealous?
Pretty💜:
Fuck off
He could practically see Gekko cackling from laughter in his face, and it was only made worse because they both knew what he was saying was true. It wasn’t too often that Iso felt jealous, because he trusted Gekko over his own instincts (since those were shitty to him constantly, it came with having a mean inner dialogue) but when he was, it was pretty obvious. He wasn't that shut off and quiet around Gekko (despite still having to fake he's not head over heels for him), but sometimes he'd stop talking for long enough for Gekko to notice just how cold he grew. Usually, that was a good tell of his jealousy showing through. It's not like he had a reason to be jealous, Gekko had made it clear Iso was his one and only, but he couldn't help the childish behavior sometimes, despite the fact that it was akin to that of a kid fighting with another one over a toy.
They talked over the phone for a little while more, with Gekko promising he would call later once he found a moment of peace. Iso accepted that as an answer, not wanting to address how excited he was because he longed to hear his voice like nothing else right now, and left his phone to the side. Maybe the only thing he longed for with more want was a good night's sleep.
* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *
It had taken way too long for his anxiety to kick in, and when it did, it came back in full force. He didn't get a single minute of sleep on the third day, because his brain kept him awake all night.
At some point in time, way before he was a Valorant agent, he pulled all-nighters almost daily, but now that he had started to actually take care of himself it felt lethal to skip out on sleep. The worst of it wasn't that it made him cranky, it was the fact that he could not function properly at all.
They had an early morning meeting where he picked up jackshit of what was said because it was hard enough as it was to stay awake, and the fact his brain felt like it had been dumped in a tub of alcohol only made attempting social interaction worse.
He continued like that the rest of the day, half asleep and struggling to keep his eyes open, as he sat on the couch nodding off to sleep and convincing himself he wasn't permitted to over (the most likely only justified) can of Monster.
Deadlock, who had been sitting across from him the whole time, looked up at his pathetic attempt at basic human function and sighed.
“You really need to learn how to sleep,” she said, eyes focused back on her book. His vision was way too blurry to figure out what the title of it was, barely even able to recognize her figure from how non-functional his brain currently was.
“Says…. You, of all people,” he managed after a while of thinking. He had seemingly forgotten how words worked, but he knew Deadlock, the one whose eye bags were half of her face, was definitely not the correct person to chew him out over his lack of sleep.
“You don't see me falling asleep in front of every other agent in the Protocol at a meeting, do you?” she asks, judging him from the love seat she was using to sit.
“I… okay.” He yawns, saying nothing more after that. It's not like he couldn't try to come up with a response, but he'd rather not give himself a headache trying to make his brain work.
Apart from that, he doesn't really talk with anyone else the rest of the day, and if someone ever said something to him, he didn't hear it. He guesses not though, because judging by Deadlock’s comment, he already looked enough like a zombie to be left alone in his misery. Something he appreciated, truly, but it made him wish with all his might the week would end already.
* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *
He falls asleep easily that night, which makes a lot of sense judging from the fact he had gotten no sleep the day prior, but that doesn't mean he actually sleeps well. Being alone with his thoughts and no other form of support to stop his racing mind from eating him alive proves to be a huge problem, when he ends up having nightmares again.
For the first time since he became an agent, he wakes up screaming.
And does so alone, screaming and crying and begging the voices in his mind to leave him alone, to shut up, go away and let him rest, to let go of the guilt of his past life as he crawls into a ball, his head on his knees. It's true that he still had nightmares nowadays, even after being able to speak out about the pain he felt, because a wound that deep doesn't heal overnight; but they hadn't been this bad in a while.
He doesn't know what time it is, he doesn't care what time it is. He just wants it to stop, so hysterical that he doesn't wonder if anyone else can hear him screaming. But turns out they do, and that’s something he finds out once someone knocks at his door, with such urgency it startles him. The noise rings in his ears, painful. Everything around him is overwhelming in a way it never has, and he's horrified, spiralling down into a hole he's not sure he can climb out from.
The knocking continues.
“Are you alright in there?” Someone asks on the other side of the door, but he can't manage to identify the owner of the voice.
“He does his best to find his voice to answer, but he’s hyperventilating. He stares at the door and just screams unintelligibly at whoever is on the other side, hoping that it gets them to go away. Sadly for him, it doesn’t.
Whoever is on the other side of the door is adamant to make sure he’s okay, and every single knock on the door is more painful in his ears than the one before it. Once the mysterious person suggests he might be screaming at a spider, he assumes it’s Kay/o. No offense to him, but there’s a high chance the robot is not able to understand complex mental turmoil. Iso wouldn’t blame him, because sometimes not even he was able to understand what was going on with himself, and he is, well… himself.
Eventually, a second person walks up to the door, probably attracted by the commotion, and tries to ask him if he’s okay again. The knocking is less violent, which he appreciates. However, he still doesn’t manage anything more than a whine. The second person says something to Kay/o, dismissing him effectively as he walks away. And then they push the door open.
Deadlock, who Iso has discovered is the other person, walks up to him and holds his shoulders in place, forcing him to look at her.
“Where is your phone?” She demands. Iso stares at her, not quite registering the words.
She tries again, switching tactics. “Can you speak?” She asks, ennunciating to make sure he picks it up this time.
He shakes is head violently, hoping that gets the message across well. She gets it, then thinks a little and asks again.
“Where is your phone? Where do you put it?” She looks around trying to find it, eventually giving up and taking out her own. It was probably for the best, as he doubted he could give her the password in that state.
She puts it down and lets it ring, pushing her weight on Iso’s shoulders to keep him grounded the best she can as she tries to get him to breathe again. Her speaking keeps him connected to earth, but he can’t seem to get air into his lungs no matter how much she tries. And then whoever is on the other side of the phone picks up.
She says something over the line, then shoves the phone on speaker into Iso’s arms.
“Hello?” The voice on the other side says, Iso recognizes them as Gekko.
He sobs back, unable to say something. Hopes that gets the point across to his lover, who had already seen him like that. It works, because Gekko speaks softer, understanding he needed help.
“Hey, hey, mi corazón, shhh,” He says, trying to calm Iso down. He appreciates the collective effort his lover and teammate are doing. “Deadlock is there to help you okay? Try to listen to her,”
“It’s probably best if you stay on the line,” Deadlock perks up, sitting down next to Iso and placing a hand over his chest, instructing him to breathe with her.
“I wasn’t planning of doing anything else,” Gekko says, which calms Iso down a little.
It takes a while, but eventually Deadlock gets him to breathe again. Gekko stays on the line, talking to him the whole time, trying to distract his racing thoughts and bring him out of the spiraling, back to where he was. In his room, next to a teammate he never thought would rush to his aid like that, talking to his lover on the phone. Eventually it works, and when he feels good enough to talk, he apologizes to Gekko for bothering him on his trip.
“Zhao Yu, my love, don’t apologize.” Gekko sighs on the other end, and then continues. “Try to get some sleep, te amo,”
Iso reciprocates the feeling, having picked up on what the words meant at some point, and then hangs up and gives the phone back to Deadlock, who stares at him. He goes to say something, thank her, anything; but gets interrupted instead.
“Don’t say anything. I know what it feels like, to drown in your own head like that. I’d do it again.” She stands up, fixing the spot on the bed where she had been sitting. “I won’t tell anyone anything, not about the call, nor about this. It stays between us three,” she says, sincerely. He appreciates it.
“You guys make a cute couple, congrats,” are her last words before she leaves, and closes the door behind her again.
He’s back to being alone in silence, but he doesn’t dread everything as much anymore. That was probably a good thing.
* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *
The episode doesn’t repeat, and instead he goes back to getting little to no sleep at all, or having nightmares that are much more manageable on his own and don’t involve terrorizing the rest of the Valorant agents at 3 in the morning with his screams. That is something he’s, in a fucked up way, much more comfortable with. It keeps him in a bad mood the rest of the week, but by now everyone else was used to his coldness and decide to let him suffer in peace.
Deadlock and himself don’t talk about the incident, or interact one on one a lot, to be honest. But something does change between them, having bonded over being fucked up enough to lose sleep over it. It shows in little ways, being a weird form of appreciation, but they’re both comfortable with that idea. Neither is well versed in the concept of human relationships after all, and having someone that doesn’t expect much back from them seems to work really well as a sort of first step in bonding with their teammates.
Eventually, the week does end and Gekko gets back. and Iso has to muster up all self control he has to not jump into his arms and kiss him in front of everyone, instead opting to save all of that for when they were alone.
And he does it very well, because the moment he gets to sneak into Gekko’s room, he throws himself onto him with so much force it knocks both of them back into the mattress. Gekko laughs, being assaulted with kisses that land anywhere he has reachable, bear skin. He tries his best to get out of the hug trap he’s stuck in, but Iso refuses to let go, keeping them both pinned to the mattress.
“Why are you so clingy, huh love?” He asks, managing to get one of his hands free to put over Iso’s mouth, so he could speak.
Iso removes it and kisses him instead, then takes the time to respond. “I have a right to miss you,” He says, and then continues peppering his pretty boyfriend with kisses.
Everything seems to go back to normal that night, getting to finally cuddle his boyfriend in bed again. Despite the fact they meant to go to bed early, they end up tangled in each other’s arms and talking about everything and nothing until it’s two am again, when Gekko decides getting some sleep is probably a good idea.
“Night my love, He said, pressing a kiss on the top of Iso’s head.
“Night, Teo,” Iso reciprocates, believing he might actually get a good night’s sleep for once.
* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *
The waking up after goes a little bit like this:
Iso is asleep, Gekko is asleep.
Iso wakes up, Gekko is asleep.
Iso looks at the clock on his nightstand to check the time, and screams. Gekko wakes up.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT’S TWO PM????” He yells, and starts swearing at the time in Mandarin. Gekko stares at him, dumbfounded.
Someone walks up to his door, and kicks it full force, multiple times. When she starts screaming through the door, Iso finds out it’s Viper.
“If you made the decision to die in your bed, I can break down the door and fake I killed you, to save you the embarrasment,” She says, in typical Viper manner.
“I’m still alive, don’t-” Iso says back, to stop her from kicking down the door and finding Gekko in the room with him.
And almost as if he had predicted it, she speaks again.
“Have you seen Gekko? Brimstone is looking for him but he doesn’t answer his phone and we can’t find him,”
Iso looks at Gekko, and then he panics. There’s no windows in the room, so he can’t precisely climb down an emergy exit ladder to get out of that one. He decides to go the avoidant route instead.
“Why are you asking me? Why would I know??”
“Because he was last with you yesterday????? Didn’t you say you were going to help him unpack? DOES YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WORK??”
Iso doesn’t have enough time to be offended at the comment before he can hear Deadlock outside of the door. His saviour.
“He just got back from a week long trip yesterday, he’s probably asleep. If he walks out of his room I’ll send him to Brimstone. Let the man sleep, geez,”
Viper mutters a “fine” with greeted teeth and walks away, just before Deadlock walks in.
“You both owe me one, idiots,” She says, grabbing Gekko by the arm and dragging him to his room to keep the charade up.
Iso stays in his room, laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation turned out, but at least he actually feels well rested.
So yeah… The waking up after is pretty great.