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Kim Dokja hoped that everything would soon go back to normal. He had expected that people would fret over him for a while, but this seemed like overkill. He just really, really wanted to continue life as though nothing had ever happened. However, he was unsure what was normal anymore.
There were no more scenarios, no more life-threatening battles, no more excitement. He was no longer Kim Dokja the "prophet" or a constellation. He no longer gleamed in the sky as a star. He couldn't be the light or provide a path forward. All his titles stripped down to just Kim Dokja, an ex-office worker and a reader. A kid in a man's body who is begging for something . Whether it be love, power, or escape he doesn't know, but the way his body screams, yearns for everything he'd been denied since birth. Safety, peace, family. Everything he denies for himself.
He didn't know where to go from here. He'd done his physical therapy which was strictly enforced by Lee Seolhwa. He can stand on his own two feet, he'd donned his white coat for some sense of normalcy. His comeback inspired everyone to reunite and live together. He supposes they wanted to appease him, or maybe make sure he doesn't keel over and die when they weren't looking. He guesses that's sweet, but it felt overwhelming. He wished he could still fly. He was like a bird with clipped wings or a declawed cat, constantly stumbling through life longing to run. He wanted to fly away for a little. Maybe for a day or a year or so. Time flowed differently for him now.
He loved everyone, he really did. It's just their looks and glances felt suffocating. Almost as suffocating as the clothes hanging loose off his limbs. He just thought maybe it's better to love from a distance, so it didn't hurt so much. Was love supposed to hurt? Was it supposed to feel like blaring alarms? Something that activates his want to flee? If this was love maybe he was okay at an arm's length. Though, it's hard to do that when you're under what feels like constant surveillance.
Everywhere he went he was surrounded by people. Whether it be Shin Yoosung or Yoo Joonghyuk himself, he was barely ever alone. Yet he felt unbearingly lonely. Always feeling like an outside observer even though he was right there. It was obvious that things had changed in the time he was gone. Sometimes moments before he would enter a room he felt the air that hung thick. The squirming awkwardness that made his skin crawl. Though, it always seemed to remedy itself when he appeared. He hated it.
The only freedom he found was late, late nights sneaking out to the kitchen. He had a routine of when the walls felt like they're closing in and the world seemed to be ending to silently slip out of his room. He had long since memorized which floorboards creaked, it was a force of habit. Despite the kitchen just being a staircase and a hallway away, it felt as good as a weekend getaway, because there was no one to see him, to watch him. Was it possible to be a prisoner of love?
Here he was once again, breathing quick, trapped in the walls that make up his room. Trapped in the memories and stories. Trapped in the beating of his heart that demands him to feel. He missed having the fourth wall, something to keep Kim Dokja separate from the world. Disassociating just wasn't the same. He shakingly stumbled through the halls he knew so well. However this time he wouldn't get the peace that he so desired because as the Kitchen came into view, there sat Yoo Joonghyuk himself.
Kim Dokja put his perfectly crafted mask back on so as to not disturb the man. Yoo Joonghyuk didn't seem to notice Kim Dokja as he lingered at the end of the hallway. Which was strange for a man who had lived through lifetimes of battle. He sat there, staring through the window at something up and far, far away. His eyes were glazed over with an unfamiliar wetness. Kim Dokja couldn't help but feel as though he had walked in on something intimate. His companion (were they still companions? Something less? More?) was searching for something, maybe reminiscing, or even longing. This wasn't written in a novel, there was no guide for him to follow here. No one to tell him how to survive. So he had to rely on his good old social skills, which were few and sparse in between. Should he stay? Should he go? What was the right thing to do here?
"Are you gonna stand there and watch all night?" Yoo Joonghyuk interrupted his thoughts, his gaze still not turning to look at him.
"I can leave, if that's what you want," Spooked, Kim Dokja was already ready to run away.
"No, stay," Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him, his face as stern as his voice. Who was Kim Dokja to say no? He shuffled to sit opposite Yoo Joonghyuk at the kitchen island. He squirmed under Yoo Joonghyuk's scrutinizing watch. He spotted an empty cup in front of Yoo Joonghyuk. Restless to do something, anything he picked it up and stood up.
"Would you like some water? I can get some-" Kim Dokja got cut off by Yoo Joonghyuk abruptly standing up and grabbing his wrist. Kim Dokja damn near dropped the glass from shock. For a moment, all the air in the room disappeared.
"Please... just stay," Yoo Joonghyuk pleaded. Kim Dokja never took him as one to beg, he always seemed to demand the world's attention. His looks were ones sculpted by the gods themselves. His build, the sharpness of his eyes, and his mysterious allure all demanded that Kim Dokja never take his eyes off of him. Even in the toughest battles, Yoo Joonghyuk rarely faltered. Yet here he is now, strong eyebrows furrowed and pleading. His hand was tightly wrapped around Kim Dokja's wrist in desperation.
Kim Dokja, with wide eyes, slowly sat back down. He could feel a sheen of sweat on his forehead. He was so out of his element. He decided that until Yoo Joonghyuk said anything, it might be better to just sit. That was easier said than done. Yoo Joonghyuk had yet to break eye contact and it made Kim Dokja want to crawl out of his skin. His eyes flitted around the room trying to find something to distract him. Then, he was forced to refocus on the man in front of him when he felt the fingers on his wrist move. Softly, they poked and prodded. With time, they got more frantic, desperate . He could've been hallucinating this, but the tension in Yoo Joonghyuk's face seemed to worsen too. Suddenly a lightbulb went off in Kim Dokja's mind.
"Are you..." Kim Dokja began to ask but interrupted himself with a sigh. He took Yoo Joonghyuk's hand into his and squeezed it once as reassurance. He made his way around the island to sit right next to Yoo Joonghyuk, face to face. He brought Yoo Joonghyuk's hand up to his heart. Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes widened before he closed them, focusing on the rhythmic thump and the rise and fall of Kim Dokja's chest. Kim Dokja was sure that his heart rate was embarrassingly fast. He was nervous that Yoo Joonghyuk would notice the subtle tremor of his hand over his. They sat in this silence for a while, just sitting in each other's presence.
"I'm not going to leave," Kim Dokja broke the silence. Yoo Joonghyuk only sighed.
"That's what you always say," Yoo Joonghyuk huffed and removed his hand from Kim Dokja's chest.
"This time it's different. Plus it's not like I can go anywhere when I'm under constant watch," Kim Dokja rolled his eyes.
"We've seen what you do when you're not, always up to something. Planning and not telling anyone." Yoo Joonghyuk glared at him.
"Well, there's not much to plan for anymore besides who's cooking dinner that night. Also, last time I checked, those plans saved your lives plenty of times."
"We don't want to be saved like this, not at the cost of you."
"That's... I always came back and you know that. I was never gone permanently!" Kim Dokja fought the urge to leave. This conversation was going in a direction he did not want to traverse.
"And how about last time?" Yoo Joonghyuk asked. Kim Dokja froze. Last time. The subway. He tried to ignore the subtle rumble in his ears and gulped. If Yoo Joonghyuk still had his hand on his heart he would've felt the way it raced.
"You had me... Technically I never left," Kim Dokja rebuked.
"You call that avatar you left you?" Yoo Joonghyuk raised an eyebrow.
"Was 49% not enough for you?" Kim Dokja's breathing picked up pace.
"No, never. Even if it took the world ending, even if it took my entire lifetime I would've fought for every last percent," Yoo Joonghyuk's gaze softened.
"I... I don't understand," Kim Dokja really didn't. He didn't understand why.
"I know you don't, it's okay. With time we will make sure you get it," This was weird. This was too soft. Kim Dokja was used to violence and pain. To him, love was sacrifices and hurt. Something this soft, gentle hurt more than any hit ever could. It made his brain short-circuit because it went against everything he ever knew.
"Was it worth it? Was I... worth it?" Kim Dokja was afraid of the answer yet he had to ask.
"Yes." There was no hesitation in Yoo Joonghyuk's response. Stern and factual, like it took no thought at all.
"Even if I'm not the same Kim Dokja you thought you knew? Even if I can't be the guiding light in the night sky for you?" Kim Dokja looked away, he couldn't meet Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes.
"Fool, am I the same man you saw during the scenarios?" Yoo Joonghyuk lifted Kim Dokja's chin so that he would look at him. Kim Dokja observed the man's features. He had changed too. There was gray sprinkled in with his black locks. The weight of the world seemed to present itself on his face in the form of a few wrinkles. Kim Dokja even remembered a few times he spotted the man wearing glasses. He seemed gentler, maybe because he was no longer fighting tooth and nail for his own existence. All these things and Kim Dokja still found him breathtaking. After a moment of silence, Yoo Joonghyuk sighed.
"You see, we've all changed. We don't care for the form of you or your role, we just want you," Yoo Joonghyuk smiled slightly, " I just want you."
They sat in silence as Kim Dokja processed this in his mind. It was sweet and life-changing information that did put his entire perspective into question. This was not the crisis he wanted to have right at that moment, so he settled on a different crisis.
"What are we?" He asked.
"All I know is that I would go through 1864 lifetimes, and thousands of worldlines just to meet you again," Yoo Joonghyuk moved his hand into Kim Dokja's hair,"Life and death companions or lovers, I accept both titles. It's up to you."
"I... I think both is good," Kim Dokja hid his face in Yoo Joonghyuk's shoulder, hiding the blush dusting his cheeks. Yoo Joonghyuk wrapped his arms around Kim Dokja, feeling his frail form underneath his fingers. If he volunteers to cook the next week and if Kim Dokja's plates are extra full, that's just a coincidence.
"Let's sleep," Yoo Joonghyuk suggested.
"Yeah," Kim Dokja agreed. They let each other go just to fall into the same bed. Holding onto each other, feeling that the other is real and here. There was still a lot to talk about. Many things that had been left swept under the rug, but they can do it later because for once they had tomorrow.
Yes, things had changed. Yes, it scared the shit out of Kim Dokja, but one step at a time there's hope to make the new not so bad. Maybe they can even build this to be better than the old. The first thing Kim Dokja plans to do is have a sit down conversation on personal space because now he's here to stay and doesn't need to be treated like a flight risk Then after that, they can slowly unpack the individual traumas. They can learn to understand what it means to be KimCom without the scenarios and Kim Dokja can learn where he fits in in that. Tomorrow will come, then the day after that will follow. Things will be okay. Kim Dokja will be okay.